Coming out to Christian parents

[SnailPace]

Hey all,

I don't pass at all yet as I havn't started T and have huge bazoongas.  Also, I wear quite androgynous (or sometimes even femme looking) clothes.  I'm wondering if you think I should wait until after I start my physical transition to tell my parents?  Also, my mom and dad are very Christian, my dad will probably be really upset and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes over this but I think my mom will really want to interrogate me.  We don't live near each other so it will have to be over the phone or in a letter.  Does anybody know any biblical talking points to get my mom to wrap her head around this?  I don't follow the bible in my life but I know that having a few bible verses to support my cause would be very helpful!

(On a happier note, I was called "Sir" for the first time by a Subway employee the other day!  However, she looked up with a mortified expression afterward and said something along the lines of, "Oh my god, I'm SO sorry! I wasn't looking and I thought you were a guy but you aren't and you're actually really pretty!"  Oh well... haha)

[Shang]

I'm more-or-less in the same boat to you, except that my mom is the major Catholic in the family and my dad's agnostic, so he shouldn't be too bad.  I also live away from my parents, and it's quite a bit away.  Personally, I'm waiting until I'm fully on my own two feet and have started to dress more androgynous/look more androgynous before telling them.  If you're comfortable in yourself and you're on your own two feet, you could go ahead and tell them this.  If it's through the letter, maybe you can pick up a few articles to add to it?  To help them through that you're not changing personality wise.

I guess a nice quote would be "love thy neighbor as thyself", but I don't really know because it's been quite awhile since I read the bible.  However, I'll see if I can find you some quotes and passages.

[Nero]

Mine are both very passionate about their faith. Dad's a minister. Mom is also very devoted.
My mom was easy but I did sort of prepare the soil in a way by having her watch some films such as "A girl like me" and "Ma vie en rose". (there were no FTM films I felt comfortable showing her at the time. "Boys don't cry" was definitely out) I think it's important that they understand this is not a lifestyle choice or a sexual orientation thing.
As for my dad, I just had to be very firm that this was non-negotiable and not something I wanted "spiritual intervention with".

However, I think it depends somewhat on your age and other factors how parents take this. I was 27 when I came out and by that point, they expected I'd probably end up in prison or dead so they had nothing to lose by hoping this would help me lead a better life.
If you are young and your folks still have high hopes for you, the reception could be different.

[jmaxley]

The verse I've been using is Matthew 19:12:

For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

[sneakersjay]

I waited until I had the T script in my hand.  Then came out.

Are you still at home or out on your own? That might make a difference, too.


Jay

[SnailPace]

I've already had a child out of wedlock and I moved away from home at 16, but I'm sure they still have their hopes up Nero, haha.

Jmaxley, thanks that's a good one.  A heads up if you are arguing biblical things over this; the only passage I've been able to find calling out ->-bleeped-<- is Deuteronomy 22:5.  However it seems to have more of an issue with crossdressers than transfolk. 

Gabriel, yeah I think I'll wait until I look a bit more manly too.  (By the way, you have the same name as my son!)
Post Merge: June 22, 2010, 09:36:18 PM

Are you still at home or out on your own? That might make a difference, too.

I'm out on my own, with a family to boot.  (IE: Boyfriend and 6 month old)  Do you think that living on my own will make them more or less accepting?

[sneakersjay]

I think once you've moved out, they know they don't have much control over you.  Though with a kid, they may try the 'immoral' angle.  See Squirrel's threads.

In my case I'm a lot older than most guys here (49) and I came out 2 yrs ago and jumped into transition.  My parents (also religious) were very accepting, surprisingly.  But at my age they have no pull on my life or decisions, so who knows if that helped or not.  I do have 2 kids also.


Jay

[Shang]

Gabriel, yeah I think I'll wait until I look a bit more manly too.  (By the way, you have the same name as my son!)

(IE: Boyfriend and 6 month old)  Do you think that living on my own will make them more or less accepting?

I had to look to make sure it was me you were talking to (and I hope it is) xD And that's awesome!

