Dear Beth, Kimberly, Tiffani and all of you who have been so supportive,
The good news is Friday came and i met my therapist, who is quiet and patient and cautious and wise and very experienced with these issues. she is a God-send (a term that as a religious person i mean quite literally). i have had a long series of bad, scarring experiences trying to communicate with therapists about these issues - she is actually the first person i've ever spoken to who just understood what i was talking about. she also realized that i am in crisis, more or less, and has made herself available if need be by phone between appointments.
i have pushed forward with talking with my wife - actually, she brings it up when we have time and energy, which is rarely, between three kids, no child care, working, etc. she is trying very hard, despite her rage at having her life and future erased (as she sees it, quite understandably) by me. in fact, i'm not sure what's harder - when she is cold and angry, or when we get closer, as we have lately, and i see her agony.
that agony has led me to redouble my efforts to kill off my own hope to live out my identity as a woman - to see what i have and am experiencing as a terminal illness rather than something that can be treated, changed. i have glimpsed the almost drug-like ecstacy of feeling that the woman i have always wanted to be is starting to coalesce inside me (along with the despair in feeling i am too far behind all the "real" women to every make it) - but seeing my wife's repulsion and pain, i know that, as she has put it, the cost of embracing that glimpse of wholeness and happiness is four other lives, hers and our children's.
i can't do that math, sisters.
i grew up training myself, often violently, to disconnect from and punish myself for my feelings. i'm calling on that training now. but i can't pretend to be happy while doing it - i can just push ahead, doing things, keeping as busy as i can and eating as little as i can manage (because i just can't stand feeding this body anymore) and trying not to feel - but of course i hate the feeling of not-feeling - but that doesn't i tell myself matter.
i'm sorry, i'm letting everyone down right now, i didn't want to write and tell you this but i also didn't want to just disappear in the face of all your good wishes.
therapy again wednesday. i honestly don't know how to live, sisters - how can i live at the expense of those i love and who love me? (there haven't been many who have) so i'm afraid i'm back in a way where i started, just not immediately suicidal (my new life ins policy has a two-year wait on that, so i have time to really see if i can find a way through).
thank you for your patience, your kindness, for being the voice of the light in the dark.
