Sense of Belonging

[no_id]

I suppose the 'What kind of people are you friend's with' topic unlocked some further thoughts in this little head of mine. Mainly because some folk seemed to have a preference for some type of gender specific people/individuals that they felt they could most associate with.

Hence I pondered the feeling to belong somewhere in terms of gender (groups). Androgyne seems to be a pretty broad spectrum of its own; like I often say: a lot of flavours. On a personal level, because of the previous satement there are quite often times that I don't have that 'sense of belonging' while wandering these androgyne boards. At the same time I really can't feel to belong to any binary identifying folk either. Of course I now wonder if that semi-einselgänger relevation is something more androgynes experience or if they really feel to belong when surrounded by a specific 'group' (or individual) of a certain 'group'.

Open for discussion to everyone as always, I know my poll questions often don't make a tremendous amount of sense.
Also, not to be a jerk but I'd prefer it if the voting was done by androgynes only which doesn't need further explanation I reckon.

[Constance]

I chose "no where," but it might have been more accurate to say "no where for now."

For quite a while, I'd considered myself androgyne. But, lately I've been thinking I might be MTF instead. I'm seeing a gender therapist to try to determine what I am, as I'm getting tired of the ambiguity.

[Sevan]

Hmmm...I've never really fit much of anywhere. To the point of not even voting! HA. Sorry...

I guess I'd say for the moment I'm getting along best with trans men....we've got that whole "taking T" buisness in common. Online some of my dearest people are trans women. Cis gendered folks...while I'm all for hanging with them and bonding and whatever...they've shunned me so far...and my experience *right now* just isn't something they can really seem to connect with...and that's a massive hurdle. I'm hoping as I come into my own more that'll change...but for now, that's where I'm at.

[Janet_Girl]

unlike the others I chose "TS General".  I have a little anxiety when I am around cis-people, so I am more comfortable around my own.

[confused]

i'm somewhere between TS general and no where, but more towards no where
but again , i'm not even sure what label i'm under , even androgyne as i understand don't seem to fit me well since i'm planning on full transition eventually but i'm not totally female or male
so.. sorry i did the vote but i guess i'm closer to be andro than none

[Pica Pica]

In the communities of which I am part I belong in whatever way is natural to belong and these ways are not usually gendered they are about fulfilling the role that is mine. That role is sometimes teacher, friend, child, adult - I tackle all those roles with a sense of humour, a fondness for flexibility and a string of words - I belong anywhere that'll have me.

The places I have not belonged were mainly due to me being unsuitable for the roles. A lot of the time at university I didn't belong because my background and childhood was markedly different from the other students and my assumptions on life were very different. There are a few jobs I never fit in because they required me to push my will on the customer - I do not inflict my will, only my company.

In all these places, my feeling of belonging was precipitated by my decision to belong - a decision I sometimes feel some androgynes refuse. It is completely workable and possible to be a triangular peg and to remain a triangular peg, you just have to look for the triangular holes - androgynes are unusual in life but many unusual people get along together - isn't that the definition of a community?

So, I have to say that there are times when I probably feel less belonging on these boards than other places, as it is hard to belong with those who do not wish to belong.


Post Merge: May 18, 2010, 06:43:22 PM

i'm not totally female or male

You're an androgyne then. Sorted.

[Constance]

There are a few jobs I never fit in because they required me to push my will on the customer - I do not inflict my will, only my company.

I think I know what you mean here. I work in tech support, and we're encouraged to "up-sell" as often as possible. But the way I see it, tech support is about giving something to the customer. Selling is about taking something from the customer.

[Rock_chick]

As I've said before, I've had a sense of really just being a visitor in a group of people no matter who they are (hell I even feel like this with my own family). On the other hand I can be accepted into a new group of people incredibly quickly.

So where do I belong...both everywhere and no-where.

[no_id]

In the communities of which I am part I belong in whatever way is natural to belong and these ways are not usually gendered they are about fulfilling the role that is mine. That role is sometimes teacher, friend, child, adult - I tackle all those roles with a sense of humour, a fondness for flexibility and a string of words - I belong anywhere that'll have me.

The places I have not belonged were mainly due to me being unsuitable for the roles. A lot of the time at university I didn't belong because my background and childhood was markedly different from the other students and my assumptions on life were very different. There are a few jobs I never fit in because they required me to push my will on the customer - I do not inflict my will, only my company.

