For Those Who Didn't Know as Little Kids...?

[Dante]

I'm one of those people on this forum that didn't know that I wanted to be a boy until puberty (there were signs, but I missed them by a mile). It's been at least 4 years now, but I still worry that my feelings aren't real (a phase, caused by some weird other problem, etc.), and that it'll pass and I'll have another thing in my past to look back on with extremely bad feelings. Any "phase" I've had in my life was over in under a year, so by simple logic it's probably here to stay, but I just can't put my mind at ease. I'm just so scared of my feelings being fake. So, I have a question for the people here that are in a similar situation:

How long did it take before you were sure that it wasn't a phase? How many of the people in this situation are post-op now?

And a statistical question:
About how many people who feel this way at some point in their lives end up changing their minds (don't feel that way anymore, or went through surgery and decided to change back)?

Please help me out. I can't stand how bad I feel. I think, of all things, I'm most scared of that possibility. I can handle being trans (I hate it, but at least I can plan how things will be, and I can look forward to something) even though I hate it, but I'm deathly afraid of my feelings suddenly changing and leaving a huge dark spot in my past. 

Any help, comments, etc. would be appreciated! Thanks in advance.

[Nero]

Do you have a therapist specializing in gender issues? What does he or she say about it?
I don't remember the exact statistic, but ftm regret is supposedly very low, about 1%. Course that doesn't help you if you happen to be one of those 1%.

It's best not to transition until you're sure. I'm not sure the past is the best indicator. How do you feel about your gender now? How do you feel about being a woman? How do you feel about being a man? Do you think you could handle being buried as a woman? (Kind of weird thing to ask but imagining being buried with tits and a female name on my stone was a great motivator). Or is there some compromise with which you could be happy without a complete transition to male? This doesn't have to be an either/or thing. In the end it's not really about being a man or a woman but about being you.

[Dante]

No, I don't have a therapist. I asked my parents a long time ago, but it never happened. Maybe they forgot or maybe we just can't afford it...

And I HATE thinking of myself as a woman! It seems disgusting, and I hate when people call me a lady or a girl, because I hate thinking that they see me like that. It bothers me so much I normally tell people not to call me a lady or a girl if they do, even if they don't know I'm trans. My breasts traumatize me every day; I can't stand looking at them. It practically makes me sick.

Being a man is like a dream to me. I wish so badly that I had a flat chest, and male parts. It kills me to think how impossible it is for me to ever be a normal guy.

It is an odd question, Nero, if I would be ok being buried as a woman. I'm just as opposed to that idea! To be permanently marked as female, for the rest of eternity, and to be remembered by my friends and family as a woman is like a nightmare.

But even feeling that strongly, I'm still scared. I never wanted to have to wait for surgery, but now I'm thankful, because by that time I'll be sure of myself. I don't understand why I'm so afraid, but it's giving me panic attacks whenever I think fully about it.

[Sinnyo]

It took me until the end of puberty to work all this stuff out. I've had a few leanings in the past, upon which my enlightened spotlight shines and makes me realise I may have been at this for a while. To tell you the truth though, the idea I could even be a girl had never seriously crossed my mind until the last year of university. I spent a good 4 or 5 months just dealing with that: wondering why I could even arrive at such a quite bizarre notion; and the idea that the previous time I'd spent as a guy haven't really been the best path for me.

What Nero says rings true for me too. I'd never really had cause to embrace my gender until university, and I felt far more feminine than I thought I would, so I'm running with that. My teenage years were something of a blank as I ambled awkwardly about, quite unsure of myself. Things feel good now though, when I do get the chance to 'feminise' (this transition's running in fits and starts just now).

[pebbles]

I wasn't dysphoric until puberty age 10 or 11 it's not that uncommon and I didn't even ID myself as trans until I was 19 and there isn't any universal "right" trangender tale. People realize when they do.

[sneakersjay]

I had all these feelings as a teen but had NO IDEA it made me trans or that there was anything I could do about it.  I thought I was just a weird tomboy.  Ha!

So when I finally realized, DUH, that I was trans I was 47 years old.  Try having lived half your life as a woman (and not too badly despite the dysphoria and all), then realizing THERE WAS A CURE!!!

