Wedding - Help!

[miniangel]

Sorry, my remark was addressed to Vexing. I'll edit it to make the meaning clearer. It was the point about cis-privilege I was addressing. Apologies for the confusion.

[K8]

I would go andro or not at all.  You are "sort of estranged" from your family.  You barely know the cousin.  You don't want to ruin your cousin's wedding.  I'm not sure why this would be nice to your kids.

I've been to a few weddings of large Catholic families.  There is potential for a lot of drama, especially when part of the family isn't talking to another part of the family.  If your family is not accepting of you being a man, your cousin's wedding is not the time to force the issue.  JMHO

- Kate

[sneakersjay]

I agree with James' suggestions, and my answers would depend on whether I was out or not to extended family members.

I would go as me, but might tone it down a bit, ie not suit and tie but slacks and a dress shirt.  I should clarify that by saying if I were only recently out, maybe passing inconsistently, I would do that.  Now that I'm 2 yrs on T, fully out, and sporting a beard, I would not shave or consider going andro at all.  I'd go as me. And if all other men were wearing suits and ties, so would I.

That said, I did go to my BIL's wedding in black jeans, a sweater, and nice work boots (the sweater was feminine; I was not out at that time) when every one else F was in a dress and heels.  It was a night wedding in the middle of an ice storm. I was being practical!  (and avoiding a dress like the plague!!)

My sister shaved her head (severe buzz cut) right before my father's wedding and she was bride's maid.

I think most weddings have some sort of drama attached, no matter what.

Do what is right for you, even if it means staying home.


Jay

[Nathan.]

You know your family best but i'd wear a suit but then I have a family who really wouldn't care if a 'girl' wore a mans suit.

[Miniar]

If attending the wedding came with a requirement to cross-dress, I would respectfully decline to attend.
I'd simply state; "I'm sorry, I can't do that." and leave it at that.

To be honest, I don't see the point of inviting extended family you don't know at all to a wedding anyways.. other than "more presents".

[DamienR]

Thanks to everyone who gave their opinion, especially Turtle... thank you.
I went shopping last night and bought a nice pair of black pants, a short sleeved button up shirt and a tie.  It's a summer wedding so I don't need to wear a jacket. When I was in the dressing room looking at myself in the outfit I had a wave of euphoria. I looked really really good to myself.
Not over the top, just me. 
When I said I was estranged from them for the most part.. We actually used to be very close when we were children. When I came out as gay later on I was excommunicated from family for all but the most important functions, and even then I mostly chose not to go because of my own discomfort.
Because of this my kids have missed out on some fun things, like dancing with their daddy at a wedding, meeting other kids in the family, etc.

My sister said to me, regarding this wedding.. "Damien, if you accepted yourself more, other people would realize that they couldn't treat you as badly as they do." And it's true. I'm not asking for special privledge or to try to make a scene.. I am coming to try to make peace and trying to have confidence about it so that I can catch up with myself.   
I'm really tired of hiding. If I know my family the wedding itself will be fine, it will be afterward when the dust has settled that the shaming will come.

I'm going, and I'm going as me.

[Turtle]

I'm going, and I'm going as me.

V cool

[Kay]

To be honest, I don't see the point of inviting extended family you don't know at all to a wedding anyways.. other than "more presents".

I'm not sure how it is in Iceland (shorter distances may explain some of this), but here in the States, aside from nuclear family (parents + siblings) and aunts/uncles/grandparents, extended family aren't often a regular part of your life unless they live in the same town as you.  (and if those live far away, you may not even know them very well.) Weddings, Funerals, and the occassional family reunion are about the only time you see these people.  I know when the invites for my wedding were going out, there was a lot of pressure from my parents to invite the entire extended family.  It's not just seen as "the happy couple's day"...it's also often seen as one of the few times extended family gets together.  (And depending on the family...leaving out great-uncle-X can often have the result of hard feelings and some vicious family feuding.)  We eventually ended up inviting a few more people than we wanted to, simply to avoid the drama that was sure to come.

= = = =
As for the OP:

Glad you're going as you Damien.  Best of luck with your family.

[M.Grimm]

Damien, your outfit sounds very tasteful. And I agree with your sister. If you dress nicely, go there and behave in a respectful manner, you'll be above reproach. It is how anyone ought to behave at this kind of function. If anyone hassles you, it's really their own bigotry in action.

[rejennyrated]

I do have to say that I am absolutely with Vexing on this one.

If someone wants to invite ME to anything, wedding, funeral or whatever then they have to invite ME and not some fantasy that they hold as to what I might have been if I had been the person that they would have liked me to be.

I am the only me on offer. There simply never was and never will be a plan B.

I may, as a mark of respect, tone down my style or perhaps, as I have done with my muslim friends, adopt the style of dress appropriate for a woman in their culture, but I never have, and never will, deny my female core identity. End of! 

And that is said by someone who voluntarily dresses quite andro or even masculine at times - the difference is when I do so I do it by MY choice, and not because someone else is using an invite to try to FORCE me to conform against me will.