In all these places, my feeling of belonging was precipitated by my decision to belong - a decision I sometimes feel some androgynes refuse. It is completely workable and possible to be a triangular peg and to remain a triangular peg, you just have to look for the triangular holes - androgynes are unusual in life but many unusual people get along together - isn't that the definition of a community?

So, I have to say that there are times when I probably feel less belonging on these boards than other places, as it is hard to belong with those who do not wish to belong.

I anticipated a reply alike yours when I started this thread and I agree with you; there are many ways to sense to belong whether it's based on common interests, common experiences, goals, personalities - mainly surface qualities.

The sense of belonging I aimed at is less visible and not depended on choice or flexibility.
To explain a bit I'll take an example from my own experience;
I have a great group of friends, they give me a sense of belonging since I can be who I am with them. I share common interests with each of them sperately, experiences, goals - whatsoever. Since I spend a lot of time with them I noticed something; some weird 'deeper connection' when gendered topics come up. The cisgendered females every now and then glance at each other and then without words they understand, the same applies to my cisgendered male friends. I suppose you could lable it as a 'Because that's the way it is' kind of thing. Whenever they have this silent understanding the only thing I see is a weird encrypted code that I can't understand. It's this lack of understanding/connection that despite the great sense of belonging does somewhere inflict a sense of loneliness/forced individuality to the extend where my friends question 'You really don't understand?'... The sense of belonging gender wise is therefore detatched.

I wonder if that makes sense.

[Shana A]

Multiple choices depending on mood, situation, etc...

I originally transitioned transexual mtf so that sometimes relates...

transexual general sometimes relates too, however for both of these, I don't fit in at all when people get into the "true way to be TS".

transgendered is the word I use when talking to non trans people as a way to quickly communicate that I'm not cis, then more details to clarify who I am.

I retransitioned to a non binary space, so androgyne sometimes relates... however not always a perfect fit either.

nowhere often works... I'm simply myself, which happens to include being a person of complex gender

I don't necessarily fit everywhere however doesn't matter often works too

Z

[Eva Marie]

I picked androgyne. But really, i shapeshift depending on the circumstance to "fit in". I do it in social situations, at work, and even at home. It's all a part of the acting we sometimes have to do as TG people to fill our expected roles. I can fit in with just about any group, but i'm not necessarily happy doing it.

[LordKAT]

I picked androgyne. But really, i shapeshift depending on the circumstance to "fit in". I do it in social situations, at work, and even at home. It's all a part of the acting we sometimes have to do as TG people to fill our expected roles. I can fit in with just about any group, but i'm not necessarily happy doing it.

Maybe there should be a chameleon option.

[Shana A]

Maybe there should be a chameleon option.

Indeed, that fits for me!

Z

[Rock_chick]

Maybe there should be a chameleon option.

I think I'd have picked that option to.

[rejennyrated]

Yes thank you.

Chameleon here too!

I suppose because I live very much amongst Cis people with, so long after everything happened, no real sense of being any different from them I would edge towards Cis female these days, although given that I have a trans past that seems a bit cheeky! 

So really as I don't have much problem fitting in anywhere now, the nearest from the options you have is everywhere.

Although I also feel particularly confortable in the AG section of Susans because most of the folks here seem to have a good sense of humour and not take themselves to seriously - which I feel is a good attitude to have!

[Hermione01]

Nowhere

[Pica Pica]

That deep sense of belonging tends to be a result of time and pressure - maybe it is just because I don't have it but I really can't believe in some spiritual uber-connection with people just because of being the same gender.

[no_id]

That deep sense of belonging tends to be a result of time and pressure - maybe it is just because I don't have it but I really can't believe in some spiritual uber-connection with people just because of being the same gender.

It's what I have experienced and so far I haven't been able to contribute it to anything else but gender. Perhaps it's another question worth investigating.

As for the Chameleon option; I think 'everywhere/doesn't matter' pretty much covers that.

[Bombi]

I never really thought of myself as belonging to anything. Maybe it's just another character flaw

[Kaelin]

I'm a cisgendered male, but I don't see anything special in it (other than certain reproductive capabilities) or any type of "belonging" associated with it.  Additional meanings or social constructs attached to male, cisgendered, or cisgendered male generally feel artificial, exaggerated, or distorted.