The Dysphoria is Gone

[FairyGirl]

Certainly we need to consider such issues as our misspent youths or how we intend to assuage our maternal instincts before we go under the knife. These things are always going to be there. I have a good friend here who as a pre-op woman has adopted a daughter, is a loving mother, and couldn't be happier for it.  As for my youth, I was always female.

Curing dysphoria is about letting go of the past and embracing the future. Losing relationships is part of life for everyone. I lost friends and family over my transition and so have many others. Forget cloak and dagger terms such as "passing" and "stealth". Passing means pretending you are something that you are not.  I "passed" for years as a man when I wasn't one. This is about becoming the woman you were meant to be, and there are no other options. This is why the dysphoria doesn't return. If you start looking back, if you still see yourself as something "other", as if you are "passing", or "stealth", as though you were still somehow "transsexual" even after your body is corrected, then yeah, there very likely will be troubles. For the permanent record, I am no longer "TS"; I'm simply a woman, nothing more and nothing less. Surgery marked the end of my transition. Being transsexual for me was a temporary condition, not a permanent lifestyle. Being a post-op woman is permanent. You might say, it's a lifelong commitment. Know this in advance.

Colleen honey don't worry about dysphoria returning. For the great majority it does not. I am quite thankful and happy to live the rest of my life as who I am without regrets and without looking back. Look at the many women here who are 10, 20, 30 years post op and who love the lives they have built. Surgery is not a cure all for other problems, or the issues that should have been well considered beforehand. Those problems will still be there. Surgery won't make you into a woman if you're not one already, and you'd better be sure because there is no "undo". But If you have realistic expectations then your chances are very, very great that you will be pleased beyond what you ever thought possible.

For those of us for whom this surgery is right there is no feeling like it in the world, and I rejoice every single day from the happiness and peace that I have from finally being complete. I spent enough of my life miserable over gender; that time is over and my life has just begun.

[Jessica.C]

Wow Chloe, Good Stuff.

[cher_m]

Curing dysphoria is about letting go of the past and embracing the future.

In formal debate, I believe that is known as the formal fallacy, "cum hoc ergo propter hoc" otherwise known as correlation doesn't imply causation.  Maybe with a little non-sequitur thrown in for good measure. While it may be true that one who is dysphoric often has an intense awareness of an in-congruent past.  It does not prove a cause one to the other.  For me, the dysphoria returned when some coward (not sure who) went to a "close friend" of mine after investigating me at the county clerks office and disclosed my past.  When word spread through the group and people who previously exchanged hugs and kisses with me began, at best, extending a hand to shake, I challenge anyone but the deluded to not be struck with dysphoria. 

The issues with my family (my past) are quite painful and prominent now, but two years ago, it was "mom who?"  When one experiences the sudden rush away from her of all her friends in an instant, she will turn to her support network.  That group WAS my support network.  Family is always the fall back.  Any human being that doesn't have that fall back is forced to ask, "Why don't I have the same fall back as everyone else, I know?"  You won't be aware of it till you need it and don't have it.

Losing relationships is part of life for everyone. I lost friends and family over my transition and so have many others.

Did you lose all your friends and family?  ie your support network?  I retained one solitary individual and have often been content with that because I always knew I could make more.  Then you lose them.  Where's that support network again?

Passing means pretending you are something that you are not.  I "passed" for years as a man when I wasn't one. This is about becoming the woman you were meant to be, and there are no other options.

I agree.  I have my own issues with the words "pass" "stealth" and "transsexual."  But, if I understand you correctly, you're implying that you are and always have been a woman?  Then, I have to ask you, why is "this about becoming the woman you were meant to be?"  Weren't you always her?

This is <correction> one reason </correction> why the dysphoria doesn't return. If you start looking back, if you still see yourself as something "other", as if you are "passing", or "stealth", as though you were still somehow "transsexual" even after your body is corrected, then yeah, there very likely will be troubles.

With the one tiny exception, I agree.

