I've been born in the wrong body...

[Crombie33]

And I've known it ever since I was 3-4, and I just turned 19 now in March. From the beginning, I knew something wasn't right about me. It isn't normal for a 3 year old "girl" to whine and cry, just because my teacher wouldn't let me run around outside with my shirt off with all the other boys. I know I'm not really Lesbian.. because I don't see myself as a Girl, that likes girls. I've just felt like a guy all my life. I never really go anywhere, and I really have no social life, because I feel like I can't be truely happy, unless I get the change. Every passing year gets worse and worse for me.. I've even been through a couple suicidal stages, because I'm just at a loss, and I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. After keeping this in for so many years, I finally decided I would tell the one person that was close to me, my Aunt.. because my Parents have never really cared, or been there for me. My mom never takes me seriously, and my Dad is just completely against it. If you want to get technical, they aren't even really my parents.. I recently found out, a couple years back, that the lady I've known my whole life as "Mom" is really Grandma, because my Mom signed over her rights when I was younger. She was 16, and didn't really know how to raise a kid, so Grandma, and the guy she married, we refer to as "John" has raised me. But anyways, back to me telling my Aunt.. She told me that she supports me, and that she'll love me, no matter what. Then she asked if she could tell my other Aunt, and I told her yes, who told me the same thing.. that they would love me no matter what. Then I decided to take the big step, and tell my "Mom" Needless to say, she looked at me like I was some kind of freak, and told me she wasn't going to support me in it, and so did John. I have no social life, so I really don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. Although I'm 19 years old, they pretty much hold me prisoner in this house. I can't leave, because Mom has my Birth Certificate, they took my ID, and they wouldn't let me get my permit, or even my License. Hell, she doesn't even let me have internet access.. I always have to sneak around, and find other ways to get it. I just want to know how I can start, to somehow get this sex change. I've never wanted something so badly in my life.. I just want to be happy. I have no way of talking to a Therapist or anything, because I don't have a Doctor. I dress like a guy as much as I can. But when I was younger, it was harder to do, because they would always force me to wear clothes out of the women's section, and if I didn't pick clothes from there, I ended up going without. It just hurts, knowing that they aren't there for me, in my time of need. I just wish they could see how important this is to me. I'm just at a loss, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Not to mention, I have no way of paying for something like this. My parents won't let me work, so I have no job. Even if I tried to apply, she won't hand over my legal papers, and such. I don't know if loans can be taken out to do this kind of thing, or what.. because I have no insurance at all. I have nothing.

[K8]

Welcome to Susan's, Crombie. 

There's a lot of good information and good people here.  Each of our stories is unique but we have a lot in common.  Settle in, pull up a keyboard, and explore.

Be sure to look under the Announcements heading.  There you will find the rules we live by in this little world of ours:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  

Look through the other stuff there, too.

Your story is very similar to many here.  Look around and I think you will find help in your quest to be yourself.  You are in a tough spot now, but like many of us here have done before you, you can work your way out of it one step at a time.

Good luck.

- Kate

[justmeinoz]

Sounds like unlawful imprisonment almost.  Is there a local Gay and Lesbian support group or Trans support you can contact? You are 19, and so an adult, and it's time they treated you as such. You don't say what sort of community you live in, so it may need a bit of searching to find what you want, but you could start with a look at what your local govt offers.  Hang in there, at least you have got started early, and are not in your 50's.   

[Crombie33]

There's no place local here. I live in a small town in Oklahoma. I've been here for two years. If I want any kind of city, with more opportunities, Fort Smith is like, half hour away. But I can't drive, so I have no way of getting to anything. It's so difficult.

[FairyGirl]

it sounds like from your story that appealing to your 2 sympathetic aunts is your only best option right now. This conditions kills young people all the time (from the suicide you mentioned), so yes it is very serious. A lot of times older people don't take younger ones very seriously, but we all feel pain just the same. If your aunts truly do support you, then perhaps if your "mom" heard your desperate plea for help from them it might make some difference. But holding you prisoner in your own home is tantamount to abuse which I'm sure even in rural Oklahoma is unlawful.

Best of luck to you dear, please hang in there.

[Crombie33]

it sounds like from your story that appealing to your 2 sympathetic aunts is your only best option right now. This conditions kills young people all the time (from the suicide you mentioned), so yes it is very serious. A lot of times older people don't take younger ones very seriously, but we all feel pain just the same. If your aunts truly do support you, then perhaps if your "mom" heard your desperate plea for help from them it might make some difference. But holding you prisoner in your own home is tantamount to abuse which I'm sure even in rural Oklahoma is unlawful.

