Overcoming "Ambivalence"

[jill610]

So okay I searched and didn't really find anythign helpful or relatable.  Anyways, I'm 31, and been seeing a therapist on and off for going on ten years.  Holy crap.  Back in 2003 I made the decision to transition and had started "coming out" to family and then got really sick.  A bit of near death experience, some vicodin, and a strong desire to fit in and voila... here I am in 2010, married with a 7 month old son.  Ick. 

This year I got laid off, found a new job (like super quick too), started and now I'm back exactly where I was in 2003 from a mental perspective.  The barriers are broken, the floodwater is high, and I'm one confused puppy.  So getting quite near the breaking point I called up (or rather emailed) my old therapist and had a not-covered-by-insurance session with her.  Walked out feeling much better, though no less conflicted.  It's weird.


So anyways I follow up with her to see what kind of a rhythm she thinks I should be on with her, and the response was that I'm ambivalent about the whole thing and she's not sure I should revisit.   So I totally totally agree about the ambivalence, at least in it's truest sense.  On the one hand I have always had this intense feeling that I was wrong physically.  And am increasingly having an intense feeling of missing out on an important stage of my life and really not wanting to miss out on my 30s as a woman.  On the other hand I love my partner and we do have a child.  That there is the rub.

So what I'm struggling with is, how to overcome the ambivalence, or lack of direction?  I can't keep revisiting this cycle every yea as I have been for I don't know how long.  It gets worse every year and I'm only getting older. 

Oh if only I'd taken the red pill, back when I was mentally, financially and emotionally prepared. 

~*Jill*~

[Janet_Girl]

My Dear, only you can decide what to do.  I fought for years to overcome the ambivalence and I finally made the decision to go forward.  And it cost me my home and family.

You have think what is more important to you.  Sorry I could not be of more help.

[andream]

Life is short, Jill, and the fact that you're saying that you don't want to miss the opportunity to live as a woman in your thirties, shows that you understand this.

One day you may get to the point where the pain and frustration of not transitioning exceeds everything else in your life. You'll be willing to lose everything to overcome this incongruity between your mind and body.

I felt ambivalent for years. I was studying in England when I was 16, my parents were paying my way, and I seriously entertained ideas of moving to London then and transitioning. I didn't do it because of ambivalence. There were a number of other opportunities, all of which I balked at because I really thought I would eventually 'get over it'. A few years later I finally reached a point where the pain was too much to overcome, and each day I looked in the mirror I felt like I was dying. I really wish I'd not been so ambivalent when I was younger.

Some may say that unless you're willing to lose everything then you're not ready to transition. I think that it's best to not have to reach that point, and to transition when you feel you can do it.

Somebody here has their signature with a Mark Twain quote: 20 years from now you'll regret more the things you didn't do rather than the things you did do. Well, at least it's something along those lines. It's very true.

[jesse]

hi jill if you will let me walk you down a road that may seam familiar to you. im 14 trying to transition without knowing what that really means im presenting as female i get attacked suppress this desire imeadiatly after and remain ambivolent for 30 years i have a wife kids home the whole package the whole time im buying makeup purging rebuying secretly buying and wearing female cloths off and on because GID wont leave me alone. then 1 day i put my glock in my mouth and almost kill myself. why because i couldnt throw out some makeup i kept in my car that i was getting ready to sell. i drive throughout the night going threw fits of crying and sucidal thoughts. eventally i rejoin susans 2nd go around at this my children are grown and no longer dependent on me except my youngest who is 6. im in a marriage built on lies because the woman im in love with dosent even know the real me only the male persona ive carried with me since i was 14. a short while later that explodes since i cant stop the process of transition without risking my own demise at my own hand. what a shock for her when she suddenly relized what she thought was true was infact nothing but smoke and mirrors dosnt mean i didnt love her or did it. was she just anouther prop. the casualty in this all is wasted years dulled emotions until ive been numb so long i cant remember what it felt like to be happy. this is the road you are on and its a decission that in the end only you can make
jessica

[K8]

I think ambivalence is perfectly normal.  Only you can know the pressures you feel to stay the same and the pressures you feel to transition.  I think you will know when and if you need to transition if you can connect to your inner spirit.  What are you willing to give up?  How will not transitioning affect the things you are not willing to give up?

The beginning stages can be the most difficult.  Good luck as you get in touch with yourself.

- Kate

[tekla]

Ambivalence is a wonderful tune to dance to. It has a rhythm all its own.
- Erica Jong

[jill610]

Thanks girls for your replies.  I'm having a tough time here and can really relate to Jesse's story.  I have been purging on a *yearly* basis since I was maybe twelve.  Something happened in the last few months, and I can't really put my finger on it, but this disparity between my outer and inner self has become unbearable.  My family knows something's wrong.  I told my mom "I'm back in 2003" and she's back in denial and want's me to see my dad's therapist, who really is just an outlet to get onto Zanac or whatever the popular antidepressant du jour is (he's VERY bipolar, so this works for him... been on meds for years and years). 

What am I unwilling to give up?  That's so hard to say.  I mean I have a good job, where I am responsible for bringing in about 20% of the company's revenue this year.  As long as I continue to perform at that level, I would be suprised to see the job go... and they ~pride~ themselves on diversity and tolerance.  one of the C-levels is openly gay and flambouyant (actually sits in the office next to me).  Would I give that up?  Yeah, probably... but I still would need money.  Maybe not the six figures I make now, but something.  Cars?  Sure.  House?  Well I've put a lot of sweat and tears into it, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.  Family?  Now that's a tough one.