For the permanent record, I am no longer "TS"; I'm simply a woman, nothing more and nothing less. Surgery marked the end of my transition. Being transsexual for me was a temporary condition, not a permanent lifestyle. Being a post-op woman is permanent. You might say, it's a lifelong commitment. Know this in advance.

I'm confused.  So now you're saying you were a transsexual?  Huh?  Then you weren't always a woman?

Colleen honey don't worry about dysphoria returning.

Hmm.  Ignore the man behind the curtain... pay him no mind... (Paraphrased from the Wizard of Oz)  We all know too well how hard it is to be completely honest and objective about the dangers of transitioning.  Heck, by the time we've reached srs, we've considered possibly hundreds (or more) potential pitfalls.  The ones we shy away from and quickly dismiss are precisely the ones we should be most certain of.  It's human nature to avoid difficult to reconcile tasks.  But, they're the ones that will always return to bite you.  I think it's important, while pre-op, to exactly worry about everything.  That's the precise time to do it.  Better then than post op.  You'll still probably go through transition.  I would have even knowing what I do now, but I may have handled a few things a bit differently.  Even so, I had a very easy transition.

For the great majority it does not.

How do you know this?  I'm post op 6 years.  This is the first time I've reconnected to anyone in the community in about 5.  Where are the tens of thousands who've transitioned and moved on?  Have they been polled on the topic?  Maybe they're happy as little clams and that's why they're absent.  Maybe they recognize the folly of reasoning with those less experienced who "know better."  Or, maybe, as in my case, I've been sensing a return of dyphoria for two years and absent during that time.  The reason is simple.  Transitioning requires a precarious balance of two often conflictual elements; positive energy and objective introspection (being realistic).  Neither can be compromised.  After srs, the latter more or less falls away and the positive energy pours forth from every cell in your body like an intense light.  It's a truly remarkable experience that I hope last you the rest of your life.  In any case, it has taken me two years to work up the courage to admit to myself, let alone a stranger, that the one post op key element, positive energy, is lost for reasons too complex for anyone to comprehend who hasn't experienced them.  I haven't lost hope in getting it back... not yet. 

My reasons for returning to the community are two fold.  One, I remember some nasty old "queen bees" who were less than compassionate and eloquent in their sharing of their experiences when I was pre-op.  I wanted to give it a go in a kinder, gentler manner.   I'm sorry if I'm being unsuccessful.  Two, while we may perceive an end to transition, as a part of the human race, we never cease to grow.  My recent loss of "positive energy" is not without due cause.  I came here hoping to find some clues as to how this might be achieved.

I am quite thankful and happy to live the rest of my life as who I am without regrets and without looking back. Look at the many women here who are 10, 20, 30 years post op and who love the lives they have built.

The vastly greater part of the iceberg is submerged... under water.  Any perceived trouble I'm experiencing now is a pot hole in the road.  To equate that pot hole with the road ending here is a fallacy without measure... a non-sequitur.  Not sure if that's what you're implying, but it kind of sounds like it.  I have no regrets that I transitioned.  Yet, had I not transitioned, I wouldn't have lost my family.  A lot of people have trouble understanding that.

Think of it like this... If only Martin Luther King hadn't gotten involved in the human rights movement.... if only Harvey Milk hadn't ran for public office.... Both might be alive today.  If either man got a mulligan, a do-over, I imagine both would be compelled to do exactly what they did the first time... because that is simply what was in their hearts.  But, I bet both might have hired better security!

Surgery is not a cure all for other problems, or the issues that should have been well considered beforehand. Those problems will still be there. Surgery won't make you into a woman if you're not one already, and you'd better be sure because there is no "undo". But If you have realistic expectations then your chances are very, very great that you will be pleased beyond what you ever thought possible.

