My (draft) coming-out letter

[Hazumu]

This is my draft coning-out letter for work.  It's designed for me to hand to someone and let them read, and when they're done I can answer any questions they may have, we can talk, etc.  The parts in colored text are highlighed in the original to mean 'Important!  Read Me!"

I tried to do some other things with it, but at this point, I look forward to seeing your comments.  I'll be using it on the 11 people in my work section as well as 1 to 5 others next week.

And if you can contribute to the support suggestions, please do (note to mods, that may become a separate topic.  I'm open to suggestions  )

Karen

============
Greetings;

I'm writing this letter to make sure I 'say' all the things I feel are necessary.  I'm giving you this letter because there are aspects of me that I want you to know at this time, and I think you are ready to know them.

WHAT THIS IS ABOUT:

For the past year, I've been seeing a therapist who specializes in gender issues, and I have been diagnosed with GID, Gender Identity Dysphoria. 

In plain language, I am transgendered / transsexual.

There is no medically/psychiatrically recognised effective cure for this condition – the 'cure' rate is less than 1%.  However, there is a 98% effective treatment.  It's called 'transition.'  As much as possible for one born with a male body and having been (wrongly) socialized as a 'man', and starting out in mid-life, I'm becoming female.

WHAT I ASK FROM YOU:

I ask you to do three things for me.

1.  Become/be a part of the support network I/we are building.  Feel free to talk to me about this subject and ask me questions about it.  Accept me as I am.  Please take a look at the list of suggestions at the end of this letter for other things you can do in support of my transition here.

2,  If anybody asks you 'what is going on' with me, or if you hear others discussing this aspect of me, please do not "out" me.  Instead, direct them to me and tell them that I welcome them to come ask me directly about this.  The reason I want this is that I want the opportunity to establish a relation of mutual respect in this matter.  I will be honest with anybody who asks me what I am doing, and will explain why I am doing it (and give them a copy of this letter!).  What I want to try to reduce is abusive talk about me behind my back.

3.  If you hear anybody talking abusively about me, showing hate and intolerance towards my condition through their talk or actions, for my own safety I NEED to have these folks identified to me.  I will not 'report' them, but if I'm in a situation where I'm in contact with them (especially if that contact is alone or with individuals who share their intolerant bigotry,) I need to know of this so I can act appropriately...

BTW, Humor with/about me is okay as long as it's accepting of me.  And I might just know the best 'Trans" jokes...

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?

Over the next several months, I will become more female-appearing.  This is part of the hormone reassignment, and facial electrolysis I'm undergoing (I have to grow out 4-days' worth for the electrologist, though.  That's why I look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo around Friday...) 

The goal is that at the end of this phase (lasting 1½ to 3 years,) I will have become substantially psychologically and by appearance, female.  At this point, my psychological/medical team can authorize 'the surgery'.  After that, I will be allowed to make the last change to my legal identity – my gender.  Whether 'society' agrees with this is another matter...

WHAT TO CALL ME:

This is a tough one, as the bi-polar gender system is deeply entrenched in our society.  One of the fundamental principles to this gender dogma is 'born male, die male.'  I would prefer to be addressed and referred to using female pronouns, but I realize the difficulty and unreasonableness of that right now.  So until I start changing my legal identification, he, him, his, etc., are acceptable.

WHERE WILL I "GO"?

When nature calls, I only want to answer the summons.  I don't want to politicize the event, I don't want to 'make a statement.'  I only want to do my business and wash my hands with dignity.  Therefore, I'll use whatever facilities make the fewest number of people uncomfortable, as long as the designated facility does not create undue hardship for me.

WHAT IS GID?: ("TOO MUCH INFORMATION")

What is transsexualism not?  It's not homosexuality.  That's a separate issue, sexual orientation.  Transsexualism is about gender identification.

