So I've been working on a letter that I plan to read to my girlfriend in exactly one months time, I arrived at this time frame due to various reasons, yes some selfish, others because right now she is not financially secure and relies on my income to help her, and in the event she does decide she can't be with me I don't want to put her in an even worse scenario. So hopefully this new job she's going for will happen and then she can make an honest choice rather then one out of necessity..
I'm pretty sure she won't remain in a relationship with me, I highly doubt she'll even want contact after. But anything longer then a month I can't handle, and with the rapid response my body takes to every form of medication I fear the hrt might already show signs, and no one can honestly believe I started going to ideal image to remove my facial hair simply because I was annoyed shaving...
Plus, I do love and respect her and lying to her is not fair...
So, here's what I got, it's fairly rough, but since I am unsure what exactly else I should put, I figured you all could give some advice that I desperately need...
Dear ******..
I don't know where to start, I have been truly blessed to find someone like you, it's like finding my other half. I love being with you, spending time with you, just having you around...
I haven't been fair to you, not even a little bit. I know you're in love with the man you think I am, as I sit here and watch the pictures of us flash across my desktop while I write this, I can't help but feel anything but guilt. The look in your eyes in every picture is pure adoration and devotion.
I'm sorry I've been so selfish, I'm sorry I can never be the man you deserve, the man you want...
You see, I was dealt a bad card. I don't know why, I am unsure of how something like this happens. I do know that at the end of my writing of this letter and upon finishing reading it to you, I might very well loose you forever.
When we first got together I really believed I could beat this, there is something about you that when you walked into my living room that day that caught me and made me believe. But even with as incredible, as wonderful as you are, you can't. No one can.
When I was young, I wasn't like the other boys, in fact my best friend from as far back as I can remember until the 4th grade was Courtney. When my parents moved my family to Portland I became best friends with Carli, and even to this day still maintain contact, even if it's very loose and we rarely speak. I've always made quick friends with women, I have always related to them.
Even now with work I am closer with the women then the guys...
I have never had a real best friend that was a guy, because I honestly don't know how to relate to guys. I have spent a lifetime learning to mimic the actions of those born of the male gender.
I wish there was some magic word that could fix all of this, that would just make everything right, but there isn't. I am unsure of how you will react to this. But it's way past time for you to know.
I am Transsexual and will be living the rest of my life as a woman...
I know you didn't ask for this, for what it's worth neither did I.
So from here you get to choose what happens between us. I want to be with you. I don't know how it will work. I am unsure of what other changes might take place during this process. But I do love you, whatever that's worth.
I told you I wouldn't leave unless you tell me to, and even now I mean it. So from here, please ask any questions you have, or say what you feel you need to...
Me
I know it's horribly rough right now, I just don't know what to do, it's already almost 1 am my time and she'll be waking me up in a few hours but with everything finally getting started I'm really worried about how much this will hurt her and I want to make this as gentle as I can.
Samantha
