Devastated

[molly]

Shelly:

Thank you for pointing me to this thread.  It is a real eye opener for me.  The advise and progress noted on this post has given me alot to think about.

Lately I have been thinking that coming out will just be a formality.  I have been shaving under my arms and legs, tweezing the hair on my face, and talking about womans clothing etc with my wife.  Your experience really hits home with me.

Molly

[Shelley]

Hi Molly,

I am glad it has been helpful as you can see I thought also that my wife was on the same wavelength as me. The other important thing is to remember you are not alone. My first reactions were pretty dire but the people here, my other family, helped me through. Their support and friendship help me make the right decisions.

Good luck Molly with whichever way it goes for you and remember we are here for you.

Hugs Shelley

[rana]

Hi Shelley,
I agree with molly, what a tremendously important thread this is, your experience, its unfolding progress, the helpful and relevant advice given and its upbeat conclusion (maybe not conclusion but way point reached   ).  Thank God I came across this thread  much later, I read it with a sick cold feeling in my heart but was able to read on and find out that you were able to reconcile with your wife, that she loves & accepts you.
Could I ask this thou: was your wife aware that you were cross dressing when she was checking for your posts here?  Was her anger due to the fact that she did not know you had a feminine side, or, that you came here? I ask this because I had a similar situation - though nothing at all as awful as yours.  What surprised me was my wifes reaction not to rana, very surprisingly it was not as negative as I was expecting. But to my visiting TS chat her unhappyness in this took me totally by surprise.  I am wondering how important a factor this is to spouses?

[Shelley]

Hi Rana,

In answer to your first question I thought my wife had at least an inkling of my CDing but in fact had no idea.

Her anger seemed to be mostly that I hadn't told her in the beginning before she comitted to me. It also angered her that if I could keep my CDing secret was there anything else I could keep secret.

As to acceptance, that is amatter of degree. I think that she acceptsthat I am CD but doesn't accept Shelley all that readily.

I hope that you have been able to at least reach this comprimise with your wife.

Shelley

[Wendy]

Dear Shelley,

Yes we should talk to our wives.  However I have not because:
1. I am ashamed of feelings that I seem to have aquired at birth and
2. My wife is strongly against having sexual contact with a female.

I can appreciate my wife's sexual preference since my sexual orientation seems to be uneffected by whatever sex I am.

However over the past year my wife has stated something to me that was most astute.  She told me several times that I am unhappen with myself.   I keep denying her comment but somehow she knows something is truly bothering me even though I have not told her.

In general women tend to be more in tune with feelings than men and therfore I would be surprised if your wife was unaware that something was bothering you.  Continue to love her and she will mirror your love back to you.

.... note to Rana... Wives would much prefer husbands to discuss their problems with their wives as opposed to other people.  However Susan's Place has people with common experiences.  Reading these threads can be very enlightening and healing.

[Shelley]

Hi Wendy,

In general women tend to be more in tune with feelings than men and therfore I would be surprised if your wife was unaware that something was bothering you.

I agree that women are more in tune. The problem for my wife is that I was not and am not unhappy with who I am. I am actually quite happy to be the way I am and I don't really feel the need to share Shelley with her. I enjoy the opprtunity to share Shelley with those here but can quite happily keep it at that level. I guess that is quite different for others here but for me the experience is in how I interact with the world and I find my inability to "pass" doesn't really bother me. It's not that way for everyone and I respect that.

Shelley

[Wendy]

Shelley,

Thank you for sharing those details.  I too have enjoyed chatting with people at this site.  I had never shared any sexual identity issues with anyone and in fact denied sexual identity issues with myself.

I am glad that you are comfortable with you!

I do have one additional reason (and it is not a good reason) why husbands withhold information from their wives.  That reason is the husband feels the information will bring discomfort to their wife.  You felt comfortable with you and felt your wife would not be comfortable with Shelley so that you did not share Shelley with her.  If that scenario is correct then sharing that truth with your wife might help her understand that you love her.

[Shelley]

Hi Wendy,

If that scenario is correct then sharing that truth with your wife might help her understand that you love her.

In fact it was my wife who told me she was uncomfortable with Shelley so I saw no point in pudhing the matter. One day curiousity may get the better of her.

Unfortunately I have had a bad experience with someone who said they were supoortive and encouraged me to come out and then used it as a weapon. Not that I think my wife would but it just makes you realise how vulnerable you are if you are not prepared to live fulltime.

Shelley

[DawnL]

Unfortunately I have had a bad experience with someone who said they were supoortive and encouraged me to come out and then used it as a weapon.

This happened to me as well.  Be very careful who you confide in when first coming out.  I had a sister-in-law who said she was fully supportive but who then kept stabbing me in the back, all the while telling me she had my best interests at heart 

Dawn