I was scared ->-bleeped-<-less.  I'm a very private person.  I was terrified to come out; terrified to transition.  I went to not one, but two gender therapists.  Why?  Because if I was NOT trans, if there was some other possibility that it was something else that wouldn't involve having to announce to the world my business, I was gonna be all over that.

Ha.  Both therapists actually diagnosed me as trans within 5 min of meeting me (though they went through the full list of questions, etc).

But then knowing I could fix things, the harder it became to stay in F mode.  Two years later, my transition is complete.

Jay

[spacial]

unforgiven.

There are some people, born male who didn't realise their dysphoria until later, usually pubitry.

There are some people, born female who realsied much earlier, 4 years of so.

But I have noticed, on here and oter similar forums, that generally, most born male tend to feel wrong at about 4 or so, while those born female tend to feel wrong later. this is pure observation. Hopefully some can say differently, but I don't want to start any dispute.

As for your doubts. Welcome to the real world.

Doubt is part of life. Getting married, there are doubts right up until you say, I will. Believe me.

As nero says, you must feel certain. I doubt you will get very far unless you do, in any case.

But the doubt about this and every decision you will ever take will always be there. It's a self doubt really. A lack of belief in yourself.

Eventually you will learn to say, OK and just jump.
Post Merge: July 22, 2010, 05:54:42 AM
As for number who regret.

This would appear to be quite small.

I say this because, political groups claiming to be churches, along with politicians and reactionary medics love this stuff. When ever they can, they wheel these people around as examples.

Since this is quite rare, I think it's reasonably safe to assume that few have serious regrets.

[Jam]

For me it was very strange....like having a disease and not knowing what it was. There were symptoms, i knew something was wrong but for the life of me i didnt know what. Even as a child and teenager going to bed and hoping i'd just wake up male didnt seem to click. Mid-way through my teens i do remember discovering i liked girls and only girls and having a reaction something along the lines of 'oh SH*T' and right after i thought what if im trans. I've never felt more sick in my entire life, it felt like my stomach was past my feet and banging a hole in the floor. That thought was quickly pushed to the back of my mind and despite constantly wishing i could just be male i never allowed myself to think i could be trans again for 4 years.

The 4 years ended on the discovery my friend regularly looked at ftm pictures. On seeing these and frankly being amazed at the results i spent a good couple of weeks unable to get it out of my mind. The dots all connected together and i just knew, it wasnt like i'd just realised in a way it was like id subconciously known all along. I told my friend who turned out to be the same and now we are on our way to starting our lives. If i hadnt seen him on those websites i dont know how long it would have been before i realised.

Do i worry i might be making the wrong choice? of course, even when im 100% about something if i know the stakes are high i still worry. Its a massive life changing descision that can cost friends, family, your job as well as other things. Its only human that you worry about that

[Nathan.]

I had all these feelings as a teen but had NO IDEA it made me trans or that there was anything I could do about it.  I thought I was just a weird tomboy.  Ha!

I was the same. If someone had told me it was possible to be ftm I would have known earlier but I had no idea. I was 17 almost 18 when I realised I was trans and everything fell into place. I never had any doubts till I realised I could be on T soon but think it's normal and healthy to have doubts.

[Dana_W]

I think a big factor in feelings coming earlier in childhood is whether or not you were expected to adhere to strict gender roles as a child.

That expectation started for me right about aged five (kindergarten), and that's about the point the feeling "something is really, really wrong here" started. I'm not sure anything would have hit me before puberty if boys and girls were treated pretty much the same. Puberty is definitely the first time the feelings moved beyond the abstract in into concrete and terrifying for me.

So I would say, don't worry so much about when the feelings arose as what you're gong to do with them now.

[Vin]

For me it was very strange....like having a disease and not knowing what it was. There were symptoms, i knew something was wrong but for the life of me i didnt know what.

That's how I feel. That's how I've always felt. Though it's starting to make a bit more sense the more I think about it. Hm. I'll get there. I hope. x.x

[justmeinoz]

I thought it was a phase too, trouble is it lasted 40 years!
All through my teenage years I felt like a jigsaw puzzle that had been put in the wrong box.  The pieces seemed to fit together but no matter how I tried it never looked like the picture on the lid.
Career and family detoured my life  the long way round, but I am back on the road I was on,  with a roadmap this time.
Doubts will always pop up but they will subside too, each time you take a step forward.

