What the hell do I do?

[MRH]

I was on the phone to my boyfriend yesterday when he told me he had spent the previous evening crying his eyes out to his father. All the pressure from my gender issues have built up so much its caused him to break down. I felt so guilty and I dont want his mental health to slip back into how it used to be. I ended up crying too because it seemed like he was trying to find other reasons why I felt this way and wasnt listening when I said that I know I want to change gender and its nothing else. He seemed to deny it because I know deep down he is praying that my mind will change. He came to the conclusion that he couldnt be with me as a male. He will always love me but he just cant bring himself to be with me as a man. He would miss the old me too much. Right now im not sure if we are still together. He referred to me as his friend that he kisses. To be honest we have always been more like best mates than girlfriend and boyfriend so maybe I could handle splitting up if I got to see him a lot still but if he was to find someone else I would be heart broken. I wouldnt get to see him as much and I would eventually be cut from his life. This is making me contemplate suicide even more. Im scared and I dont know what to do. If I stay a female I will always be miserable in myself but I'll have my perfect ideal boyfriend but if I become male I will be happier, much more like myself but will have lost a huge part of my life and I know I wouldnt want anyone ever after him. I know no one can give me a proper answer or fix this but I need to talk to someone about this. I cant function anymore.

[spacial]

In other words, he wants you his way, not yours. He's attempting to reconstruct you and will never be satisfied.

Sadly, this is a problem girls have had with young boys.

Quite frankly, if he was to use his head a little he would realise:

1) you are and will always be the same person, except happier.

2) You will both continue to enjoy the same physical relationship as you have always done. (Based upon what you've previously said).

3) What others think isn't important. If he is bothered by that then he isn't ready for a girlfriend and certainly doesn't deserve you.

[MRH]

But he isnt like that. He is so understanding and supportive and wishes me to be happy but he is scared and I can understand that. I must admit if he wanted to be a woman I would stay with him but a lot would change and I dont know if I could handle that change. He is not a bad person. Not at all. He is the most giving, honest human being I could ever ask for. Thats why im so scared to lose him.

[Jasmine.m]

Maybe it would be best to let things settle for a day or two, and then see where his feelings are. I (and you should) know that Transition can be very overwhelming for others... They can't be expected to be 100% supportive 100% of the time. I don't think non-transitioning couples can even expect that from their partners. You live it 24/7, and I'm sure even you have your good and bad days about it. If you truly love each other, this argument will pass...

[Jenna Lynne]

I would go with jasmine on this one. Emotions are like the weather -- your friend may feel differently in a day or two. It's also possible, from what you said, that your friend was getting some not-too-helpful input from his father, which was tearing him up.

The reality is, some friendships are lost during a gender transition, and some of them are deeply meaningful. The loss will need to be mourned. But we can't change anyone else's feelings. All we can do is say, "I care about you, and I hope we'll always be friends."

Hugs!

*** Jenna ***

(Blogging about gender at jennawillow.wordpress.com)

[RebeccaFog]

Hi,

   This is just a thought. Are you seeing a gender therapist? If so, maybe you can bring your boyfriend along to a couple of sessions. It is perfectly natural for people to outgrow relationships but it's also nice to make every effort possible to avoid losing someone.

   You will not be able to stop yourself from transitioning. You may put it off for a time, but you will pretty much always come back to that need. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to feel overly guilty about making the choice to transition.

   If you were able to bring your friend out of a depression, then it is possible he can bring himself out of one, or that he may meet someone who will help him if you are not there.

  Whatever you do, don't hurt yourself. It is great that you care a lot for your boyfriend, but your caring will mean little if you entirely ignore your own needs and wind up another statistic.

  You can come to this site anytime for support. Your boyfriend must have a decent father or he wouldn't be able to talk to the man. That is a sign that the young man also has a support system. Always look for the positive and you can come through this while possibly helping your friend to find his way too.

   Relationship grief is terrible. It's much like mourning. Just remember that, unlike mourning, the other person is still here. And that's a good thing.


Peace,

Rebis

[MRH]

I do not have a gender therapist yet. I have a support worker who is helping me with some other mental issues I have had over the last 6 years. She is hopefully trying to sort a few things out for me but I only see her every 2 weeks and things seem to be slow.
Things havent really changed over the last few days. We have been happy but whenever this topic comes up things seem to go down hill.

[Dryad]

Let's face it: Just as he has to accept you for who and what you are, you have to accept him for who and what he is. And if he simply can't be romantically involved with a man, then when you start taking hormones, he'll simply stop responding to you in a romantic way. (If he can't be with a man, romantically.) It's not really a choice, I'm afraid. It is his choice to be understanding and supportive of you, and it really shows that he cares a hell of a lot about you to not try to talk you out of it. It's not that strange that he wants to protect himself by trying to reason his way out of it, though.

