Did you know as a child?

[Eva Marie]

I guess it depends on the definition of "know". I had a pretty "normal" boy upbringing - i think.

Looking back now, i can definitely see signs of what was to come. A lot of signs.

But it took me to my mid-40s (and the invention of the interweb  ) before i was able to identify exactly what had been going on with me.

[Nikolai James]

I've always felt like I was a boy but I didn't actually know what it was until I was pubescent. A baby story my parents very commonly tell is one where I saw my brother peeing on a tree when I was probably two years old, and then had a tantrum when I tried to too but it just ran down my legs. When they tell that story I just give them a look and go "Really, how could you have not known sooner?"

And throughout childhood I always sort of knew I wasn't like most girls my age. Like a lot of other people said I identified with male characters from books, movies, cartoons, shows... I loved playing outside and in imaginary games I was the brother or the army man or the firefighter. I always envisioned myself growing up to be a man (still have a hard time picturing myself as a woman in my thirties, actually). When puberty came when I was 10 or 11 and I realized no, that would not happen, and that I was developing breasts I kind of shut down and hid away from myself. Wore horribly baggy clothes and stopped eating much. I still didn't know what was wrong then, just that I didn't feel "normal," that my mom wished I were like the other girls, and that I couldn't talk about it.
Realized "I want to be a boy, I'm in the wrong body" at 12.
Learned the name for it at 13. (Thank you, internet)
Finally started eating again at 14 Tried to accept femininity, which has just resulted in a lot of bouncing back and forth between one extreme to the other. Story of my life thus far.

[Janet_Girl]

I have always felt different as a child,  and my cousin would treat as a sister.  And I have a feeling my Mother knew something was different about me.  As she always was teaching me things she would have a daughter.

[kyril]

I see Jenny and I aren't the only ones who honestly thought we were aliens.

Well, when I was being "different," my mom and I had a joke that I was actually a Martian...there were times when I half believed it...

[LordKAT]

Maybe we need an alien thread. I know I was pretty young when that feeling came along.

[Maddie Secutura]

For me it goes back to about the age of three or so.  I knew I would rather have been born a girl but I also thought everyone who was born a boy wanted to be a girl.  I always figured that was why a lot of men were misogynistic because they were jealous of the fact that women actually got to be women.  So for a while I shut up and didn't complain about it because obviously no one else was complaining about it.  I knew that I was going to grow up to look like a man and I figured since that's going to happen I might as well try to be top notch at it.  I felt like I was competing with other guys about growing chest hair, chin hair, lifted weights, etc.  I read what gender dysphoria was and my immediate reaction was: "Well that's nothing special; everyone feels that way."  Of course during my late teens it dawned on me that they didn't feel like that at all.  So the answer is I guess I did know as a child but I didn't know that it was anything to write home about.

[kyril]

Maddie, I was wondering if you could talk more about how you felt. It's really interesting to me, because I sort of felt the opposite. And in trying to learn to understand the different forms of transness, I was able to come to terms with the idea that one might feel like one was a girl, but never was quite able to understand wanting to be a girl. What was it that you wanted?

[jill610]

Some of my earliest memories are of me dressing up in my mother's clothing.  This goes back to at least 5 years old, if not further.  I remember when I was about 7, I dialed '0' and asked how to become a girl.  Hey, at that age anything's possible right?  Sadly, I never told my parents, or my life would likely be quite different.  It seems that my mother's biggest problem with all of this is that she found out when I was 24 and not when I was 7 or 10. 

[BunnyBee]

I have very early memories of feeling that I should be a girl, and in my childhood dreams I often was.  I guess I knew pretty much ever since I got my first lessons about gender.  This would have been when my mom was still pregnant with my sister, who is about two years younger than me.  I actually do still remember quite a lot of things (gender related and not) from ages one and two, I dunno why.

Anyway, I knew right from the beginning that such ideas should be kept secret.  The funny thing is growing up I really believed all boys secretly wanted to be girls and it was like our job to pretend not to.  When I got a little older I thought this was where machismo came from, it seemed so phony and put-on that I thought it must be part of the act.

[Farm Boy]

I was able to come to terms with the idea that one might feel like one was a girl, but never was quite able to understand wanting to be a girl. What was it that you wanted?

Kyril- My experience has actually been much like Maddie's, albeit in the opposite direction.  Growing up I was indifferent to gender but always imagined I'd grow up to be a man.  When I realized that wouldn't happen I got very upset that I was a girl, and I figured all other girls felt the same way.  So, I didn't really bring it up either because I thought it was a common thing.  (I even stupidly sent a binder link to a female friend, who's probably figured me out by now.)  To my young mind, since I had a girl body, I was a girl, (conservative upbringing, no idea even what gay was until the middle of high school) and this was very upsetting, so I wished I was a boy.  I guess it's made it more difficult for me to 'come to terms' with being trans, and that I already do have a boy mind.  Does this help?