Living on your own might make it more easier for them to take, and it would give you guys space just in case it goes bad.  And, if it goes bad, you can at least take comfort in that you're not relying on them for your food and housing.

[SnailPace]

Yup, I was talking to you Shang.

Yeah, I really don't think I could've come out to them when I was living with them.  I couldn't even tell them I was on birth control!  Living with my parents was a stressful time, anything they found out I was doing that could be perceived as "devious" ended with me on house arrest.  No leaving the room, not even for school 

[Shang]

Yup, I was talking to you Shang.

Yeah, I really don't think I could've come out to them when I was living with them.  I couldn't even tell them I was on birth control!  Living with my parents was a stressful time, anything they found out I was doing that could be perceived as "devious" ended with me on house arrest.  No leaving the room, not even for school 

I'm just not used to it--no one in my area knows who I am.

Wow...That's pretty horrible. :-/ My parents were more mad if I didn't just tell them something, like dating the girl staying the night. >.> I hope it goes well for you on this! 

[James-Alen]

Tread lightly, friend. My ex girlfriend lived with her parents, theologists of 20 years that not only loved and studied the bible, they were unhealthily obsessed. They made life very hard for her. I want you to know that if your parents do that, it is not the end of the world. They will accept you or not, but ride it out and cherish yourself. In my eyes, you are the only god that matters (you being everyone). Pardon my personal beliefs but whatever happens don't blame yourself.  I don't have much advice as my parents aren't religious, but tell them sooner than later. Surprising them wont help, they may feel irritated or lied to (we all know otherwise but cis people get that way, especially parents).

[spacial]

Jesus said, Judge not that ye be not judged.

[Sarah_aus]

Hi,

By no stretch of the imagination could I tell you how to come out as I am so far in the closet its not funny but below are a couple of verses/talking points that might help, my parent are quite religous also:

Deuteronomy 22.5 is a common argument for the against, however if you believe gender is based on gender identity then you would be considered male or female respectively, thus clothing is not an issue, if gender belief is by genetics then this is generally a lost arguement, though, read through this chapter as many deuteronomic laws are no longer followed, you may wish to make mention of deuteronomy 22:8 for example
Deuteronomy 23:1 may help if circumcision is practiced, then isiah 56:4-5
Mark 9:43-47
Samuel 16:7,
Psalms 139:13-14
Ecclesiates 11:5
Zechariah 12:1
Galatians 3:28
John 7:24
John 3:16

Hope this helps, though its up for interpretation, there are also some translations available online that may help, as translations vary, 

Good luck,

Love

-Tali

[Debra]

Well I came out to my parents last August and at first they said they'd love me no matter what but after a few weeks of talking to their friends, church, and a christian counselor, they essentially told me they were going to treat me like I was dead. Essentially they said I was rejecting their son so until I could be a man, they didn't want to see or hear from me ever.

My dad later appended this saying he would email and text me still off and on but it's usually just small talk or him complaining how much it sucks not having me around. I keep reminding him that I'm not the one who shut them out of my life.

Before they saw the christian counselor, my dad was even calling me Jerica or a nickname he came up with, Jerco. But now he just calls me by my old name or the old nickname, Jermo. =/

Note: I did go through transition pretty fast so hopefully in coming years, they will realize I am never going back and hopefully start to accept it. =/

I hope you have better luck. I know other families who have accepted much better, some are christian, some are not. So sometimes it can surprise you.

[Izumi]

Hey all,

I don't pass at all yet as I havn't started T and have huge bazoongas.  Also, I wear quite androgynous (or sometimes even femme looking) clothes.  I'm wondering if you think I should wait until after I start my physical transition to tell my parents?  Also, my mom and dad are very Christian, my dad will probably be really upset and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes over this but I think my mom will really want to interrogate me.  We don't live near each other so it will have to be over the phone or in a letter.  Does anybody know any biblical talking points to get my mom to wrap her head around this?  I don't follow the bible in my life but I know that having a few bible verses to support my cause would be very helpful!

