hi

[an-bhrónach]

hi, im paul.

im mtf. not on hormones or anything and dont think i will start.im 19 and really depressed (clinically)

i havent told my psychologist and not sure if i will.

i was in denial since i was 9. ill never be able to pass.

yeah sad.

[HelenW]

Hi Paul, Welcome to Susan's!

I understand how you're feeling, I never thought I would pass either.  That, and other things, kept me from transitioning until I was well into middle age.  I was wrong about myself though.  I've been living full time as my true self since 2007 and while some things are still bothering me (one thing in particular *Em looks down*  ) my life is better in many many ways.

Since you are still young, any kind of hormone therapy you receive would probably have much greater effects, and much more success in feminizing your appearance so don't be so sure you'd never pass.  Of course, your first job, even if you never transition, is to talk to a therapist who's knowledgeable about gender issues.  That may be a challenge considering where you live but it is not insurmountable.  One thing to consider, if you don't tell your current therapist everything that is bothering you, how can they effectively treat you?

In the meantime, you can be your true self here at Susan's.  Check out our Wiki, links pages and Chat as well as the forums.  We have a huge amount of info about transsexual and transgender people here for your use as well as a supportive environment to help you get a handle on being who you really are.

hugs & smiles
Emelye

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Paul,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4800 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  

You should never say never.  I started at 54, and thought I would have tough time passing.  But after 2 years on HRT, I am accept as a woman by most all.  So Get in there and just start.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[Arch]

Hi, Paul, and welcome. You might be surprised at what full transition can do, especially, as Emelye points out, when you're still young.

[Fenrir]

Hello and welcome to Susan's! I agree with everyone here, you're still young and so hormones would change you a lot. I would strongly advocate telling your psychologist, or at the very least getting involved in some of the discussions here to help you work through your fears. Good luck!

[cynthialee]

Hi. I am Cynthia. Just like you I have known since age 9. I lived with this debilitating secret for 32 years before I had a complete meltdown/nervous breakdown.
For 32 years I allowed the exact same fears you have shred my soul. 32 years of depression, suicidal ideation, drug use, prostitution, drug sales, promiscuity... the list of self destructive behaviors goes on and on.
8 months ago I decided I didn't care if I passed as female ever or if my voice could never go high enough to sound female or even if my family left me. I had to make the all pervasive dysphoria go away.
Dender dysphoria does NOT go away. You can not bargain it away, pray it away or love it away. It is permanant and if untreated it gets worse as the years go by. I can not tell you how many times over the years I have gone into a fetal position and just sobed myself into exahaustion. But I can count how many times since I started my transition that has happened, once. Since I started my transition I am nowhere near as depressed as I ussed to be. I want to live and love and embrace life. I know that I might never pass, but I have to be ok with that. It means the diferance between life and death.
You would be amazed at what hormones, transition and the modern surgerys can acomplish. You are so young, granted 19 is not the optimum age to start transition but it is much better than 41.
So please deal with this while you are young. Wheather that is resolution or transition now is the best time for you to start the ball rolling.
Hugz
Cynthia Lee

[Hermione01]

Hi and welcome Paul.    I think you will find a lot of helpful and friendly advice here.

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Paul,
As other have said here there is hope.
Please check out the forms, read about many of our struggles and our successes. Many of us think/thought as you do that was little hope.
Like other have said the best thing to do is get a gender therapist.
It will be worth the effort.
Hang in their. And keep sharing with us.
Jilllieann

[justmeinoz]

Paul, don't feel that your therapist will judge you or be shocked by anything you say.  It sounds like you are quite  an average patient and will achieve a lot more by giving your psychologist as much information to work with as possible.

Who says you won't be presentably feminine?
Nobody looks like a model on the cover of Vogue, not even them, without Photshop. 

Go easy on yourself, and take one step at a time.  I am 56 and just getting started with laser hair removal and learning how to apply make-up etc. Once I am sorted financially I will move on from there, but I am laying the foundations now.

[caitlin_adams]

Hi, Paul, and welcome. You might be surprised at what full transition can do, especially, as Emelye points out, when you're still young.

I totally agree with this. Even if it takes you two years to start hormones, 21 is young and you could very well end up looking quite passable.

[Inphyy]

Paul I am still a teenager but soon to be adult and as an little kid I always thought I would be stuck as an ugly, grotesque, monstrous man but overtime I have came to terms with who I am inside and out...It may seem like a good epitome to quit right now and leave life as is but that is what life, society and people want you to think.

You can't let fear and sadness stop you for being who you want to be. I've known a trans-women who is 87 YEARS OLD and she started transitioning at 82. Yes, she may not be the most attractive woman on the planet (Age plays a matter) but it's not all about attracting men and women -- It's about being who you truly are inside and out so when you die you can die in a serene peace knowing you didn't try to play a fake facade your whole life trying to be someone you not...Instead of someone you are.

[an-bhrónach]

thanks everyone. youre very nice.

[Lacey Lynne]

Paul:

Emelye and Arch are absolutely right in what they are telling you!

You're only 19?  Everything is in your favor to have a very good transition.  You'll be surprised.  Properly administered hormone replacment therapy usually works wonders on somebody as young as you are.  And, yes, it will probably work wonders for you!

Several of us here started our transiton much, much later than age 19.  My transition is going surprisingly well, and I'm very much older than you are.  Your chances are superb because of your youth.

Relax.  Join in.  Comment.  Smile.  You've got friends here.