[Maddie Secutura]

Kyril - It's actually more complicated than just a feeling of wanting.  I'm one of four children and my brother and I were always lumped together as "the boys."  That being said I knew from an early age that I must be a boy because that's what I'm called.  I didn't like it but that's how it was.  So that's what I tried hard to be.  And the odd thing is that I always thought that I looked like a girl when I was younger and how unfortunate that was because as much as I hated being a boy, looking like a girl was getting in the way of trying to be what I was expected to be.  To clarify I guess I can lump this and my previous post into several bullet points (which I should have done earlier)

-I was told I was a boy
     -Therefore I thought all boys were like me
     -I didn't want to be a boy
         -Therefore all boys felt the same way
-I also thought I looked like a girl
     -But I was supposed to be a boy
     -Girls were lucky for getting to be girls
     -Boys were unlucky because they weren't a girl
          -It never occurred to me that looking like a girl meant I could be one
          -Because I was told I was a boy
                -So looking like a girl while being a boy was unfortunate

Had I not assumed that everyone else was like me, I would have been able to say something sooner.  I think I asked my mom why I looked like a girl when none of my friends did.  She told me I didn't but I didn't believe her.  Its amazing that I never put thinking I was supposed to be a girl and thinking I looked like one together.  This probably doesn't clear anything up.

[Nygeel]

For myself it wasn't that I knew I was a guy. I was always masculine but I didn't equate it with wanting to be a guy for a very long time. I tried to pee standing when I was about 6 (and failed). At the age that kids tend to get obsessed with gender stereotypes (3-6ish?) I wanted to do "boy" things, despised Barbie. I played baseball and when I was told I could play only with girls I threw a fit...partially because I had small hands and couldn't hold a softball for ->-bleeped-<- and partially because I didn't feel like I fit in with an all girls league. I complained about wearing dresses and skirts when I was 3, and started shopping exclusively in the boys section for clothes when I was 10.

I will say that I really didn't know I was trans when I was young. I didn't really feel like I was a girl or fit what most people thought a girl was.

[AmySmiles]

My experience is pretty similar to Maddie's but not quite the same.  It's hard to explain the way I was when I was little.  I've always "known" I was male because that's what everyone told me, however I always hated being called male pronouns.  I  also figured every boy would rather be a girl and therefore assumed I just had to deal with it.  When I was in grade school I can fully remember not wanting to have a strong upper body in physical fitness tests because that's what boys wanted and I wasn't a boy.  Somehow I never picked up on any of this.  So I think I did know as a child, on a very deep subconscious level, but I didn't realize consciously until I was 10 or 11.

[Ashley Allison]

For me it goes back to about the age of three or so.  I knew I would rather have been born a girl but I also thought everyone who was born a boy wanted to be a girl.  I always figured that was why a lot of men were misogynistic because they were jealous of the fact that women actually got to be women.  So for a while I shut up and didn't complain about it because obviously no one else was complaining about it.  I knew that I was going to grow up to look like a man and I figured since that's going to happen I might as well try to be top notch at it.  I felt like I was competing with other guys about growing chest hair, chin hair, lifted weights, etc.  I read what gender dysphoria was and my immediate reaction was: "Well that's nothing special; everyone feels that way."  Of course during my late teens it dawned on me that they didn't feel like that at all.  So the answer is I guess I did know as a child but I didn't know that it was anything to write home about.

Maddie!! It is so spot on how you put this... I too, for a very long time, believed that everyone else felt at least a little like I did; that other men were deep down trans and suppressing.  I am embarrassed to say this, but I feel like this illusion only escaped me in the past year.  I don't believe it is a matter of me being inept in recognizing how others feel.  Instead, my subconscious was naively assuming that others felt like me in the same regards to being trans.  On the same level, one's mind assumes that when other people feel happy it is a feeling similar to the one we ourselves experience; when other's feel sad, it is probably very close to the way we ourselves feel sad; etc.  From what I can tell, our brains do this because, in general, this cognitive model of other people in the world is correct; people really laugh, cry, have feelings of desire in much the same way cross-culturally.  This allows for relatively accurate modeling and efficient processing of social information.  Naturally, I believed my brain used this method in modeling other's cognitive framework.  My brain assumed the feelings I felt were felt by the vast majority of other's around me.

How wrong I was in relation to the issues of being stuck in the wrong body.  I still think GID is sparsely common... But, not near what I believed.  I am now at a point where I am trying to figure out how males in general do not feel the same way I do.  Obviously, I know they are comfortable in their physiological body, but these are feelings I can't generally relate to.  From what I can tell in the posts, this is a more common topic in the trans community than maybe acknowledged.  I think if it was examined through research, the results of studying this subject could be beneficial to therapy that tries to relieve the depression/ anxiety associated with trans. 
Thanks Maddie for addressing an issue which has been hexing me for a long time, it feels good to hear it in writing    

[kyril]

The reason I was interested to hear this is that I felt pretty much the same thing in reverse (like Farm Boy) - that nobody could possibly want to be female, that other girls must want to be boys, that all of them are deep down trans and suppressing it.

I am now at a point where I am trying to figure out how males in general do not feel the same way I do.  Obviously, I know they are comfortable in their physiological body, but these are feelings I can't generally relate to.

I could have said the same thing but with the word "females" substituted in.

