What To Say When....

[sneakersjay]

I came out to a lifelong friend a long time ago, since our kids attend the same schooly function.  Not an issue.  When I came out 2 years ago, I obviously had to come out and tell people.

I just received an email from an old acquaintance I have not seen in a long time (maybe 8 years) and she hangs in places my lifelong friend does.  My friend told this acquaintance about me.

I live in an area near where I grew up, I realize it is impossible for me to ever be stealth, but how do we tell well-meaning people that this info (our transition) really isn't up for sharing to the world at large?  It has also happened at work, where coworkers tell their families and friends about me, after the family/friends have met me, and referred to me as male to my coworkers, who then tell them I *used* to be F...

These people aren't doing it in a malicious way at all; they likely don't realize that we would prefer that the info isn't just spread around to people who don't need to know.

Is there a polite way to say hey don't tell people without it coming across that I'm mad?  I'm not mad; most of the time I'm living my life as a regular guy that I forget myself that I transitioned, and these little reminders come at the most inopportune times to remind me of that fact.

Thanks.

Jay

Edited to add: I should also say that my kids are also at that age where they don't want to explain my transition and don't need to be teased for having a trans parent.  So part of my concern for this *news* sweeping through this group of acquaintances is having people say stuff to my kids.

[Al James]

I think the phrase is " two people can keep a secret; but only if one of them is dead" It seems to be human nature that if they know something about you then they feel the need to tell everyone who doesn't know- just so that they can all be 'in on it'. I almost think its easier to confront the ones who do do it  maliciously rather than people who almost think theyre doing you a favour. I haven't found a way yet of protecting the kids from gossip-mind you mine is 18 now but he s had to go thro school being teased about whether i was his mum or dad

[Kristyn]

I live in an area near where I grew up, I realize it is impossible for me to ever be stealth, but how do we tell well-meaning people that this info (our transition) really isn't up for sharing to the world at large?  It has also happened at work, where coworkers tell their families and friends about me, after the family/friends have met me, and referred to me as male to my coworkers, who then tell them I *used* to be F...

The answer is simple.  YOU DON'T TELL ANYONE.  You tell one person and guaranteed they will talk.  Nobody is going to keep the fact that someone they know is trans a secret.  Why?  Because it's BIG news to them--news that is so big that they just have to share with someone.  I haven't told anyone in 15 years and, as I approach my surgery date, I'm soooooo glad I didn't.  I've been tempted mind you.  Why?  Who knows?  Pride?  The "Hey!  Look at me!" factor?  No idea, but I'm so glad I didn't.  I've even been tempted to post my pics on here and other trans sites.  Again, I'm so glad I didn't.  Why?  Because here we have over 4000 members but really only about 75 regular posters, you don't know who's watching these boards and what agenda they may have.

Sorry to hear about your co-workers, they really seem like a bunch of busy bodied dip->-bleeped-<-s much like the majority of everyday working stiffs you would find in an office environment or similar.  A similar situation occurred with me when I first moved to Toronto.  My brother and sister in law would try to get my to socialize and meet people through them.  So everytime they would organize a dinner, they would invite me.  They would then inform all their guests that I was trans!  WTF?  Completely unecessary.  After a while, I just simply stopped accepting their invites.  You simply can't change people.  The news that someone is trans is far too great for anyone to keep secret.  Jealousy can sometimes be factored into the equation as well.

[Hermione01]

I have to agree with al james and Kristyn, once its out of the bag, it's got a life of its own.
The majority of people think sharing a secret that someone was once a 'man' or 'woman' would have to be the biggest 'wow' moment of their lives, so won't keep it secret for long.
Yes, most people 'love' to hear this type of s***. On a scale of 1 - 10 in the 'wow' factor, 10 being the optimum, it would rate as a 10.
It's no one's business and why people still make such a deal of it is beyond me.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I just say that it's none of their business and doesn't need to be spread around. I never verify or deny the alleged rumors. It doesn't matter. It's my life. If it offends you, don't look. I tend to come off as angry and well...it does anger me when people butt in.

[K8]

I don't think it is possible to keep it secret.  You can mention to friends that it is something that you've gone through and would like to move on from, that being reminded of it is not helpful to you, and that you'd prefer that they don't spread information about your past around.

That said, I also think that it is something we have to get used to as long as we maintain connecitons to our past lives.

(I went to a party on the Fourth.  Some of the people knew me from before and some were new.  No one mentioned my transition and I was careful to edit my stories of my past to be female or gender-neutral.  As I was leaving, a new woman stopped me to tell me that her son has my old name and her daughter is Kate and she thinks it's wonderful I'm going from *oldname* to Kate.  So much for being careful.   In the end, you can assume no one knows or assume everyone knows.  It's easier to just assume everyone knows.)

- Kate

[sneakersjay]

I agree with you Kate.  Gonna have to get used to it.  I did talk to the lady in question and it's all cool.

Jay

[Griffin]

You could tell them that it's not appropriate, but sex reassignment somehow winds up being juicy gossip.  For me, talking to people at length about trans issues etc seems to open the floodgates to gossip and more people asking about it.  Endless cycle.  Just making it not a topic of discussion sort of fizzles it out for them.  You'll get pushback but the socratic method (constant "why") can make people come to uncomfortable conclusions about their own motivations, and malicious types will usually cut you off with "Hey man, I don't have to explain myself to the likes of you!"

[rejennyrated]

Well I my experience there does come a time, sometime between 10 and 20 years on, when it simply becomes such *old* news that people do stop telling others... either that or as one of my friends confessed to me in a fit of laughter - they simply forget what you were like back then.

As I have observed elsewhere it may be slightly different for my friends because from the age of 5 (and I don't have any pre aged 5 friends) apart from a brief hiatus during my time at uni, and shortly thereafter, I was always at the very least slightly ambiguous.

Still it was a nice surprise when one of my old school friends suddenly realised that over the years she actually seems to have edited her own memory of me and was now remembering me as a full blown schoolgirl - even though I wasn't... quite.