(On a happier note, I was called "Sir" for the first time by a Subway employee the other day!  However, she looked up with a mortified expression afterward and said something along the lines of, "Oh my god, I'm SO sorry! I wasn't looking and I thought you were a guy but you aren't and you're actually really pretty!"  Oh well... haha)

This is an interesting question as i did some research on this since ironically my transition brought me closer to god then farther away, I am a christian myself and no i dont believe god hates me for many reasons.

As i read the bible and you can find passages that illustrate that the image of man is composed of 3 parts body, spirit, and soul.  Body being the vessel, Spirit being the part that has a divine communion with god, and soul which is an immaterial part that concerns itself with the sum forces of the universe that defines your existence.  All three make up god's image, and none can stand alone.  With that being the case some people question if people are made in god's image what about people born blind, deaf, Intersexual, transsexual, etc... Well, i found these quotes that might help:  found at: http://www.comereason.org

God by His nature is a rational being. He operates by the laws of logic. He is not constrained by them because they are some kind of "higher force", but they are the natural outflow of His will; they are His nature. He is as much a rational being as He is a loving being.

"implication that those people who have mental or physical deficiencies are somehow not created in the image of God. I find that this is not true. Because some of the aspects we associate with God's image may not be operating properly, it doesn't mean the person is devoid of God's image. Rather, it shows that the image is somehow skewed or distorted. I liken this to an analogy of a car being made in a certain likeness (such as the body style of a corvette). When it is wrecked, the damage does not nullify the idea of being formed in that likeness, but shows the image as defective and in need of repair. Every person who is aware, no matter how slight his mental faculties, lives by some ethic, some moral code, and some decision-making processes. This re-emphasizes importance of our Redeemer's work in the lives of men, for only He can create a heart in man that is not distorted and seeks His will."

With this same logic as for intersexed people we can assume we too are born skewed and have a willingness to fix our selves and recreate that image that god intended, just ask a priest what sex is my soul or spirit?.  Also, body, spirit, and soul are 3 different things that together make up god's image, and since body is the shell that holds all of them which is eventually discarded, one can assume it is the least important.  A body can be fixed and repaired when damaged, or healed through medicine, but the soul and spirit can never change its base properties,  you were born with the a damaged body, something you can repair, however your soul and spirit remains pure to god's plan and you as a whole will be judged, not just your body, if your meant to be a woman or man then god will let you know. 

Also you can look at this: http://www.tsroadmap.com/mental/spirit.html

^_^b hope this helps

[SnailPace]

An update: I came out to my mom accidentally.

I was visiting her and she invited me along to a "young adults group" bible study that she hosts.  The topic turned to the sinfulness of homosexuality and I was very oppositional, of course.  She said she wanted to "talk about this later", so we left it at that.

A day or so later, we (my sisters, mom and I) were talking about our "ideal bodies" and other girly things, and I just said, "I don't think I'll ever have the body I want, it's not really possible".  My mom asked me why but I didn't tell her, I wasn't ready to come out about this.

The next day she approached me and said, "I already know why you were upset last night, it's because you're gay!" (As in, lesbian) I didn't want to complicate things so I said, "No, I'm not"  (Besides, I have a live-in boyfriend/father of my child. Why would she think I liked women?) She was a bit taken aback, and then just started guessing wildly. ("Are you giving Gabriel up for adoption? Starting up a cult? Entering a three-way relationship?" Seriously Mom, what is making you think of these things?) Finally she guesses, "You want a sex change?"  I was already walking away from her at this point, but I said, "Yes"

So of course she starts freaking out about how it's because I hate her so much as a woman and I just want to be as different from her as possible because I'm ashamed of her, and about how I can't really be trans because I "obviously" don't have a hormone imbalance.  She resigned to pray about it though, and isn't going to tell my Dad.  She also said something about how "everything in my life just needs to be as dramatic as possible, first the cutting, running away from home, having a baby, and now THIS!?"  I said to her, "Ever think that those things happened because of this?"

