Confusion

[tori319]

So I saw my therapist today and I don't even know where to begin.I was really nervous,my other therapist sent me to this guy because he was more experienced with trans people.I met with him and he asked me if I masturbated and had sex,and I said I had done the former but had never been comfortable enough to do the later.He also told me I should have sex with a guy before starting hrt. He also told me that I was too masculine and that he would rather me have come in a wig and heels.He then told me about all the problems that I was going to have and about another trans woman who dates straight guys and how he's worried about her.He said that he wasn't trying to discourage me and I even agreed with him on some points, but this other stuff bothered me a little.He also said I was using the wrong terminology and that transgender means a non op and transsexual means mtf.I feel very discouraged, like I either want to self medicate or die because I can't deal with living this anymore.

PS.Does being able to masturbate mean I should be fine to have sex?

[cynthialee]

I think him advising sex like that is completely out of line.
Get a new therapist.

And as to mastubation and sex...only you can answer those questions for you.

[Janet_Girl]

There is so much wrong with the way he was asking you questions.  None of which seems to have anything to do with you.

Find a new therapist.  Masturbation and sex are two separate issues.

[tori319]

I don't want to offend him but I do think I might need another therapist.

[Metamorph]

sounds a bit wacko. go have sex with a man... doctors orders! yeah thats just not how it goes. sounds to me like hes heavily bought into a stereotype too with the way you should present. ditch him fast and get a real therapist. one that understands rather than preaches a load of bull. As for masturbation and sex, Im like you i do the former but cant entertain the thought of the latter and theres nothing wrong with that. If you get horny you just need to work with what you have even if its not ideal.

[tori319]

Thanks I thought maybe I was crazy ,and being nervous on top of assuming this guy knew what he was talking about made like I didn't know what I wanted.

[Flan]

recommendation: toss like yesterdays news (as you likely know, sexuality isn't gender identity or expression)

yeah gender variant people have to be careful dating, but that goes without saying these days. and as far as masturbation vs intercourse, the latter is more a balancing act of communication, actions and mood then anything else (where as solo acts take less... effort to be able to perform).

[sarahm]

I totally agree with cynthialee!
Suggesting that you have sex with a guy as a guy before transitioning is completely out of line!
I would be looking at getting a different person to help me being honest. Also, you should feel comfortable when you are there, if you feel confident walking around in a wig, with a dress on and heels, then do it, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

[V M]

I'd have to agree that you should look for another therapist and as mentioned, gender and sexual issues are two separate things

I also agree that the therapist your seeing now is completely out of line

[Hermione01]

So I saw my therapist today and I don't even know where to begin.I was really nervous,my other therapist sent me to this guy because he was more experienced with trans people.I met with him and he asked me if I masturbated and had sex,and I said I had done the former but had never been comfortable enough to do the later.He also told me I should have sex with a guy before starting hrt. He also told me that I was too masculine and that he would rather me have come in a wig and heels.He then told me about all the problems that I was going to have and about another trans woman who dates straight guys and how he's worried about her.He said that he wasn't trying to discourage me and I even agreed with him on some points, but this other stuff bothered me a little.He also said I was using the wrong terminology and that transgender means a non op and transsexual means mtf.I feel very discouraged, like I either want to self medicate or die because I can't deal with living this anymore.

PS.Does being able to masturbate mean I should be fine to have sex?

IMO, your therapist sounds like a creep.

[tori319]

This is a big relief I really thought I was overreacting and I thought he would be more understanding sense he's gay but I guess that's stupid.My biggest fear is insulting him because he set up a schedule through to July.He's a kaiser therapist, and I was wondering if that means to continue being covered will I have to find another kaiser therapist.

[cynthialee]

trust me the get laid method fails.
I was told by a therapist much the same 20 years ago. Told me to get married and have children. Well I tried to screw myself into manhood and guess what...It only gives you a reputation, doesn't cure dysphoria for crap. If anything it makes it worse.

[jesse]

hmm more exp with trans people my ass find anouther therapist tori this guy is full of it go have sex with a man gender and orientation are two diff things a glaring error which proves this guy is whaco he dosnt have a clue what hes saying.
jessica

[Cindy]

It's an idiot. Get rid of it. And if you can report it to whatever legislative authority there is.

Cindy

[justmeinoz]

2 words- Total Incompetence.

[AmySmiles]

This is a big relief I really thought I was overreacting and I thought he would be more understanding sense he's gay but I guess that's stupid.My biggest fear is insulting him because he set up a schedule through to July.He's a kaiser therapist, and I was wondering if that means to continue being covered will I have to find another kaiser therapist.

That explains everything.  Get a new therapist, he obviously isn't educated enough to understand that transsexualism isn't an extreme form of homosexuality.  I think a lot of people, gay or not, think this and what he's suggesting you do is appalling.  I bet he thinks he's helping you by trying to make you realize you're "just gay."

[Dana Lane]

This therapist needs to go see a therapist. His behavior is incredibly offensive and unprofessional. Having sex has nothing to do with being transsexual. And for him to tell you how to dress to come meet him is absurd. You should be yourself and not what he tells you to be. Find another therapist!

[blackMamba]

Thanks I thought maybe I was crazy ,and being nervous on top of assuming this guy knew what he was talking about made like I didn't know what I wanted.

I agree with the others.  If everything went down like you said it did, at the very least he has some strange and presumptuous ideas floating around in his head.  Maybe his line of thought was you should rule out your not being gay by going out with men.  But to suggest having sex with men, well, it almost sounds like this guy is all horned up himself. 

You don't need to give him an explanation why you won't be seeing him anymore.  Just leave a message with his receptionist or a voice message and be done with it.  As for the insurance issue, that's something you will have to research.  It sounds like this guy was in-network and you need to find another in-network therapist?  You really have to look at your insurance plan or talk to someone over the phone (you don't need to disclose you are trans when doing this, btw).