Why you will or will not succeed at transitioning

[Ellieka]

I just got home from work... well from a work party and a few drinks actually but work was just before that. I'm a little buzzed right now. OK, thats a lie too. I'm a lot buzzed. I've got more then a few  beers and 3 or 4  mixed drinks in me. so yeah... I'm feeling it.

I started a new job back in February as a waitress and its been a hell of a ride. I figured I was passing very well and my confidence was high but my income was, well, lets just say that unemployment wasn't working. yeah yeah, pun intended. I took the job out of desperation. I lost my job back in September of 2008 where I was making $40,000+ per year and decided that this time off would be a perfect time to transition. So I did.

Well unemployment was running out and I was desperate for income so one night while out for dinner  at a popular steak house with a close friend. I asked the proprietor if he was hiring. He says "actually yes we are" and I said, "great! when do I start?" I've been there every since.

Since then things have been a real roller coaster. There are days when I just want to blow my brains out but more often then not I am just grateful to be alive and living the dream. Most of the people I work with love me and are perfectly OK with who I am. The only trouble comes from those few ass hole customers who read me and ask my coworkers,  "is Cami a ->-bleeped-<-?" Now I know that some on here identify as a crossdresser or ->-bleeped-<- and that's cool but personally I  HATE being called that. My coworkers are a great group and they all ways reply with something like " she is a transsexual and we just love her" or "Cami is in the process of becoming a woman and she is very open about it, ask her if you have questions."

I hate to say it but it is only the Latino men that I work with that really have a problem with me. I know that given the chance they would kill me. Oh well, It must suck to be that insecure in your own sexuality.

We just had a family reunion on my mothers side and that was quite an event. I reconnected with family that I have not seen in over 20 years. It was amazing and heart breaking at the same time. My parents are very conservative Pentecostals and my mother told my aunt who was hosting the reunion that she, my father and two brothers would not be attending if I went. I called my mother to ask her about it. I said,
"so I understand that your are not going to go to the reunion if I go"
and she said,
"I have to take a stand for Jesus. I don't want anyone to think that I approve of your lifestyle. What would happen if the rapture took place and I was standing next to you? I would be left behind!"
I quoted to her a passage in the bible that says that when God calls his chosen home that there were will be two standing in the field, one will be taken and the other left behind.  I said,
"Are you really that insecure in your own salvation that you believe that God will judge you based on who you are standing beside?"
Her reply was "Well, I have to take a stand and I don't approve!"
My mother is a severe diabetic and is completely blind and unable to walk and on dialysis because of it. I told her that I would gladly give up a kidney for her but she refused because I have  "defiled my temple"

I said,
"So your going to let your own insecurity in your salvation and what other people are going to think of you stop you from seeing your brothers and sisters that you have not seen in 10 or more years ?"
And she says,
" Yes, I have to take a stand for Jesus!"

So then I told her,
"That's fine, that's your decision. Don't call me when you need help, Don't contact my kids and don't come to my funeral when I die!" And I hung up  on her. I have not talked to her since.

It hurts like hell because my mother and I were very close before I came out but that's all gone now. But I'm done hiding.

I am still very much a Christian and I know God gave me this trial for a reason. I love who I am and I love being alive. Life happens. How you choose to deal with life is all up to you. I can not change how people feel but I can change how it affects me. I love being Cami!

So the big one cane tonight while at an employee party hosted by my employer. It was our annual employee appreciation party and against my better judgment I went. Now as I mentioned before, some of the men there have a problem with me and because of this and a few others that were some what standoffish of me I had considered not going at all but some of the women I work with begged me to come so I did. I felt kind of like a wall flower all night but I made the best of it. I was on my way to the bathroom just before my taxi arrived when on of my co workers yelled, "Hey ->-bleeped-<-ot!" I ignored him so then he yells "Cami!" and I turned to tell him to shove off and he took and entire peanut butter pie and smeared it all over my face and hair

I was in tears and soooo pissed off as I went to the bathroom to clean up. Did I say all this to get sympathy ? No, I said all this to say this... If you are not prepared to loose everything and face hatred and persecution and even the chance of physical harm just to be who you know you really are then you will never succeed.