Hmm... I won't respond directly.  I more or less agree with the sentiment, but there are some words and how they're used that just don't sit right with me.  I'll just say this... Out of the hundred or so girls I met in person who went on to srs, there's only one other girl who analyzed and anticipated more than I did.  We're both kind of perfectionists and anal in that regard.  The most profound thing I learned after srs was this.  There are things you will experience, emotions you will feel, that you have never experienced or felt before.  Most of us sense that part long before srs.  But, there are tons more, not anticipated, incomprehensible until after transition.  They didn't appear in any books I'd read.  I'd heard none of the girls I met speak of them.  I didn't see them mentioned anywhere.  Even now, for me, it's nearly impossible to describe.  No wonder I'd never heard of it before.

Think of the world as a single entity rather than a collective of 6+ billion people.  Think of that entity as driving an ice cream truck and it drives around giving everyone an ice cream cone and various points in their life.  Now, that ice cream entity always gives boys vanilla ice cream because they like it best.  It gives girls chocolate ice cream (because we all know how much we girls like chocolate).  The ice cream entity never varies from this.  For those of us born as boys, all we've ever eaten is vanilla.  Some of us might think it's great!  Some of us might think, eh... it's okay... I'll eat it if that's my only option.  And, some of us go, YECH! How can anyone eat this nasty concoction.  For mtf's, one day it occurs to them, some when they're young, some when they're older, if I become a girl, I could try their ice cream flavor.  I find the color is certainly more appealing.  Without being able to test taste the chocolate, they must make certain they're going to like it before they do the irreversible switch to being a girl.  Fortunately, almost all of them do like it after becoming girls!  It's the absolute best thing they've ever tasted.  Then it hits them... after all the analyzing they did before hand... still, there's no way they could have known how their taste buds would react to chocolate ice cream.  Wowwwwww.  "Aren't I fortunate," they think in astonishment.

I know the story is a bit cheezy, but that's about the best metaphor I can concoct to describe that one sensation... the most profound experience I had post op.

I'd fallen in love with several women in my life when the world perceived me as male.  I was convinced I couldn't love a man and even volunteered at a gay community center for a couple months early in my transition, full time, just to "see" if I might be gay instead of transsexual.  I mean, I'd been in denial about my gender in spite of obvious facts. Why not about my sexuality?  It did nothing for my dysphoria... or my sexual desire.

One day, post op... it hit me... hard.  A man I'd met post op and I started playing racquetball at the gym.  Four months later... I contracted "the love bug" and couldn't get him out of my mind.  Turned out, he felt the same about me.  Falling in love with him was like I'd never experienced falling in love before in my life... in spite of thinking I had, with women, numerous times.  The point is... even if you discover you aren't hetero after srs, there will still be feelings that you've never felt that will bowl you over.  Whether those feelings feel "icky" or like "home" will once and for all tell you if you're.... eating the right ice cream.  Honestly, YMMV.  This was my experience.

For those of us for whom this surgery is right there is no feeling like it in the world, and I rejoice every single day from the happiness and peace that I have from finally being complete. I spent enough of my life miserable over gender;

Can't be stated any clearer that that.

...that time is over and my life has just begun.

I would have said the exact same thing two years ago... four years post op and every thing was great.  My troubles were "ordinary"... boring actually.  My life had become mundane.  And that feeling was almost as good as the earlier honeymoon period shortly following srs.

All I'm saying is that it CAN come back.  It doesn't have to.  Never take that feeling for granted. Most importantly take especially good care of your support network.  We all need one to get through life, whether trans or not.  It's just that those of us who transition are commonly shunned when our pasts are discovered.  If your fallback support network is comprised of individuals unaware of your history, it can all crumble in an instant.  Take care to keep your family and friends if at all possible.  My humble advice is to go the extra ten miles to keep them...  In the modern age of facebook, twitter and intellius... none of us are immune to having our past investigated and rubbed in our face.  You'll be glad you have that mother or father there to help you pick up the pieces.

[deviousxen]

I sure hope I feel like this after this much time ;___;

No one ever says it will for certain. But do people who are MORE dysphoria get better satisfaction from it? Like more eruption, more relief?


Will I be happy ever?

[cher_m]

I sure hope I feel like this after this much time ;___;

No one ever says it will for certain. But do people who are MORE dysphoria get better satisfaction from it? Like more eruption, more relief?


Will I be happy ever?

