About more than 2 and a half years since I've been trying to figure out myself, I'm still not sure about what I am and It's stalling my life now, leading me to be in a sort of gender limbo.
In my heart, I wish I could be female, I like seeing myself as female, I want to have a female body, I like being with women as a woman, and I would love to be a part of the female world.
However, I've been dealing with rampant sexism from my mind, since my mind (or rather, the critical and judgemental part of my brain) percieves women as the weaker sex (with the help of things such as TV), and has tried to discourage me for these past years and degrade the image of women and femininity in my mind (perhaps because this an ongoing unfinished decision and the fear accompanied from doing such a big thing in my life), and the fear of losing contact with my family (my mom knows but is not supportive), plus I haven't the background of most TG people (that they wished this since they were very young, I crossdressed since age 12 and I wanted to be female as soon as I found out about TS's successfully looking and passing as genetic women, at age 16, about 12 years ago), which I think may be because sexism at a very early age (and an early predisposition of worrying more about how others would see me and shaping my identity only in so that I'd be acceptable to others, rather than what I truly liked for myself), but I can't be too sure, and my inability to identify with other transgender people in this regard makes me feel alone and illegitimate. In addition, I've suffered from a lack of support from the TG community in L.A. (where I live mostly), since its hard for me to call them since they hardly ever pick up the phone and get back to me, and its hard making arrangements.
Yet I can't walk away from this, I've been trying to at least put it in the back burner, so to speak, only to see women and be in places with womens stuff, leading me to feel sad and extremely terrible about my life. I'm pretty sure that its impossible for me to live a male life now, without it crashing sooner or later. Back in late 2007 to the half of 2008, I went frequently to a TG club, and I was actively exploring my female self, to the point that I could be pretty womanly naturally (including voice and such) and enjoyed being one of the girls, and since then I've increasingly pulled away, not from choice but circumstances. My memories have been fading somewhat, but I still remember to some degree how good I felt as female when I was allowing myself to and being accepted for (I can't let myself feel female most of the time (i.e. drab mode) because I'd act female to the point of "outing" me.)
In addition, I have a problem making friends with males because I don't like male to male friendships because they are generally unemotional, unaffectionate, and relatively distant, and with women I wish I could have girl to girl type close friendships, and I feel trapped since I can't be with other women the way I want to be.
Even though, a part of my problem has been confusion from several things, including an inability to identify with women when it comes to being with men (well, sometimes I do, other times I don't, I see women in TV favoring being with guys, which to me is pulling away from the female world), an inability to identify with women when it comes to having a family, a sort of lingering likeness of being with women in relationships and even some of the male role aspects (primarily making someone happy), a likeness of "male" things (though because I didn't feel like I was allowed to like female things when I was young) a want to please my parents, a likeness about being aggressive only in matters of justice. I feel like these things would sort of make it hard for me to fully fit in to the female gender, but I feel also that I could change myself (unless I was able to make it compatible.) In addition though, the fact that I could successfully come across as pretty male and even have some enjoyment of it at times makes me really confused as heck.
And another thing is my whole confusion for why I am like this. I'm not doing this "because I've always felt female" like so many of the T-Girls here, I feel male when I'm in the drab mode, and I feel female when I dress up, but yet as much as I like, I can't feel female in the drab mode in public due to the fear of "looking out of line from the rest of the public" (and If I can't be allowed to feel it, my mind will automatically repress it to the point that I can't even feel it without doing something to bring it out again) I dressed when I was little because I loved looking female, feeling girly / womanly, loved the clothes, seeing myself with a female bodyshape. I did get "sexually stimulated" somewhat, but I hated the "sexual response" and I didn't identify with it, seeing it as a byproduct. I am not sure if It's also because of my like for women, since my attraction for women physically is significantly higher when I'm in the male mode, but less when I'm in the female mode. One of the biggest things though about all this is that I love feeling womanly, girly, and feminine (so much that I envy the girls with such girly, lovely personalities), and nothing in the male mode compares (and I've been pretty masculine in the male mode). The only things the male mode gives is the feelings of power, security, and wide acceptance from others, but I don't feel like that is what I want in life. I identify more with female values, including egalitarianism, affection, empathy, intimacy / closeness, caring, etc... In sex, I highly prefer sex as a woman (including really wanting a vagina), but my sex drive isn't that high and the majority of the male role in a relationship is simply unappealing to me. I am turned on mostly by emotion, and I can be attracted to both males and females, since what attracts me most is sweetness, niceness, and caringness, and I prefer a relationship of equals. In addition, I have a lifetime predisposition towards passiveness, innocence, and being emotionally sensitive.
Yet the one thing that kills me the most is not having enough assurance of what I am. I envy many TS's because it seems that most TS's are more sure of themselves than I am. Many times I think I'm TS, but other times I think I may be bigendered, other times maybe gay, other times I think I'm just an "overtly ambitious crossdresser" that loves femininity and the female world so much. It's really hard to be in gender limbo, and this frustration makes me feel like I'm going to be close to a mental breakdown. In addition, my life is essentially stalled due to my unsureness of what I am (and everything comes out of identity, which gender is just too much a part of.) I know some people here may tell me to get a therapist, but I'm still at least 2 months away from that due to my circumstances (I make money doing city photography in cities in the eastern half of the U.S., when I live in the pacific west.)
I really would appreciate any comments, thanks.