The problem is: No matter how much you care about someone, and how well you connect: You can't stop instinct. And romance equals sex. (Sex is, to me, not just the physical bit. It's far more complicated than that, and some people don't even need, or want, the physical bit, while they still need the rest. Or the other way around. Complicated.)
Could you have a romantic relationship with someone you feel absolutely no romantic click with?

So yes; give him time. Time to make up his mind. And be understanding if the relationship doesn't hold. On the other hand: If it does, then celebrations are in order!

[accord03]

I kinda agree with Dryad on here. Not trying to start anything but people on here should understand abit more about the guys feelings. It's not cause he's not caring or supportive, it just he doesn't want romance with a man (Maybe his straight and not gay). Everyone is entitled to what they desire and need. When love comes, it involves romantically, mentally and emotionally. If one of those aspects are missing which is romance in this case, it cannot be worked out even if there was love around. I don't think you should stop your transition just to be with this guy. I know it hurts like a B*tch but whats the point of being someone you're not? Give him time to think and if he gets around to it then I'm happy for you but if he doesn't *my opinion*, I think you should both lose the friendship till the emotional attachments are gone because it'll just hurt more if you two were still in eachother lives.

[MRH]

I think you should both lose the friendship till the emotional attachments are gone because it'll just hurt more if you two were still in eachother lives.

I dont wanna sound like a complete loser but If he wasn't in my life I wouldnt really have any friends. He's the only person i've seen in ages. I have a few friends from back in college but I dont see them anymore. I only occasionally talk online. I hardly leave my house because i'm scared of going outside so he is the only person who is there for me. We are practically the same person. We only enjoy each others company and we love the exact same things. I know its hard to leave any relationship but we both seriously couldnt make it work with anyone else so thats why im gonna be so devasted if this all ends.

[accord03]

I dont wanna sound like a complete loser but If he wasn't in my life I wouldnt really have any friends. He's the only person i've seen in ages. I have a few friends from back in college but I dont see them anymore. I only occasionally talk online. I hardly leave my house because i'm scared of going outside so he is the only person who is there for me. We are practically the same person. We only enjoy each others company and we love the exact same things. I know its hard to leave any relationship but we both seriously couldnt make it work with anyone else so thats why im gonna be so devasted if this all ends.

I know it's hard but you go to let people go and learn to live with yourself. First of all get your life sorted out, live happy. Go out and meet people. In time you'll be confident and more fine.

[RebeccaFog]

a confident life is something that can be learned but there aren't many teachers for it.

[spacial]

I dont wanna sound like a complete loser but If he wasn't in my life I wouldnt really have any friends. He's the only person i've seen in ages. I have a few friends from back in college but I dont see them anymore. I only occasionally talk online. I hardly leave my house because i'm scared of going outside so he is the only person who is there for me. We are practically the same person. We only enjoy each others company and we love the exact same things. I know its hard to leave any relationship but we both seriously couldnt make it work with anyone else so thats why im gonna be so devasted if this all ends.

If you stand your ground then things will happen one way or the other.

If you don't, what do you think will be the result for you and your boyfriend?

As for being alone, many here will understand that. Many of us spent much of our lives alone. Things have a way of working themselves out, given time.

[accord03]

Believe it or not. Time DOES heal everything so give yourself time. It's like a routine. You do one thing or be with someone for so long, you get used to it but once you start living life without those daily tasks, you also get used to it.
Post Merge: June 26, 2010, 04:49:02 AM
Believe it or not. Time DOES heal everything so give yourself time. It's like a routine. You do one thing or be with someone for so long, you get used to it but once you start living life without those daily tasks, you also get used to it.

And remember the most important thing in life.
"People don't need relationships, they want it. Relationships are just bonus in life."

The way I see things is : I may love someone so much whether it be my girlfriend or my family but no matter how much you love that person, one day you're going to have to move on to the next life without any of them. You were born alone and you're going to die alone. Make the most of your life. Don't spend another minute sad cause you'll never get that minute EVER again.

[spacial]

After several disasterous relationships, I settled down to living for myself. That was a nice way of saying alone.

I don't make friends easily. I'm uncomfortable is social situations.

I was doing quite well for a number of years, quite content with how things were working out. Then I met my wife.

Like me, she is a transgendered wannabe. For background and and family reasons, she finds it difficult to proceed. Also, like me, she has chosen to live accoding to her feelings, as far as she can. Society puts pressures and demand on us all. And it's a lot bigger than we are.

That was almost 30 years ago.

The point I'm making is that I gave up looking for that someone. Then someone quite literally walked into me. She would say the same.

Another thing we both say is that this person is quite definately not the one we had imagined we would settle with.

We each have our journeys to make. We can try to find someone to share it with, but if that doesn't work, we just have to do it on our own. In our case, we blunderd into each other, both doing the same journey, when we weren't looking.

[accord03]

AGREED with spacial.