I love who I am despite what the masses think. So many guys are interested in me until they find out that I am a transsexual and then I never hear from them again and one even became abusive. But I still keep working toward the goal. I have lost every thing. My home, my marriage my car, my job, my friends and my family but I knew this was a possibility going into it all and I did it any way.

The bottom line is this. If your not willing to risk it all to be who you know you are inside then your not serious about becoming a male or female, which ever the case may be for you. It comes down to either ->-bleeped-<- or get off the pot. Stop bitching about, "if  my parents, family, or friends accepted me I would transition" or "if my wife/husband would stay with me then I would do it". If your not prepared to loose it all then you will never transition.

How bad do you want it? Answer this question and then be prepared to live with that decision and it's consequences. 

I see so many people on here that say "I depend on my parents or spouse to maintain my lifestyle and way of life" and the only thing I can think is this. When the pain of staying the same becomes grater then the pain of change then change will happen. If your not ready to make it on your own then you never will. If you want it to happen then make it happen. Stop waiting for the world to catch up to you. Discover your dream and then make it happen.

edit: language[/;i]

[Sinnyo]

Thank you for sharing. Those are chilling, but quite necessary-sounding, words.

[Silver]

"I have to take a stand for Jesus. I don't want anyone to think that I approve of your lifestyle. What would happen if the rapture took place and I was standing next to you? I would be left behind!"

That's pretty f***ed.

Good words, transition is a sort of desperate act by its very nature.

[Renate]

Since it was an employee party hosted by your employer when you were assaulted by a co-worker,
I would escalate this as far as it will go in your company.
This was sexual harassment. Many companies won't stand for it if you put it that way.
It might also be criminal assault.

[FairyGirl]

Hi Cami   sweetheart I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. My mother has basically done the same thing, telling me not to come to her house looking like I do () I think she's afraid I'll embarrass her in front of her friends or something. But I know how you feel and it sucks. I've lost family and best friends through all this and yeah, it hurts like hell. What you said about transition is true, but we can't let the negative parts get us down because there is a whole lot of good here too. I've also made new friends who accept me for who I am, and I have learned important lessons about unconditional love (the kind Jesus talked about). Our life goes on, better and better each day.

Sending you good thoughts and love,

Chloe

[spacial]

Cami.

I admire your courage.

Sadly, your mother seems to have been taken over by weird people. I have a niece who was involved with those people. She tried to claim a quote, something along the lines of, where two people are joined together.... to say that this was an instruction to attend church. I pointed out to her that Jesus said, that we must pray in a closet with the door shut. That to make any sort of exhibition of our faith is hypocricy. She refused to listen and said that she had been warned that the devil takes many guises and I was obviously the devil. 

As for the assualt. You can't ignore this sort of thing. They will do it again to you and to others. Assault is a crime and criminals must be dealt with. Not for revenge, but so they can be taught correct behaviour and to protect others. You do no-one a service by ignoring such behaviour.

[Kelli]

Cami,

I wanted to offer my sentiments of being able to relate with a good amount of what you wrote. From what I've seen, you speak the truth boldly and I commend you.

I've gone through much of the same struggles. At different times in my life, I've had to be willing to pull out all the stops and go after what I know is right for myself.

God's promises are fulfilled every day. Anyone that survives the transition process is living proof of that miracle.

Keep your head up girl!

[Hermione01]

Thankyou for sharing your story Cami. I'm sorry your relationship with your mother has broken down completely.

IMO, you should put in a complaint about the work colleague abusing you, that is sexual harassment as Renate has said, and if he is disciplined or even better, sacked, at least you are safe at work and he won't do it again to you or anyone else.

I understand what you mean about being hated for who you are. I have encountered this myself. Some people can ignore these ignoramuses quite easily, but if they're in your face, it is very hard. It's definitely worth growing a second skin and blocking out what is obvious hatred, and enjoying times with the good people who don't have hate in their heart and on their mind. 