How does it come about?  Scientists and researchers who are NOT defending an ideology/dogma but are searching for what really IS, believe that it happens in the womb.  The body of the developing baby is sexually differentiated at the end of the first trimester – the undifferentiated tissue resolves into either male or female genitalia.

The brain is yet undifferentiated as to gender, and that doesn't begin to happen until near the end of the second trimester when, under the influence of hormones, it begins getting 'wired' for either a male or female role.  This differentiation period lasts until a month after birth.

First, homosexuality is when the persons' preferred intimate partner is of the same sex/gender as they are.  But homosexuals fully self-identify as the gender that matches their bodies, and have no desire to change genders.  In fact, a 'sex change' for a male homosexual would be tantamount to a death sentence.

Transgender is when there is a mismatch between body sex and brain gender.  How does this happen?  Stress on the mother while she is pregnant can alter the hormonal balance in the womb  In my case, my mother revealed to me that while pregnant with me, she had been taking the synthetic estrogen Diethylstilbestrol (DES)  There are now studies that are finding a link (unverified) that DES use during pregnancy can precipitate transgendered individuals. 

My therapist believes that I have an essentially female brain.

There are documented historical cases of transgendered people, and there are many cultures that recognize either a third gender or that sometimes people can have a body of one sex yet be the opposite gender.

Up to 3% of the population has this condition, though 9 out of 10 who have it are either not aware of it or are afraid to do anything about it.  1 in 500 people accept this aspect of themselves and begin transition in some form, and there are now an estimated 1 in 2500 'post-operation' transsexual male-to-females in the U.S. 

The number of  completed female-to-males is even higher because once testosterone therapy is started, they quickly masculinize, develop a male voice, and start growing a beard – and are consequently rarely recognized as having been born with a female body.  In the transgender community lingo, these 'trans-men' 'pass' completely (and I'm so-o-o envious...).

WRAP-UP:

So, why not just live my life out in a role that matches my body, even if my brain is wired for female?  Answer – because it was becoming increasingly difficult and painful.  I found a measure of inner peace the moment I accepted that this is who I am, and that feeling of peace grows daily as I cast off the artificial 'Xxxxxx' persona I constructed to protect myself, to fit in, to be accepted, to be 'liked'...

I have a lot of work ahead, learning a whole new gender-appropriate presentation, learning to behave and present in a manner which allows me to more easily 'pass' in society.  but I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Will you please be there for me?

Xxxxxx ("??") Savage

ADDITIONAL SUGGESTIONS:

-Let me know of any others who are accepting of me and my situation and are ready to know my truth, so I can extend them an invitation.

-Support diversity, and encourage others to do so. (I think this is a good idea anyway J )

-If you hear anyone 'smack-talking' or bad-mouthing me because of my GID, set them straight (if it is safe for you to do so.)  Not answering such a challenge is silence, and silence means you agree with them.  Also, "SILENCE=DEATH"

-(more to be added as I think of them J )

[DawnL]

Karen, it would be helpful to know what your work environment is, the type of work, and the education levels
of the people you work with.  To be honest, it sounds a bit sterile and impersonal--perhaps that works for the
situation you're in.  Technically the details are all there but it sounds like a manual, more in the tone that
management might use.

"What I want to try to reduce is abusive talk about me behind my back."

I didn't care for this line.  That's what you want but you have no control over that aspect of the coming
out process.  Adding this probably won't help much.

"3.  If you hear anybody talking abusively about me, showing hate and intolerance towards my condition through their talk or actions, for my own safety I NEED to have these folks identified to me.  I will not 'report' them, but if I'm in a situation where I'm in contact with them (especially if that contact is alone or with individuals who share their intolerant bigotry,) I need to know of this so I can act appropriately..."

I found this problematic as if you are asking people to police the situation.  I think that's beyond
the scope of a coming out letter.

The "What is GID?" part is good.  Please feel free to disregard any or all of this.  You did ask and I hope
honesty is what you're looking for.

Dawn

[Hazumu]

Dawn, thank you for the food for thought.  This is why I posted this.  I can't think of everything, and creation doesn't happen in a vacuous mind... 

