Can Anyone Identify?

[Suzy]

First let me say that this is a difficult post, the first time to talk about this.  But after reading the encouragement here and feeling a bit jealous, I thought it might help to share my struggle.  I am married to a wonderful woman and have three children.  But for as long as I can remember I have been drawn to dressing as a woman.  Of course it helps that my wife's clothes fit me and I can try most of them on.  But in a strange way I look forward to the times when she goes out of town so I can be the woman of the house.

I find myself often wearing sexy underwear when I walk late at night, sometimes even a bra.  I love to feel feminine, even if nobody else can tell it, though if I'm daring enough I add some cleavage.  But it's really not a sexual fantasy for me, it just feels right, like that "other" me that is craving attention finally gets attended to. 

And lately I've been feeling more strongly like this is the real me, more than the male side.  I would love to have the courage to "come out" but I'm not there yet.  I have no attraction to men, but I do increasingly fantasize about living as a woman.  Maybe full-time some day.  I have video taped myself in women's clothes to try to view it from another perspective.  With some guidance I think I could look attractive.

I know there are a lot of issues here, the secrecy being the worst.  And I know some may say I need to see a therapist.  I suspect this is true and may do so if I can find a way to do so in privacy. 

One of my greatest fantasies is to have a night on the town with other girls like me so I can learn what to do, and how better to move towards passing.

I do know this, the sexy silk short dress I am wearing right now fells more than good, it feels right.  And walking around in heels is a freeing experience.  I even enjoy the look of my nail polished fingers as they strike the keyboard.  And when I look in the mirror I see me.

Anyway, it has taken a lot of courage to put these things in writing.  Can anyone identify with what I am going through?

[TheBattler]

Hi Kristi,

Wellcome here to Susans. I am sure you will find many people who identify with what you are going through including myself. I love wearing skirts and Dresses - It help me to relax and feel as one. It is so nice feeling girly.

From the sounds you have been reading here for a lttle while so by all means join in the disscussion - I am sure you will find plenty of great people here.

Yes people will say find a theripst. I am sure they wil be discreate. I am so glad I found someone to talk to about what I was feeling.

Alice

[Robyn]

Anyway, it has taken a lot of courage to put these things in writing.  Can anyone identify with what I am going through?

Oh, my, yes, Kristi.  That was me about 10 years ago.  To compound things, I was in my late 50s and had ... er ... lost more than a little hair.  I'd have to be a wig lady for life.

At some point I realized that I had to be true to myself.  It was made somewhat easier - but only somewhat - because my youngest girls were in college. 

The most important thing, IMHO, is to find a gender counselor/therapist, not to find a cure (there is none), but to find out who you truly are.  You may be a crossdresser, happy to visit the other gender now and then, or you may receive the diagnosis that shocked me: transsexual.

I'm now 6 1/2 years postop, happy with myself, happily married, and still happily employed on a Navy project.

Life takes funny turns, but life is worth hanging on to.

Robyn

[Suzy]

Well thank both of you so much for replying.  And for your acceptance.  Right now I feel so alone.  But knowing others have been here is already a help.

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Kisti,
Yes is my answer; 
Let me quote myself:

I'm Jillieann. I have always been a very sensitive person. After 54 years and have played with crossdress on and off since I was a teen. But only recently have I realized that I am a transgender (male to female) person. I have been wear female undies all the time for the last month. I'm taking this new self very slowly.
I have three kids and grandkids that I love. No one knows about me because I have been a role model male husband, father, and now Grandfather. 

Here's more.

I like long or mid-length skirts. I'm too old to wear the short stuff. A lady has to act her age.
I love soft and silky materials and in different shades of pink. Style? I just like real feminine stuff.
A small amount of lace is great. I defiantly prefer dresses and skirts to blue jeans.
As a woman I want to dress like a woman not a man. (I have been wearing pant way to long already.)
Clothing is an important way in which I am able to express the real me.
And I want to show how feminine I really am

And here is a what I wrote after the first time I went out in public:

