Complete dysphoria/ misidentification feelings....

[Ashley Allison]

So pretty much tonight my ex (female) talked about how great it is to be a girl and how much it would suck to be a guy.  The whole entire time I had to stare at her blatantly with her and I (fakely)  smiling; neglecting to tell her that I am really female.  It felt like complete pain, and I had to make up some bull story; instead of telling her how I really feel (as a woman).  This anger over the situation makes me almost feel violent, angry, and ticked that she wouldn't have realized how I feel with how her comment/ situation has presented it to me.  Definitely, I feel very sad right now about that relationship and the level of honesty that followed it.  Also, feel really bottomed about with the pain of dysphoria... 

Has anyone ever had any similar situations? Or, how do you deal effectively with the pain of dyphoria?

Lexi

[rejennyrated]

I think most people on here must have.

The thing which, from the safe perspective of having all that so long in the past, never ceases to amaze me is how many of us put ourselves through all this needless pain by constant evasion and concealment of whom we are as if it is some kind of dark shameful secret.

To me it seems obvious that your ex probably either consciously or sub-consciously worked you out and was giving you a golden opening to come out. Why on earth didn't you just take it?

I suppose that's where I am slightly different because all my life I have pretty well always just came right out with it when asked - even postop I have never really concealed it, in fact as an aside one of the most unhappy times in my life was when as a postop I went stealth for a while.

But the bottom line is I am still here. Honesty did not end my world, and in fact on the whole I would say I have met 100% less prejudice for my honesty than most people on here report. So draw your own conclusions about how the world could be if we all stopped acting like we were ashamed...

[Colleen Ireland]

Lexi, I do agree with Jenny on one point - it's really best (I think) if you deal honestly and openly with the situation.  Since you and your ex are split, what's the worst that can happen if you tell her?  I'm wondering - are there kids involved, and you're afraid you'd lose access to them?  I could understand that, but if it's just fear of coming out to your ex, well, she's already your ex, isn't she?

Yesterday my wife and I were on a long (9 hours) drive, just by ourselves, so I took the opportunity to get a little deeper on the subject with her.  We had already talked some about it, and she had been supportive, so I took a deep breath and told her that it's NOT about how much we love each other, it's NOT about sex, or spicing things up in the bedroom, and it's NOT about sexual orientation, it's just about wanting my body to be in alignment with who I know myself to be inside.  So we then discussed it in greater detail, but still not nitty-gritty, but she does now know that one option on the table is transition.  And it scares her.  At one point, she said "I feel like someone just took my life and flushed it down the toilet".  She was silent for hours.

Anyway, yes, it's scary, but overall, regardless of what happens, I do think it's best.  And Jenny, the scenario I described is EXACTLY why we hide ourselves - that was very painful for me to watch, and I cannot comfort her, or help her with her pain now, I just have to wait while she works through it.  I have only recently become strong enough to do that.

So... Lexi... Hugs to you, girl - you can BE strong, even if it doesn't feel that way.

[FairyGirl]

I think most people on here must have.

The thing which, from the safe perspective of having all that so long in the past, never ceases to amaze me is how many of us put ourselves through all this needless pain by constant evasion and concealment of whom we are as if it is some kind of dark shameful secret.

To me it seems obvious that your ex probably either consciously or sub-consciously worked you out and was giving you a golden opening to come out. Why on earth didn't you just take it?

I suppose that's where I am slightly different because all my life I have pretty well always just came right out with it when asked - even postop I have never really concealed it, in fact as an aside one of the most unhappy times in my life was when as a postop I went stealth for a while.

But the bottom line is I am still here. Honesty did not end my world, and in fact on the whole I would say I have met 100% less prejudice for my honesty than most people on here report. So draw your own conclusions about how the world could be if we all stopped acting like we were ashamed...

Quoted For Truth! Transitioning hurts us, it hurts our friends, it hurts our loved ones. Mostly there is nothing we can do about that. We can lie and pretend and hope to spare their feelings, but the difference is that for them it is merely grief, for us it is literally life and death. In the end no one's feelings are spared, least of all our own.

[rejennyrated]

And Jenny, the scenario I described is EXACTLY why we hide ourselves - that was very painful for me to watch, and I cannot comfort her, or help her with her pain now, I just have to wait while she works through it.  I have only recently become strong enough to do that.

Yeah I certainly don't want to be unsympathetic and minimise all of that. I did have the huge luck to come out largely, but not entirely, before too much of that could happen.

