Hi,
So I actually signed up a few days ago having lurked for long enough. Anyway I wrote this massive thing that was going to serve as an introduction however it got a little out of hand, so I am keeping that for myself and will try to keep this short! I just started writing out my thoughts and it was like 2800 words long!!! So yea, then I finally worked up the courage to make a second attempt.
It was really weird though, cause after I wrote it up I did not feel nearly as strongly as I did for like 2 days. That was why I did not post it, or post here till now. Anyways here I am, in the middle of my final exams at university, age 22. Why is it relevant that I am doing my exams? Because I think they caused this feeling to return. The combination of stress, lack of computer games and most importantly lack of weed smoking (don't freak out I keep myself together on the whole, I am no dirty druggie) are the likely suspects. Those last two are my crutches and well, stress never helps things! Not that they ever solved the issue completely, they just distracted me you know.
I have felt this way since I was 14 or so maybe a little earlier. It is hard to say it has been so long. Though when I think about my life there have been things that make me go "hmmmm" when I think back on them from before that. However due to the two aforementioned habits I was able to keep it down till now, I just live in my own little world most of the time you see, where things like gender are irrelevant (drugs and a virtual world can be quite fun
). At first I told myself I would do something when I left school, but I did not. Then I ended up in university and so I could hardly do it till I was finished whenever the though came up. I really did keep it down though, have done since I started smoking it was pretty effective. In that regard perhaps one of the worst things I have ever done.
However that I managed only adds to my self doubt, by which I am plagued. I am always able to see both sides of an argument, even with things that concern only me I find myself sitting on the fence. Not just with the big things either, I am hardly what you can call decisive, at least not unless I have to be. I have decide that I need to go see a therapist or something in the summer after I have moved back in to the parents which should be in 2 or 3 weeks. I have money and a car so that should be ok, I guess waiting is not all bad. Also I did start growing my hair aged 14, it is a little bit long now
Oh and, if you did not gather, I [think I] want to be a girl...
Seras
PS hell of a family reunion right, I know the score
