This weekend's been rough. The dysphoria hit really hard and I turned to booze - or, I was going to, and then I found out that my mom drank all of my whiskey (which /I/ paid for). One panic attack later and my dad yelling at me about how I'm underage, have no reason to drink, etc. results in me blurting out at him "I don't know how else to handle wanting to be a guy, do you have any suggestions?" His reaction was literally.. nothing. He just walked away.
Now, it's not that they didn't know. But my parents are passive aggressive and on top of that denial is their thing. It's what they've always done. I've been reminding them about the gender issues and they are completely unresponsive - they will seriously stop and say NOTHING and discontinue the conversation.
My brother and I had a talk about my drinking and he said he really wishes I would find a healthier way to cope. The gender dysphoria is a large part but not the only reason I do (molestation, abusive relationship, forced into sex with ex girlfriend, a ton of other cans of worms that I won't get into) and the roughest part about it is I can't do anything about these things. So, self-medication is the only way I know how to keep it under the surface. I know it's a horrible idea - alcoholism runs in the family and it's horribly self-destructive - so I thought I'd talk to my parents about it to put my brother's mind to ease.
Bad idea. They were completely dismissive. I sat down in the same room, told them I needed to talk tot hem, and they asked what about. I told them I think counseling or therapy would be a good idea for me. They asked why I needed therapy. I didn't feel like I should have to explain it when just the day before they were angry at me for drinking... but I told them to help me with my gender issues. They said they couldn't afford it and stopped the conversation. Right there, dead in its tracks. I tried to keep it going saying it's becoming a huge issue for me and it's getting really hard to cope hence my problem with booze of late - nothing. They stared at the TV the whole time.
My parents aren't horrible parents - but Jesus! That ->-bleeped-<- hurts! I'm trying to be open and honest with them and they just flat-out ignore me. There's a difference between denial because you don't want to face something and flat-out willful ignorance and refusal to even try.
I don't know, I'm at my rope's end here just about. I can't drown myself in a bottle of whiskey every night in hopes I'll get so drunk I'll forget I'm physically a girl. But my parents are acting like they couldn't care less. Not really any way I can make them give a crap if they refuse to.
ON the upside, because I feel bad for making a post filled entirely with bitching - my boyfriend and I were talking about it today and he said he likes me enough to TRY with me if I were to transition. He said if I got top surgery he wouldn't care, if it made me happy (I didn't ask about hormones, and bottom surgery is understandably where he'd probably draw the line but at the moment I don't think I want it anyway). Now trying doesn't mean he'd stick around through it, but it still means a whole lot to me he'd give it a go. I still have problems with asking him to - that's a LOT to put on him and a LOT to ask him to compromise. He's minutely bi-curious at best but he likes boobs, hips, soft girly bodies. I don't know if I could ask him to stick with me knowing I would lose all those traits. And, I'm still not sure it's worth the risk of losing him.
Ugh. My head hurts. I just kind of want to end this, somehow. There's not a lot I wouldn't give to just be comfortable in my body right now.
