Having To Surpress The Conflict

[AyaTheGreat]

Lately i've been struggling with my gender conflict, as most of us do at some point in our lives. But the problem is that I feel like my two selves are at war with one another now more than they have ever been. I've come of age, and the older I get the more difficult the transition will become. This is where the problem began to overwhelm me.

I've been with my wife for 5 years now, we married fresh out of high school and shes known about my situation from day 1, I went out of my way to make sure of that. The problem though, is that 5 years ago I was foolish and thought that this would just magically work itself out. SURPRISE! It hasn't, and its not going to just go away. Mostly, I fear for myself. I'm not suicidal, but the constant frustration of feeling misplaced, bulky, and just generally ugly has seriously strained my ability to live normally. It has caused me to contemplate cheating on her, and nearly going through with it JUST to feel feminine, even if only for a moment with some no-name man I meet over the internet. Being around men who are considerably larger, and more dominant than I am fills a void that I know is there. But I digress, I feel that if I don't make some progress somewhere in my life with this then I will never be happy with anything because right now, everything that should make me happy is sour grapes because its never right(or atleast right on the inside.) I know that no matter how understanding she is, and how much she says she would support my decision and stay with me, the transition is not something we could breeze through and not everyone is ready for it.

I don't want her to leave me, but I also don't want to hurt her. The other problem is that my goals in life are dictated highly by outwardly appearances. By transitioning, I could attain a permanent solution from a life-long problem at the cost of most of the things I hold near to my heart. But by forcing this problem down, and surpressing it, I know I risk my sanity and my well being.

Any words of wisdom from someone more experienced would be nice. I'm 20 years old, and still learning my way. Halp plz?

[spacial]

If I may suggest, cheeting on your wife with anither man is the same as cheeting with another woman.

It's a disgusting and weak thing to do. It's a betrayal of the committment you made to her.

You married very young and that is always a problem.

I married my wife almost 30 years ago. She knew about me as well. I can't say it's been a bed of roses. I can't say I have never regreted it.

I can say that lonliness sucks. I can say that we have grown together. Perhaps one regret I have is that I avoided facing up to myself much earlier on.

I do think you need to talk to your wife about this. If she isn't ready to listen then talk anyway. She needs to know.

You both need to work this one out. Work out what you intend to do and how you intend to do it.

But I also strongly suggest you draw a deep line in the sand from the start over your marriage. Whatever you both decide, it must be within your marriage. Splitting up is not an option.

I do hope your marriage survives. Please believe me that it's really hard work. There is no such thing as a marriage made in heaven. Just marriages that go to heaven.

But if either of you have it on your minds that separating is in any small way an option, then you will use it.

[Hermione01]

I have to agree with spacial, cheating would be the worst thing you could do. Talk to your wife, let her know what's going on and you both can decide whether this marriage is worth hanging on to.

[AyaTheGreat]

I understand what you guys are saying about the cheating, but i'd never cheat on her. I was using that as an example of some of the things that go through my mind during the "fits" where I feel ugly. My marriage with her is strong, we both believe in it and have always done our best to work any problem out so cheating on her will never happen.

Its just that THIS problem i'm experiencing at the moment is out of her control, so i'm looking for help from others like me.

[Sabene]

I appreciate your honesty and your integrity - hold on to that! 

My advice to you is "To thine own self be true." 

Nothing that you build in your life is going to be stable until the foundation that is -you- is finally at peace inward and outward - however that expresses itself for you.  I tried that path too and spent 15 years in a marriage trying to be what society expected me to be with a wife that could never quite get into that place where I could move outside of those boundaries.

Eventually we had to break it so that I could get my foundation in order and it hurt a lot to separate.  But it was the right thing to do not only for me, but for her.  She deserves someone in her life who will companion her completely and I was not able to do that, just as she was not able to companion me.

I don't know your situation and it may be that your wife could be that companion while you explore where you need to be.  Maybe it will be fine, maybe it will be too much and you two will have to make some hard decisions.  But from your post, it seems that she is expressing love for you, and a willingness to try and I think that is a wonderful thing! 

And if she is able to go all the way to whatever destination you finally choose, then bless her.  If she is not able to make that journey, it does not make her a bad person.  It simply means that you two will have discovered an incompatibility.  Whether you two can transition that incompatibility, will depend on many factors.

If you decide that you want to try stepping on a path of change, then might I suggest some TG friendly counseling for the both of you as you proceed?  It helps to have a third party to be able to talk things out with.

Hope that helps. 

[spacial]

AyaTheGreat.

I do apologise that the intention of my post seemed a little upsetting to you. I sincerely didn't mean to misunderstand or to place more emphasis on one point than I should have.

