My boyfriend :\

[meh]

I haven't come out to him yet. We've been together for like 5 years. I've come to terms with my 'transness' during our relationship and I've decided I actually want to transition. I've always felt like a guy, I just never told anyone because I thought it was weird to "become" a guy and date guys and that I'd never find a guy to date if I did transition. Well since straight guys wouldn't want me and gay guys are obsessed with penis (usually) and there tends to not be as many bisexual or pansexual guys as there are girls. Or maybe there are and they just don't admit it due to the way society treats it. I live in Ohio too, which isn't the most trans friendly place. I can't even change my gender marker on my birth certificate.

Anyways, he just think I'm a tomboyish girl. He has told me he's not attracted to men. He thinks my hairy legs are gross and he tells me I don't look like a dude at all. I don't think he'd put up with being seen as a gay man either.

So all of that makes me coming out to him very difficult. I love him, but I don't think I can continue living like this just to continue our relationship.

Argh. Can anyone else relate?

[Britney♥Bieber]

Idk what to say but I think you have to tell him. Sooner or later, the end result is going to be more or less the same. I'm hoping he can see past your gender, if he really loves you.

[Cindy]

Sadly I cannot see this coming out positively for both of you. He seems to want a 'trad' woman, shaved legs and lady like. You are a guy. I think you need to tell him so both of you can move forward.

Sorry to be negative but

Cindy

[meh]

Thanks ladies. I think I'll have a discussion with him after I find a job (getting laid off sucks) so I can support myself and my daughter (not his kid) if he decides to up and leave.

[Britney♥Bieber]

If you ever need someone to listen, I'm here for you! My name's McKey. I might change it though haha but for now it's McKey. Let us know when you talk to him and what happens. I wish you luck <3

[Papillon]

That is not an easy situation, by any means. 

Yes, I have to agree with the others and say that you do need to tell him, sooner rather than later.  His comments about your legs etc sound slightly agressive.  Is he?  Do you think he might become agressive when you come out to him? If so, you might want to do it on neutral ground, such as in a pub/bar or cafe.

And, as for his response and what you do about it, I also predict that he will find it very difficult to imagine himself going forward with the relationship on this new basis.  And I have to disagree with andthenwekisss.  He may well love you.  Lots.  But he may also lack the extraordinary emotional resources necessary to adjust to the new situation.  You have a right to seek to express your gender identity and he has a right to express his sexual orientation.  Unfortunately, they clash.

I am in the same position so I can truly relate.

Good luck with it all.

[Alessandro]

I was in this situation this time last year.  It probably won't turn out well but you will feel better for being allowed to be yourself entirely.  My ex hated when I stopped wearing the feminine clothes I wore and cut my hair shorter.  Him liking me gave me the confidence to be myself.  But sadly the more I was being myself, the more masculine I became.  So I ended up leaving him when he gave me an ultimatum and am now with someone who loves me for me.  It's worth it, there is no point in living your life for someone else.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

If your transition forces you apart...then so be it. You'll find someone who is right for you, who accepts you for you. Been there done that. And you'll find that not ALL gay men are obsessed with penis. Right now I'm dealing with the fact that I want to be with a man or at least have a sexual experience with a man...but the fact that I'm afraid people aren't open minded, scares me.

[Arch]

Yeah, I can relate. One reason my ex was attracted to me in the first place, apparently, was my unconventional appearance. He liked my no-nonsense presentation, didn't mind the androgyny (unless I was actively binding or something), and knew that I was trans in the first year we were together.

We were together nearly twenty years before I started transition. It took him less than three months to decide to break up with me. And that's a man who already knew about me and was okay with my gender identity and "cross dressing." As long as I never actually DID anything about it, he rarely had a problem with it. And he was the biggest reason I never transitioned. There were other factors, but my relationship was the most important. Twice I got to the "I can't take this anymore" stage, and twice I managed to bury my true self or compartmentalize my life enough to go on as I was. The third time, I just couldn't do it anymore.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't been so stubborn and so scared.

Now he's going the other way, looking for a feminine woman who is 5' 2". Once burned...

