I can't do this

[Lilly]

I did have the chance to come out to my father when I was 16-17. I was at my mothers house for the weekend (my parents are divorced) and while I was gone my dad cleaned my room and found ALL my girl stuff. Instead of saying, "Dad, I'm a girl", I threw a fit (immature for a 16 year old, i know) and asked him to let me live with mom. To this day I regret not telling him. My stepmom told me he thinks I'm gay, but I'm not. Should I come out to him? He hasn't shown any hostility since the incident.

[rejennyrated]

I did have the chance to come out to my father when I was 16-17. I was at my mothers house for the weekend (my parents are divorced) and while I was gone my dad cleaned my room and found ALL my girl stuff. Instead of saying, "Dad, I'm a girl", I threw a fit (immature for a 16 year old, i know) and asked him to let me live with mom. To this day I regret not telling him. My stepmom told me he thinks I'm gay, but I'm not. Should I come out to him? He hasn't shown any hostility since the incident.

Well if, as you say, he thinks you are gay and he hasn't shown any hostility to that then what have you got to lose? Absolutely nothing. Of course you should come out to him, and as soon as possible.

The truth is you can do this if you want to. The real question is whether or not you want to.

[Lilly]

Whats a good way to bring it up to my dad?

I'm also concerned about my ten year old brother. He really looks up to me and I'm worried how transitioning (when I get to that step) would affect him.

[rejennyrated]

Whats a good way to bring it up to my dad?

I'm also concerned about my ten year old brother. He really looks up to me and I'm worried how transitioning (when I get to that step) would affect him.

Well I think the way I would do it would be get a few beers in and sit around reminiscing about the past... then I'd say, kind of out of nowhere... "hey dad, you remember that time when you found all that female clothing in my room? Well I'd like to tell you the truth about that..."

But it really depends on how good your relationship with him is. I was lucky that I had a, for the most part, reasonably easy relationship with my step father (my dad sadly died whilst I was growing up).

There isn't really a wrong way as long as you do it in a fairly relaxed and easy way - no big dramas, no dramatic build up. My guess is that the more matter of fact that you can make it the easier it will go.

If you are at all worried about his reaction there is always the possibility of doing it in a letter rather than face to face. Letters are better than phone calls because both you and he get the opportunity to think carefully about what is being said before having to respond...

So if you can't do it in person or are worried that it might turn difficult, then letter first followed by phone call and/or visit. In the letter make sure you are HONEST and clear about how you feel, and if possible what you want to do about it. NO trying make out that you aren't going to do anything and that nothing will change. If you are going to come out you may as well start to be honest with people, and indeed yourself, that this is something that you are gently exploring and although you don't know yet exactly where it will go, it is important for you, and you are going to seriously explore it.

Finally I wish you good luck. That first coming out takes real courage, unless you are crazy like me and do it when you are five. In which case it takes no courage at all because you are too young to understand the implications. 

But either way once you are out, even if only to just one person, you will feel different, and provided it goes ok, you will find that the next coming out feels easier.

[spacial]

I did have the chance to come out to my father when I was 16-17. I was at my mothers house for the weekend (my parents are divorced) and while I was gone my dad cleaned my room and found ALL my girl stuff. Instead of saying, "Dad, I'm a girl", I threw a fit (immature for a 16 year old, i know) and asked him to let me live with mom. To this day I regret not telling him. My stepmom told me he thinks I'm gay, but I'm not. Should I come out to him? He hasn't shown any hostility since the incident.

Lilly.

This is a really positive point to go forward from.

[Lilly]

I'll come out to my father when I can, I don't see him much due to his job. The only times I really get to see him are at family picnics. There's 2 other people I'm concerned about coming out to, my mother and my grandfather. My mother isn't really "all there" and goes to therapy for depression, and I'm afraid coming out would make her depression worse. My grandfather is religous and I don't how he would take it. How can I come out to them?

[spacial]

OK Lilly, from the sound of it, your mother should be kept out of the picture for the moment.

Your grandfather obviously doesn't want to know.

Get yourself psyched up to tell you dad. Tell him everything. Including how you feel about him.

Jenny suggestion of a letter sounds like the way to go.

