Devastated

[Shelley]

Hi Everyone,

Today my whole life has just gone down the toilet. My wife has been visiting this site for about a month trying to figure out which member is me. Just a warning for those who are worried about people reading your posts. If you reenter this site within a reasonably short timeframe your user name comes up at the top.

My wife has left me and taken one of my boys with her. I just spoke to her on the phone and has told me that I disgust her and that she cannot come near me again. She told me she would be my friend and that she could not be my wife.

She said she felt like she was holding me back. Just when I've become comfortable with me as me she has become worried that I am something else. I am a CD and happy to be that. She says she can't understand that and that she can't support me.

I don't understand, she can accept a gay friend of ours who has just come out, she can accept gay friends that I work with and she went to the Gay Mardi Gras with me as a marshall but she finds this so abhorent.

I know this, my life as I know it is over. I think I now understand how people feel on the edge. One day my wife and I are looking forward to going on overseas trips and growing old together and just like I've dropped a glass its all shattered.

I have promised to seek counselling and she has promised not to tell anyone and I believe her but the thought of life away from my wife and my children seems pretty pointless at this stage. Its been pretty good up to this stage so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

If anyone has any suggestions of where I can access councelling in Sydney or on the Central Coast of NSW it would be appreciated. I'm worried about going to one who does not understand CDing.

Wish me luck

[Susan]

I feel for you hon. I once had someone I cared a long time ago about tell me they "Didn't want to hold me back". It hurts. As for the browser cache I would recommend something like www.avantbrowser.com  which has the ability to clear all records. You can say it's for privacy as some sites track people on the internet.  This does not stop a key stroke logger or anything of that nature. We are all here for you

[Cherrie]

Dear Shelley

I do really feel for you and I wish you all the luck in the world. I have been watching this site for sometime and I think there is a wonderful support group here.

I don't like hearing that your whole life has gone down the toilet there is always more to live for and there is always hope. Maybe one day things will change and everything hurts more when it's all knew.

I also feel for your wife. It's always easier to accept different traits eg. her friend who is gay. Whe didn't marry her friend who was gay. She probably feels like her whole life has gone down the drain also. She knew her friend was gay from the start. She didn't start a life with this person and find out there was more to know about him.

I hope with time the hurt will heal and you can then rebuild a relationship with her and your kids will always be your children.

Good luck I will be thinking of you
Cherrie.

[Debtv]

It will be ok Shelley........

I know this, my life as I know it is over.

Well, I know how that feels....but you are wrong. You know my story, married 17 yrs and when I told her...she said I disgusted her too. I know how that feels too, but I also know that your pain will pass.

Counselling might help you, but you ARE NOT CRAZY. It is the burdon of living a secret life, because of others misunderstanding/unacceptance.

Ok, you have some hard stuff to deal with...and I know it will not be easy, but believe me...it will get better for you.

It's sad but true, if your wife cannot deal with your being a cd...then you both will be better off apart.

Here is a sad poem I wrote when my wife and I broke up.........

"Its all my fault"
by DebTV
*
As I tell you the truth,
and climb out of my vault.
I've known that from my youth,
that its all been my fault.
*
You feel you lost your man,
my growing tgism I cannot halt.
Lies & betrayal was not my plan,
and I know, its all my fault.
*
As I open up for us both to see,
you reject my femness by default.
You don't want to touch me,
as its all my fault.
*
If a pill would make it go away,
for you I'd make my TGness halt.
But my TGness is here to stay,
and I know...its all my fault.
*
So, my choices are few,
to hide and try not to get caught
Or to be honest with you,
and I know its all my fault.
*
Copyright 1996 DebTV

Yeah I know how it feels.........but in hindsite...the only thing that really was my fault...was having a secret from my wife. I should have told her before I married her.

You just hang in there hon...know one of the big reasons I came out to everyone I know? It was to take my ex's power away, of "I'm gonna tell everyone we know that you are TG". lol and it made my life a whole lot better! You never know what your future will bring...but more than likely, it will be better.

Good luck hon
Love DebTV

[Terri-Gene]

Shelly, I know it hurts and the consiquences of that reach far deeper then you are actually concious of.  It is a hard thing for a wife to accept, especially when it would seem to her that you could function without it.  It's no different when the presentation is full time and the identity is complete.  To a wife it is as if a stranger has taken the place of her husband and she just wants the confort and security of her husband back.

My own wife has never adapted to it and in fact has used every trick in the book to try to turn things back the way they were, even after it went to far to in any way turn back.  We have had seperate rooms for some time now as she says she finds the changes in my body repulsive and unapealing.  She likes the mental differences even less and finds the somewhat less aggressive and at times even passive nature that is gradually replaceing the older me confusing and less comforting.  She no longer feels as safe and secure as she once did.