[Nicky]

Mmm, I always knew something was wrong since I was very little. I did not know why though. I was definitely dysphoric after puberty. I thought I was gay, a cross dresser, trans, androgyne. Just tried them on for size. Weirdly it has only been this year I identified as a woman. A year before that I really just created space to explore, working with a counselor, and my exwife. I started wearing womans clothing half the time in my everyday life, and towards the end of that year started on sprio, and then it just all clicked. I woke up one morning and I knew I was a woman. That was about 6months ago. I'm 33.

[kelly_aus]

Like others have mentioned, I also grew up with a feeling that something was wrong - but was never able to identify what it was.. I tried out being straight - major FAIL.. I tried being gay - kinda FAIL.. it was only in the few few months or so that I allowed myself consider that I may be a woman.. And now that I have I feel more comfortable about who I am.. Just need to deal with the what I am side of things now..

[jmaxley]

I realized I liked girls when I was 25...two weeks after that realization, I realized I was trans.  It was a bit of a nightmare there for a month or so until I was able to accept it.  Looking back, there were signs when I was a kid...  Fast forward a few years later...I still have doubts whether I want to transition.

[Dante]

Wow, thanks for all the replies!

I think there are two problems which are making me so doubtful; one, I can't take any steps in the direction of transition (just therapy. I can't ask for male pronouns, or anything like that), and two, I'm simply a very rational person. I never really payed attention to my emotions as a child (maybe why I didn't realize sooner), and so I find it really hard to trust them. Now I'm completely overwhelmed by my feelings, and I'm in a situation where how you feel is the major deciding factor. I can't prove to myself my feelings are true because there's no concrete proof of it, and that bothers me subconsciously, even if I've tried to accept it.

I guess, in the end, I just have to live with the fact that I have doubts. But all your stories make me feel better about my situation. Maybe in another couple years my doubts will settle a little more, and maybe I'll be able to get to a therapist. Thanks for all your help!

[Izumi]

I'm one of those people on this forum that didn't know that I wanted to be a boy until puberty (there were signs, but I missed them by a mile). It's been at least 4 years now, but I still worry that my feelings aren't real (a phase, caused by some weird other problem, etc.), and that it'll pass and I'll have another thing in my past to look back on with extremely bad feelings. Any "phase" I've had in my life was over in under a year, so by simple logic it's probably here to stay, but I just can't put my mind at ease. I'm just so scared of my feelings being fake. So, I have a question for the people here that are in a similar situation:

How long did it take before you were sure that it wasn't a phase? How many of the people in this situation are post-op now?

And a statistical question:
About how many people who feel this way at some point in their lives end up changing their minds (don't feel that way anymore, or went through surgery and decided to change back)?

Please help me out. I can't stand how bad I feel. I think, of all things, I'm most scared of that possibility. I can handle being trans (I hate it, but at least I can plan how things will be, and I can look forward to something) even though I hate it, but I'm deathly afraid of my feelings suddenly changing and leaving a huge dark spot in my past. 

Any help, comments, etc. would be appreciated! Thanks in advance.

It only took you to puberty lucky~

For me only when i looked back i knew when I was 5, thought it was a phase till I was 30 LOL.  It doesnt go away, it just gets worse.  At least you are doing something about it now, I feel terrible everyday that i waited so long, if only i did this before my teens... all those years wasted...

Doubts are normal, being scared is normal, you really need a therapist to show you if this is what you really want.  Its not easy, its really hard to transition, and as for will you pass, FTM's have a lot easier time them MTF's.  T is super strong, it will make changes you wouldnt believe, if you start young enough even better.  I am not kidding that I have seen some sexy built FTM hunks.  This one guy just blew me away at how much i wouldn't in a million years know he was FTM.  He started at 16 and finished about 18-19ish, had breast surgery which removed the mass.   Looked really good.