Of course you will, honey... as much as humanly possible.  The world is full of people pretending to be happy.  There's a whole area of psychology behind that behavior.  Most never pursue happiness.  They just satisfy themselves with what they have.  Most of us on this forum aren't built that way.  We identify the source of our intense sadness and begin the introspection necessary to rectify it... however we find we need to.  I didn't intend to paint a bleak and hopeless future.  In fact, the opposite is true.  Those feelings I've spoken of will very possibly be the feelings that will define your life for you.  The first four years of my post op life alone were so positively splendid... if I were to be given the news I'd die tomorrow, I could die happy reflecting on those years.  Before transition, there was nothing for me to be happy about.  life is hard no matter who you are.  It will be fraught with ups and downs.  The one I'm currently experiencing I believe can be avoided.  And if I can help others avoid it, that's my desire.  You already know you have to be thorough in your decision.  I'm simply presenting another facet to consider... you support network.  I under valued the importance of mine.  And THAT is a HUGE regret

You'll be okay, hon... most of us were granted pretty good smarts
Post Merge: August 11, 2010, 01:37:09 AM

I sure hope I feel like this after this much time ;___;

No one ever says it will for certain. But do people who are MORE dysphoria get better satisfaction from it? Like more eruption, more relief?


Will I be happy ever?

Sorry, I didn't respond to your first question.  I'm not sure if there's a way to measure the amount of dysphoria one feels.  I imagine it'd be a moot point as theres nothing more than anecdotal evidence to suggest anything like you suggest, that I'm aware of.  I think one could mount an argument to say 'yes' to your question, while an equally good argument could be mounted to the contrary.  I wouldn't rely on your quantitative measure of your dysphoria for hope however.  There are many more reliable sources for hope which you'll discover on your journey.

You're going to be fine... just remember you're the master of your own destiny for much of the journey.  The more support you have the better equipped you will be to handle the downs.  (That goes for every human on the planet)  That support network (whether blood family or chosen family) will be an essential external resevoir of self-renewing energy from which you will replenish your own reserves when they become low.

[Nigella]

Hi all,

I'd have to agree that my gender dysphoria has gone since my surgery four weeks ago. It is so wonderful to be me and whole and when I came across this post I got to thinking about this and yes it has gone.

On a side note I was with my mum and dad who have been wonderful too and an old friend of theirs turned up and thought I was there son's girl friend (the son being the old me, lol). Cool, yeah? Isn't life soooooooooo wonderful even the pain of surgery and recovery is worth it, lol.

Stardust

[FairyGirl]

I tried to provide links to explain my meaning, based on Kate Grimaldi's definitions, but it doesn't really matter anyway. Yes I transitioned my physical body. That in no way means that I wasn't always female inside. My body now matches my soul, and in so doing I have become the woman I was always meant to be, ie, whole, and I can now better realize my potential. Natal woman also grow into the women they were meant to be, or else they don't.

Perhaps I should have said "to me, curing dysphoria is about letting go of the past and embracing the future." I had to and that has helped me. You said you were looking for answers. Take if for what it's worth. I do not have a single family member who supports me, I lost them all. I have 2 friends from my old life, I lost them all too. However, I made new friends. I neither hide nor proclaim my history and that works for me. Some of them know my history, some don't. I found a new family and they accept me as who I am now, not what my physical body used to be. I'm sorry you had a bad experience.

The vastly greater part of the iceberg is submerged... under water.  Any perceived trouble I'm experiencing now is a pot hole in the road.  To equate that pot hole with the road ending here is a fallacy without measure... a non-sequitur.  Not sure if that's what you're implying, but it kind of sounds like it.  I have no regrets that I transitioned.  Yet, had I not transitioned, I wouldn't have lost my family.  A lot of people have trouble understanding that.

I wasn't implying anything honey, just that there are examples here of women who have done well, and those are the people I look up to. anyways, I truly hope things get better for you soon. Damn potholes

btw I might mention that I moved from the U.S. to Australia to start a whole new life, pretty much leaving it all behind. I'm in the States currently but will be returning to Oz soon

[Kristyn]

In the modern age of facebook, twitter and intellius... none of us are immune to having our past investigated and rubbed in our face.  You'll be glad you have that mother or father there to help you pick up the pieces.