I work on a military base.  I'm the third trans-girl (that I know of,) so there is precedence.  I work in a 'flight' with four graphics artists (including me), 6 Computer Software Administrators, and one section supervisor.  I'm already out to my boss and section supervisor, and one CSA who had the huevos to ask.  The 145+ person 'division' I work in is a grab-bag of services, from supply and auto repair, to high-level technical work.  The base is roughly 5000 people -- again from all socioeconomic backgrounds.  In addition to the previously mentioned 3 in my shop, I'm out to the division chief and his 2nd-in-command.  They have informed the commander in the building I work in (in case there are potty issues <sigh>,) and they have informed all the other flight chiefs that what I do is my business as long as I perform my duties as assigned, and if anybody wants to know, they are to be instructed to ask me directly, and that I will answer their questions.

That's the current state of affairs.

I will hand this letter to the person I am coming out to, and then will and sit right there while they read it. After they read it I will invite them to discuss it with me, and I will answer any questions they have.  There will be a personal aspect you point out the letter is lacking.  It was written with the above procedure in mind.

I'll invite any and all questions, either now or later.  I intend to ask them to, as a sign of respect, be honest with me about how they personally feel, and I will, out of respect for them, accept their position, even if it's 'You're a sick freak."

I do want to engage people in a larger sense in policing intolerance in all its forms, and I'm using myself and my situation as an example.  I know I can't win 'em all.  But if I encourage even a few people to stand up for the basic dignity of others (including intolerance towards race, national origin, sex, orientation, etc,) I've accomplished something.  And those who continue enable the negative behaviour by remaining silent may become aware that that's what they're doing.  I have to weigh the negative aspect of instilling a 'guilt trip' with my desire to foster and nurture tolerance.

Now, my honest question -- in that light, are your points still problematic?  And do you see any new problems?

I appreciate your contribution, Dawn  Thank you!

Karen

[DawnL]

Given your work environment and your plan, the letter makes much more sense.  Sounds like you've
thought this through pretty well and are going in well prepared.  I still think this line is redundant:

"What I want to try to reduce is abusive talk about me behind my back."

Perhaps if you replace "abusive" with "uninformed", this might better convey the meaning you want.

Good luck.  This step in my transition was one of the hardest.  I felt personally violated by having
to make a public disclosure like this.  People probably will talk badly about you behind your back.  I
hope I'm wrong and I hope you're ready.

Dawn

[beth]

Hello Karen,


              It is uncanny but the exact lines that bothered Dawn bother me also. They kind of set up the "me vs them" before it has happened.

What I want to try to reduce is abusive talk about me behind my back."

If you hear anybody talking abusively about me, showing hate and intolerance towards my condition through their talk or actions, for my own safety I NEED to have these folks identified to me.  I will not 'report' them, but if I'm in a situation where I'm in contact with them (especially if that contact is alone or with individuals who share their intolerant bigotry,) I need to know of this so I can act appropriately..."

                   In general it is good, I also agree it would be better if there were a mention of your feelings to humanize it and make it less sterile. I know that is hard as it leaves yourself feeling a little vulnerable. I hope all works out well for you.

beth

[Steph]

I generally agree with the comments given by both Beth and Dawn, and I would go one step further and delete the "Three" things that you want people to do for you, and instead replace it with three things that you hope will happen as a result of your coming out.

On the other hand although I'm not that clued into your specific work environment, other that it's military, and I'm not a big fan of this coming out in stages.  To be honest Karen given human nature the way it is, talk and gossip is going to happen and your secret is going to come out, and you're not going to be able to do anything to stop it.  If you have the support of management, the boss, or however your chain of command works then just simply "come out".  Personally I think you are making this way too complicated.  I just don't see this "Giving the person the letter" routine as working.  How will it work???  will you decide that "Bill seems like he's ready, so I'll give him the letter", wait and watch his reaction as he reads it or leave him alone to read it on his own and hope that he takes it seriously, you are putting way to much pressure on the individual.