The main deciding factor for me was my lack of wanting to live.  No matter what i did things didnt make sense, its like living in the matrix, you accept what is around you, but at the same time it makes no sense, you dont understand why things are harder, normal guys do this, why cant I, maybe if i get married everything will be better, maybe it will go away... NOPE.

You only get more depressed as you age, till finally the depression and anxiety is so much it comes down to a life or death decision, like in my case.  Then after you do it and live the RLE, you wonder how stupid you were for waiting this long....

but seriously see a therapist before doing anything drastic and just tell them the truth.
Post Merge: July 22, 2010, 03:17:47 PM

Wow, thanks for all the replies!

I think there are two problems which are making me so doubtful; one, I can't take any steps in the direction of transition (just therapy. I can't ask for male pronouns, or anything like that), and two, I'm simply a very rational person. I never really payed attention to my emotions as a child (maybe why I didn't realize sooner), and so I find it really hard to trust them. Now I'm completely overwhelmed by my feelings, and I'm in a situation where how you feel is the major deciding factor. I can't prove to myself my feelings are true because there's no concrete proof of it, and that bothers me subconsciously, even if I've tried to accept it.

I guess, in the end, I just have to live with the fact that I have doubts. But all your stories make me feel better about my situation. Maybe in another couple years my doubts will settle a little more, and maybe I'll be able to get to a therapist. Thanks for all your help!

Heh, slow down you just dont jump into this, take your time and do it right.  You dont need to start making people call you him or her or whatever until you are full time or at least part time, and by then they probably already will by your appearance.  In TS groups they will call you whatever you want so you can always feel good about yourself then.  You know when a 3 year old kid on the street calls you what you really feel you are, that your in a good place.

As what you are feeling thats normal, i was kinda happy living as boy until puberty, I just had weird behaviors, while everyone else bonded to the male characters in tv shows, i bonded to the female ones, I took more feminine rolls in pretend play, i felt awkward in groups of guys, but not in groups of girls, my best friend at 5 was a girl my age, my mom thought it was cute... heh... anyway, when you hit puberty thats when it hits you like a ton of bricks.  Suddenly things go difficult, why the hell did i want to be a girl so bad? why did i want to wake up one and wished being a guy was a bad dream
?.... maybe if i ignore it, it would go away, never did.  Asked my guy friend honestly if he ever thought about being a girl, he said huh.. no, i think more about being with a girl heh~  He said after "honestly no....why?"

hope this helps, maybe you had similar experiences.... as a child we are more true to our nature then any other time.  Look back and ask yourself, did it really go away? was this really a phase? or has that defined my actions all these years....

[spacial]

Unforgven

I went through a period where I believe that transgender was a symptom of a, perhaps minor, schizophernia. This was when I was in the latter stages of my 10 year nursing career and for a few years after.

Dilusions are a feature of schizophernia. A firm and unshakable belief in something that has no rational basis and which is not part of the individual's cultural background. A belief that I could be a woman while having a man's body, seemed to fit nicely into this.

I stopped accepting this a few years later when I reconsidered the evidence.

There are no other symptoms of schizophernia. For most mental illnesses, they must be more than one symptom, usually at least 4. The problem I had with this was the only baseline I had ready access to was myself. It is extremely difficult if not impossible, and perhaps dangerous to diagnose yourself. But eventually I was contacting some others with the same problems, though their actual symptoms did vary.

I discovered that, in what I understand to be the vast majority of cases, the symptoms, gender dysphoria, depression, anxiety and so on, were alieviated if not eliminated by encouraging and assisting with transision to the desired gender.

It isn't my place to tell you if you have gender dysphoria or anything else. That is for you. But I can say, with as much certainty as I am able, that whatever its causes, for those who want to proceed, transision to their desired gender does indeed virtally cure the problem.

[Dante]

I'm not trying to rush; I don't want to make a mistake. I just wish there was something I could do to make myself feel better in the mean time.

I think I'll share a few short stories about my childhood; maybe that will shed some light on what I have to go on for "evidence".