[gail123]

At the risk of sounding a sour note I feel it's necessary to point out that Cami doesn't appear to be undergoing a successful transition unless success is measured by marginal employment, combined with a hostile work place, lack of family support, seemingly few friends, and a life style if not desperate sounds somewhat dreary. I salute her courage but her damn the torpedoes full speed ahead attitude is hardly a recipe I would recommend to individuals seeking transition, and I do object to her one size fits all advice to fellow sisters. S*** or get off the pot is not a plan of successful action it's the exact opposite.   I join everyone else in wishing her all the luck in the world.

edit: language

[Janet_Girl]

Hey Little Sis,

We have not talked or chatted in so long.  You have done so well, I am jealous.

Now as to your altercation with the moron.  If he is another employee, report him to the manager.  As for customers, if they don't wish you to serve them they can say so.

Your co-workers should say something if a customer is willing to listen.

You have always had a problem with the family.  If they do not wish to be around you then so be it, but their are not very Christian in their attitudes.

You have done well, despite what Gail may think.  i have seen you grow into the bright, energetic young woman you are.

YOU GO, GIRL. 

[Debra]

*hugs* girl. I can relate to the family and other losses. And finding a guy that's understanding AND attractive does seem to be hard. =(

[kyril]

Cami - I'm happy that you've found some measure of peace as the woman you are, and that things are looking up for you. But I'm worried about the advice you give:

It comes down to either ->-bleeped-<- or get off the pot. Stop bitching about, "if  my parents, family, or friends accepted me I would transition" or "if my wife/husband would stay with me then I would do it". If your not prepared to loose it all then you will never transition.

How bad do you want it? Answer this question and then be prepared to live with that decision and it's consequences.

I see so many people on here that say "I depend on my parents or spouse to maintain my lifestyle and way of life" and the only thing I can think is this. When the pain of staying the same becomes grater then the pain of change then change will happen. If your not ready to make it on your own then you never will.

There are enough LGBT street kids out there - no need to add more to the statistics. Some little trans boy or girl, 12 or 13 years old, in a hostile living situation with parents who don't approve, is going to read this and take it literally - s/he will believe you when you say "now or never." And s/he will come out to his/her parents, be rejected, and run away and end up on the streets, shooting up silicone or steroids, living in constant fear of rape, assault, arrest or hunger, taking desperately cold comfort in the fact that s/he is "making it happen." I wish I were exaggerating but this story is far too common.

I've been on the street. It's not worth it. The marginal amount of freedom you gain does not make up for the endless grind, the struggle just to survive, the constant fear. And it's only exacerbated if you're "different." If I had one piece of advice to offer kids in any non-abusive living situation, it would be "Stick it out until you're 18+ with a proper job and housing lined up, no matter what you have to do to keep your parents happy."

[Ellieka]

Thank you all for the warm sentiments. Last I heard the person has been suspended indefinitely pending termination depending on what course of action I take when I go back tomorrow.

Having said that...

I guess my main reason for posting this has it's roots in why I don't come here much anymore. There are just too many people on here crying about their circumstances and how they just can't bare to loose everything or one of 100 or more reasons why they can't transition. It's depressing and more then that it's annoying.

@Gail and Kyril. I have a wonderful support system and many wonderful friends that I love and cherish. My transition is going extremely well. I went form having nothing but the clothes on my back to getting a job and a place to live and even restarting my business. I live openly 24/7 as a woman with no shame or regrets. I love who I am and how far I have come.

I didn't post this seeking sympathy. I didn't loose a bit of sleep over it. I knew what the price and consequences were likely to be long before I came out to anyone. I made the choice to transition anyway. And yes it was a choice. There is always a choice. You may not always like the choices but there is always a choice.

I stand by my "sh*t or get off the pot" stance. Yes there are many legitimate reasons why one may not be able to transition at this particular point in time but you have to be strong and mature enough to accept the reality of the situation. If you can make it on your own and are willing to live outside your comfort zone for a while to be who you know you are then go for it and stop procrastinating. But if you know that there is no possibility of transition at this point in time then STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT!  Bemoaning the fact and crying "woe is me!" all the time does not solve anything. Yes we all need to vent from time to time and hell, I have even done it myself more times then I care to admit. But you got to realize... People don't want to hear about all your problems all the time unless you are paying them by the hour to do so. They are called mental health professionals and after a few weeks of listing to you they often will prescribe medication to make you stop!