Write it on your computer, then save the file. Go back to it the next day. That way, you'll say all you want to and not what you don't.

Then, send it.

[Pippa]

I have been there so often over the last twenty odd years.   My parents know I dress but I doubt they know how deep the feelings go.   Finally after years of denial and reelapsing back to the male me, years of puncturing the dysphoria with hobbies and sports, none of which I particularly was good at, I have allowed the real me to develop.   

I still can't tell my family.   A mixture of guilt, fear and low self confidence keeps holding me back.   I am at the stage in my life where I cannot turn back again and the road forward to transition is the only viable path.

I would say to others, build the strength early as the longer time passes, the harder it can be.

[Lilly]

Perhaps I should see if my mother can get me my own therapist? Do I neccesserily need a gender therapist, or will a regular therapist work? I feel I will have to eventually come out to my mom and grandfather, because a)if i go through HRT my mom needs to know since i live with her and b)its in my grandfathers will that i inherit his house

[Debra]

I've decided to keep the male body I was born with. I can't come out for many reasons.....my family just got done fighting for 10 years, I'm afraid of surgery, I'm afraid of transitioning but still having a male face, I'm afraid of anti-trans violence, I'm afraid I'll never find love.....I just can't do this. As long as I still feel like a girl, I am a girl. I'll just never have a girls body.

Lilly I'd like to invite you to read my blog. 1 year and 1 day ago, I was in the same boat exactly as you...saying all of these things to myself and it did not lead to a good road until I was able to accept myself and start down the path to transition.

Hope it can be helpful to you. This is the first blog post I wrote over a year ago: http://blog.jericanation.com/2009/07/that-look.html . Read on to see how things progressed.

<3 Jerica
Post Merge: July 12, 2010, 03:33:03 PM

Perhaps I should see if my mother can get me my own therapist? Do I neccesserily need a gender therapist, or will a regular therapist work? I feel I will have to eventually come out to my mom and grandfather, because a)if i go through HRT my mom needs to know since i live with her and b)its in my grandfathers will that i inherit his house

I'd suggest a gender therapist. Just make sure it's not a religious therapist, ugh.

[Lilly]

Can you suggest a website where I can search for gender therapists in my state?

[rejennyrated]

Can you suggest a website where I can search for gender therapists in my state?

There are some therapists listed in the non forum section of susans here https://www.susans.org/Transitioning/Therapists/. But more generally googling "Gender therapist" and your state name should produce a starting point.

Oh and going back to your previous questions I think you should concentrate on your parents first and worry about your brother and grandfather a bit later.

I fear religious people can be unpredictable. Sometimes they can be really difficult, even offensive, and other times they can become your biggest defenders and allies. A lot I think depends on how you put it over to them.  So don't ever prejudge the outcome.

One think I would caution though. If you get offered "divine healing" by your grandfather I would refuse point blank to even think about thinking about thinking about it and RUN as fast as you can in a different direction.

I made the mistake of reaching out for such so called healing and in my experience all that happens is that you find yourself being pushed further and further down an uncomfortable path, getting further and further away from your true self, and becoming ever more repressed, angry and unhappy. They continually promise you that if you take just one more step of faith the Lord will surely act, meanwhile the desires continue unabated.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES go there unless you want to waste years of your life getting progressively more screwed up.

[glendagladwitch]

Can you suggest a website where I can search for gender therapists in my state?

Here's another one.  There's probably some duplicate info between this one and the wiki, and I don't how up to date it is. 

http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html

I'd be wary of just googling gender therapist.  I hear some nightmare stories from folks who have wound up going to someone who is not helpful at all, and even reveals months later that they never intended to ever write a letter for HRT.  Some folks who bill themselves as gender therapists are on a mission to stop transitioners.  But unless you live in Tundraville, Alaska, there is usually a local organization that knows the score about all the local gender therapists and can make sure you get a good one.  IF you PM me the state you live in, I'll try and help you find one near you.  I'd dimilarly be wary of taking just any gender therapist off of these lists.  You want to make sure they are going to be helpful before wasting time and money.

[Debra]

Can you suggest a website where I can search for gender therapists in my state?

