Good questions here and I think most people will ask themselves these types of questions pretty much throughout their life when they try to make sense of things. Who am I? Why am I this way? Am I normal? What can I do to be happy? Etc. For us I think it's a little more complicated because in order to be happy we basically have to change everything about our ourselves at the risk of losing everything and everyone. The stakes are pretty high. Lucaluca, it's so, so important to carefully consider and double-check that you are absolutely sure that the path you choose is the right one for YOU.
Ok, so with that said, I don't agree with nor do I support any comments that say "if you do x than you must be transsexual." I mean yeah, there are some similarities in experience and common paths but it is pretty much self-diagnosed, it's not like there are accurate tests or conclusive research or anything. If you identify as female but you plan on keeping your genitals by choice that doesn't make you transsexual? Hmmm, that doesn't sound right. What does that make them then? Transgender? Cross-dresser? Something we don't put a label on? I would say non-op TS if I had to throw a label around but if they identify as transsexual, the label is theirs, right?
How do you know that you are a male to female transsexual and not a crossdresser, a transgender or an androgyne? Well, I did crossdress a little bit growing up and I went out a few times when I was like 30 or 31. The problem for me with crossdressing was I felt like an f'ing clown. I felt like I was mimicing something, I looked hideous and generally repulsed myself. I don't think it has anything to do with internalized transphobia, more like I wasn't delusional and knew what I looked like. I believe ts is a subset of tg so if you identify as ts than you are also tg according to conventional wisdom, right? I'm definitely not androgyne, I identify pretty much on one side of the gender binary and it isn't the male side.
How do you know that you don't make a mistake? GREAT QUESTION!!!! This is one I think everyone should ponder. Not just that but WHY?? Why do you have to transition? What do you get out of it? Why not stay where you are and maybe be miserable but not lose everything or risk losing everything? The answer can only be obtained by YOU Lucaluca. YOU are the one that has to ponder that and get answers. Keep journals, blog, vlog, diary, talk to people here or in real life if you are close to someone you can talk to. You have support at least here if you need, keep that in mind. I think vexing said "you have to try it on" and I think that's a good point too. Transition is done a million different ways by people, just ponder stuff and come up with answers and remember that you are on a journey of discovery. Don't let anyone tell you who you are or throw you in a box!
For me, I really pondered what I was doing before I transitioned. I really focused on my past and all of my feelings leading up to now. I spent time talking to friends, talking to family, making sure I wasn't rewriting my own history to make a nice, comfy past to explain my transition (I think that's common sometimes). The underlying feeling for me was just something clicking. I had accomplished so much in my life but I did it knowing since I was 5 that I was a girl. I don't feel like I was "a woman trapped in a man's body," that's a little too dramatic for me. I believe that somehow, some unexplainable way, I felt like inside I was a girl. I thought I WAS a girl. I didn't want to BE a girl, I was! It's insane, I know. I hate verbalizing it to people outside of the community because it sounds dumb. There is no explanation for it but you know what Luca? It's what
I felt and it was real.
It was always there sitting with me like a close friend. It was there to remind me that I wasn't being truthful with people. It was there when I got married, there when I got promotions and there when I was doing really bad. It...was...always...there. Feeling like I was a girl inside. That, to me, was what made me feel like I had to transition. I felt hideous in girl clothes, like I was bad actor, even worse than the job I was doing at being a dude. I'd see myself and be like "who do you think you are? Why do you look like this?"
But like I think Jenny said, I was the same exact person whether I wore girl clothes or boy clothes. It was and is in my head. It wasn't something that was split into two. There was no boy me or girl me. I never felt like getting away dressed was "being the real me." I was the real me all the time, in my head. I was totally ok with wearing guy clothes. It never bothered me at all. The problem was that people were seeing me as a guy. It went against who I was as a person. I didn't have a part of me that ever really identified with being a guy. It was foreign. I don't know why. I had a penis. I looked like a guy. Why didn't I feel like one? I have no clue. I spent a lot of time really wishing that I'd wake up and be a guy like my friends and like the same things. I didn't like growing up feeling like a freak at all. I didn't spend all of my time wishing I was a girl, I already felt like one. It's weird though because most MTF TS I know felt like they wanted to be girls. I don't know many that actually WANTED to be guys. I don't know why I felt like that. I did have moments where I did feel like "why am I NOT a girl?," definitely, but I also spent time wanting to be a normal guy.
