Shame and struggle

[greginprogress]

So I accept that medically I am transgendered.  Biologically, I am female.  However, I am a man.  I hate being called, thought of, identifying as trangender, and especially cringe at "transexual".  I don't call myself ftm, female-to-male, any of that. 

My name is legally Gregory, my drivers' license and most documentation, except birth certificate, says male.  I work in construction, hanging sheet rock, and do great.  I am a firefighter as well.  No one who looks at me or talks to me has any question that I'm a guy.

Yet, it's more difficult, more convoluted than that.  I struggle severely with the knowledge I cannot remove my shirt, or go standing up.  I've tried packers, etc. they did not work for me.  I used to be on hormones, but have struggled finding resources in Wyoming, where I love.  I have been of hormones three years now, but have a beard and low voice, and lots of hair. 

I'm in the process of trying to get back onto hormones, and started therapy again and it hurts.  I've been in solid denial about being transgender for three years, ignoring it, not talking about, not dealing with it.  And now I have to again. 

So I don't know.  Unfortunately, I'm the type who does not want to be known, and just wants to fade into the crowd if I ever can get surgeries, and all that. 

But my best friend of three years, who I recently told, and a couple other close friends, all agree.  I need to deal with this, and I don't know how.

So, there, ashamed, struggling, afraid, frustrated.  Anything?

[Nimetön]

I'm not sure that I understand.  What exactly in the problem?  What are your goals, what specifically are you having trouble with, and what options do you have to select from?

If the problem is emotional, a lot of the guys here go for relativism, pretending, playing with words, victim politics... and some go for hard solutions, medical transition options, new job and friends, hobbies and relationships, getting on with life, changing their attitudes.  A great many guys here have gone through many of the same things you are dealing with and understand where you're coming from, and some of them also have solutions to offer to specific problems, too.

Welcome to Susan's, dude.  You'll find a lot here.

- N

[greginprogress]

The problem is my attitude.  I basically forget to an extent that I'm biologically wrong and the life I live allows for this.  But it the emotional struggle of the things I can't physically do and the fact I cannot afford surgeries and whatnot.  But I need to accept myself, that is my struggle.  I don't really know how.  I guess it's hard to explain.  There's denial and all that.  Fact is, I've never actually met anyone else transgender.  I'm just wondering if others have felt this way, dealt with these feelings.

[Nimetön]

That, we can clear up; they have, they do, they're here.  You're in the right place.

- N

[Vancha]

I really don't know what to say.  It's late, and I'm not eloquent at all right now, so forgive me.

I've felt the way you feel now, in the past.  I have some level of shame now, as well, but it is entirely directed inwards.  It is not transphobia towards other people, but merely towards myself.  I have fought with feelings of "being a freak" and certainly of being inadequate.  My problem is that I assume everyone I know and love feels that way about me.  My experience is that if you are surrounded by people who know of your situation and are accepting about it, you will... Grow more comfortable with it over time.  What it really is, is exposure.  You need exposure and positive experiences, and the ability to share with people you trust, in order to grow comfortable with it.  That's completely key.

It was hard coming out and telling my family members about it.  My parents, not a big deal, although I mistrust them on a level, still, and do feel paranoia about what they're thinking about me sometimes.  It was the extended family.  But I have already been met with so much love and respect.  It is extraordinary!  It opens you up to people in ways you couldn't imagine.  I have always been a closed door, now I am a little more open.

As for meeting other trans guys... I found it was a good experience for me.  I never thought of them as anything other than guys, as that is simply not how I see it.  However, they were men who saw me as a guy, who understood, who were accepting.  Who made my existence normal... and okay.  At that time in my life, and honestly even right now, that reassurance is incredible.

So, in closing, I think it is about experience and exposure more than anything.  There are people far more worse-off than we are.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Do everything you can short of killing, stealing, and all those errr..related things...to get back on hormones and save for top surgery. That's all I can say cause that's what I did and that's what got me where I am today. If you have to make some changes in your life like moving or whatnot..then so be it.

[greginprogress]

Changing my physical appearance in not my life goal.  I have the best job in the world.  I love being a drywaller.  I just need to drive ten minutes in any direction and can fish.  I get to be a firefighter and save houses and people.  I live in a beautiful small town in the mountains.  I also have the best friends I've ever had.  My boss, also my best friend, knows about me, I told him a week or two ago.  He still loves me.  I'm still his number one employee.

I love my life and my world.  I'm done running away from the world in that manner. 

I am working on getting back on hormones.  One day I'll get top surgery, yes, but I am unwilling to sacrifice this life I've built for myself.

I do appreciate the advice.

[Vancha]

It sounds like you are very happy with your life.  That is absolutely the most important thing.  Like I said, it takes time to overcome feelings of shame.  I just think having supportive and understanding people around you, and sharing yourself, will make it easier over time.  A secret bears an immense amount of weight.

[greginprogress]

Yeah, I am happier than I've ever been in my life.  I am working on getting hormones again, and the top surgery is something in the future.  The rest, I don't know.  It's more of what do I do now?  I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to be doing or feeling. 

I guess just a lot of progress left.

[Nimetön]

It sounds to me like you're running a very long road, making excellent time, but getting tired, lonely, and a bit confused about it.  This is a long journey, usually around seven years in all, but you seem to be doing it perfectly, from what I understand.  It's just a very tiring journey.

- N