Personally I think that you need to seek and get the support of management first and then let them (with you) decide on a strategy and when it is best to come out and how it is best to come out to the workforce and deal with workforce issues.  You can't piecemeal this.  Now I'm speaking from my own personal experience here and I myself used a letter, and the way I did it was to arrange a meeting with senior management and HR "Tell" them my situation, give them the letter that summarized what we discussed, then sorted out the coming out process to everyone, whether they are ready or not, as if it is sanctioned and supported by management/policy etc. then you're on your way.

I was fortunate I guess in that at the conclusion of our meeting management set up sensitivity training for all employees about my situation/condition, and afterwards had a huge meeting where they made the big announcement that the person they knew and worked with as St...... Ph....... Cr....... would no longer exist after Aug 8th, 2005 and that I would be working as Stephanie.  They also laid out the rules of conduct expected and informed everyone about the issues of bathrooms, change rooms, and stuff like that.  They ended the meeting with a short descriptive statement along the lines "Stephanie has every right to work in an environment the is free from harassment, and hostility, and contravention of policies with regard to this will not be tolerated.... blah, blah, blah).

I wish you luck doing it your way Karen but I truly feel there is a better way to do it.

Steph

[tinkerbell]

  I'm already out to my boss and section supervisor, and one CSA who had the huevos to ask. 
Karen

lately it is becoming almost impossible to find people with those...


tinkerbell

[Julie Marie]

Karen, it seems the tone of your letter is somewhat cold and demanding.  And if you handed that letter to me and said you wanted me to read it right then and there I'd probably give it back to you and walk away, especially if I don't know you well. 

The use of "I" happens too often in the letter.  "I want", "I ask" etc, tend to turn people off as it comes across as selfish.  With all you're asking, what am I getting out of it?  It seems like you want me to do all this for you so your life will be easier but what's in it for me?  I want things too but I'd never be so bold as to put it in writing and then expect you to follow it.

Do you see where I'm going with this?  If you request something gently, then let them know how much you'd appreciate their cooperation, you may get a better reaction.  But the letter as it is may turn more people off than get people to help you.

You make a lot of great points and seem to have covered most of the concerns common with transitioning in the workplace, but you have to tone it down a bit so it comes across as less demanding.

If I said anything offensive, I apologize.  That was not my intention.  I am trying to help from my perspective which is about all anyone can do.

Julie

[Ricki]

Well this is marvelous as a rule your letter is cool!
First off i agree with your sisters on the post eliminate all the hate talk, negativity (ya well grrr... coming from me that should be a lift! lol) and stuff, honestly i think that writing it has no influence on what people will do anyway, i guess in your letter you want people to see what you are or are becoming and why, right?
stick to that i think Steph basically said this?
AnywayI will ask this question just to make myself think and everyone think?
WHY.............?
I mean why do you feel you need to write a letter to your "peers" or co-workers?
I ask out of my own curiosity i thought sitting here and thoguht if i was doing this at work would i do this?  I do not know honestly, (not coming out)I mean write a letter, as opposed to explaining it in person to the people who actually had the balls, or care, or concern, or curiosity to ask you?  For the back stabbin no good sonsa.. you get the picture forget'em!  I have that now and i'm just a manager uggghhhhh...........
rumors andpeople talking seem to be the order of the day in businesses and elsewhere1  I hate the gossipping and bs... and i wonder sometimes am i off in my own thinking for wanting to be a loner outside of work and be in my own solitude?  I do not know but for me it has not damaged my emotional health i think???
anyway i would like to see what you think and if you redraft some1  I truly like and appreciate what you are doing and would support you anyway i could as the others do want to as well, last thing we would want is for you to be hurt or traumatized more than necessary?
Hmmm the bathroom thing, i liked that an area never really thoguht of, but you left it open ended like it was up to them and not you if you are transitioning to the girl you are then use the girls room....Else you'll be a girl using the mens room which is what most of us have been doing all our lives?
Oh Gawd there's a wonderful statement to end my posting with?
Luv
Ricki

[Laurry]

Hi Karen!