How do you know that you really are a female inside a male body? I don't? I mean "I just am!" No, wait. "I have proof! My doctor did a test and it was like a pregnancy test and it turns GREEN instead of pink or blue is you are trans. Mine turned green and here I am!" Lol, j/k with you. Honestly, I can't explain it Luca. I can try to, like others have done, but it probably will sound crazy, lol. It goes back far. It's an internal feeling I've had. It's a brain thing somehow. I did not grow up female, I have never had XX chromosomes and never will. I am not here to make a bunch of reasons for you, just to tell you that I can't really adequately explain why it is I feel like this.
I think this is super important for people to keep in mind when they are transitioning and coming out. I had very, very people who just had to know WHY I was like this, why I needed to do it, why it was required. I sat down with each person, explained my thoughts in detail, admitted I didn't have all the answers, and I just reassured them that this is not 1) a new feeling, been here since I was very young 2) something I've thought long and hard about 3) open to questions and thoughts from others and 4) looking forward to living an honest life and one where my relationships with people, especially friends and family, will be 100% honest and pure. If you approach people like that they will be a little less on guard than if you said "look, this is how it is call, call me Sally and don't ask questions!"
How do you know that your motivation for transition is the "right" one. Also a great question! I think there a many different reasons for motivation. Is there a wrong one? Actually, I think the one that would be wrong is if you committed a crime and were changing your identity to hide, lol. My motivation to transition was this. I got a point in my life where I had accomplished everything I set out to do. I had a great job, a great wife, a nice house and all the material things you could ever hope for. I had more money than I knew what to do with. But I wasn't happy. I had good times, definitely. I smiled. I look back with fond memories, I really do. But I was hollow inside. There was a silent heavy sadness in me. When I came out people said "I always knew there was something about you, something different, but I didn't know what it was. It was like there was just something
in you, something heavy, but I didn't know what it was." I didn't act girly. I didn't look like a girl. Etc. But carrying around the weight of this gender stuff is not easy to hide. For me it just manifested itself in other ways. I focused all of my adult energy on achieving success in every way. When I had accomplished that by 36 I was like "um, ok, what's going on? why do I still feel like this? why is it still here?"
There's a great saying that I associate with why people transition and the timing of their transition, regardless of the reason. I believe it wholeheartedly. I also believe it's why some people never transition. You can't underestimate the risk that people face when they transition. People talk about loss of love like it's nothing but really, think about it. You could very well end up alone for the rest of your life. That's a terrifying thought for some people. Losing a job, spouse, kids, community, EVERYTHING and then, on top of that, facing the potential discrimination and violence, it's a lot to consider. But I also believe there are non-transitioning, non-out, non-HRT-taking transpeople all over the place. Ok, here's the quote, it's conveniently tattooed on this girl's side:
Should you transition Luca? Totally your call. Are you in so much pain that you can't bear the thought of not transitioning? Does it just make sense to do it to you when you evaluate your life? Has it been a driving force in your life for a long time? Have you talked to a professional about it? Have you really thought through all of the possibilities of what can happen if you do? Have you asked really tough questions of yourself? I know one that people sometimes really get stuck on is "will I transition if I am not passable? what percentage of the population would have to see me as female to make transition 'worth it?'" It might sound dumb but think about it. If you have always seen yourself as female and you transition and go from being seen as male and not being threatened with violence or losing everything to being seen as a (sorry for the term) "man in a dress" would you still do it? What would have to happen, how would you prepare for that not to happen as much as possible? Do you even care about those things or is it more important to be who you are and just forget about what other people say (like many people here and in the community say)? These are questions to ponder and about 1,341,875 more
Good luck in your journey no matter what it brings you. Just focus on being you, being honest with yourself and others and living a full life
The rest will come, Meghan
Oh, about the genitals, I have the genitals I was born with. I used to think SRS was sooooo important, I couldn't get it done soon enough (this was prior to transition). I have never "hated" my genitals, never tried to chop them off, probably was never caused any psychological trauma because of them, I don't know. My genitals are such a small, small part of my life and always have been. They haven't been a pleasure point for me. I don't use them for anything other than peeing and didn't make a practice of touching it for other reasons. But it is a part of me and my body and has been there for 41 years. It doesn't fit now and I will get SRS to fix that, but it just isn't my focus. Excelling in my career, getting into nursing school, getting ready for this party tonight, those are my concerns today. Whether or not I have a penis is pretty inconsequential on a daily basis for me.