Was looking in the mirror after shaving and got the craziest idea.
So first I put on a little foundation on my face and neck.
Some blush on my cheeks and than I took a pencil and darken my eyebrows.
My eyelashes are already dark and long so I left them alone.
I put on some lipstick and a set of fake nails; my nails are still too short.
After putting a little padding, a white pullover, a pink sweater, my white ladies jeans,  teen shoes, a pair of small gold earrings, my wife's light weight winter coat and a light blue stocking hat I got into the car and headed for the mall. When I got to the mall I grabbed my purse, which I had put my wallet and other things, and walked into. At that moment I almost had a panic attack, but I was so determined to wall around the mall a couple of time no matter what anyone might think. I know how to talk, walk and act like a woman, I grew up with two sisters.
After ten minutes of walking without looking at anyone and my head down, I began to peek at people I was passing. No one seemed to notice me. I got a little braver and began looking at people as I pass them, they would glance at me and than look away just like they always do when I'm dressed as a man. Then my nose started to run. I had forgot to put an tissue in my purse so head for the bathrooms. I knew I couldn't go into the men's so hurried into the woman's and pass a couple of ladies and got into a stall.  Took care of my problem and than I when the bathroom sounded empty went to a mirror to check my makeup. Two women came in looked at me as the passed by and went into a couple of stalls without giving me a second glance.
I was in heaven. 
I realized that I was being accepted as the woman I am. Finally I could be my true self; a woman, in her environment, shopping in a mall.
After that I held my head up, smile at the children waiting for Santa, look everyone in the face and for the next two hours I walked and shopped in the stores.

Yes it was a great day for me.
And that was last Christmas.
So yes I real can relate, and it feels good to be able to share doesn't it. I know it has help me.
Take your time explore your feelings don't  jumping to any conclusion.
Do find a therapist if nothing more than to help you find out who you are. But if you realized that your are a transexual you will need a therapist recomendation to start your transistion.
Hugs

Jillieann/JR

[Suzy]

So yes I real can relate and I feels good to be able to share doesn't it.
Hugs

Jillieann/JR

Yes, I'm so grateful I found Susan's and the people here.

I wish I had the courage to go to a mall.  Maybe soon.  BTW, you look beautiful.

[Jillieann Rose]

Thank you Kristi.
Would love to see how you look made up.
And remember as far as makeup goes a little is better than allot.
Oh I just love to wear skirts and silk but I think my favorite thing is my suede boots with the 2" heels.

Jillieann

[Suzy]

Would love to see how you look made up.
And remember as far as makeup goes a little is better than allot.

Jillieann

I have a lot to learn as far as makeup goes.  Wish I had someone to do it for me once to learn.  And definitely will need to find a wig because what's up top is thinner than it used to be.  I'm not sure where to find one that won't cost an arm and a leg.  But I'd like to do that and take some pics.  Will post them if I can manage.

[Jillieann Rose]

I bought a wig that I think is great and I often use on E-bay.
And as far as makeup goes try these sites https://www.susans.org/wiki/Cosmetics#Make-up_Application_and_Sequence
at Susan's or www.101lifestyle.com/beauty/makeup/makeup.html

Jillieann/JR

[Suzy]

Jillieann/JR, thank you for the ebay tip.  Never thought of looking there.  Lots to choose from, including one that is just the style I want.  Now to get up the courage to press the bid button.   

[LisaElizabeth]

  Hi all,
  Kristi, I tried to see your profile to figure out where you are....  It would make finding a shop that does makeovers a little easier....  But I guess I am either too new or do not have that level of security clearance!  So, I'll just take a stab.
  That said....  Having a mekover or two will give you a lot of ideas on where you want your own style to go!  My first makeover was a little heavy on the eyes.  My second was better and the third one I actually liked and try to duplicate when I go out.
  Now as to where to go...  Depends on where you live.  Chicago area is 'transformations By Rori'  You can rent everything as long as you don't leave the shop.  It gives you a chance to SEE Kristi!  Then you can try on wigs, clothes etc, to see what you actually want.
  Janna's Place basically does makeovers, also in the Chi area.
  In Champaign there is a Merle Norman studio that will help with makeup, and outside louisville, ky is someone known as 'The Lipstick doctor' that does makeovers.
  If you visit Fictionmania it is sponsored by 'The Glamour boutique' in Las Vegas They appear to be another transformation salon, so if you plan a trip to vegas a night as Kristi is a possibility. Of whatever happens in vegas...
  I have found the ladies magazines, IE Allure, Ladie Home Journal, Cosmo all have makeup tips and help.  As do ALL of the cosmetic manufacturer websites.  Covergirl will even give you the makeup to buy and try and how to apply it if you fill out a simple questionairre.
  If I am visiting a new town, I google transgendered, 'city'  to find out what is there.  Otherwise a visit to suzanna Marqua's Site for a listing of people in the area and a few e-mails usually gets a response of some type.  I try to keep it low key and unobtrusive since a lot of girls are very, very skittish about unsolicited e-mails.
  So-o-o, I guess it means you have to search a little!  But I hope some of these ideas help you find a place near you or that you travel to that can help you make Kristi a reality!
  Hugs,
  Lisa Elizabeth

