Hello,
I'm new here but unfortunately I cannot introduce myself properly because I suffer from a lack of definiton. The topic about pseudo-transexualism got me started but I don't know if that would be the right label for me. I'm not even sure if this is related to transexualism at all but I thought before I go see a doctor, this forum might be a good place to start as I peeked into other threads and have seen many helpful comments. So I'm putting all my virtual trust into you people and hoping you can say something valuable about the condition I might be in. Because if we know the condition we know the solution, right? Or don't we?
What I do know: I'm 30 years old and a biological male. And the problems start right here. I've always been a problem-solver, but now I feel I came to a moment in my life when I just cannot try to solve this problem all alone any more. The fact is, I recently started to feel the symptoms of depression on myself (severe mood swings, crying, cannot get up in the morning, etc.) and this is no fun at all.
Let me get right into the middle. Or the beginning. When I first tried on my mom's knickers, it was a few years before puberty so these memories don't have any sexual feelings attached to them - first important fact. I will always feel grateful for those innocent years but does this mean that I did it because I'm a TS or was it caused by pure curiousness? I've always been a curious one.
I'm asking this because I never expressed the specific desire to be a girl, not even to myself. Well, at least not until the last ten years. I remember vividly the moment ten years ago when I somehow surfed into some TS website (don't ask me how) and my face became red and I started sweating: is this really exists? is this all possible? And when I dug more deeply into the topic and found out that I missed ten years, I started banging my head into the wall: why haven't I told my mom about this, there was a solution! (Sidenote: my mom knew about my private "life" - we just never had the courage to talk about it. Moms know everything, do they?) But solution for what? Was I just being curious again or did I really have a serious problem? Be it either way, on the premise that I was already too late, I decided to go for a girlfriend instead; I never had one and I thought I should at least give it a try and see how it works out. So I did what many of you here probably did as well.
So I didn't want to be a girl in those early days; the whole CD-thing was my private hobby, just like so many other activities I took up later on. Hobbies came and went but this was the only one which has stayed with me the longest. And this was something pure, if that's the right word; with the other pastimes I always had the feeling of escaping from something Unnameable, like all my life has been one Great Escape. Eventually, as my body has became more manly through puberty I slowly gave up the -by then of course sexually charged- CDing because I wasn't feeling and looking petite and pretty anymore. I dropped it and never again picked it up ever since - except in my mind, but that's a lot of times.
Truth be told -second important fact-, I was bullied (only verbally) many-many times for how my face looks, right up from elementary school until my late teens. And you know what these kind of things do to a child's mind: they totally wreck it, for life. I was thinking about that a lot: had I born a handsome, or just an average-looking guy, would I still had/have the same feelings or wouldn't I? Because nowdays, every time I see a girl -even average looking ones- on the street I become overwhelmingly envious of her and get into despair: why I'm not like her? Do these make me a pseudo-ts? Escaping into a dream-world from the harshness of reality? Just wanting to be pretty again? And as someone has put it here very well, do we really need to address the causes if the desire is so permanent or we should just go ahead and fullfill it?
I don't want to carry this all over my life. This blocks me from being happy. I've never been happier in my life than I was when dancing around carelessly in the living room in my mom's clothes and stilettos. Back then I was about 8 or 9 years old and mother was in her 30s so she still had some beautiful clothes... The other 20 years which since has passed only brought me sadness. I somehow managed to get (escaped into?) a girlfriend in my twenties and enjoyed making her happy but all the time I was asking myself: that's very nice if she's happy but what about ME? How long will I have to wait? Okay, I've been happy occasionally, but that sadness was always lurking around the corner, inherent in everything I did or felt.
I know if I choose to transition I'd be outed from society because I'm 6ft with broad shoulders and a face which would need serious FFS work even just to start a simple RLT. I'd have no friends, no partner, no job and probably my parents would out me too (but that's a common one as I've heard). So transition is not for me I guess. But then again, I've already lost all my friends through the years because I became so antisocial and couldn't get a gf for the same reason - and if I could I know I'd feel I'm cheating on her with my thoughts and that's not fair game. I played it once and don't want to play it again. So now my only contact with society is my job but to what end? If I don't have a life to live then what's the whole point?
I read somewhere that if someone's unsure about his/her condition, they might try self-medding, which is of course risky but gives one's a chance to "surely know". I did it and I really liked the calmness and lightness which came with it but I became more and more depressive when I thought about the outcome of it and did not understand why I was doing something which would cut me off from society even more than I'm now. But as I stated above, is there an "even more" for someone who has noone? So I stopped the meds because I felt I'd soon jump down from my balcony if this continues. But the strange thing is that the depression was probably not caused by the pills: it has remained because now I don't have the sense of going for something which could change my life. So I'm stuck again and I miss all the good feelings the hormones gave me. And to top that, during the therapy I got a mild gyno (I knew I would) and I don't know what would a gf say about that. I don't want to remove it because that would hamper my chances of an eventual future transition... Talk about catch-22. Luckily, a gf is not an option for now.
Basically, that's all. I don't want to lie, neither for my possible future partner nor for myself. I don't want to be someone's Woman though it would appeal me more than being someone's man. I mean, I never cared about my genitalia, I have what I have, but I cannot play The Man in this society anymore. Does this make me an androgyne? Or if we put together all those above facts, do they make me a "real" TS? And does it matter what all this makes me? All I want is to live in truth. But where is it and does it exist at all?
Thanks...
IronKate
(Sorry for being too long. I tried to cut it but I couldn't.)
Edit: I forgot to mention that I was thinking about having a partial FFS so I could still pass as a male but at least I could go on RLT. But this would consume all my saved money and I feel it's worthless if I don't have a diagnose first.