However ironically if you have read all my posts you will also know that even I, with my lucky start, made the mistake of allowing myself to get involved with someone during my late teens and early twenties, when on the advice of a therapist I entered a phase of denial. So I am hardly without guilt here myself as it happens.

I do think however, that in part at least, we bring it on ourselves and others around us by our early denials and prolonging of the agony. In the words of the poet "oh the tangled web we weave, when first we set out to deceive." So I still think that painful truth is ultimately the right way forward.

Inevitably life is full of mistakes that we make. The important thing is to learn from them and not beat yourself up too badly, because to err is human after all, but the one really foolish mistake is to go on repeating an error once you know that it is wrong.

[Izumi]

Lexi, I do agree with Jenny on one point - it's really best (I think) if you deal honestly and openly with the situation.  Since you and your ex are split, what's the worst that can happen if you tell her?  I'm wondering - are there kids involved, and you're afraid you'd lose access to them?  I could understand that, but if it's just fear of coming out to your ex, well, she's already your ex, isn't she?

Yesterday my wife and I were on a long (9 hours) drive, just by ourselves, so I took the opportunity to get a little deeper on the subject with her.  We had already talked some about it, and she had been supportive, so I took a deep breath and told her that it's NOT about how much we love each other, it's NOT about sex, or spicing things up in the bedroom, and it's NOT about sexual orientation, it's just about wanting my body to be in alignment with who I know myself to be inside.  So we then discussed it in greater detail, but still not nitty-gritty, but she does now know that one option on the table is transition.  And it scares her.  At one point, she said "I feel like someone just took my life and flushed it down the toilet".  She was silent for hours.

Anyway, yes, it's scary, but overall, regardless of what happens, I do think it's best.  And Jenny, the scenario I described is EXACTLY why we hide ourselves - that was very painful for me to watch, and I cannot comfort her, or help her with her pain now, I just have to wait while she works through it.  I have only recently become strong enough to do that.

So... Lexi... Hugs to you, girl - you can BE strong, even if it doesn't feel that way.

Well you have to see it from the perspective of your spouse.  She said yes to marring you.  A woman's idea of marriage is a perm one.  She expected to have children, to grow old with you, to have you support her and be a parent to any children until such time as your death.  She had built a future around that thought, and the thought you wanted the same and worked toward that future.  Now, all that is gone.  She has to start completely over and trusting men is really diminished as well.  Its a big shift.  I know a lot of people's relationships work after transition, but its not the common thing, and even if it works, unless she is a lesbian, sex is out, and thats on of the major parts of a good marriage. 

To her it would be like when you asked to marry her, you lied and didn't tell her about this.  Otherwise i am sure she would have said no, right?  but many of us believe that if we marry and have a family all will be good.... but it wont... but we  think so... 

[cocoon]

Lexi-
Yours is the dilema that all of us face when we choose to deny who we are, get married, and perhaps have children. Abandoning that friendship you have with your ex (and your children, if you have any) is not something a caring person, especially not a woman, can do.
I can never abandon my children, nor do I want to abandon my closest friend. But what makes us TG is the persistance of feelings that we are women. Does your ex really know how much she hurts you when she expects (or even demands) you dress and act like a male?
If she truly loves you and she understood what it means to be TG, she probably wouldn't. The worst thing I fear is not that I would abandon my best friend, but that she would abandon me. That is the risk we all take, if we chose to transition.

[Colleen Ireland]

Well you have to see it from the perspective of your spouse.  She said yes to marring you.  A woman's idea of marriage is a perm one.  She expected to have children, to grow old with you, to have you support her and be a parent to any children until such time as your death.  She had built a future around that thought, and the thought you wanted the same and worked toward that future.  Now, all that is gone.  She has to start completely over and trusting men is really diminished as well.  Its a big shift.  I know a lot of people's relationships work after transition, but its not the common thing, and even if it works, unless she is a lesbian, sex is out, and thats on of the major parts of a good marriage. 

To her it would be like when you asked to marry her, you lied and didn't tell her about this.  Otherwise i am sure she would have said no, right?  but many of us believe that if we marry and have a family all will be good.... but it wont... but we  think so...