[Suzy]

Lisa Elizabeth,

Thank you so much for some wonderful advice!  Actually I do travel to Chicago on occasion.  Looks like I have a new reason to go.  I would, at this point, just feel more comfortable if it were away from home.  Again, thanks for all of the support.

Kristi

[Refugee]

Jillieann/JR, thank you for the ebay tip.  Never thought of looking there.  Lots to choose from, including one that is just the style I want.  Not to get up the courage to press the bid button.   

I'm not aware of an e-bay seller that cares beyond you paying for the item on time.

[Robyn]

Look at Paula Young, too.  You can try different styles without breaking the bank.  I probably average $100 a year for a couple of synthetic hair wigs.

Robyn

[Casey]

Kristi, I can identify with what you're going through too. So can quite a lot of people. I know it feels like it now but you are far from being alone. And the interesting part is we identify in a number of ways. So feeling the way you do doesn't mean you're one particular thing or another. Take your time, really get to know yourself, and just enjoy the freedom of being able to just be you.

[Suzy]

That "taking time" thing is part of the turmoil.  But I know this can't be rushed.  It's too important to make a mistake.  But the repression has been going on for so very many years that patience is sometime like torture.

Interestingly, when my night was over last night and I had to return to maleness, I felt this incredible sense of grieving and began to cry, which I don't do easily.  I know part of it was the decision to discuss myself with those on here.  It helped me feel OK about myself, and gave me hope that perhaps my "problem" is not a problem after all.

I do wish there were such a thing as a peer group to teach techniques to each other, and serve as mentors.  But this online community seems to be the closest thing I've found.  Thanks again!
Kristi

[TheBattler]

Kristi,

Ypu are correct - this can not be rushed. Now you are starting to come out it is important to take to be happy with where you are going. This took me a long time and it is now my pet hate - People declaring who they are to quickly to try and fit in. It took me a long time to figure out I am not TS. I was so relieved when I knew I was not TS it was like a big burden lifted from my shoulders. Why do I like to wear skirts and dresses - it is just who am I - the way I am built.

So take your time to figre out where where you want to go.

Have a look at the thread https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,7882.0.html. In it I reference another thread - an article posted by Tinkerbell. It tells you why we must take the amount of time necesary to figure things out for ourselfs.

Alice

[Suzy]

Hi Kisti,
Yes is my answer; 
Let me quote myself:

Jillieann/JR,

Is there a link to the whole text of this?  Or are they in separate quotes?  I tried to search but could not find it.

Kristi

[HelenW]

Hi, Kristi!  Welcome!

Wow.  Can I relate!  But, you know, an interesting thing I've noticed from reading posts on this forum for almost a year and a half is that even with all our commonalities we are still very individual in our issues.  But, yeah, you sure AREN"T alone.

If the dishonesty and hiding are getting to be too much, please do find a gender specializing therapist.  We can tell you how things are for ourselves but only you can figure this out for yourself.  And it's alot harder to do that without a professional to help you along.  By "privacy" I suspect you mean seeing a therapist without anyone knowing?  Even your wife?  I think that may be difficult but, really, you can find and see a therapist and not tell your family the exact issues you're going for.  There are sites on the web that can help you find gender specialists, some linked from here, https://www.susans.org/index.html

A peer group might be available in the form of a support group for transgendered people.  There are groups that cater more to crossdressers and some that focus more on transsexuals.  Most gender therapists can point you in the right direction.

In any event, I'm pleased you decided to start posting here.  I'll be looking forward to reading more from you and if you have any questions at all, fire away.

again, WELCOME ! ! 
helen

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Kisti, They are 3 different postings.
Here are the links:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,1436.0.html My intro.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,1834.0.html My frist time out.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,85.0.html This is the one about fashion.
Hope they help. If you have any questions you can always email me.

Jillieann/JR