So very true.  This is why I don't post my pictures anywhere and why I limit my discussion of TS issues only to forums such as this one.  The only thing linking me to my "male" self are my federal documents which are soon to be changed following my surgery.  I work extremely hard to fit in to society as a female and I really don't need some jackass to come along and tell me that I'm not a female

[cher_m]

I tried to provide links to explain my meaning, based on Kate Grimaldi's definitions, but it doesn't really matter anyway. Yes I transitioned my physical body. That in no way means that I wasn't always female inside. My body now matches my soul, and in so doing I have become the woman I was always meant to be, ie, whole, and I can now better realize my potential. Natal woman also grow into the women they were meant to be, or else they don't.

Perhaps I should have said "to me, curing dysphoria is about letting go of the past and embracing the future." I had to and that has helped me. You said you were looking for answers. Take if for what it's worth. I do not have a single family member who supports me, I lost them all. I have 2 friends from my old life, I lost them all too. However, I made new friends. I neither hide nor proclaim my history and that works for me.

I meant no offense *hugz*  I'm sorry about your family.  Believe me... I know how hard that can be.  Funny thing is that I shed many tears at the time, but it didn't manifest itself profoundly until recently.  Would it surprise you that my "beginning" was precisely as you describe yours to be?  I hooked up with a group of lesbians who warmly accepted me as one of their own... that was about 6 months into transition, so you can imagine what I might have looked like.  We were all so close, that we spent holidays together, dinner etc.  We had about 12 women here one thanksgiving for dinner.  We entertained often and all grew very close.  It was during this time that I came out to my family.  I had my support network and the loss of family, though hard, was manageable.

Actually, the matriarchs of the group, two women who'd been together for 20 years split in a scandalous love triangle that split the group.  I opened my home to them for either one to live with me until they arranged their separation.  One stayed with me and my partner for 2 months before moving on.  The group was never the same after that and my disappointment in them and how they treated one of the women in particular was so horrible, it became the first real step for me into not trusting others.  It had nothing to do with me and was a traumatic event for anyone to experience (losing your entire network).  I recognize my, shall we say, less than stellar attempts to keep in contact with the individuals played a big role in that loss. 

In any case, it was a traumatic event.  I sought refuge in my family.  Oops... they weren't there, by this time.  Still, I persevered and found a new group of friends.  This time, my past was kept secret because there were no significant external reasons to question my sex.  This is the group that turned when my beloved coward intervened after two years of choosing a new family.  This was the best two years of my life.  There were other positive reinforcements like two years in school and 6 months working in a hospital as an intern.  Inother words, life was settling down from the "honeymoon period" of post op life.

Please don't be insulted when I say, you have many more experiences ahead of you.  I hope you never experience what I have recently.  While my case doesn't mean everyone has the same destiny in store, I at least have the courage to share it with you and everyone else here. I'm actually kind of surprised at how easily people in transition dismiss the experiences of those who preceeded them by many years.  It hasn't changed since I was where you are now.  I remember almost all those who were at my stage in transition (early days) were resistant to the older queen bees.  It wasn't without reason.  Some of those "bees" were real "b's" if you know what I mean.  Still, I wonder in reflection if those "b's" weren't that way because of the ignorance some of my "siblings" espoused.  I'm only trying to be kind... making myself vulnerable in sharing my experience.  I won't become one of those "b's"  It isn't my nature.  My nature is one that will permit me to silently slip away...  I'm not one to stay where I'm not wanted.

Some of them know my history, some don't. I found a new family and they accept me as who I am now, not what my physical body used to be. I'm sorry you had a bad experience.

Thank you for that.