Like many others here, I know how you feel and am pretty certain, I've been there.

I do hope someone on here can help you find some peace.

[YellowDaisy]

Lately i've been struggling with my gender conflict, as most of us do at some point in our lives. But the problem is that I feel like my two selves are at war with one another now more than they have ever been. I've come of age, and the older I get the more difficult the transition will become. This is where the problem began to overwhelm me.

I've been with my wife for 5 years now, we married fresh out of high school and shes known about my situation from day 1, I went out of my way to make sure of that. The problem though, is that 5 years ago I was foolish and thought that this would just magically work itself out. SURPRISE! It hasn't, and its not going to just go away. Mostly, I fear for myself. I'm not suicidal, but the constant frustration of feeling misplaced, bulky, and just generally ugly has seriously strained my ability to live normally. It has caused me to contemplate cheating on her, and nearly going through with it JUST to feel feminine, even if only for a moment with some no-name man I meet over the internet. Being around men who are considerably larger, and more dominant than I am fills a void that I know is there. But I digress, I feel that if I don't make some progress somewhere in my life with this then I will never be happy with anything because right now, everything that should make me happy is sour grapes because its never right(or atleast right on the inside.) I know that no matter how understanding she is, and how much she says she would support my decision and stay with me, the transition is not something we could breeze through and not everyone is ready for it.

I don't want her to leave me, but I also don't want to hurt her. The other problem is that my goals in life are dictated highly by outwardly appearances. By transitioning, I could attain a permanent solution from a life-long problem at the cost of most of the things I hold near to my heart. But by forcing this problem down, and surpressing it, I know I risk my sanity and my well being.

Any words of wisdom from someone more experienced would be nice. I'm 20 years old, and still learning my way. Halp plz?

well, i'm about to start this transition pretty soon, and from the way you were talking, i was thinking you were much older than 20, so you're only two years older than me. i don't think cheating on your wife is going to do anything but cause more problems. transitioning is going to have it's sacrifices, but you have to look at the big picture, and learn that it's either living in the wrong gender for the rest of your life to please everyone around you except for yourself. pleasing people is nothing if you can't please yourself. you look in that mirror everyday, and you need to be happy with what you see. i think that your wife would want you to be happy if she truly loves you, no matter what you may become. transitioning does have it's challenges, but in the end, it's all worth it, because when you think about it, what are the challenges you will face in transition compared to the internal struggle you are going through every day? and yes, many people do end up going down that road, they think that just letting go of it is going to make it go away, and realistically, it won't. you just need to build up that backbone, and accept your losses and gains that may come with this. there will be some hard moments, but transition is a long process, and the sooner you start, the better off you'll be.

[AyaTheGreat]

Thank you for all the advise everyone who responded, and don't worry, i'm thick skinned. I didn't take offense to any of it.

[Angel On Acid]

I think I sort of feel how you do. I'm 20 years old and i've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 4 years. Although we're not married like in your situation, we are very close, so much so that I don't know what I would do without her...my whole life would fall apart.

My girlfriend doesn't really support me with it, but that's not because she doesn't care. This is partly due to that she wouldn't be able to love me as a girl and also she just doesn't understand my feelings. I generally try to ignore my transgendered feelings, but I don't know if that will continue to work.

I have the same questions running through my head...

Amy x

[cynthialee]

Most trans folks who are in a mariage will have that relationship fail. The fact that you let her know before you married is probably the best thing you did. I wish you the best of luck.
Cheating with men at this point will be rediculous. You are still male 100% of the time are you not? (not counting the brain here) You are pretty much limited to gay and bisexual men at this point. I would wager that you would have an even greater attack of dysphoria from such a liason. I am guessing you havent had sex with gay men before. The sex is pretty much a focus on the male body and sex organs exclusively. Men don't tend to cuddle with their same sex fling durring or after sex. The sex is over he is gone. The most promiscuous men I have known were all married to a woman and were very much against any contact outside of clandestine sex rendevous. These are ussualy the guys who are prowling internet hookup sites which will be not only the most likely availabe sex partner you will find that way, you will be becoming that man that cheats on the wife and cruises hookup sites.....
Just don't do it.

[Angel On Acid]

I think there's better things you can do to make you feel more feminine than cheating. Perhaps cross dressing?

[spacial]

While not directly in relation to AyaTheGreat, cynthialee makes some really good points about male gay sex.

I have had a few such relationships and have to say that, apart from two, all were intensly dissatisfying.

My lack of a male response was disturbing to them. My need to take a submissive role equally so.

Personally, I need some cuddles. I need to be carressed and appreciated. But apart from those very special two, it was really more akin to a naked wrestling match. Bony bodies writhing over each other.

Yuck.