but I very sure of how I feel inside :-)
Hello everyone! I've read through some of the threads here and this looks like a really supportive site.
Basically, I've always felt female inside although for me the realization of *what* I was feeling was a gradual process as I got older. There wasn't some "a-ha" moment where I sudden knew I should have been a girl, but simply feelling a discomfort and disconnect with being male and experiences in life as a male that increased over time. I remember being in elementary school, around 7 or 8 years old and while there wasn't a voice in my head telling me I was really a girl inside, I *do* have vivid memories of enjoying playing with the girls at school at recess and actually assuming it was punishment whenever teachers would separate boys and girls into gender-specific activities. The funny thing though is that I never did anything overtly feminine, went along with the other boys in whatever play they were involved in, but always felt a little odd. As far as I know no one suspected anything "off" about me, and the girls I did hang out with never seemed to mind me being with them. There never was an overwhelming drive to do girl things as much as it was doing both boy and girl things, and knowing that it seeme like more fun to be with the girls, a connection that I couldn't understand but knew felt good.
I did have the usual boy toys and I admit it was fun having the Star Wars toys and building the model aircraft kits when I was a little older, but something always felt missing, and I do remember having to resist the urge to ask for dolls one Christmas (I know that sounds cliche). There wasn't much angst or sadness about it as much as it was a simply feeling of missing out on something.
As I got older, as a pre-teen and a teen during the years of middle and high school, that's when what I felt inside became more tangible- and not understanding the various pressures to conform to gender stereotypes.
As an adult it got more and more difficult to simply "be"- it was feeling like I was putting on a costume putting on guy clothes, and having to stay in character all the time, and total paranoia at somehow slipping up and doing something feminine that might flash on someone's radar.
What really drove home the reality of my situation though was in my early 20s when I became disabled (degenerative condition in my lower spine) and became a wheelchair user. It was hard enough adapting to just being in the wheelchair but IMHO it was far worse dealing with all the gender polarization and restrictions in how disabled persons can or can't access help and support because of the the social conservatism of the disability community I ran into just made everything more difficult than it already was- no outlet to "be" disabled on my own terms, let alone finding *someone* to talk to about how I really felt.
During the late 90s I took a few steps out of the closet but ultimately got run back into the closet when I ran afoul of all the haters in the trans community, both online and in person. Including getting kicked out of a trans support group for among other things, being there in my wheelchair- made the group uncomfortable.
Other things played a part in my having to put things on indefinite hold, such as business plans that would have helped me afford transition back then never panned out.
So now it's ten years later and I want to renew my quest to be "Simone" for real, that's why I call myself "pre-everything", because despite being certain beyond any doubt how I feel inside, I've never been albe to do anything about it, not even expressing myself in subtle ways.
But I want to change that, so I'm researching things again, looking for real support, aligning with allies outside the trans community (even finding like minded geeky people has been a real confidence boost), and moving forward with my creative pursuits hopefully to make a decent enough living to afford to transition.
But I'm disabled, and I turned 40 last month, or ten years on the run if you know your sci fi movies ;-) Will that be a liability in being taken seriously about my motives?
looking forward to interesting discussions here :-)
by the way- I had to type this in MS word and copy and paste to post- the space provided to type on the site only lets you type a few lines that stay visible on screen.
Simone
