Fathers Day for a Transgendered Parent

[Dana_W]

I wrote a little Fathers Day essay on my blog. It might be of interest to some of the folks here as well. Here's the link: http://saladbingo.wordpress.com/2010/06/20/fathers-day-for-a-transgendered-parent/

I wrote it because this is my first Fathers Day where I have officially relinquished the title "Father." Oh, I'm still a parent. And I still live with my spouse and kids. And we're still a very loving and close family.

But I'm not the father any more. I'm also not the mother. It puts me into a strange place, which we're trying to navigate together.

This morning my youngest (she's 6) drew me a Fathers Day card, using her favorite color (purple) and filled with stars and hearts and a little bunny rabbit. Then her older brother (he's 10) corrected her, telling her she's not supposed to do that any more. That made her a little upset, so the spouse had to intervene to tell her it was okay to give it to me. When she did I told her it made me very happy, and that I'll always be her daddy, even if we don't call me that any more. That seemed to make her feel better, but it kind of felt like a white lie.

Any other trans parents out there want to weigh in on how you think about this stuff?

[Zelane]

Well, you are and always well be their father. No point arguing that. But I remember talking with a woman who was in a similar situation like you and she told me their kids invented a new word to call her.

They were calling her maddy (as in mixing mom and dad but not taking the mom title from their birth mom) And it worked for them.

Maybe you can do something similar with your family?

[Bones]

We should come up with a new holiday and a new name for trans parents! *Nods sagely*

[Bam]

The only thing i had told my kids was that i was not to be called Mom that they had a great one and didn't need another then I gave my kids a choice when i i started to transition as to whether they wanted to call me Dad or Deanna or what the Grandkids call me Granny,most of the time they say Dad(most people around our area know i am TG) or Granny.When they introduce my wife and i(we are still together) they just say this is my Parents and use our names.They still send me Fathers Day cards and call me on Fathers day(these are choices they have made themselves).So if your Kids want to give you a Fathers day card that's Ok!!!

[Between Names]

We should come up with a new holiday and a new name for trans parents! *Nods sagely*

Why don't we have a holiday just to celebrate parents?  Some people don't have moms, some people don't have dads, some people have trans parents, (heck, some people don't even have parents) so why do we have two separate days that often leave people out?  We should have parents' day, so we can celebrate the people who raised us--whether or not they are our bio parents or not... 

[K8]

My 36 year-old daughter called me Maddy for a while, but now she calls me Kate.  I think that if she was still a child she would have stuck with Maddy.  I always told her she could call me whatever she felt comfortable with. 

She didn't send me a Mothers Day card because neither of us thinks of me as her mother.  I am her female parent, but that doesn't make me her mother.  She did send me a better-than-Mothers-Day card, telling me she's happy I'm her parent. 

She and I both know I will always be her father, but she has begun referring to me as "the woman who used to be my father," since our language doesn't have a simple word for our relationship.

- Kate

[katgirl74]

My daughters call me Kat, avoids the confusion of people thinking a name like Maddie is my first name. While, technically, I am their father, I never identified with being the father or male parent. Recently my youngest began saying that I was her other mommy. My ex was fine with that, and on mothers day, this year, they gave me a mothers day greeting. I was in PA about to have surgery, so we didn't celebrate in person, but she has allowed me to share the day with her. It feel more right to me, and I appreciate being recognized on that day as well. Just because I provided the sperm doesn't mean I have to be called a father.

[Dana_W]

While, technically, I am their father, I never identified with being the father or male parent. ... Just because I provided the sperm doesn't mean I have to be called a father.

This sums up my feelings as well, Kat. I've become really uncomfortable with being called anyone's "father." I know that biologically it might be true. But there are other "biologically true" things about myself I'm insisting are wrong. I feel like this one needs to join the club.

For those who didn't click the link over to my blog post, I did make a reference there to TransParentDay (http://www.transparentday.org/), which is partially the idea of a friend of mine. The idea for that is to have a "parent day" for those who are transgendered. That's a good idea to me because I really don't feel like I can participate in either Mothers Day or Fathers Day. I realize it's not something everyone else would agree upon.

My kids have settled upon calling me "Nai," which is a word for "mom" in a foreign language (bonus points for anyone who can name the source language). That works for me so far. But we're all still getting used to it.

Getting the Fathers Day card today was very strange. Brought up a lot of the bad old emotions, but I couldn't let my little girl know that. It's something I need to work on before next year.

[marleen]

Hello Diana,

You're idea to use a different language word for mother is great (I had been looking in the other direction after a hint of the child-psychologost I spoke to, who suggested to look for a female sounding version of father, of which I liked pai the best - since your 'nai' sounds so similar, I would guess it's related to Portuguese or some other language spoken in Spain (just like pai))

About being called father, I guess I will always be my childrens father, but in the same way as you it feels uncomfortable because it's a related to our body we want to have corrected. We will inform our kids on the 30th this month (after last school day), so I'm curious what I will be called in the future :-)

xx, Marleen