This must be an exciting (and scary) time for you.  Having read your letter and everyone's comments, my thoughts are as follows:

- While the letter covers all the pertinent information, I agree that it sounds a little cold.  Maybe you were trying for a "professional" approach, but it seems to me that transitioning is nothing if not "personal".  My suggestion would be to add some of your personality to the letter.

- I also think the way Steph's coming out was handled would be the way I would choose.  Having the letter available (and maybe posted on the bulletin board?) would add additional information that would not be covered in the meeting.  It seems to me that coming out at work is tough enough and to make it clear to everyone at once what is happening and that Management has given their support (and will not tolerate improper behavior) would let the whole thing become a "non-event" much sooner.

I was going to make some suggestions about the letter, but thought that if the big bosses announced this at a general meeting, a great deal of my suggested changes wouldn't apply.  If Management will do this, I would recommend that approach.  If everyone knows at once, it eliminates the questions that get the gossip going.

Only you know your work environment and how best to handle it, but I would think your goal would be to get this over as quickly as possible and get back to work.  A general announcement solves that problem, and lets you get on with our life.

Best of luck to you...you'll be in all our thoughts.

........Laurie 

[cindianna_jones]

Karen,

I'd go for a rewrite.  Here are the problems that I see with it:

1) it's too long
2) It comes across as an "here's what I expect you do do" tone.
3) I'd get management involved.
4) There are sayings that we understsand... but your normal straight person may not know.

Now, in starting out, don't think about yourself.. think about your colleagues.  Itemize the things that you want to do with this letter.  In the current incarnation, it appears that you are announcing your intentions and are willing to help explain what is going on to anyone if they will only ask.   I would ask your manager to have a meeting where an announcement is made to your peers and what the "company's" expectation is concerning their behaviour.  I suggest that you not be there.  This way, employees can ask questions without offending anyone as they grapple with the "new" idea.  Let your manager pass out your letter or read it. Let the manager tell the employees to come to you if they have questions. You will also cover it in your letter/memo, but if the manager tells them to do it, they may actually feel more comfortable in coming to you.

For the letter, I'd keep it short and sweet.  I'd go with something like the following with no embellishments:

-------------------------------------------------------

Dear Colleagues:

I have been diagnosed with transsexualism and am receiving proper medical treatment.  Under the guidance of my physicians, I will live as a woman full time for one year prior to receiving any surgical procedures.  I am working with management and human resources to make sure that this will have minimal impact on our group and that all legal rammifications are resolved.

I appreciate in advance your help and consideration.  Please know that I am freely available to answer any question regarding my change.

I look forward to working with all of you.

Regards,
YoMamma

--------------------------------------------------------

This makes the announcement, it is perfectly clear that what you are doing is medically necessary, LEGAL, and that you are perfectly willing to work with everyone.  It is short and easily read with a glance.

And if you copy me, you'd better spell check it!

Cindi

[Refugee]

In most cases that I'm familiar with, the HR head of a given company will write a "cover letter" or these days via e-mail, explaining the situation and reiterating the company policy on discrimination, settling the bathroom "issue", etc.  Attached to that is usually a short letter from the employee usually just a paragraph or two and mostly about their first day coming to work as their "new" gender.

Mostly its a very short and to the point affair, usually with a departmental/company wide Q&A scheduled prior to the "first day".

[LostInTime]

Unfortunately some of us work in places that do not do this.  The agency with which I am employed would not issue a statement of support.  Instead I was to include the phrase "management has been notified of the change".  It was also up to me to make the announcement on the bathroom issue in the same coming out letter.  All of these had to be typed up because they did not want to send any emails because email is too easily abused.

The total length of my letter was almost a full page.