It even went to the point of her actually finding good things about the medical difficulties I have had as to her they represented a means of stopping me from going on and she is actually distressed each time i over come and find ways to continue.  It seems she would rather see me dead then finish what i have started.  That makes me feel really good let me tell you.

There is no generic fix to these problems, some work out and most don't, you just have to make peace with yourself about what you want in life and work toward that goal and accept that you are going to lose some and win some and gravitate toward those who can be comfortable with you and support your needs.

It's hard to keep it in perspective at times, but the truth is, such things are just as hard or harder on her as they are on you, and she has less time to cope and adapt then you did, so realise her feelings from what you know of your own in this matter and try to work it out, if you wish to, from that enlightened point of view, though sadly, it is most often, as I found out, simply spinning your wheels in the sand.

I wish there were some magic words I could give you about this, but as I could never find the solutions in my own marrage, what worthwhile advice could I give another?

The only thing I could tell you is that you simply have to determine whats important to you in terms of being able to live as a more complete, self sustaining person and work toward that goal.  Again, empty advice as I myself have a long way to go toward finding that completeness and in many ways have lost much in the way of finding what I need totally within myself and steadily become more reliant on the nurture and comfort of others then I ever did before.  sometimes it seems like a backward treadmill, but the alternative is unacceptable.

Best wishes

Terri

[Shelley]

Thankyou Everyone,

It is conforting to know that you are all here. And Terri any words from you at the moment are magic because it shows your there and you care which by the way I never doubted for a moment.

I probably should clarify something. I do believe that life as I have come to know it is finished. My wife has promised not to tell anyone and I am confident that she won't. But now she looks at me differently and the genie is out of the bottle and as you all know you can't put her back.

I'm sure that my wife doesn't understand about CDing. I thinks that she believes that in a very short time she is going to be living with a fulltime bells and whistles woman. I can't get her to see that what she has  now is no different to what she had before, she just knows more about what she's got. Does that make sense.

Anyway for a little while anyway you may have to listen to me a little less as she is dead against this site and the thought of coming here disgusts her. I need to try and sought something out of this mess. I hope that I can. If I do I will be back and who knows through the process you might meet her.

Finally I'm with you Deb silly me I should have told her when we first met. I tried but when I opened the door she closed so I just left it that way.

Hugs and love to you all.

Shelley

[Terri-Gene]

Finally I'm with you Deb silly me I should have told her when we first met. I tried but when I opened the door she closed so I just left it that way.

Don't beat up on yourself for that one Shelley,  while it is true that a relationship not based upon total honesty in the beginning is most likely doomed to failure, our minds play their funny tricks with "justification", such as thinking that if you told, no relationship would be possible at all, but if you don't, it is always hanging over your head.

It is just that sometimes there is a need for love and nurture and one takes their chances hoping that the truth will never come out or somehow they will find a way to bring it out while somehow retaining the relationship.

While it is unrealistic and unfair to with hold things like this, our own needs sometimes overcome common sense and sense of honesty.  It happens.  Just remember this if you must look for someone else.  It is better to lose something you want in the beginning before it fully roots itself into your heart then it is to lose it when the emotional damage will be greatest.  Do NOT repeat the mistake, love is a rare thing and like everything else must be respected, as you are risking not only your own feelings, but those of another.

I've heard it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all, but from past experience, I would call that a little silly.  At present I would rather to have never known such feelings then to achieve them and then destroy them.  It just isn't worth it.

If you can save what you had, I envy you, but if you can't, just remember the lesson and never for an instant forget it.  emotional attachement is a double edged sword, stay on the proper edge for your own peace of mind and growth, the wrong side of the blade can be shattering and destroy all that you were, trust me.

terri

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Shelly.

I'm really sorry to here about this sudden turn of events.  Although I don't think you mentioned it, my first impressions were that you and your wife were ok with you as a CD.  I guess not.

From what you have writen is is very apparent that you wish to stay with your wife and family, so the first thing you have to do is get the lines of comunication open, and get talking, very quickly.  You are right, you are devestated, but so is she.  I'm not sure what you would be willing to do to keep your family together, that is a personal thing, but I would be prepared to offer comprimises, if that what it takes.

Your wife is scared, scared of the ridicule, scared of what will happen to the children, scared of what will happen to her, scared of what people will think (that's why she is willing to keep things a secret).  She probably thinks that she has failed in some way.  These are perseptions right now that if you want to you can correct.

Remember if you want to stay together, you are going to have to be stronger than you have ever been.  Talk and be prepared to make comprimises, even sacrifices.

I know this is a heart wrenching situation, and I wish I could do more to help and to ease the pain.  Just remember that we're here for you, just ask.