All relationships have their own dynamic, but your situation sounds problematic already. I wouldn't hold out too much hope that he'll accept you, but you can't really move forward (not honestly, anyway) until you tell him. For you, perhaps, it's even scarier because you seem pretty sure that he won't stay with you. But at some point you'll have to punch through the love and the fear, and run the risk. Or maybe what you're really doing now is reconciling yourself to the near-certainty that he will want to break up.

But I guess you already know all of this, yes?

[Crypt77]

If your transition forces you apart...then so be it. You'll find someone who is right for you, who accepts you for you. Been there done that. And you'll find that not ALL gay men are obsessed with penis. Right now I'm dealing with the fact that I want to be with a man or at least have a sexual experience with a man...but the fact that I'm afraid people aren't open minded, scares me.

Yeah I know what you mean. I have thought about having an experience with a man (and being pre-T I guess it's more...acceptable but still) as of late as well but society can be cruel. Hang in there my friend. This reminds me of Buck Angel though (The Man With The Pussy!).

But Shade hang in there. One thing you gotta ask yourself is "Can I live with myself like this?" Like can you live with yourself as a girl? You know you're trans, and you know you want the transition. I'll leave it at that.

[meh]

That is not an easy situation, by any means. 

Yes, I have to agree with the others and say that you do need to tell him, sooner rather than later.  His comments about your legs etc sound slightly agressive.  Is he?  Do you think he might become agressive when you come out to him? If so, you might want to do it on neutral ground, such as in a pub/bar or cafe.

Oh he is not aggressive at all. He would never lay a finger on me. He is just very blunt.
Post Merge: July 07, 2010, 01:28:33 PM

I was in this situation this time last year.  It probably won't turn out well but you will feel better for being allowed to be yourself entirely.  My ex hated when I stopped wearing the feminine clothes I wore and cut my hair shorter.  Him liking me gave me the confidence to be myself.  But sadly the more I was being myself, the more masculine I became.  So I ended up leaving him when he gave me an ultimatum and am now with someone who loves me for me.  It's worth it, there is no point in living your life for someone else.

You're right and have given me hope.
Post Merge: July 07, 2010, 02:33:29 PM

Yeah, I can relate. One reason my ex was attracted to me in the first place, apparently, was my unconventional appearance. He liked my no-nonsense presentation, didn't mind the androgyny (unless I was actively binding or something), and knew that I was trans in the first year we were together.

We were together nearly twenty years before I started transition. It took him less than three months to decide to break up with me. And that's a man who already knew about me and was okay with my gender identity and "cross dressing." As long as I never actually DID anything about it, he rarely had a problem with it. And he was the biggest reason I never transitioned. There were other factors, but my relationship was the most important. Twice I got to the "I can't take this anymore" stage, and twice I managed to bury my true self or compartmentalize my life enough to go on as I was. The third time, I just couldn't do it anymore.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't been so stubborn and so scared.

Now he's going the other way, looking for a feminine woman who is 5' 2". Once burned...

All relationships have their own dynamic, but your situation sounds problematic already. I wouldn't hold out too much hope that he'll accept you, but you can't really move forward (not honestly, anyway) until you tell him. For you, perhaps, it's even scarier because you seem pretty sure that he won't stay with you. But at some point you'll have to punch through the love and the fear, and run the risk. Or maybe what you're really doing now is reconciling yourself to the near-certainty that he will want to break up.

But I guess you already know all of this, yes?

Ouch...that's a long time to be with someone and for him to just give it all up so quickly...makes me sad.

Thanks for the reply. Now I don't feel so alone in what is happening.
Post Merge: July 07, 2010, 03:36:02 PM

Yeah I know what you mean. I have thought about having an experience with a man (and being pre-T I guess it's more...acceptable but still) as of late as well but society can be cruel. Hang in there my friend. This reminds me of Buck Angel though (The Man With The Pussy!).

But Shade hang in there. One thing you gotta ask yourself is "Can I live with myself like this?" Like can you live with yourself as a girl? You know you're trans, and you know you want the transition. I'll leave it at that.

