Wedding - Help!

[DamienR]

I have a large Catholic family that I have been sort of estranged from for the past few years. My cousin is getting married this weekend and I have been under a lot of pressure from my parents to go. Part of me wants to go because I think it would be nice to my kids.

My sister told me I should dress like a girl because "the wedding's not about me". I cannot do that. I want to wear a nice suit and be myself.  My family is on the verge of disowning me anyway, so maybe I should just go with it? The other option is to dress down a bit with something a bit more andro.  I'm tortured over this because I don't want to ruin my cousin's wedding.

[Jasmine.m]

Edit: I don't mean to jump into your area, boys... I just dealt with this issue myself, so I thought I'd let you know my thoughts.

That's a really tough call.... On the one hand, you shouldn't have to present as something you're not. On the other hand, you *definitely* don't want to cause any drama at someone else's wedding. I guess the compromise to yourself is probably to go completely andro. Good luck... It is a hard situation.

[GamerJames]

If it were me, I'd go in men's clothing or not at all. For you though, you probably need to decide which option you'd regret the most, which you'd be the most okay with.

1) Go in drag (girl's clothes)
2) Go andro
3) Go as yourself (men's clothes)
4) Don't go

When you read that list, really listen to how your inner voice responds to each option. Which option does it scream "hell no!" and which option is your conscience quietly (or maybe not so quietly) trying to "convince" you to pick?

Mentally walk through how you'd feel about the result of choosing option 1, right through to any follow up and lasting effects. Do the same for option 2, 3, 4. Compare how you'd feel a month later, with each of the choices having hypothetically been made.

For you, not going may be the worst option that would make you feel the most uncomfortable. Going in drag may be the worst. Going as yourself and having to face your family's responses may be unbearable. Consider each honestly and patiently, and soon you should be able to figure out which option is really the best for you.

Hope you find a satisfactory option, good luck.

[DamienR]

Seriously look at my photo. Can you see me in a dress? That would be pretty unconvincing drag.  I could try to look andro but that would mean being conscious of and altering everything about myself... I don't think I can do that and make it look real anyway.
Meh.
I have a newish suit. I'm going to go have a good time as the man that I am.

[Bones]

If it were me. I would go in a suit. Or at least nice slacks, button up shirt and a tie. If THEY start drama then it's your turn to say 'It's not about me..it's about the bride and groom...why don't you focus on them instead of the choice I made in what I'm wearing. What I'm wearing isn't going to make it where they can't get married anymore, let it go and enjoy the damn wedding, hypocrite' But then...I'm a real blunt guy..

[Sarah Louise]

Its your cousin's wedding, ask her.

[DamienR]

i barely know her.. and she's super religious. She would say no. I don't think I could ask that without making it an even bigger deal.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

No. If they want to disown you, let them disown you. If they're gonna freak over you being trans, imo, they're not understanding enough to really call family. Wear a suit. Sure, it's your cousin's wedding. But you gotta do what makes you comfortable.

[GamerJames]

I have a newish suit. I'm going to go have a good time as the man that I am.

Sounds like a good choice, good on ya for not wanting to change who you are for someone else's comfort.

[Devin87]

I went to a wedding last week, and I compromised.  I wore a very andro shirt and pants.  I felt (mostly) comfortable and it made everyone happy so the focus was on the bride and groom and not on me.  Would I rather have been in a suit and tie like all the other guys?  Of course.  But sometimes we just have to compromise until we're full time passing as male when wearing a dress would take all the attention off the happy couple.

[clhere]

Why even think about going to an event when the people there wont even acknowledge that you exist regardless of what you decide to wear?

If it was me then I would not go, I would not include anyone in my life that don't see me as me 

If I was in a situation where  I "had" to go then I would go as me and "f%ck im" what they say! 

"I don't want to ruin my cousin's wedding"

No, only your cousin/family can do that, they are the ones with the problem and not you.

[Ayaname]

My sister told me I should dress like a girl because "the wedding's not about me".

If your family are the types who would make a spectacle of you for dressing like a guy then I can see where that might detract from the overall atmosphere of the wedding. However if they aren't, then the wedding not being "about you" is a perfect reason why NOT to be the only person at the wedding who's forced to wear clothes that make you feel humiliated.

[Devin87]

Well if he's not out to his family, him showing up in a suit will most definitely cause a disruption.  Does he want his cousin's wedding to be remembered as the his cousin's wedding or as the day everyone found out Damien was transgendered?

[Jamie-o]

I'm with Devin on this one.  If it were me I would go in nice slacks, a button-up shirt that doesn't scream either male or female (silk is a great choice) and no tie.  But then, only you know your family and how much of a fuss it will make among them.

[tekla]

Don't go.  It's not your day, it's the brides.  If you want a day like that, be a girl, find a guy, have your own wedding.  Really, didn't anyone learn basic manners?

[blackMamba]

I agree with those guys.  Dress pants, button down shirt, loafers, and I'd skip the necktie.  You would look hot.  I bet you won't be the only guy wearing this type of outfit, lots don't wear suits to weddings. 

I don't think you could pull off a dress either, it would make you look like someone who is really uncomfortable wearing a dress just to appease others.  In other words, out of place.  Too many other options out there.

A low waist-ed pair of slacks is common for women, so this choice may be androgynous whether its intentional or not.  I don't particularly like the trend, but it's the trend nonetheless.

[DamienR]

Don't go.  It's not your day, it's the brides.  If you want a day like that, be a girl, find a guy, have your own wedding.  Really, didn't anyone learn basic manners?

WTF?? I don't get what you're trying to say at all.

[Lachlann]

WTF?? I don't get what you're trying to say at all.

Basically, it's not your wedding(I don't mean that in a jerkish way.) It's taboo to out dress the bride, right? It'd probably be just as taboo dress as you are around someone who probably doesn't accept you the way you are. Andro dressing could work, but the least conflicting way to go about it would be to not go at all.

If you choose to dress in a suit and they react badly, it's on you. I'm not sure it'd be wise to rock the boat in this situation. That doesn't mean you should wear a dress, but one has to pick and choose their fights.

[miniangel]

@Vexing - It's not cis-privilege at all. It's the same as if a gay man isn't encouraged to bring his partner (as is happening to a friend of mine) or a guest wants to turn up at a formal wedding wearing spiked multi-coloured hair, a ripped black dress held together with safety-pins and fencing wire, and shoes that play a tune when moved.

Wedding guests are just that - guests - and guests should have a certain respect for the people who invite them somewhere.

@DamienR, having said that, I think the smart casual menswear option sounds reasonable if you are comfortable with it. If all the options make you uncomfortable, best to stay at home IMHO.

[Turtle]

Minniemouse, Damien isn't suggesting he turn up for the wedding in some sort of bizarre fancy dress, just an outfit which he feels appropriate to his gender identity.