Aloha, guys and gals, names Ruben, everyone I know knows me as Rue.
Ruben is the name I took once I decided that I'm essentially a male stuck in the incorrect shell. xD Its not an official name yet, and to be honest, probably won't ever be, but I will explain that in a bit. I always hated my given name, 'Cheryl', mostly because it just never felt like it fit, and it felt gritty coming out of my mouth, or anyone elses for that matter, when in reference to me. x_x I chose Ruben as it fit with my nickname [which can still be used as a shorter version] and, conincidentally, means 'Behold, a Son'. xD Which wasn't my intention first, because I didn't know the meaning until I looked it up. xD
I knew for a while there was something 'not quite right' with how I was living before, and, having gone to an all girls' school, it made it FAR more striking. I knew I couldn't be 'one of them'; wearing the uniform felt like putting a round peg in a square hole, being referred to as 'she' and 'her' etc sounded so wrong to me, the words 'girl' and 'woman' never ever seemed to fit me, my body always looked like a costume and not me, and still does. I still pushed on with it for years, just trying to go along just being called a 'tomboy'. Well, that changed after I entered a new community, a year after a massive life event.
A few years after finishing college, I lost my job due to a complication in my abdomen caused by a latent birth defect. I had a malformed section of my small bowel, which resulted in it slipping in on itself like a sock, and twisting and strangulating. It had gone necrotic and gangrenous. I had an operation, but it happened again later, and this time it was cancerous. I had to spend the best part of a year as a cancer inpatient, undergoing chemo, which, after I shaved it to a buzz cut to prevent MASSIVE chunks of really long hair appearing on my pillow, caused my hair to fall out, among other things, and, I swore to myself before I got out, that I wasn't going to be afraid anymore, and I was going to leave the hospital and do things I wouldn't before. Rue was born.
I began as just 'Rue' [meaning regret] since thats what I felt for living too afraid to do things, go places, experiment, etc. And, which may seem odd to some of you, may not, I made a step into an interesting community; the Cosplay community.
That happened because, for my 22nd birthday, I went to an anime convention in London, and decided to dress as one of my favourite characters from a video game [which, when done accurately, is known as Cosplay], however, in the choice of character I made, I made the step into a sub-section of cosplay; CROSSplay, the act of dressing as a character of the opposite sex. I chose Nero of the Devil May Cry 4 video game. I found new friends from that day on, and have gotten deep into that community, which gave me a different way to explore myself without making my parents or fiancé looking at me funny [well, I DID expect my first choice of costume would make them think I was mad, but they were quite accepting of it, in fact, my dad LOVED it, and still does xD], and as such, I've never once cosplayed a female character! xD This opened doors.
This had given me a way to express myself in a fairly safe environment, where its not uncommon for normal females to dress as men/boys, even if they aren't transgendered at all, or gay/bi/etc. Its kind of like an extreme kind of the drag-king idea. xD
Anyway, I'm waffling, and will get back on track. xD Basically, I was finding myself more and more, and the cosplaying community, so I found, is full of VERY open minded people, and I've found some very supportive and understanding friends among them.
I discussed my confusion with a few close friends, and came to the decision to act on my self-suspicions of being a male in a female shell. I found myself as bi-sexual, which I view to be seperate from my gender identity anyway, and, having been engaged for 4 years at that point, when I told my fiancé my issue, I made it clear to him [and to my close friends] that anything going on in my head makes no difference to how I see him, and my feelings for him. Whatever happens, hes the only one for me. I even told my mum how I feel in my body, and I was surprised how well she took it. ^^ I've always been a 'tomboy' in the eyes of most, so I guess it wasn't a striking revelation. xD
Well, since then, I've been making subtle changes to my lifestyle, like using some of my Crossplaying things in everyday life [like my chest binder, which I originally bought with crossplay as an excuse], and certain subtle makeup techniques to tone down any fem in my face, etc. I've always had to wear mens trousers [being just over 6ft anyway] so theres no actual change there. xD But I've made the switch over to wearing less and less feminine articles, and so on. I manage to pass successfully for the most part [some people may or may not still see through it], however, my friends have made it clear, even though I'm a 23 nearly 24 year old bio-female, I pass as a 17-18 year old boy! xDD Down to my build, mostly, and I guess, my choice of dress. xD I dress like a skater. >_> xD Thats always been my style, just made it less and less female. xD
Now, my issues are, I'm kind of stuck here, just making do with using techniques of dress, and just prosthetics and binders to make me 'me'. I can't make a full transition because my fiancé has gotten too used to my female shell [I mean, he does love me for me, but I think it would break his little heart if I made such a massive change] because there are little things he likes about my body [that I don't] that make him just so cute, like a puppy, that I think would tear him up if they went. And I don't think he could handle being ESSENTIALLY made 'gay' in a sense. [No, he's not a homophobe, its just not 'him', if you get my meaning]. That, and I think my family might have a few issues with it. Also, I have a few issues myself, with massive change. =_= I mean, before chemo, I was too afraid to cut my hair! xD Even though I new it would grow back, I was too scared to do it! xD So, in that respect, I make life harder for myself, however much I've thrown my other fears away. I dunno if these feel like valid reasons to any of you, but thats my thoughts.
So, at this point, I'm living as both, presenting as female for 'official' reasons, ie work etc, and to my family and OLD friends, and living as male within the cosplaying community, and with my NEW friends. I'm just going with the idea that the female body is just another cosplay, and the male inside can come out and play when I'm able to put 'her' away for a while again. Just an odd way of coping, I guess. xD
OMG, WALLOFTEXT... O_O I apologise PROFUSELY for writing so much for a first post! xD I mean, thats not even everything I could write, most likely has some holes in it, and probably ceased to make sense in places. xD If anyone has any questions for me, don't be afraid to ask, I'm happy to answer, and won't take them as crit. ^^
PS: I applaud anyone who read the WHOLE thing! xD