Yes, exactly true, Izumi.  And sad.  The thing is, I was lying to myself when we married, at least trying to.  And yes, I'm sure that if I had told her about it before we married, she would not have married me.  And perhaps that would be for the best.  But, we've raised three wonderful kids, and nobody and nothing can take that away from either of us.  They are almost adults now, and if they turn away from me, that will hurt me terribly, but I don't think I can hurt them developmentally at this point.  But yes, I have paid a terrible price for my mistakes.  I do hope things will eventually work out to where everyone involved can find some happiness and peace.

[Izumi]

Yes, exactly true, Izumi.  And sad.  The thing is, I was lying to myself when we married, at least trying to.  And yes, I'm sure that if I had told her about it before we married, she would not have married me.  And perhaps that would be for the best.  But, we've raised three wonderful kids, and nobody and nothing can take that away from either of us.  They are almost adults now, and if they turn away from me, that will hurt me terribly, but I don't think I can hurt them developmentally at this point.  But yes, I have paid a terrible price for my mistakes.  I do hope things will eventually work out to where everyone involved can find some happiness and peace.

You dont have to feel bad though, even though the marriage doesn't work out your children are you bond, and its possible that even though the husband wife relationship is gone, as long as their is no bitterness and both are willing to work together for the kids sakes and even each other, its sometimes possible to form a relationship thats similar to being siblings.  I know a few people who broke up and are still very good friends as well.  So its not the end of the world. 

Also, transitioning doesn't fix everything in the outside world, that is all the same, just because you transition your problems dont disappear, actually it makes a whole set of new problems, but it does fix you internally, and a lot of stress about who you really are does disappear, making you much more capable of handling the problems on the outside, since you no longer have to waste that energy battling yourself.

[Colleen Ireland]

Also, transitioning doesn't fix everything in the outside world, that is all the same, just because you transition your problems dont disappear, actually it makes a whole set of new problems, but it does fix you internally, and a lot of stress about who you really are does disappear, making you much more capable of handling the problems on the outside, since you no longer have to waste that energy battling yourself.

That is, of course, what it's all about, isn't it?  That's the crux of it.  And what keeps us so afraid of exploring and expressing our true selves, is the fear that the transition WON'T fix us inside, which is why the Internet is such a godsend, since it allows us to find out FAR more information about the possibilities than was ever possible before.  The underlined part of the quote is really what I hope and pray for.

[Izumi]

That is, of course, what it's all about, isn't it?  That's the crux of it.  And what keeps us so afraid of exploring and expressing our true selves, is the fear that the transition WON'T fix us inside, which is why the Internet is such a godsend, since it allows us to find out FAR more information about the possibilities than was ever possible before.  The underlined part of the quote is really what I hope and pray for.

Everyone is afraid of the unknown.  For me it got to a point where i had to do something about it, i no longer really wished to live nothing in the world made sense, not even me, so i had a choice, go onto the road i was currently on and kill myself (i was eating poorly in hopes of getting a heart attack since i didnt have the courage to just pull the trigger and end it quick) or transition and have a chance at life.  I decided i wanted to live and even if it didnt turn out right, it wouldnt be for my lack of trying to make it work.  I did everything i possibly could short of any surgeries to make it work.  Now the only thing i regret is the fact that i didnt do it sooner.  My life is perfect now, everything makes sense to me, everything.  I am able to enjoy my life for the first time, even my current fiance loved to be around me so much he wanted to marry me, heh, he didnt know i was TS at the time. 

I cant really describe the feeling, your just at peace with everything and you can now experience all the world and life has to offer.  All because i stopped wishing and got off my ass and did something about it, i was sick of being scared all the time, which kept me from moving forward.

[cocoon]

One of the best things about this site is finding women who talk the talk and walk the walk. We all share this unique experience of feeling out of place through no fault of our own. The thing I have learned from my sisters is to own my own feelings. Thank you all for talking about feelings that are sometimes difficult to discuss with people who have no clue.

[Vanessa_yhvh]

So pretty much tonight my ex (female) talked about how great it is to be a girl and how much it would suck to be a guy.  The whole entire time I had to stare at her blatantly with her and I (fakely)  smiling; neglecting to tell her that I am really female.  It felt like complete pain, and I had to make up some bull story; instead of telling her how I really feel (as a woman).  This anger over the situation makes me almost feel violent, angry, and ticked that she wouldn't have realized how I feel with how her comment/ situation has presented it to me.  Definitely, I feel very sad right now about that relationship and the level of honesty that followed it.  Also, feel really bottomed about with the pain of dysphoria... 

Has anyone ever had any similar situations? Or, how do you deal effectively with the pain of dyphoria?

