First, tentative steps

[Papillon]

I am a newbie on this forum and am finally taking my first steps towards finding out what the hell it is that would be best for me and for those around me.

I am in my 40s and have always "known" that I was in the wrong body, right back to my earliest memories.  However, it is something that I have learned to live with and the seering pain of adolescence has now died down to a dull, background ache.  However, now that I have reached a point in my life where I feel fulfilled in most areas (career, family, relationship) and am as reconciled to my biological gender as I have ever been, I feel the sudden and almost irresistable urge to revisit the subject of my "true" gender identity.  There are probably many reasons for this, not least of which is my recovery from a long illness that made me feel as though my life were drawing to an end.  Now that I am better, it is like having a second life that I wasn't expecting.  Therefore, I can do what I like with it!

However, I have long ago decided that, just because I want something doesn't mean that I have a unassailable right to have it.  And just because I would give my soul to be physically male doesn't mean that I have to be.  I have a young family and a (male) partner and an established career.  It is a lot to throw up in the air for the sake of this change.

And so I am at the crossroads of deciding whether I will continue for the second half of my life in the same way as I have done for the first, or whether I will make the change.  It is a momentous decision and I am tryng to be as cautious and rational about it as I can.

Joining this forum has been a wondeful start and I have really appreciated reading about other people's journeys.  I have also joined a local trans support group and am finding that to also be very reassuring.  I have also now planned my first visit outside "in role" and, whilst the thought is terrifying me, I know I have to experience what it might be like if I am to make the right choice.

So, apologies for all the introspective waffle and thanks for reading it.

[LordKAT]

welcome to Susan's and happy journey.

[cynthialee]

Hello welcome to the group.

[Papillon]

Thanks so much for the welcome, folks.  I am starting to feel at home already!

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Papillon,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4800 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  

It is that looking at the gates of death that many finally choose to fix that which is incorrect.  I know that I did.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[Papillon]

Thanks so much, Janet Lynn.  Yes, I guess that even the stormiest cloud can have a silver lining!

[tekla]

We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.
    Harrison Ford

[Zack]

Welcome to Susan's !

[jesse]

welcome to susans hun

[Renate]

So, apologies for all the introspective waffle and thanks for reading it.

Ah, we don't mind you bringing your waffles here.
You did remember the syrup, didn't you?

[cynthialee]

Ohhh! Waffles!!!
I want jam on mine.

[LordKAT]

Did I hear waffles?  Got any molasses for em or fruit?

[Papillon]

*hands out the waffles, with a variety of toppings*

Thanks all!

[Ruben]

There are probably many reasons for this, not least of which is my recovery from a long illness that made me feel as though my life were drawing to an end.  Now that I am better, it is like having a second life that I wasn't expecting.  Therefore, I can do what I like with it!

However, I have long ago decided that, just because I want something doesn't mean that I have a unassailable right to have it.  And just because I would give my soul to be physically male doesn't mean that I have to be.  I have a young family and a (male) partner and an established career.  It is a lot to throw up in the air for the sake of this change.

And so I am at the crossroads of deciding whether I will continue for the second half of my life in the same way as I have done for the first, or whether I will make the change.  It is a momentous decision and I am tryng to be as cautious and rational about it as I can.

Welcome to the boards, Papillion!

I feel you there, with the illness thing; it wasn't until I'd finished chemo for lymphoma did I decide to address my issues, since I decided lifes too short. However, like you, I'm unsure about actual physical change right now, since I have a fiancé of 5 years, and I'm not sure how family would take it, etc. So for now, I've decided to go with just basically living a 'double life' of sorts. I'm going to find a therapist soon, so maybe I can find the right way to go then.

Things happen for a reason, and I think massive life events are there to make us reshuffle our priorities for the better. ^^

[Dana Lane]

Welcome to Susan's Place! There are a lot of people here that share their experiences and it really helps a lot. I came here close to a year ago and this is where I put all the pieces together. I am now on the right track thanks to the wonderful people here.

Never be shy to ask questions!

[Papillon]

Ruben, it sounds as though we are indeed in the same boat.  I will need to engage in therapy if I am to decide what I want to do.  However, I am inclined to seek a referral to a psychiatrist first as, if I don't get a diagnosis, I want to stop digging this stuff up before it becomes impossible to bury it again.

Thank you very much, Dana Lane.  Yes, I am finding the forum to be a godsend.  It is really helping me get to grips with all of this rather overwhelming stuff.  We will get there!