Best of luck to you dear, please hang in there.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I'm trying my best to hold on. My Aunts have a bunch of problems of their own to deal with, and probably don't have time to help me with mine. My closest Aunt, has 2 kids she's trying to raise on her own, because her second husband is in jail. While the other Aunt, has 6 kids she's trying to raise, plus court business with her ex husband. The last thing I want to do is pester them with my problems, no matter how important this is to me. I don't think there's nothing they can really do. I know they've both mentioned to my Mom about how I feel, but she's just so stubborn, she's got her mind made up. I'm just a freak to her. She's never had anything nice to me for the longest time. And John has been trying to push me off into the Military, to get me out of the house, which might be my only way out of here. But I'm just not sure.

[kyril]

Joining the military is an effective way out of hopeless situations. I'll give it that. In some ways it won't be fun - it will exacerbate your dysphoria, because so many aspects of military life are affected by your biological sex - but provided you think you can serve honorably and fulfill your commitment, it'll get you out of the house, put some money in your pocket, and pay for you to go to college when you get out. You won't be able to make any more progress in your transition while you're in but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Other than that...if you decide to just strike out on your own (which might not be a completely terrible idea) just make sure that (1) you find and take your identification, or get replacements from the state, before you leave and (2) you do your research and figure out where you're going before you leave. Don't just run without a plan. There are resources for LGBT youth in every major city, you will qualify for them, and you should make use of them. As a transitional step, to get out of the house, you could look for a local women's shelter (since the way you're being treated amounts to abuse when you're an adult) and see if they can house you and place you with some sort of employment long enough to pay for a bus ticket to somewhere with better LGBT support.

[Crombie33]

Joining the military is an effective way out of hopeless situations. I'll give it that. In some ways it won't be fun - it will exacerbate your dysphoria, because so many aspects of military life are affected by your biological sex - but provided you think you can serve honorably and fulfill your commitment, it'll get you out of the house, put some money in your pocket, and pay for you to go to college when you get out. You won't be able to make any more progress in your transition while you're in but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Other than that...if you decide to just strike out on your own (which might not be a completely terrible idea) just make sure that (1) you find and take your identification, or get replacements from the state, before you leave and (2) you do your research and figure out where you're going before you leave. Don't just run without a plan. There are resources for LGBT youth in every major city, you will qualify for them, and you should make use of them. As a transitional step, to get out of the house, you could look for a local women's shelter (since the way you're being treated amounts to abuse when you're an adult) and see if they can house you and place you with some sort of employment long enough to pay for a bus ticket to somewhere with better LGBT support.

I've thought about the Military thing.. except it's something I'd have to look more into. They took me out of school my Junior year, just before I turned 18, then they finally let me take GED classes in January, and I just got my Diploma for that a couple weeks ago. I've tried calling a Recruiter, and they told me that they didn't take people who had their GED, without them getting a few College Credits first. John told me that Military would be best, because I need to get away from "Mom", and him too, since their so strict. I'm not sure if just up and leaving is an option though. I have other siblings, who are here too, and in the same situation, as  far as being stuck here, with nothing to do. One is almost 18, and he doesn't have his permit either. The other is 16, they took her out of school when they took me out, and they just now started letting her get her GED, because they aren't putting her back in school.  Then there's the 14 year old, but he has it pretty easy. It's just a real tough situation to work with, especially when you have no kind of self-independence really, because you haven't been taught it.

[kyril]

Try a recruiter for a different service. The five services all have slightly different standards for recruits. Also, individual recruiters have different levels of motivation to write up waiver requests. If you're squeaky-clean in every other way (and if your house is as you describe, I can't imagine that you wouldn't be) then a GED waiver would be easy to get from a recruiter that felt like putting in the effort. An Air Force recruiter won't because they have more recruits than they know what to do with; the other services, on the other hand, have more trouble meeting their targets and so will make the extra effort.
Post Merge: May 22, 2010, 02:18:18 PM
Oh, and assuming nobody's being physically abused in such a way that you're needing to physically intervene, you can probably do more to help your siblings if you can gain some level of independence for yourself.

[Silver]

That's horrible, out of curiosity, why don't your parents want any of their kids to graduate?

I'd help you if I could, but I don't know how.

[Crombie33]

Try a recruiter for a different service. The five services all have slightly different standards for recruits. Also, individual recruiters have different levels of motivation to write up waiver requests. If you're squeaky-clean in every other way (and if your house is as you describe, I can't imagine that you wouldn't be) then a GED waiver would be easy to get from a recruiter that felt like putting in the effort. An Air Force recruiter won't because they have more recruits than they know what to do with; the other services, on the other hand, have more trouble meeting their targets and so will make the extra effort.
Post Merge: May 22, 2010, 01:18:18 PM
Oh, and assuming nobody's being physically abused in such a way that you're needing to physically intervene, you can probably do more to help your siblings if you can gain some level of independence for yourself.