I don't know how many times I experienced the hell you describe. And in my case, some of my girlfriends abandoned all beating around it & eventually asked outright WTF I wasn't telling ("Do you have sex with men? What??"). They knew *something* didn't add up.

Bear in mind, your ex may not have had the faintest glimmer of a notion about your inner life in this way. But I think for my girlfriends, it was like they were driving a car that had some abnormal vibration or noise they couldn't quite identify, and it ate at their minds as they drove along.

Since I never could just come out with it, I endured the conversations and gave my b.s. stories, then went & got high. The [smokable substance] didn't give me the resolve to deal with the situation head-on and solve it, but after a few minutes at least I felt like I was being honest in my own head again.

[Colleen Ireland]

One of my big problems now, is that I was so good at hiding my true self for so long, my wife thinks I'm somehow making this up for some reason.  Like, we've had problems in our marriage all along, although what I thought was the problem was that she didn't want to make love as often as I wanted to.  However... there was that suicide attempt about 28 years ago, after which I told her the reason for it...  But then I buried it, along with major parts of ME, and now she's just thinking the TG thing I'm now talking about (again) is caused somehow by my self-esteem issues (with which I've also been struggling all my life and marriage).  But... no, the self-esteem issues are caused BY the dysphoria, not the other way around, but I didn't see THAT before, either.  Anyway, my point is, that the longer you wait to open up and share your true self with your ex, the harder it will be.  And that much harder for her to see it and accept it for what it is, because you hid it for so long, and pretended it didn't exist.  Don't make the mistake I did.  You owe yourself that much.

[Cruelladeville]

I lurve yer pic.. if that be you?

(I'm a wild child of the late fifties *s->-bleeped-<-s* and always had a weakness for Doris Day)

*how do you deal effectively with the pain of dyphoria*

Much like I guess you deal with the pain of life generally?.....You take a big gulp of air, keep going with relaxing breathing techniques and understand and hold onto the fact that despair no matter how dark, deep or bad... is never permanent....

I had to leave a woman I loved immensely....(when I changed my life).... we'd had a good life and beautiful home together for over eight years.....and it was an awful ghastly time for both her and me....when it all fell apart.

(It took me at least 3 years to grieve her out of my dreams & heart)

But we all eventually have to follow our inner calling.....lol

The journey we folk have to make is a difficult and less travelled one....and an awful truth is that at its 'core' sits the fact that we have to walk this solo on our very own....

Letting go of the familiar is hard....in many respect we're programmed not to....we as u'mans by nature seek out comfort.....

But if your ex is insightful and caring of you....she'll probably already be all too aware of your difference...

So maybe trust in that...?

And I think you've already nailed the power of 'smile'....

Good luck....

[Ashley Allison]

To rejennyrated: I know! I know... I am looking back on it and wish I did take the opportunity to come out.  At the time though, her comment just withered anger in me.  Almost a jealousy about how good it is to be born naturally a woman, while I am stuck in this unwanted role of playing the male I don't want to be.

To Colleen: No, luckily there are no kids involved... We were together for three years, and there were plenty of opportunities where I was about to tell her something was up.  Invariably, those opportunities ended into one of those things where I say "Something is going on, and I will tell you later." Of course, I haven't told her about the dysphoria... Though I have come out to some other extremely important people in my life.  You are totally right about an ex being an ex. What does it really matter to me? That conversation we had dealt with some non-tg issues with our relationship, and it looks like we may not be talking for a while.  But, I think the day will come when I am honest.   

To Cocoon: I don't think that my ex knows how much she hurt me with that comment.  I think that is a common theme among people that are non-Tg commenting about gender related issues to us.  They don't realize how hurtful some comments are, because they don't know what it is like.  Granted, this was unintentional because I am not presenting as female.  But nevertheless, it was a bash on my inner-self at the time, and there is no obvious reason she would have known (though there are those hints across our relationship).

To SydneyTinker: I know exactly how you feel!! Unfortunately, I too have been dealing with these situations with drugs (alcohol in my case). I know it is not healthy and doesn't solve anything, but in this case, after she said that I immediately ordered a beer. That is a good way to describe it... A car vibration that just doesn't make sense.  I think my ex knows there is some unnormal noise going on (hence one of the reasons she is my ex).  I don't know whether you will agree with this or not; but being a woman on the inside and making a relationship with another woman (while you are still presenting as male) makes for a relationship that is just... Different.  Sorry for being vague! I look at other relationships around me, and I definitely don't act the normal male role.  The thing is, I don't know how to! I have tried to, but overall I come off: sensitive, overly emotional at times, not emotionally unresponsive (the unresponsiveness that T typically does), playful in a sense, waiting to be impressed from my partner (i.e. she makes a great date for me), etc.  For me, this is atypical behavior for a male.  Maybe these are some of the reasons for those different vibrations in the relationship? It is hard to make a normal relationship with a hetero-woman when one is a women internally (though I do enjoy it at times).