I guess the difference is that I had an acceptable ideological framework on which to hang those feelings, and I found a certain amount of mainstream validation of them. What I did, basically, was assume that the discomfort I had with being female was a product of sexism - that what I was feeling was fundamentally the same as what feminists were feeling and expressing in their writing.

That obviously doesn't work for the physical dysphoria - I still couldn't grasp why anyone would want to have a female body (who would want to be weak, soft, hormonally volatile, emotionally unstable, and in pain and bleeding 25% of the time?) But it was reasonably successful for explaining the problems I had with women's clothes, shoes, beauty standards, mannerisms, social roles and expectations, relationship roles, and the like. Surely all these things must have been equally uncomfortable and artificial and wrong for all women? Right? They'd understand?

Yeah. Not so much, I discovered as I grew up. Turns out it's mostly other women who enforce the standards of womanliness, and most men outside very conservative places couldn't care less. And now I'm back to square one, being baffled.

[Espenoah]

I guess I'm a minority in the topic. >.>
I didn't know when I was a kid. I didn't know right away when I hit puberty. I didn't even realize anything was wrong. I guess the best way to describe my feelings was a "disconnect." You know, now that I think of it, I think I was in denial.
I started wearing more androgynous clothes in 3rd grade, which transitioned into all guys clothes buy middle school. I was bullied relentlessly, often being called a lesbian and, eventually, a "->-bleeped-<-." (Excuse me for the derogatory phrase, they never used the correct terms.) I denied everything they told me, since I most certainly did NOT like girls, and if I was transgendered that would mean I would. That was the denial.
But then in 8th(?) grade, on another forum, I was introduced to a FtM transsexual. I did some research on it, and it clicked. I finally snapped out of my trance and realized gender identity and gender orientation were two completely different things. I accepted that I was a gay FtM.

That was the gist of my story. Of course there was a much deeper and complicated thought process, but then this post would get even longer. I'm a very analytical person and like to think hard about things, so I no doubt have a lot more to say, but I'll spare the details. XD

[Farm Boy]

That obviously doesn't work for the physical dysphoria - I still couldn't grasp why anyone would want to have a female body (who would want to be weak, soft, hormonally volatile, emotionally unstable, and in pain and bleeding 25% of the time?) But it was reasonably successful for explaining the problems I had with women's clothes, shoes, beauty standards, mannerisms, social roles and expectations, relationship roles, and the like. Surely all these things must have been equally uncomfortable and artificial and wrong for all women? Right? They'd understand?

Yeah. Not so much, I discovered as I grew up. Turns out it's mostly other women who enforce the standards of womanliness, and most men outside very conservative places couldn't care less. And now I'm back to square one, being baffled.

I'm with you all the way on this one.  Most of the pressure I've received to conform to a feminine role has come from women.  My role in life growing up (and still today...) was the tomboy who the other girls try to "save" if you will.  They all seem so convinced that my life must be so terrible, so devoid of happiness because I don't wear girly clothes, obsess over makeup and boys, and squeal whenever I see something I like.  They relentlessly give me fashion advice and attempt to give me makeovers in order to make me normal/happy/what have you. 

The only guy who ever gave me problems was one I was (very briefly) employed by.  He basically told me to dress like a harlot and use my sex appeal to sell stuff or he'd fire me.  (I told him to fire me and left.  My blood was boiling over that one for a long time...)  I've never been given grief about it by other guys, though.  I make friends with them easily and am usually readily accepted as "one of the guys," and have actually been asked out by straight guys and told that they like me because I'm "not like other girls."  (I just take this as a compliment to my masculinity.)

[tiger]

I knew something was different from a young age, but I could never put my finger on it. Saw something on transgender on the Discovery channel a long time ago. It made sense to me, but i chose to ignore my feeling s for a long time. I started to do something about 2 years ago.

I blended in very well as a boy, but I wasn't happy. Now I'm awkward as a girl, but at least I'm happier.

[insanitylives]

That obviously doesn't work for the physical dysphoria - I still couldn't grasp why anyone would want to have a female body (who would want to be weak, soft, hormonally volatile, emotionally unstable, and in pain and bleeding 25% of the time?

This is me being a dork again. But from a purley evolutionary/survival standpoint, why the heck does this even make sense.
Predators smell the blood and assume you're injured.
Being weaker physically (*cleans brain from remembering this*) it's harder to protect yourself from said attack [and the cramps from it don't help]
and..hormonal cycling. WHAT GOD CREATED THIS? How is it logical for someone to be so predictably unpredictable?

Just as far as natural selection goes, female humans shouldn't be alive. They'd be eaten.


Uhh.
back you your regularly scheduled programming.

[K8]

I knew when I was three or four that I was male - I could see that - but that I should be a girl and that I would be happier as a girl.  It didn't occur to me that others might feel the same way, and it didn't occur to me to try living as a girl (since I was male).  I just thought my healthy little body would correct itself and all that extra stuff would fall off at some point - like how you shed a scab when the skin underneath heals. 

Puberty was a wake-up call, and I realized I was stuck being male and would have to try learning how to be a man.  The word "transsexual" hadn't been invented yet.  But I never thought of myself as a man - only as a male who was something other than a man.

- Kate