Bottom line is this. If you can transition, do it! If not, stop complaining about it all the time.

I had to wait 32 years but it was worth the wait and all the sacrifice. I knew the reality of things and I never talked about it until I knew I could do something about it. As for young kids, there are many resources available in modern society to help kids cope and work though their problems. My parents punished me quite harshly when they caught me dressed at 14 years old and I learned then that there were things I was going to have to keep in the closet until I was mentally and physically mature enough to deal with it. People are going to hate you just for who you and if your not willing to live with that for the rest of your life then transition is not going to be easy for you. There are a lot of unpleasant things things you are going to have to be willing to live with and lots of things you will have to give up. If your not able to accept and live with that then your going to have a rough life.

Because I was able to grasp these simple facts, I am happy and at peace with myself and my God. I am thankful for everything I have been through. Because if it all I am who I am today and I love being me.

[Arch]

Cami, I can understand that you don't want to read other people's complaints. But please don't tell them to cut it out. For many, this is the only safe place for them to vent. This site exists for people to get the support they need. And if they need to gripe about their situations, then they need to gripe.

With that said, I hope your bosses can the SOB who assaulted you. He doesn't deserve that job.

[Ellieka]

Hey Arch (waves)

Not telling them to cut it out. Yes we all need to vent but some just do it in every post. I love to help a hurting person any time I can but some times people need a reality check. This is a great place to come for advice when your hurting and/or confused but once you figure it out it's time to take action, or not. I have met with several trans people from this and other forums that just want to play victim and have people feel sorry for them.

I want every trans person to succeed and often times the best advice is harsh. I had a therapist tell me years ago when I myself was always feeling sorry for myself. I went to her to get an anti depressant prescription refilled because I had become dependent on them. She looked me right in the eye and said "You don't need another prescription, you need to grow your ass up!" That was the best advice she had ever given me.

Now please don't think that I am against people taking medication for depression. Depression is a very real thing and some times drugs are life essentials. I'm talking specifically about people who want to play the victim but never want to change.

Some times a person has to rehash and talk about things to cope and get over them but their does come a time when you have to move on.   

[BunnyBee]

My sister told me the advice her therapist once gave her when she was struggling with her divorce, and that was that she needed to learn to be a stronger woman.  I really took that to heart and it helped me get through some of my own struggles.

I think it's good advice for people that get stuck, especially when it's because they are afraid or don't feel strong enough.

[FairyGirl]

That's very good advice Jen. I find it also helps me to tell myself I AM a strong woman now, and that has gotten me through some difficult times, including SRS and the slow recovery process.

Everywhere you go there are people clamoring over their victimhood, it's not a strictly trans phenomenon. Everyone is finding their own way through, and really being a victim is a state of mind we can break out of. I'm glad for this place and the support I've received here. I'm sorry for the people who are hurting, but sometimes all we can do is pray they find their way too, as we have, knowing too that it's damn sure not an easy road for any of us.

[jillblum]

Cami,
How do the religious right not hear the message of their own prophet?

I don't know which state you live in but harrassment by a co-worker at a work function is illegal here in CA. Further if your employer fails to correct the issue in a timely manner or allows or commits retaliation they are also commiting a crime. I would call the labor board and report it if you don't see immediate action from your company.

You really do have to jump in with both feet. You only lose the people you never really had!

[Dryad]

Hey, Cami!
First of all: Thanks for the heads up.

Now; I'm not complaining. I know I'm being held back by my own fears, and it's just a matter of time before that boat doesn't float anymore. I'm trying to push myself over on a daily basis, but the truth of the matter is: I have an irrational fear of official paperwork. It's hard enough for me to keep my finances, really. I know this, so it's not an excuse; it is an obstacle, and a reason for self-loathing.
Sooner or later, it won't hold up anymore, and like any obstacle I've had so far: Once it falls away, my life will become a roller-coaster of change.

Until then, I'll just keep pushing myself.

Again; thanks for the heads up!

[spacial]

Cami,
How do the religious right not hear the message of their own prophet?

If I may. I'd like to offer a response there.

These people, whether they profess Christainity, Islam or any other group of faiths, are not interested in the faith or the teachings.

They use religion as a political tool.