I'm sorry I haven't been active lately on the forums or in chat, though even when I'm here I'm not much active anyways. But the last month or so has been very difficult for me, as you'll read some of it here.
I have been forced (though it didn't take much work) out of my shell recently. As some of you may remember a few years ago I posted that I told my SO about my feelings, because I thought that they were getting in the way of our relationship. I wanted her to know exactly how if felt, the best I could. Since that time our relationship had gotten better, to the point where she'll even recommend we have a "girl" day with each other.
Recently though, my SO has had an issue come up of her own, and after finally getting her to talk about it, it seemed the only way I could think to help her talk to her parents about her issue was for me to agree that she could tell them about me (now after being with her for 13 years, and he knowing about me for 3 years). She told me that my issue wasn't something she felt she could help me with. And that her issue (not related to my GiD) was something I couldn't help her with (though she hadn't fully explained to me what her issue was yet). I agreed that her issue wasn't something I had personally experienced after she told me, but her parents have experienced. She still didn't want to talk to them saying 'it would be impossible for me to talk to my parents about my issue and how I feel you can't possibly fathom what I'm going through and trying to explain why I feel I can't connect to you about your issues that I'm not allowed to talk to them about".
At first, I told my SO that I wish for her not to tell anyone about my issue. I didn't want any more harm coming to our relationship then was needed, and because I didn't have plans to change myself there was no need for anyone else to know. To my surprise (I guess, but it wasn't much of a shocker) they have had friends and family in the past who have dealt with this same issue on different levels (none have contemplated transitioning), and have said that they don't feel different about me (was a sigh of relief). They haven't acted as though they are 'there for me, and will listen if I wish to talk about it and would support any decision I made even though I'm going out with their daughter' but it makes me wonder if I should talk to them about it sometime. Then I thought maybe I should talk to my parents about it. My SO's circle of family and friends now know about me and my feelings. But no one in my family knows. I've always been too scared to talk to them about it, even when I was a child.
Because of this, I have spent a lot of time thinking about my childhood and all of the things I've felt up to the age when I started to escape life in general and ignored my feelings completely. Even now, and I've talk about this with my SO I feel like I have foolishly placed myself in a situation that I cannot in good conscious remove myself from, though I almost cry thinking about staying in my current situation, because that would be completely unfair to my SO and the future I've allowed her to work so hard for.
I don't know if its selflessness or just my inability to cope with the person I am that makes me feel so tired, or both. It feels like I have this constant resistance against me to move forward in life. I feel like I could be happy, just living my life and the dreams my SO and I have talked about. But there are days still that I wish I was just born a female. And lately, there's been days where I wished I wasn't in a relationship at all.
I guess for the time being I should leave it at this or I'll end up writing for days on end, then have to post some 3000+ word novelette on the forums.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice, words of comfort or encouragement to do one thing or another. I just thought I'd share.
LivingInGrey.