Also note that surgeons tend to have lists of therapists. I found my therapist by calling Marci Bowers' office and they sent me all the gender therapists they knew of in WA state.

[Izumi]

I've decided to keep the male body I was born with. I can't come out for many reasons.....my family just got done fighting for 10 years, I'm afraid of surgery, I'm afraid of transitioning but still having a male face, I'm afraid of anti-trans violence, I'm afraid I'll never find love.....I just can't do this. As long as I still feel like a girl, I am a girl. I'll just never have a girls body.

Yeah i tried to put my thoughts and feelings in the back of my mind and try to live a normal life, didnt work, no matter how successful i was i was miserable, anxious, and mostly depressed, only one thing ran in my head since i was 5 and that was i wasnt normal and for some reason really wanted to be a female.  I waited and wasted a huge portion of my life because I was afraid, i regret not transitioning earlier to this day. 

Let me tell you this much,  what your doing right now isnt living, its acting.  Eventually you will feel stress from it like any other actress having to work for a long period of time. Once you drop the act you start living.  In my case i went from a total loser as a man to a total success as a woman, and all i did was stop acting like guy and just stayed true to my feelings and who i really was. 

Let me give you this warning though...
Transitioning isnt for wimps, it takes a lot to do it, and you have to be willing to give up everything to start and I mean everything.  Your family, friends, career, and possibly even your life.  For me the choice was easy, i was so depressed i was already slowly killing myself by food in hopes to get a heart attack and end all the pain.  So the choice for me was life and death.  Also, if you dont have a job then get one, if you cant live on your own with 1 job, then get 2, whatever it takes, you have to give 100% if you want to reach your goal.  When i decided to transition i went full on 100% and did everything i could to increase my chances of success, at many times i was down to my last dollar, i was unemployed, barely making it, but i didnt give up no matter how bad things got.  I also was afraid that when it was all over i wouldnt be passable, after all i didnt have much to work with, however the hope that everything would turn out ok kept me going.  I cant complain about the results:

me when i started(on a good day):
http://www.hawaiibd.com/10.jpg

me now:
http://www.hawaiibd.com/A3.jpg

All i really want to say is all the pain was worth it, for a long time i wished for 1 day as a woman, i would have given the rest of my life for one day, I have had 1 whole wonderful year, and many more to come.

I wish you luck in whatever path you choose, but know that nothing happens if you just sit on your ass and hope things get better, if they are bad, make them better yourself! you can do it, if its what you really want.

[Debra]

Amen to what Izumi said!!! =)

[FairyGirl]

Amen to what Izumi said!!! =)

and I totally second that! I too dove in head first, heart and soul, no turning back, no regrets. The cost was high, but I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life. It was more than worth it.

[Lilly]

I forgot to mention I have a biological female friend who lives in another state who knows both an FTM and MTF. I've been subliminally trying to hint to her my real gender, but she hasn't picked it up yet. I'm thinking about coming right out, no more hinting. She's the only female friend I have and consider her the big sister I've always wanted. I don't think she would judge me, since she knows 2 transpeople. Both her and my dad first, then I'll tell mom.

[Cindy]

I forgot to mention I have a biological female friend who lives in another state who knows both an FTM and MTF. I've been subliminally trying to hint to her my real gender, but she hasn't picked it up yet. I'm thinking about coming right out, no more hinting. She's the only female friend I have and consider her the big sister I've always wanted. I don't think she would judge me, since she knows 2 transpeople. Both her and my dad first, then I'll tell mom.

There is this old contraption called a telephone. People used to use it to talk to each other. Someone who looks a lot like me used it to call friends and say. Hi, how's things, there is something I need to tell you and since you are really important to me I wanted to talk to you. See I'm TG, etc etc.

Works really well

Cindy

[spacial]

I forgot to mention I have a biological female friend who lives in another state who knows both an FTM and MTF. I've been subliminally trying to hint to her my real gender, but she hasn't picked it up yet. I'm thinking about coming right out, no more hinting. She's the only female friend I have and consider her the big sister I've always wanted. I don't think she would judge me, since she knows 2 transpeople. Both her and my dad first, then I'll tell mom.

Lilly. It's great to hear you feeling more positive. It really is.