I am 18, my friends say i look androgynous, but i think i'm pretty obviously female with my perfect curves. I pretty much was raised as the eldest girl, but wasn't forced to wear many dresses etc. As a kid i was a little strange, i spent most of my childhood and up until last year believing that i was a lesbian and just liked the company/friendships of guys when it came to hanging out, more than that of girls Because i felt i could 'get them' or bond with them better, like we had more in common, And that was okay.
I remember this one time when i was doing a paper round when i was about 14 or 15, and some guy was yelling at his GF, i believe she slept with someone else or something.. but i walked past and he yelled out "hey dude, you can have my GF because i don't want her". I remember thinking about that so intensely, because it made me feel right and ..safe? (not 100% the right word) being seen as a boy. I was even wearing a partially pink shirt at the time, but i guess i did always wear track pants and shirts growing up.
I have been in a few lesbian relationships, and was with one man.. whilst with him i was very confused because i always saw him as a gay man, and myself a man in a woman's body so his highly religious family didn't know we where gay?.. which didn't quite work out because it was all confusing and we where pretty much incompatible. I ended up with a woman again, and that woman saw me as either Bigender or male, physically female but actually male. I didn't quite know how to feel about that at first, i mean i loved it because it felt right, but i didn't feel 100% because I've been trying to convince myself that i needed to stop deluding myself into believing i was a guy when i was younger. She had a lot of issues when it came to depression though and was heavily into AB and started requiring me to be her "Daddy" more than i could really live with, and i liked that she used male pronouns and saw me as a guy, but she said she loved my feminine body, and knew i sort of did too, even though its really uncomfortable at times. I ended up leaving her because of the way she was into AB stuff, and i just wasn't into it, and we couldn't compromise.
And i started to doubt that she actually saw me as me and not just a part of a secret fantasy father type figure like from the 'futinari' manga and anime she seemed to e obsessed with...
I was going to give up on relationships, i wasn't ever interested in a sexual relationship anyways, i mean, i don't think many people would understand the way i masturbate(as if i had a penis, it's always been that way too), and i didn't want anyone to EVER penetrate me.. if any of that where to happen i would want to be the one penetrating, and we all know that won't ever happen for real. I did do my ex (the man) with a strap on, and that was interesting, he said i enjoyed it too much. But i ended up getting with the woman i am with now, she came onto me really hard and it sort of just happened. But she is a lesbian (also MTF, for anyone who wants to know that), and we've had some discussions about me not feeling like i am "100% female" and we talked about Bigender and transgender.. she is against the idea, and told me she was actually afraid of me coming out to her as only a guy, even though i basically have like 10 times.. and she makes me uncomfortable when she immediately starts touching my breasts and telling me how i should be somewhere in between. But is that how i feel? Physically i think i look like the type of person i would be extremely attracted to, i mean, i'm into girls that look like me... but i don't feel like it IS me.. 'she' is hot.. but not me.. like it makes things very awkward.
I do experience some sort of Dysphoria, especially when it comes to anything sexual. Anything that is sexual i would definitely need to be in a mans body to be comfortable, luckily my partner sort of agrees sexually, although we are pretty uncompatable.. She is a (MTF) lesbian that likes to be penetrated vaginally.. which is actually impossible, but then i don't have the correct sexual organs down their either, but at least we have that sexual connection. Although she wants me to appear female or androgynous, similar to my ex's want.
I spoke to her a little about how i felt, and talked to her about transitioning FTM, she said she doesn't know if she could be with me if i did because she isn't sexually attracted to men. But that i guess wouldn't entirely stop me. I present more often than not as male, and stopped buying any feminine clothes. And i bind about 75% of the time. If i did with to transition i know that my family wouldn't be too much of an issue because i always did my own thing anyways, even though my father wouldn't really approve, my mother, grandmother and sisters would deal with it easily as they already know i present male a lot of the time because i visit regularly. And most of my friends already see me as more male. (not church)
I guess i could live with my body as female.. i'm not really into a lot of body hair, and i'm good at singing with this voice, even though sometimes i wish it was lower in normal conversations or public.
But sexually it's really hard because i CAN'T masturbate the way that feels right, and my GF says things like "i want to lick you out" and i don't let her because i'm not comfortable with that, however if i had a penis i would happily receive a ->-bleeped-<-.
I could wake up and live either way i guess, i mean sex isn't the most important thing in life is it?. And i have grown accustom to this body and living as a female in the world, i may just be saying that because i fought so hard to do a lot of the things I've done, as a female.. like be on the football team, get my black belt in martial arts and going further into training, or not be into boys and other various stereotypical things, not that i'm really stereotypical either way. But i do know inside that if i was actually born male i would be so much more comfortable with everything, and things would've worked a lot better in so many stages of my life.
This is WAY longer than i hoped or planned, so i'll stop there. If you read that.. wow, and thank you. Please help me out?
-Nat.