[cynthialee]

...Well it is a step forward.

[Colleen Ireland]

So of course she starts freaking out about how it's because I hate her so much as a woman and I just want to be as different from her as possible because I'm ashamed of her, and about how I can't really be trans because I "obviously" don't have a hormone imbalance.  She resigned to pray about it though, and isn't going to tell my Dad.  She also said something about how "everything in my life just needs to be as dramatic as possible, first the cutting, running away from home, having a baby, and now THIS!?"  I said to her, "Ever think that those things happened because of this?"

OMG.  Do I ever see myself in THIS.  I'm not out to my parents yet, but when I came out to my marriage counselor in a private session, he was basically giving that same line - that I must be reacting to my dad, and want to be as much a polar opposite to him as possible, and THAT'S where this is coming from.  Oh, REALLY?  Man, I'd have to be one sick puppy to have such a completely overblown reaction to a very ordinary upbringing (for the 50's/60's).  And my wife has been saying maybe it's just that I've always had lots of issues with self-esteem, and I'm thinking... "Hey, wait a minute... what if the self-esteem issues are a BYPRODUCT?"  So... wow, I hear you.

As a Catholic, I've always been really browned off by people who quote the OLD testament and use it as "proof" of whatever they want.  I am a practicing Catholic, but to me, the NEW testament is the word of Jesus, and the old testament is a lot of historical/allegorical stories (the oral history of the Jews, told and retold for thousands of years B.C.) that DO have meaning in the context of religion, but are NOT the literal truth.  Everyone is free to believe whatever, and YMMV, but to use those words to prove a point of view is just frustrating!!

[meh]

So of course she starts freaking out about how it's because I hate her so much as a woman and I just want to be as different from her as possible because I'm ashamed of her, and about how I can't really be trans because I "obviously" don't have a hormone imbalance.  She resigned to pray about it though, and isn't going to tell my Dad.  She also said something about how "everything in my life just needs to be as dramatic as possible, first the cutting, running away from home, having a baby, and now THIS!?"  I said to her, "Ever think that those things happened because of this?"

Why does she think it's all about her??? Typical.

[Izumi]

An update: I came out to my mom accidentally.

I was visiting her and she invited me along to a "young adults group" bible study that she hosts.  The topic turned to the sinfulness of homosexuality and I was very oppositional, of course.  She said she wanted to "talk about this later", so we left it at that.

A day or so later, we (my sisters, mom and I) were talking about our "ideal bodies" and other girly things, and I just said, "I don't think I'll ever have the body I want, it's not really possible".  My mom asked me why but I didn't tell her, I wasn't ready to come out about this.

The next day she approached me and said, "I already know why you were upset last night, it's because you're gay!" (As in, lesbian) I didn't want to complicate things so I said, "No, I'm not"  (Besides, I have a live-in boyfriend/father of my child. Why would she think I liked women?) She was a bit taken aback, and then just started guessing wildly. ("Are you giving Gabriel up for adoption? Starting up a cult? Entering a three-way relationship?" Seriously Mom, what is making you think of these things?) Finally she guesses, "You want a sex change?"  I was already walking away from her at this point, but I said, "Yes"

So of course she starts freaking out about how it's because I hate her so much as a woman and I just want to be as different from her as possible because I'm ashamed of her, and about how I can't really be trans because I "obviously" don't have a hormone imbalance.  She resigned to pray about it though, and isn't going to tell my Dad.  She also said something about how "everything in my life just needs to be as dramatic as possible, first the cutting, running away from home, having a baby, and now THIS!?"  I said to her, "Ever think that those things happened because of this?"

I think those things happen because of being TS.  I was a complete loser, things didnt make sense, my life sucked, i didnt care about it, then I transitioned, and for the first time all the confusion, anxiety, and chaos of the world just disappeared... It ALL made sense once i dropped the act...  Once i was free to be myself, I got a great career, doubled my friends, and even got a fiance.  I love life now, because everyday isnt hell to live in.  So yeah, It happens because of THIS.