Ps - I once went to a cousin's wedding where one of the guests, an old girlfriend of my father's, very pointedly refered to me as "IT" all day - that was fun! Didn't stop me from going as me though.

[Jamie-o]

I think a lot of it depends upon whether you are out to your extended family or not.  If you are at the point in which you have told them, I am now known as "X" and wish to be treated as (male/female), then by all means, if they invite you, they should expect you to show up as "X".  However, somebody else's wedding is not the place to come out to extended family, especially without consulting the bride and groom.

[DamienR]

have any of you guys ever been bashed? I almost was last night. hanging out with a friend at her party, never met her husband. He invited me out back to look at his car and bitch about his wife and he was super drunk. Long story short when he figured me out he freaked and I had to get the hell out of there fast.  How long will it take for me to be comfortable in this situation?  He pushed me and I didn't fight back, I ran.
Has anything like this ever happened to you guys?

[elvistears]

Damien, that sucks, I'm sorry that happened to you bro.  Hope the wedding goes ok though!

Vexing: That's disgusting.  You're in Wellington then? Remind me not to go to San Fran bathhouse.  I'm in Auckland.

And I can't believe some of the crap in this thread. Comparing it to someone telling a gay man not to bring his partner, as if that's ok? Totally not. I know weddings are YOUR DAY or whatever, but it's no excuse to tell someone not to be themselves.  If they choose to draw attention to it and make a drama, that's their problem. Sorry not being very succinct right now uhhhghghg

[tekla]

An invite is not a mandate.  You're always free to not go.  I guess I'm lucky, as most weddings are on Saturday, and that's the most common day for me to work, so hundereds of dollars or a wedding, I always take the one that comes with me getting a check, not the one that requires a gift.

[DamienR]

Damien, that sucks, I'm sorry that happened to you bro.  Hope the wedding goes ok though!

Last night made me lose confidence in going to the wedding but I think I'm still gonna rock it.  And about the fight thing.. I think I just need to work out more and build my confidence so I can take on dicks like that.

[Nimetön]

Don't go.  It's not your day, it's the brides.  If you want a day like that, be a girl, find a guy, have your own wedding.  Really, didn't anyone learn basic manners?

While I wouldn't have used this particular turn of phrase, Telka's point is valid.  This is not an opportunity for you to revel in a personal odyssey; this is a woman on her wedding day, and she has invited someone to the wedding who does not exist.  You may either deceive her by masquerading as the invited guest (a fictional female relative of hers) or you may take advantage of her error to turn her wedding day into a spectacle for your own purposes.

You are not the invited party; you have no business at the wedding.  Within the bounds of civility and seemly respect, you may either speak to her directly and explain the situation, offering the opportunity to issue an invitation to you, or you may respectfully refuse the invitation.

- N

[Jamie-o]

have any of you guys ever been bashed? I almost was last night. hanging out with a friend at her party, never met her husband. He invited me out back to look at his car and bitch about his wife and he was super drunk. Long story short when he figured me out he freaked and I had to get the hell out of there fast.  How long will it take for me to be comfortable in this situation?  He pushed me and I didn't fight back, I ran.
Has anything like this ever happened to you guys?

That sucks.  I'm glad you got out unscathed. 

[DamienR]

While I wouldn't have used this particular turn of phrase, Telka's point is valid.  This is not an opportunity for you to revel in a personal odyssey; this is a woman on her wedding day, and she has invited someone to the wedding who does not exist.  You may either deceive her by masquerading as the invited guest (a fictional female relative of hers) or you may take advantage of her error to turn her wedding day into a spectacle for your own purposes.

You are not the invited party; you have no business at the wedding.  Within the bounds of civility and seemly respect, you may either speak to her directly and explain the situation, offering the opportunity to issue an invitation to you, or you may respectfully refuse the invitation.

- N

What the heck are you talking about? I was invited, and I am me, whether I am wearing female clothing or male clothing. My soul is the same.  And I am part of the family. I already explained what I was wearing, which is in no way offensive.  If I was a butch lesbian I might wear the same thing. Anyways, I'm me no matter what, and I doubt that in a crowd of 200 guests I am going to be too under the microscope.

[BunnyBee]

I am with others in believing it should be up to the bride's opinion and, btw, if she has a bigoted opinion I don't think you should go anyway.  If she knew about your sitch before inviting you, I think that means it's fine to go as yourself.  If not, I would ask her for her thoughts before going.

I would not go dressed as a woman when you're a man though, unless you and the bride/groom are very close and it's super important to be there for you.

Definitely a gray enough area that whatever you decide is right .

[Jasmine.m]

I doubt that in a crowd of 200 guests I am going to be too under the microscope.

lol! If only this were true!! How many weddings have I been to feeling that exact same way only to walk away knowing that this not the way that it is!! The thing is, this is probably the most important day of your cousins life. She'll get all the gossip, talk to every person (for a long time, well after the wedding), get all the details and probably will pay more attention to this day then any other she's ever had. Trust me, you will be noticed and scrutinized.

Btw, I think you're outfit is totally appropriate.