Take care

Steph

[Cassandra]

Hi SHelley,

I was away from the forum for a day and I come back to find you in quite a mess. I am saddened by your dilemma. Others have already said much that I would have said to you.
I noticed you said your wife only took one son with her. So There is something of hope there. Perhaps she is just sorting things out but reacting out of anger at what she sees as a violation of her trust in that this is a secret you have kept from her.

Whatever happens remember that for every door that closes a new one opens. Take hope and stay strong. We are here to support you so don't stay gone too long.

Cassie

[beth]

hello Shelley,

               sometimes a persons first reaction to shocking news is overreacting. it is possible your wife may calm down and listen and learn that your crossdressing is less of a threat to her than she first thought. i believe if you could find an experienced person to counsel you both, they could help lessen her fear. i do hope all works out well for you Shelley, your life is not over no matter what happens.

deleting your cookies, temp internet files and history after a session will prevent tracking your online use by other users of your pc. this should be done frequently to eliminate spyware, speed up your pc etc. anyway.



beth

         

[Shelley]

Hi Everyone,

As you can no doubt see I'm still here. I'm not really sure where I am at the moment but I know that my friends here are with me so I hope you will enjoy the ride.

Things appear not to be quite as bad as I first thought and your kind and sage advice is helping quite a bit. I say again Susan access to this site is a wonderful thing especially at times like this.

Lovely poem Deb and your right it is my own fault and I think that is something that my wife has a little trouble dealing with because of the way she found out and that she was given no choice early on in the relationship. Initially she said that she could be my friend but not my husband and she was sad that she could not support me in this. She said she felt deceived and betrayed. Things were looking really bad and I must admit there was an element that I have not revealed yet. That day that Tuesday when it all came to a head. Two things shattered her. The first it was our eigth wedding anniversary and some how I forgot it. This from the person who could quote the number of weeks we had been together. The date of our first kiss and she has the jewellery to match important milestones in our lives together. This therefore added to her growing concerns that were arising from reading my posts which I did not know. She also quoted posts back to me from people who where responding to mine thinking that they were me.

The second thing that even more so devasted her. Was that the name I chose for me goes back to when I was about twelve and took a liking to an older girl named Michelle. By coincidence this is the name of my wife. This as she saw it added to her dismay and disgust. We talked for some time on Tuesday and things were starting to calm down. I explained to her that while visiting this site that I had found myself and was happy as I was and I also tried to explain the diffenence between CD, TV & TS which at the time she dismissed.

We went to pick up my second child from school and things became much calmer again. We had to do some things at the local soccer club that night to which I bowed out and stayed home to make dinner. Before she left my wife kissed me. A good sign I think. When she came home we ate and when we went to bed although she slept away from me she at least slept in our bed. Last night we even held each other in bed. I think that things are looking up.

Yesterday I bought my wife the gold necklace that I had intended to by her for our anniversary. You are right Steph there will need to be comprimises on my part if we are to stay together. As you said Terri I need to stay on the right side of that sword. I am organising counselling to which she wants me to go to first. I am hopeful that she will come later. Your right Deb I'm not insane but I think my wife wants that confirmed 

I will take it now one step at a time. I am hopeful that one day I may be able to get her here to talk to you. You can be assured that I was looking for your responses Cassie, Steph, Deb, Beth and Terri. I also have to say that the speed of the response from you Susan was something that kept me in touch with reallity and assured me that I was not alone. I also thank you Cherrie for your supportive messages.

I read the new forum about suicide and although I don't think I was going down that road some thoughts did flash and a quick response to what was obviously a call for support quickly displaced any silly thinking. I think something along those lines might be of assistance. Something to think about anyway.

Well for now I'm off to mend some bridges and to forge some new ones. I know that I will have your best wishes with me and for that I am very greatful. I will keep in touch and tell you how I'm going.

Thankyou all for being there.

Love Shelley

[stephanie_craxford]

Well Shelly that's such great news.  I hpe that the relationship between you and your wife gets better as time goes by and that she will come to understand you a little better.

Keep those lines of communication open, and keep us posted.

Take care

Steph

[Terri-Gene]

very good shelly, just keep in touch with at all times being honest with yourself so that you know for certain you are being honest with others and whatever happens will leave you clear and at peace in your own councience and motives.  Do not tell her anything you do not actually believe yourself, but regardless of the consiquences be honest about what you know you will do or can't do.

Terri

[Shelley]

Hi everyone,

Back again, things seem to be going reasonably well at the moment and I hope your right Steph that my wife will understand me a little better through all of this.

I feel like I haven't changed and that as far as I'm concerned for things on my side I'm in touch with me as you said Terri. As for my wife, she has not yet spoken of the situation. So I'm just giving her the opportunity to digest it all and to approach me about it. She did say yesterday quietly that we had to do something. I think I need to help her understand it all but I think also she needs to take her time. As I think Deb said I have had almost fourty years to get here she has only had three days.