Makes sense. I had talked to a Recruiter for the Army, I'll have to try other things. And yeah, I thought about if I got out, I could give my siblings a better chance. There used to be physical abuse, and a lot of it. John used to Molest me, and started in my my sister when she got older. He started with me at a young age.. I remember being in Preschool, and I was 3 and 4 at the time.  I couldn't tell my "Mom" because I didn't know how, and I was too young at the time to really do anything. But as I got older, I got to the point where I was just so fed up with everything, and tired of being used, when I know it was wrong, and I hated it so much.. that I finally told her, and she didn't believe me. And that went on for a good 13-14 years. I mentioned my sister is 16, he still tries to bother her. She's told Mom 3 different times about it.. and she just says "She'll talk to him about it" But he keeps trying to have the sex talk with her, and she's told me things like, he tells her he'll how to show her how it's done, when Mom isn't around. Ive told her to her face that if she's gonna sit there, and know that, that stuff was going on, and do nothing about it, then she was stupid. And she told me that I was right, because she didn't care. I told her she could go to jail for it.. and before we moved to Oklahoma, I did go to the Police about it.. twice, actually. I tried to run away, then I called the Police on my cell, and I told them what was going on. They came and picked me up from the street I was at, held me at the station, and asked me questions. I remember the Cop telling me he was about to call Mom, and have her come in, and ask her questions. He had me in the next room, so I could hear everything she said. She told the Cop that my real Mom had mental issues, and I was crazy, and I made it all up, because I couldn't get my way. And I was really pissed off. The next day, they were gonna give us all lie detector tests, and she told us to lie. They didn't give us an actual lie detector test.. We went to some place, and this lady was asking us questions this guy was telling her to ask in her ear. Apparently, Mom had gave all 3 of my other siblings different stories to tell, which made it look like the evidence didn't add up, and we ended up going back home with them. So yeah, that's only some of the ->-bleeped-<- I've had to deal with, since I've been with them. I mean, she doesn't realize that me and my sister could be emotionally damaged from this kind of stuff, but surprisingly, we aren't. She probably thinks that's why I want to get a sex change.. but it's not. I just know I'm supposed to be a guy. I've always hated wearing dresses, but they'd always try to make me wear them anyways. Ever since I was younger, I always wanted my hair cut really short, (it was down to like, my shoulders). But she'd never cut it.. so when I turned 18, I finally did it myself. All I wear are guy clothes, when I have the money to buy them. And I just connect better with guys, on a friendship level. I don't fit in with the girls, at all. But I like them. The only thing I've gotten from research, is I need a therapist first, and I don't know what from there. I heard you take hormones for like a year. I've also heard that you have to practice living as the other gender for at least a year, which I've done for pretty much my whole life. So that'll be a piece of cake. I'm just ready to be a guy. I hate having boobs, I hate my name. I just want to change it all. I want to actually look like the person I feel on the inside.
Post Merge: May 22, 2010, 04:47:02 PM

That's horrible, out of curiosity, why don't your parents want any of their kids to graduate?

I'd help you if I could, but I don't know how.

I know what you mean.. I wish I could help myself. And to be honest, I don't know what their problems are. It's like, they don't want us to have any kind of connection with the outside world, and they want to keep us in here forever. It  makes no sense to me, because if I had kids, I'd do whatever it takes to help them be successful in life. Not give them a life of hell, when I know we deserve so much better than that. And I'd tell them too, if we're such a burden on them, I don't know why they took us in. They should of left us with our real Mom. Then they say something along the lines of "If you were with her, you all would be dead, and wouldn't know each other" And that's when I think in my head... after all the ->-bleeped-<- you've put me through, I'd rather be dead.

[Crombie33]

Hey guy! I don't read rsponses to threads. But here's mine. Get the hell away from those that don't support you! Don't lean towards prostitution but don't be afraid to go to a homeless shelter! Keep it under your hat about your sexual and being identity, because most in the world don't understand. I've been through it and have some room to talk. At your age you have the FREEDOM to to say BITE ME and move on. Get into a homeless shelter and get a job, that's the first step is to get away from those who suppress you. I know you may have a "Comfort zone" living somewhere where you don't have to pay bill and all. Sounds like you need a slice of life, YOUR LIFE! Get out! Just don't fall into the trap of prostitution!! There is a way to bargain with the mind, We just have to find it. I feel for you... I'm telling you though, reality is what you make it. Make the changes to suit your life!

P.S. you can have my hair and equipment if you want, just wish there was a way to trade!

I don't think there's a homeless shelter around here, to be honest. It'd probably be in Fort Smith, which is about half hour from me. I could probably actually hitch hike there, or at least call around first, to make sure. Prostitution definitely isn't an option to me, especially what I've been through living here. I don't think I could bring myself to do that. And thanks for the advice, it's greatly appreciated.

[jesse]

welcome to susans crombie

[Crombie33]

welcome to susans crombie

Thanks