I wasn't implying anything honey, just that there are examples here of women who have done well, and those are the people I look up to. anyways, I truly hope things get better for you soon. Damn potholes

Tell me about it.  There are only so many pot holes a car can take before the chassis falls out and the journey pauses while repairs are made, I guess. 

btw I might mention that I moved from the U.S. to Australia to start a whole new life, pretty much leaving it all behind. I'm in the States currently but will be returning to Oz soon

Interesting.  I knew a couple girls online who transitioned there.  To hear them tell it, the attitudes toward ts's is even more prejudiced.  Hopefully that isn't the case there any more.  I'd be interested in hearing your Oz experiences.  I find other countries and cultures fascinating.

Safe journey home... cheers

[cher_m]

So very true.  This is why I don't post my pictures anywhere and why I limit my discussion of TS issues only to forums such as this one.  The only thing linking me to my "male" self are my federal documents which are soon to be changed following my surgery.  I work extremely hard to fit in to society as a female and I really don't need some jackass to come along and tell me that I'm not a female

Ditto... BIG ditto.  A friend who had srs a year or so ahead of me is more or less well known and transitioned, on the job as a professor at a university.  Yesterday, I googled her and found some "boys" really bad mouthing her on a wiki forum and one even linked to her university staff profile page, complete with photo, which, by the way, she does NOT look like a man.  Disgusting.  I haven't spoken with her in years.  But, it's best to keep your picture (and email) unlinked to anything gender oriented.  It just helps avoid some of the pot holes. *shrug*

Plus, I've had people falsely accuse me of posting picture that were either of someone else or retouched.  And that was on non-gender affiliated sites.  I can't win.  *rolls eyes*  But that's another topic.

[lpfix2009]

So very true.  This is why I don't post my pictures anywhere and why I limit my discussion of TS issues only to forums such as this one.  The only thing linking me to my "male" self are my federal documents which are soon to be changed following my surgery.  I work extremely hard to fit in to society as a female and I really don't need some jackass to come along and tell me that I'm not a female

Show me this jackass, ill use a cattle iron and brand his butt with the words jackass !

[Jessica.C]

After reading about you experience Cher I feel so GREATFUL to have a great support group of friends and family who love me.  Your right we all need that. Hopeful you can find more support here.

I also agree that our happiness depends on how positive we can stay even when we are tested as you were Cher by some @SS_()&% digging up dirt on you, That's just awful!!! 

[Izumi]

Since my SRS I've become aware that my dysphoria is gone. I now accept and even love my body. The acceptance process is continuing as I heal, as I finally am allowing myself to fit in and to belong. I see others around me are warm and embrace my womanhood. It's not something new they see necessarily, but that they are responding to my own acceptance and absence of dysphoria that kept a wall between me and them.

For while I wondered why I am getting so much attention from men, and why are women smiling so much and starting conversations. I realized at some point that it is not them, but it is my own self acceptance that is making that happen as others react to my energy.

The cure was the right one.

heh it took you to SRS to figure out being happy with yourself makes everyone else want be around you? ^_^

Its really simple if you dont want to be around you, why would anyone else?  So yeah if your a pleasure to be around people will WANT to be around you... same was for me, even without SRS, i am just happy to live as a woman, however i will be even MORE happy after my SRS.  _^_^b

[Colleen Ireland]

Cher, thank you SO much for your honest, open and candid posts.  That is EXACTLY the sort of thing I need to hear right now.  It's really great to read (and hear) about all the wonderful success stories, but it's also important to hear about potential pitfalls and problems, and how big they can be, and where they might be hiding.  Especially when it's early enough to start thinking about how to avoid or mitigate them, or at least know what's coming.  THANK you.  I know it cannot have been easy to post those things, or even to recall them.

I went to a support group meeting tonight for the first time.  It was a REAL eye-opener also.  I will definitely become a regular there, I think - they have much to teach me.  There was a good mix of FTM's and MTF's, and even a couple of allies.  And a really good guest speaker.  I will also say that since starting to reach out and find resources, I have made more actual friends than I've made in probably the last 30 years.  Anyway, I really appreciate everyone here - thank GOD for this place.  I sure wish something like this had been available to me 30-odd years ago...