Fingers crossed I think she is going to stay with me and not just for the boys. It is so good having the people here as support. I also hope that she can bring her self to come here also.

Thanks as always.

Shelley

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Shelley

You are right! At this point in time, slow and steady is the way to go, try not to force anything or any issues on her, as it may take her a while to get over this realisation that she has just discovered.  As you have mentioned, I believe that it is important for you to show her that you really haven't changed, that you are still the same person she knew.

It seems as though you are both on the right road, just remember, those speed limits, as it will help avoid those bumps in the road ahead.   

We're here for you.

Steph

[Terri-Gene]

As you have mentioned, I believe that it is important for you to show her that you really haven't changed, that you are still the same person she knew.

I would have to take exception with that statement Steph.  from ones own perspective it may seem a little like the truth, but the reality is, as you get deeper into the psychological adjustment as you spend more time in female company and environment, you change in enough small and large ways as to make you very unlike the person you once were, it is just a part of the Evolution of Transition.

Basic core beliefs and principles do not change if they were firmly rooted to begin with, but you do tend to deal with them somewhat differently.  I know that in myself, a lot of my "hard nose" antics have to be taken with a grain of salt since while I may still hold the same beliefs and inclinations, there is much that I did in former years that would devistate me to do today.  It goes down to small things and the way I will relate to individuals in a close up and personal way.  I know I was prone to a lot of rage and hate and sometimes particular events or circumstances would provoke a very cold non emotional response that today would make me feel very uneasy with myself, though it still comes through on occassion and always distresses me afterwards.

All I'm saying is that one does change during transition, perhaps not always for the better, but there is a difference between the before and after.  It is subtle, but there non the less.  I know that if I were still the same person as before, none of this would have been worth it, something I did not realise when I started and I hope it goes further.

Terri

[Cassandra]

I will have to agree with Teri on this Steph, for most of the reasons she mentioned but also from the standpoint that Shelley is not the person her wife married. She did not even know about Shelley until recently. Most aspects of Shelley were not shared and are therefore foriegn to her. I would agree that all of us are basically the same people we always were, but subtle changes in perspective do take their toll. We are not entirely the same people we used to be.

From my perspective I see my old self as a construct which I built to protect myself and fit in as I was expected to. My heart however is no different than it ever was. I have been and always will be a very compassionate and giving person. That is my basic personality and it will never go away. It has changed however. I am more compassionate and giving than before because now I no longer have to hold anything back. I am free to be me, which is the person I always was. I am changed and yet I am not.

Also I relate to others as a woman very differently from how I used to relate to others as a man(ick!). Like Teri there are things and attitudes I used to hold as my former self that quite frankly disgust me to even think about today. Those attitudes have become so foriegn to me I can't even imagine how I was ever, or could ever have been like that. It was indeed another person. So in closing I would have to say I am not the same person that I was and yet I am.


Cassie

[stephanie_craxford]

Ooooop's sorry for that Shelly.  I didn't realise that you were transitioning, otherwise I would have advised you accordingly.  I thought that you were CD as this is posted in the CD forum.  Terri and Cassie have given you very sage advise.

Take care,

Steph

[Shelley]

Hi Everyone,

I really want to dive into this conversation becuase as your right Steph I am CD (no need to be sorry) the comments from Cassie and Terri are really helping in defining the difference from my perspective.

Thanks for your comments they really do help clear my thinking. I'll explain why a little latter. That's one of the things I really love about this place. The different perspectives. 

I'm about to take my boys to soccer and as I am the coach can't be late. I will be back a little later.

Update. My wife is starting to make comments about things on TV and I am replying with peices of information. It's helping I think. The door is definately open and she's peeking in. I'm just waiting for her to come in. I agree totally with you Steph she needs to guide the process.

Love you girls.

Shelley

[Debtv]

Hi Shelley,

It sound like to me that you have alot of common sence. You are right to give her time to try to understand. Many times when we first come out to another....we seem to 'gush'. This is understandable, but not in our best interest.

I have always felt a strong urge to explaine myself...but exspecialy about my tvness. From experience I know I did better with others by explaining myself as simply as I could...and mostly just by answering their questions.

I know, there is a lot to explaine...but the only folks who can understand...are other tg's. I mean we hardly understand it...let alone others. I have found that you never know how another will see it. People I thought would reject me...did not. You just never know.

Your wifes concerns are real and justified. She has to be worried about your commentment to her, what changes it will take, your kids, what others will think, what your expectations of her really are and even if you really love her.

So now it is her that needs understanding. Maybe make a plan, about how you will answer her concerns...I mean telling the truth about yourself...but back-up from the net supporting where you stand. Susans wiki could help you alot with that.

Good luck hon
DebTV