Man I wish there was a hotter FTM dude in porn. I just don't find Buck Angel to be that attractive honestly. I've  seen waaaay hotter FTMs. haha

anyway, yea I can't go on like a girl, it's sooo wrong.

Thanks you guys!

[Arch]

Ouch...that's a long time to be with someone and for him to just give it all up so quickly...makes me sad.

Thanks for the reply. Now I don't feel so alone in what is happening.

Oh, please don't be sad for me! You have enough to contend with. I'm actually doing pretty well, although I still feel some anger and hurt. Plus, we had twelve or thirteen terrific years and a few pretty good years before things started to really deteriorate. I don't know what he thinks, but I'm glad I was with him. I'm glad we had such a good partnership, even though I had to wall off a part of myself. I suspect that I would have done a lot of that compartmentalizing and denial even if I had been single. Probably not for as long...probably not for nearly as long...but at the time, the price was worth it.

I did think we had a better shot than most, but I never had to guts to test it until recently. As I was going through my final coming-out, I knew quite well that we could break up, and I accepted the risk because...well, what else could I do? I had gotten to the point where my need to be myself vastly outweighed my fear of losing him. If that's where you are, I hope you can be both frank and kind with him.

I didn't intend to depress you, but I did want you to know that you're not alone in what you're experiencing--and that even a long-term relationship doesn't always last, particularly when a cis male is involved. And yet I survived. Even if you find yourself single again, you will make it through. For one thing, you have all of us here at Susan's to cheer you on.

[GamerJames]

Man I wish there was a hotter FTM dude in porn. I just don't find Buck Angel to be that attractive honestly. I've  seen waaaay hotter FTMs. haha

^This^

While I'm glad that at least Buck is out there trying to raise visibility (some will argue whether that's a good thing, I think it's better than complete invisibility, ymmv...), I still wish we had a more attractive "spokesperson" in that way. There are SOOO many hot FTMs all over the place, Susan's is crawling with 'em, so is FetLife (a kinky social networking site).

And, yes it's harder to find bi/pan cis-guys than girls, but they're still out there. And even though trans guys seem to be hard to find, there are ways of connecting with the ones in your area, and it seems to me that more of us trans guys are bi/pan and open to being attracted to various permutations of the sex/gender spectrums.

Also, I personally find that Androgynes/Genderqueer-identified people, are often more fluid in what gender/sex/identity/whatever they are attracted to as well (and they tend to be hella hot, imho - but I really find gender non-conformity sexy, so I'm biased, lol).

Anyhow, all that to say, even if you're only interested in gay-identified cis-males, there are ones out there who will be open to dating you as well, even if they're harder to find. And if you're interested in shopping the whole spectrum, there are tons of queers out there who might fit the bill as well.

[Radar]

Like others have said don't live your life for someone else. You'll just look back and wish you had done it sooner and feel like you lost time. There will always be other people but you have to live with you.

I'm sure it's harder being gay and trying to hook up with another man. I have found that women tend to be more accepting but there are guys out there. At this point I'm not looking for or thinking about a relationship. I have to get myself in order first (as we all do). Relationships can always come later.

[VampyreAri]

Anyhow, all that to say, even if you're only interested in gay-identified cis-males, there are ones out there who will be open to dating you as well, even if they're harder to find. And if you're interested in shopping the whole spectrum, there are tons of queers out there who might fit the bill as well.

^This. It is harder to find gay cis-males who are okay with dating a transguy, but it's not impossible. My boyfriend has known about my trans status since only a few days after we met and considers me as male as any other guy. We've been together happily for over eleven months now.

So, when it comes down to it, it's really dependent on the individual person.

Best of luck, dude.

Also, agreed on Buck Angel. It's cool what he's trying to do in terms of visibility, but we need more visible hot transguys as well.

[notyouraverageguy]

Its something you have to do, you need to tell him.
You can't let the ppl you love hold you back from being your true self.
Just be you &if ppl can't accept that then that's their problem.
Its hard to lose someone you love, but you never know how much they love you until they know the real you.
Maybe he'll stay, maybe he won't be able to handle it..
I wish you the best, you'll get through this.