finally deciding to do something about the dysphoria

[Nikolai James]

Disappeared for a while. been a rough few months.

I've finally made myself realize that I need to stop trying to ignore the dysphoria. Hasn't worked in the past six years, still isn't, and I doubt it will. It's become a pretty big weight lately.

I'm really incredibly indecisive right now.. I feel this huge stress and pressure knowing I'm not what I feel like I'm supposed to be, but there's still that other part of me thinking I'll regret it or something, and that bit of self-esteem that's reliant upon how men see me as a woman (always been this way, probably conditioning + my parents' criticism, and feeling like I'm supposed to be a certain way and who better to validate that than who I'm supposed to be able to attract).

But no need to leap into it yet (telling myself this a lot). Just need to do something about it because the dysphoria has become rather constant. I'm going to start building a male wardrobe. Not necessarily presenting as male.. still going to grow my hair out, and won't bind or pack. Just dressing the part to alleviate the dysphoria a little bit, test the waters. If it leads to me feeling the need to try to present entirely as male.. then it's probably a necessary step.

Any words of advice or caution, I've-been-there's, self experiences or tips or anything? About going into this, or getting clothes, or anything really. I'm a little shaken up about even owning up to myself that I need to address this, I've been trying to deny it for so long.

[glendagladwitch]

Welcome back!

Just do what feels right.  It sounds like you have a plan.

[Kev]

I think you're pretty much at the same point I am. Especially with the clothes. The try-thing. The I-need-to-so-I-try-thing.
It's really interesting how one can't really hide this, even if you try for years. So it is definitely smart to face it. But I don't want to sound like it's always that easy. I have a lot of thoughts of going back in the closet, forgetting I ever went that path. It is quite stressful to be a "new" you, especially when noone knows and you feel all alone. These moments pass.
But I can understand everybody who feels like chicken out every once in a while.
And while for some people it might be the right way to jump in the water from day 1, there is no need for it, if you don't feel like it. Your body and mind will tell you, what you need. According to this you react in dressing the way you feel comfortable.
There really is no rush. There are no rules, as far as I can see.

It's really cool to meet someone at a similar "level" in the process.
What kind of clothes did you wear until now?

[Arch]

When I first came out to myself, I lasted about twenty seconds and decided to call myself a cross dresser. I can't imagine how people coped all by themselves without the Internet and support sites like Susan's. "Transsexual" back in the late eighties was a truly frightening concept.

It still is.

I had a seriously tight grip on myself. Otherwise, I would not have been able to pull it off. But I know other people who unleashed the Johnstown flood once they relaxed a little and started to experiment. Expect anything...

[Nikolai James]

Kev, it is really good to know there's somebody in the same boat to be able to relate to closely.
I dress in androgynous-girl clothes. Definitely not girly in any meaning of the word aside from what section the clothes are sometimes gotten from.. tomboyish I guess. Skinny and girl's jeans, tees made for either sex, plaid shorts, sometimes wifebeaters, and guy's jeans too. But the ones I have don't really do me any favors, since they accentuate my hips and thighs and just make my figure more obvious. I'm really pear-shaped to begin with (A-cup boobs but dramatic hips, big butt and shapely legs) so that doesn't help much. This'll wind up my downfall in trying to find clothes that have a more masculine fit without just looking.. frumpy.

Still struggling a lot with coming out to myself, and I don't doubt it's going to continue to be difficult. I'm expecting a lot of up and downs. But at least I'm not full-out ignoring it... though it's gonna take some time to undo the fact I was for a long trime.

I really appreciate everybody's input and replies. Thanks a bunch.

[tekla]

I can't imagine how people coped all by themselves without the Internet and support sites like Susan's.

Actually, as I recall, you had to find yourself and admit it before you could find anyone else.  I think the word you're looking for is 'empowering.'  Only the strong survived, which is OK by me, I kinda like Darwin.

[Akashiya Moka]

I can't imagine how people coped all by themselves without the Internet and support sites like Susan's.

Actually, as I recall, you had to find yourself and admit it before you could find anyone else.  I think the word you're looking for is 'empowering.'  Only the strong survived, which is OK by me, I kinda like Darwin.

~Tekla, I want to live in a world where everyone doesn't always have to be strong.

Though if you equate 'strength' with emotional intelligence, and thus an integrated capacity for self-analysis, I think we can agree on a lot... But, despite self-realization being the first true step towards self-actualization, and an incredibly positive one at that; the reality is this can usually only occur when our more primal (social) needs have first been met.  I think we would all do well to remember this, as it is the very reason this place exists.

[Kev]

I agree with Akashiya. People should stop using what Darwin said on humans, since its not meant that way and did allready enough damage.
Though I'm sure you're right, tekla,  that then it was like that, that only the strong did survive. But humans can be social and feel compassion and above all reason. Which differs us from the animals on which Darwin _solely_ based his theory.
I just had to write this down since things tend to get a little hairy, whenever somebody transferns Darwin to humans.

