Helping Parents Understand

[JesseA]

So my dad says he's willing to listen to me explain my gender stuff, and he likes that I'm happy but something large and obvious inside of him still refuses to accept the deep rooted hold my masculinity has on my brain/body.

When I mention the name change he just laughs at me and gives me that, oh-it's-just-a-phase-pat. He continually brings me stories of women he's known that are masculine and uncomfortable in themselves, but continues by saying they are "just like you". Which couldn't be further from the truth. I am a man. Not a woman. There is a vast difference between being a masculine girl and a regular guy.

What I am getting at here is the fact that I know he will never understand fully how I feel. I know there is a point at which his old brain cannot take anymore (he was born in 1944 and drinks so brain=not that great) but I want him to not be raging mad when I tell him of my intentions to take hormones and have surgery. And that both will be within the next year.

All I'm looking for here is a way to temper the burn. Are there any good ways you guys have come across to explain the procedures? He will want to know them. Or, simply, a good biological explanation or even just definition of being Trans? I realize this is a huge topic and seems rather straight-forward. I guess I'm just looking for phrases you've used that have seemed to work or ways you have used to explain things over the years to people who mean the world to you.

[LivingInGrey]

Well, first thing I can think of is, some parents will always think they are right (I am the adult, you are the child).

I had that issue when I was growing up, my father made it very clear to me that I am what I am, and no amount of wishing otherwise will change it. But, he also told me "once your 18 you can do what ever you damn well please".

Sorry if I turned this into a "Helping Dependent / Child Understand".

You could also tell your father that these are the steps you will be taking once you are on your own, but would like to start them earlier. Try to make it sound a little more on his terms.

Might just have to bite the bullet on this one and tough it out for a few more years.

[Vancha]

The only thing I can really encourage is for you to spill your guts.  Tell him how it makes you feel; that it truly affects you deeply, that it isn't simply a random inclination that you could live without.  You might also want to explain the haphazard biology of a trans person.  It's not necessarily strongly adhered to science, but it's a basic concept: that the brain develops the opposite gender to the body, that it's a biological mix-up that occurs before birth.  Maybe if you let him know that it's truly different than being a masculine woman, he will open up.  Just try to press that you are his son, that you have always felt that way, and that there is a reason you feel that way.  And that it isn't just a phase at all.

I tend to think when you let people know how very important it is to you, people are more likely to be accepting.

[JesseA]

I am on my own. I am 19. And my dad always said the same thing to me "once you're 18 and on your own". So I am on my own. But I will need help of the family insurance to pay for it as I'm still in college.

Mainly I wanted to know if there was anything especially convincing just so I can ease myself about how much scarring I will be doing my dad.

[LivingInGrey]

...

Oooooh... Yeah, I wasn't any good at getting my parents to pay for anything for me...

***walks away defeated

V's on the right track though. Just tell him everything you can and go from there.

[Lachlann]

I understand where you're coming from. My parents are around the same age as your dad, but it's possible that they will come around. Mine still don't get some things, but they're a lot better.

But I had my dad tell me that I've made it all up in my head and he'd point out women who never got married or aren't overly feminine. It feels like almost every family member has pointed out these same women to me and asked if I could be like that and I'm like, "What do I and these women have in common at all and why do I have to be like them?" It just doesn't make any sense.

I think your dad doesn't understand that being masculine doesn't mean you have a male gender identity. Hopefully he isn't like my parents and refusing to change their opinion on things just because they're 'too old' to.

I don't know what to say, man, I wish I had some sort of advice but I honestly had to fight a lot and end up getting so suicidal that they had to help me or I would have been gone. I can empathize, though.

[Basiliximab]

I think your dad doesn't understand that being masculine doesn't mean you have a male gender identity.

I think that's very significant: it's difficult to explain the difference between being masculine and having a male gender identity. I actually have some feminine traits, and my parents also can't seem to understand that I have or why I would have a male gender identity. My mom's like "but you've always been so feminine" (which I was at one point; just not in the past... I think four years now).

My parents are consummate Avoiders. I guess they think if they don't talk about or acknowledge something, it will just go away, or they won't have to deal with it (ever). I was raised in that environment and I tend to have that trait myself. It could definitely be worse and they could be totally against my transition; right now they say they will support me, but I can tell that they totally do not understand me.

[Ryan]

I find it helps people to understand if you give them a brief outline of the physical side of transsexualism.
If people think it's a psychological or psychiatric disorder they often believe it can be fixed, or isn't as real. Try explaining how it develops in the womb, the male brain, female body, etc.
There's studies with cross-sex hormones in animals if that helps too.

[FolkFanatic]

My parents are consummate Avoiders. I guess they think if they don't talk about or acknowledge something, it will just go away, or they won't have to deal with it (ever). I was raised in that environment and I tend to have that trait myself. It could definitely be worse and they could be totally against my transition; right now they say they will support me, but I can tell that they totally do not understand me.

Dude, you are not alone. I accepted myself waaay back in november (even before i started posting here). I told my parents in... well, around the beginning of the year. They STILL can't say "transgender" and they haven't even TOUCHED the subject until just this past month (when i practically forced them to come in to talk to my therapist with me.)

Even now, after that little showdown in which my therapist tried to get them to see things from my point of view (complete with medical jargon and very "official" sounding stuff), they won't talk about it. Won't say anything to me about it. We're going in circles, here.... especially since i don't feel comfortable bringing it up (i know it won't end well).

About all i got from them is that they don't think they can support "it" and they want me to have my hormones and thyroid checked by a specialist (as if that'll do anything).

So i feel your pain. I do. All i can say is hang in there. Sorry i don't have any more advice - can't even get my OWN parents to open up about it. If you can, seek professional help from a therapist. That may help a bit.