To Cruelladeville: Thanks for the compliment! That is me :0)  I am sorry to hear about having to leave your partner over this issue.  It is saddening and unfortunate what dysphoria can do... But you have to hope it is all in the best, right?

[Cruelladeville]

Then you look truly scrumptious Lexi....

Yep... leaving my ex (Elaine) was key as she was very outwardly heterosexual.... though she had many great girl buddie relationships too, mostly from her private school days...but I know that in some ways... (being a closet gal at that time as I was)... perhaps she wasn't aware that for us at the time there were maybe strong elements of lesbianism in our relationship....lol

A huge irony too...was that one of her best mates, (Lizzie) suggested that we should hook-up, seriously once she knew I was leaving her formally...but then this particular woman had always been a terrible precocious sexual flirt with me for years...so on reflection I shouldn't have been that surprised?

Why do some women do that??

Twas a ghastly time none the less.... and I was very lucky to have one male buddie (work colleague)....whom I'd weep down the phone to of an evening.... he knew us both... and gawd he was so patient with me.... the only man whom knew me in my ole guise....and even now we're still great mates...

(And there was a weird synchronicity outcome some years later too)

I hadn't seen Elaine for over 5 years or so....and I'd moved literally hundreds of miles away.... to a new life which was trickling along nicely..all tickety-boo....

And for a 6 month period my (half) sister came over to live with me....(she was born in Germany)....and as she liked to practise her Deutsch.... a local German gal from the city  Uni would occasionally join us on an sozialabend heraus....

One evening there we were sat around a candlelit table.... at a trendy village wine bar....it was a hip joint and a slick low-light buzzie kool-kids place....we'd been there for 30mins or so...when I felt compelled to suddenly look sharp right behind me..... and there was my ex glaring at me!!

I was really shocked..... and was overwhelmed with the hot-flushes-n-shakes....bit.

And said to my Sis "I really can't stay here!" when she realised whom and why...she just grimaced and winked at me..... I said to her sharpish "We're moving on"....so we downed our drinks.... but unfortunately I'd become desperate to pee...I was at least 4 years post SRS by now....

So I headed for the toilets or as you'd say in the US the ladies cloakroom.... and little did I know ...but my ex followed me straight in there... so when I opened the loo door there she was arms folded blocking my way out...

What an awful moment.... we had a difficult exchange of terse dialogue and it transpired she was down for a wedding; her secretary's parents lived in the village....coincidentally....

Then the tension lifted...and she asked me "If it had all been worth it?"

As I'd got a good job by then, looked good and was very happy.... I had to say "Of course it was".... we then both burst into tears and just hugged tight for a wee while....

Thankfully this was a private exchange and no one else came into the loo....

But I still had to quickly leave, as it was really still unbearably raw for us both (even after all that time)....in a bit of a state...obviously....

(But here's the amusing part).....Krista the German girl asked my sister "What on earth was going on?"

Quick as a flash....my sister raised her eyes to the ceiling and said "Oh.. they were once very close work buddies from London....but they had a big problem, a break-up and fall-out over the same guy!"

(I just so lurve ma sis) and my transition as such did in fact bring us much closer together....

So if and when you do come-out Lexi.... with those you've once loved in yer old framework... from my experience it really ain't that easy...and you can never pre-guess their reaction.

Some you win....some you loose....

But my family and particularly my Dad at the time were really there for me.... and I'll always be very thankfull for that...

And I wish you all the very best for your personal journey too....wherever it might lead you?

[Lacey Lynne]

Izumi said:

Well you have to see it from the perspective of your spouse.  She said yes to marring you.  A woman's idea of marriage is a perm one.  She expected to have children, to grow old with you, to have you support her and be a parent to any children until such time as your death.  She had built a future around that thought, and the thought you wanted the same and worked toward that future.  Now, all that is gone.  She has to start completely over and trusting men is really diminished as well.  Its a big shift.  I know a lot of people's relationships work after transition, but its not the common thing, and even if it works, unless she is a lesbian, sex is out, and thats on of the major parts of a good marriage. 