[Squirrel698]

It is very empowering to take that first step.  I congratulation you on that!  You might find it's enough or you want more.  Either way you need to listen to yourself and what you feel is right.  Don't let other's opinions influence your happiness or goals.  If you are confident in what you are they will have to accept you or turn around and walk away.  Who needs them if they don't accept you?

When I first started I thought just cross dressing would be enough but I quickly learned it wasn't.  The more I do the more fulfilled I feel.  I'm becoming who I am and it's such a wonderful feeling.  I hope you find your balance and your fulfilment.  Take it slow and listen     

[Konnor]

Random thread jacking...but Squirrel, your new pic is hot!

[Squirrel698]

Random thread jacking...but Squirrel, your new pic is hot!

Aw thank you!     It's always good to hear that

[jmaxley]

When I first started I thought just cross dressing would be enough but I quickly learned it wasn't.  The more I do the more fulfilled I feel.     

Same here.

[Arch]

I can't imagine how people coped all by themselves without the Internet and support sites like Susan's.

Actually, as I recall, you had to find yourself and admit it before you could find anyone else.  I think the word you're looking for is 'empowering.'  Only the strong survived, which is OK by me, I kinda like Darwin.

When I first came out and started looking around for other people like me and found nobody--and no resources--that certainly gave me pause. I had one pretty awful book on FTMs--sorry, "female transsexuals"--and no idea where to start. Tried therapy twice more but got two duds in a row. Couldn't trust them with something so sensitive, especially when it became clear that the second guy was actively working against me.

Then I learned more and found out that (according to the most current info I could find) people like me weren't allowed to transition because we weren't really transsexuals. You know, I would have liked to decide that for myself. By the time I came out again two years ago, though, I would have done anything it took to get what I needed. Then I found out how much things had changed while I was in the closet. Thank the gods. I didn't have much fight left in me by then.

But, yeah, I survived.

P.S. Despite the emphasis he placed on competition and the struggle for existence, even Darwin wrote about cooperation and support among members of a group. Without a tribe, none of us, not even the strongest and fittest, gets very far.
Post Merge: August 04, 2010, 04:06:09 PM

People should stop using what Darwin said on humans, since its not meant that way and did allready enough damage.

I'm not sure what you mean here. Humans are part of the evolutionary landscape, same as any organism. Darwin realized this (and eventually wrote about it), and it's the main reason he hesitated so long to publicize his theory of natural selection.

[glendagladwitch]

...things tend to get a little hairy, whenever somebody transferns Darwin to humans.

Ferns reproduce asexually by sporing.

Makes me wonder what a trasfern would look like.

[Arch]

"Transfern" is almost, but not quite, an eggcorn. Maybe a pseudo-eggcorn that only makes sense to folks like us.

[Kev]

Arch, what do you mean by "people like me weren't allowed to transition because we weren't really transsexuals" ? In what way not "real"?

Uh, "transfern" was a nice one. I always have those typos...

[Arch]

Arch, what do you mean by "people like me weren't allowed to transition because we weren't really transsexuals" ? In what way not "real"?

Gay FTMs weren't allowed to transition through official channels unless we lied and pretended to be straight. Real "female" transsexuals, you see, were only attracted to women.

I also read that if a guy was molested as a child, he could not get the green light for transition. I guess the idea was that molestation twisted our sense of self so horribly that of course we wanted to escape the vulnerability that our "natural" sex conferred upon us. Or something like that.

I even read that if I didn't desperately want bottom surgery, I wasn't serious enough and would never get approval. All real men--all real trans men--want penises. Well, I wanted a penis, all right. But I didn't like the state of the art. Some of those early efforts were monstrous.

Basically, it's one strike and you're out, but I hit the trifecta.

At a certain point, I realized that things had been changing and that some of what I was reading was out of date, at least in certain areas or at certain clinics. And in the nineties, I knew that Lou Sullivan had managed to transition. He was already dead by the time I found out about him, but he was the only gay trans man I had ever heard of. He gave me hope.

[jmaxley]

And I thought we had it difficult now.  Wow.

[Kev]

Wow, this is weird.
I don't really need a penis either. I guess that makes me not real, according to that definition.
Hopefully things will go on changing in the next years. Like in Germany (I don't know about other countries) when you want to change your name and really live as the other gender, you have to get operation. No way around it. You shall not be able to reproduce yourself anymore. I think this is highly immoral and discriminating and a lot of other ugly words.

[Fencesitter]

Like in Germany (I don't know about other countries) when you want to change your name and really live as the other gender, you have to get operation.

Actually, in Germany for a name change, you "just" need two expert opinions which is annoying but could be worse. But for a gender change, you need to have the ovaries taken out and the breasts removed if you're an FTM and the surgery done if you're MTF.