reading some posts i remembered that i actually used to be very persistent and so stubborn kid who never gave up and always had a plan. i think what changed that is i used to think that the future holds something for me , like i was sure that i will find something to live for , a goal , something i excel , and that i will have an effect on the world even as little as the light of a fading star in a very cloudy night ,this was enough reason for me to often do more that i possibly can, but i guess growing up and learning more about the facts of life ,that in fact there's nothing. or that the motivation i had as a kid was based on wrong facts. idk something made me make sure that i'm always realistic and that i don't have false hopes , something made me not want or not interested in life as whole , hence too lazy or have no desire to nor enough patience to try again or for a long time
i'm changing that , i will , i just hope i don't lose my will to actually change it heh , which is a scenario that happens repeatedly with everything
i appreciate everyone's input , thanks