Confused, Angry, And Ready To Give Up

[aydan_boy]

So ANGRY. A week away from a graduation ceremony I don't want to attend, 5 kg heavier than i was 2 weeks ago, and with a haircut that makes me look butch, or just plain ugly. I can live with going to the graduation ceremony, got an awesome suit that makes me look quite slim, but I hate the extra fat, and this F***ING haircut. I had a perfectly good mop hair cut, and now i look like a freaking porcupine. My face is sooo fat. My legs sooo curvy, my stomach is like rolls, and now I'm freaking angry, mostly at myself. I keep on telling myself the moment i start T, i'll start working out properly, but that may not be for another year or so. I look at other boys, other FTM's, even other girls in my school, they're almost all sticks, almost all with thin, androgynous legs.  I look at them, and know that i'd pass even better, and be able to wear the right clothing if i was just thinner, maybe smaller. Or taller. I'm curvy as a girl, and chubby as a boy.

I have mixed feelings about god, if he exists, if he doesn't, but sometimes I'll wonder, why the hell did you make me this way? What could i have possibly done to deserve this? Couldn't you at least give me a little slack? I feel envy all the time. I look at my brother and all i can feel is hate. He can have the life i never will be able to. I'd do anything to be given a second chance at life. I sometimes pretend to make deals with myself. When i go to sleep, i'll think
"If i wake up as my brother tomorrow, I promise I will  -become a devout Christian / Die at the age of 40 / do practically anything -
And then i think:
Why the <not allowed> does it matter so much to me?
And then my last thought is:
This is becoming pathological.
I should just die.
After all its just a body.
But i'll never be man enough to commit suicide, i don't think.
I want a normal life.
I'm sick of whining. I don't think i can do this anymore. I might ass well go back into doubt. Wear a dress or something. I'm crawling back into my little closet. I hate it, but it would be so much easier. Not right, just easy.
I'm just lost.


edited for language

[Hermione01]

I'm sorry that you're feeling out of sorts. I have those days too. Just remember, your hair will grow, you'll get your body into shape before long and this will be a fading memory. It's good to have a mini rant and let those negative thoughts out though, it's what makes us get back on the right track and get to where we are going. 

[Arch]

Aydan, you might find, as I did, that crawling back into the closet (or into girlhood) becomes a prison worse than the one you are trying to escape. It might take awhile, but it can easily happen. And then the act that at first seemed "easy" becomes heavier and heavier until it is impossible to bear. Then you realize that years have gone by, you're bitterly unhappy, and you're still not living authentically.

You know that this process doesn't happen overnight. So have your rant, then start setting reasonable, attainable goals for yourself. Start small. Even if it's just walking around the block, folding one shirt, making one phone call that you need to make.

Please don't beat yourself up. Or at least don't do it for long, okay?

We're all pulling for you. Hang in there.

[aydan_boy]

I'm feeling a bit more stable minded, and i can see how dumb it was to even think about crawling back to girlhood. I've gotten this far at such a young age, out to almost everyone, dressing the right way, and hopefully requesting people in my new school to address me with the proper name, all at a young age.
The hair will grow, and I may or may not lose weight. Its a hard road, i've told that to myself a million times, but its worth it. Now i gotta start living by it. Sorry for my little rant, anger/deppresion issues. I do plan on taking some kind of classes to cool off my mind, and get me in a better, not so violent/self damning place.

(It appears I have been edited for language... I don't know why that makes me happy)

[Arch]

I'm feeling a bit more stable minded, and i can see how dumb it was to even think about crawling back to girlhood.

Not dumb. Not at all dumb. Don't you DARE knock yourself like that! (But then, I guess it's better than being knocked UP.)

Just about all of us go through similar frustrations, and here's the good news: it may come back, but it will go away again, too. You just have to focus on the positive as much as you can. Sometimes you can't do it at all, but you have to try.

Will your hair grow out enough by the graduation ceremony?

[aydan_boy]

Lol. Yes it is slightly better than being knocked up. Though i really wouldn't mind some kinda action  . I'm the only one in my class who isn't a couple. The down part of being transgender is that its way harder finding someone who would ever want to love you, or kiss you or anything.

I'm guessing the best way to get through all of this is to start having a more positive look on life...

No...its only 6 days away.  Ahh well, I didn't want to go anyway. There'll only be the same stuck up kids there... the only up in this situation is that it will be back to nearly its normal length in approx a month, which means i'll have it all back when i move back to canada. Which means i wont look like a total noob.

[Arch]

I'm the only one in my class who isn't a couple.

Don't worry. Very few of those relationships will last five years. A lot won't survive the summer. And, no, I'm not being catty.

You'll get there, and you'll find someone. Keep your eyes on the ball, do what you gotta do, and always keep on swimming.