When I was in kindergarten, my mom put me in a dress several times, and I was upset because I couldn't go and play on the playground with everyone. I never really hated the dress for being something a girl wears, just for hindering my ability to do the things I liked. I knew subconsciously that there was some difference between boys and girls, but it was more like "I'm a girl and you're a boy. I'm supposed to do this, you're supposed to do that." There was no real understanding of why it was that way. I always kinda wanted to play with the boys, who would run around on the jungle gym and play, but regardless of that, I played with the girls because the boys wouldn't play with me. Either that or I rode around on the little bikes we had on the concrete. I always enjoyed that.

I always felt there was something about me that set me apart from everyone else, but I just thought that I was smart (I'm not bragging, just stating a fact; I was pretty smart for my age [and mature], and my school grades reflected it up until the 6th grade, where everything took a turn), so I never really thought much into it. But I never could tell why I was upset most of the time, and I never told anyone about it.

There were other random thoughts in passing. Once, I thought I wanted to marry my best friend (who was a girl), and I immediately thought that that wasn't ok. It was a childish thought, but it's one of my most vivid memories.

I never really thought "I wish I was a boy." I mostly just thought "I wish I could do boy things, too." I also never really thought about becoming a woman; I always thought of growing up and having a job, but I never thought of having kids, or being a woman; in most of these thoughts, I was mostly genderless.

So, that's some of the "evidence" that I have. There are more things I remember, but I don't want to bore you all. Some of these things would point to the fact that I might be transgender, but I never caught any of them. Maybe it was because I wasn't thinking of the right things, or maybe it was because I didn't even know that it was possible for a girl to want to be a boy. It's up to my imagination to fill in the blanks there. And that's what makes me so unsure of myself. But I know I've never felt this strongly about anything in my life before. 

Also, I just thought I'd mention that I've never had any of those type of "self-discovery" phases before (like when you experiment with being gay or being goth, etc.). I became pretty girly just before I realized I was trans, though. It felt like I was forcing myself into "growing up", so I'd stop thinking about wanting to be able to do boy things. I always felt hindered by my breasts, and stupid me always forgot to wear a bra >_<. I also tried to force myself into liking boys, but I never did. I currently have never had a crush on anyone, male or female, and it was really annoying as a kid because all the girls would ask who I liked and would never believe me when I told them I didn't like anyone. None of it ever really felt right.

[Debra]

I'm one of those people on this forum that didn't know that I wanted to be a boy until puberty (there were signs, but I missed them by a mile). It's been at least 4 years now, but I still worry that my feelings aren't real (a phase, caused by some weird other problem, etc.), and that it'll pass and I'll have another thing in my past to look back on with extremely bad feelings. Any "phase" I've had in my life was over in under a year, so by simple logic it's probably here to stay, but I just can't put my mind at ease. I'm just so scared of my feelings being fake. So, I have a question for the people here that are in a similar situation:

How long did it take before you were sure that it wasn't a phase? How many of the people in this situation are post-op now?

And a statistical question:
About how many people who feel this way at some point in their lives end up changing their minds (don't feel that way anymore, or went through surgery and decided to change back)?

Please help me out. I can't stand how bad I feel. I think, of all things, I'm most scared of that possibility. I can handle being trans (I hate it, but at least I can plan how things will be, and I can look forward to something) even though I hate it, but I'm deathly afraid of my feelings suddenly changing and leaving a huge dark spot in my past. 

Any help, comments, etc. would be appreciated! Thanks in advance.

Hi Hi. I have found myself to be fairly well in the minority that I didn't really KNOW clearly about any of this until I was 27. There were signs when I was little but I ignored them and subconsciously was able to ignore it for that long. If you want to read my story, it's here: http://blog.jericanation.com/2010/02/girl-nobody-knew.html .

It has been hard off and on to work through this because of so many people knowing when they were kids. My therapist didn't seem to doubt me though and that helped. Still, each step I took, I made sure that it was what i really wanted and it felt good....my counselor stressed that I could stop at any time or at any point in the process.

You are right to be sure of your feelings. You have to be ready to make sacrifices too , most often. My wife of 5 years left me and my parents disowned me and of course my church excommunicated me. I was able to keep my job and have a wonderful support system thanks to many many good friends. I'm just saying be prepared to lose some things and if you are sure enough of your feelings then know you are not alone.

For me it became more and more painful to have to go back to being a guy and as transition continued, I found validation after validation as well.

*hugs* Hope you can get things figured out.