To her it would be like when you asked to marry her, you lied and didn't tell her about this.  Otherwise i am sure she would have said no, right?  but many of us believe that if we marry and have a family all will be good.... but it wont... but we  think so...

_________________________________________________________________________

THIS is what she is going through.  Her world, dreams and future just evaporated right before her very eyes.  THAT'S why she's upset.  My wife went ballistic when I came out.  Almost word for word, she railed at me about the things Izumi said as quoted above.  She was tearful and furious.  She and her daughter would have left then and there if they had had the means to do so.  Finally, she thinks:  "Oh, Christ, why me?  All my friends and relatives have normal guys, good lives, promising futures!  Why me?  Why me?"

Don't mean to bum you out with this post.  Look, I'm right there with you.  Most of us here are.  We transsexuals tend to get so self-absorbed that we lose sight of how we impact those near and dear to us.

Chances are very high that you will eventually have to find another mate.  Unfortunately, that is part and parcel of being trans and, more often than not, is what many of us must face.

I wish you the very best, really!

   Lacey Lynne

[Izumi]

Izumi said:

Well you have to see it from the perspective of your spouse.  She said yes to marring you.  A woman's idea of marriage is a perm one.  She expected to have children, to grow old with you, to have you support her and be a parent to any children until such time as your death.  She had built a future around that thought, and the thought you wanted the same and worked toward that future.  Now, all that is gone.  She has to start completely over and trusting men is really diminished as well.  Its a big shift.  I know a lot of people's relationships work after transition, but its not the common thing, and even if it works, unless she is a lesbian, sex is out, and thats on of the major parts of a good marriage. 

To her it would be like when you asked to marry her, you lied and didn't tell her about this.  Otherwise i am sure she would have said no, right?  but many of us believe that if we marry and have a family all will be good.... but it wont... but we  think so...

_________________________________________________________________________

THIS is what she is going through.  Her world, dreams and future just evaporated right before her very eyes.  THAT'S why she's upset.  My wife went ballistic when I came out.  Almost word for word, she railed at me about the things Izumi said as quoted above.  She was tearful and furious.  She and her daughter would have left then and there if they had had the means to do so.  Finally, she thinks:  "Oh, Christ, why me?  All my friends and relatives have normal guys, good lives, promising futures!  Why me?  Why me?"

Don't mean to bum you out with this post.  Look, I'm right there with you.  Most of us here are.  We transsexuals tend to get so self-absorbed that we lose sight of how we impact those near and dear to us.

Chances are very high that you will eventually have to find another mate.  Unfortunately, that is part and parcel of being trans and, more often than not, is what many of us must face.

I wish you the very best, really!

   Lacey Lynne

Heh, ironically if my fiance turned out to be TS, i would flip out too, and I am TS.  The reason being for the same reason, i put all my hopes an dreams into that person, and now poof all gone.  Although, i probably wont take it has hard, i would still be pissed for a long time.

[Lacey Lynne]

Heh, ironically if my fiance turned out to be TS, i would flip out too, and I am TS.  The reason being for the same reason, i put all my hopes an dreams into that person, and now poof all gone.  Although, i probably wont take it has hard, i would still be pissed for a long time.

Izumi:

God, I SOOO agree with you!  Just like you, I would freak too if she came out as trans, got therapy and started androgens!  I've even told her this.  She's moreorless now through Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' 5 Stages of Grief. 

We're roommates now after having moved 3100+ miles waaaaaaayyyyyyy across the country to start a new life.  She came here, because she always wanted to live here.  I came here, because it's reportedly the most trans-friendly city in America.  All this, mind you, later in life in a piss-poor economy and with nary any savings to speak of ... due to corporate down-sizing TWICE within 20 years. 

The sad part is that we both know that eventually we'll part our ways.  I lie awake some nights bumming out about that.  Funny thing is, we're WAY better as friends than we ever were as spouses.  She is now supportive of my transition.  My doctor here is herself a transwoman (one of the very best doctors for transitioning people in America besides), and my wife approves of her.  She approves of my hormone replacement therapy.  She's helped me to size clothes and helps me shave the body where I cannot reach.  I'm luck this way.

Keep the faith, Izumi!  I'm here hoping for the best for you, myself and all of us here on this board. 

   Lacey Lynne