like crossing a river

[rylielove]

its like trying to cross a river... it didn't look bad when i wasn't sure if i was going to cross it, just like a line separating 2 groups of people. it was a little idea, a want, to swim over to the other side. i thought it would be easy, just swim as fast as i can and never look back. as i get closer to the river i see more and more clear whats on the other side and know deeper inside me that i need and belong on the other side. now taking my eyes off the destination standing on the shore i look at the river, this border between 2 worlds and i see its much worse than i thought viewing it from a distance. there was a bridge once when I was a kid... an easy way over, but no one said i could cross it, i didn't even know it existed... now its collapsed, sometime when i was a teen... just ruins of an opportunity long past.  it hurts to see others cross that bridge when mine has collapsed, but i must not care... caring about things in the past will only make me depressed and i must keep focus on MY transition.

standing on the shore, i've now taken my first steps in the water and
its cold... its more painful than i imagined, I see my reflection in the water and it makes me cry... i've seen so many others cross this river and they made it look easy, i see them now on the other side happy as can be. i'm only ankle deep right now and i can't turn back (i don't know how), i told everyone im jumping in head first... but in reality the water is too shallow right now to even attempt swimming... i need to keep moving to the deeper water, but i'm scared the river is going to sweep me down stream, that i'm going to drown before ever reaching the other shore. i need to be patient in this journey, my body/mind must to get used to this "water" before i get deeper and start swimming... its going to be a long journey and one day ill look back and be proud of myself for having gone through so much pain crossing this river. i must be happy i didn't take the bridge, i need to be happy i'm doing this now and not earlier or later... i need to find happiness right now in this transition between two worlds... instead of feeling like im drowning wishing i was on one side or the other.

[lilacwoman]

swim harder - the water isn't deep enough to kill strong transitioners.

[Alainaluvsu]

I've seen the current in that river, and it looks like one of the most dangerous rivers on the planet. Good luck, I think I'll be following you in a few months...

[Colleen Ireland]

That is one of the most poetic ways I've ever seen it expressed.  I'm sure we all feel like that, hon, at least I know I do.  The important thing is to know that there are lifeguards (if we know where to find them), and there are (these days) lots of swimming instructors.  And we know we don't have to go into water that's too deep before we're ready.  It is cold, though, and the current is strong.  It is quite terrifying, but you can make it to the other side, you just have to keep working at it, and swim hard, as lilacwoman says...

[Megan]

or drown...

better start a swimming.

[ativan]

Be happy that you can swim.

[tekla]

You could

a) build a bridge
b) hire or build a boat
c) wait till summer when the water level goes down

[JessicaR]

That made me cry......

You made me think about how much we really have to stick together.... No one should feel like they have to do this alone.
  Know that it gets easier and that there is help along the way. Even though you may not be able to see them right now, there are others in the same place as you... seek them out and don't be afraid to ask if they'll hold your hand as you move forward together. Keep your gaze on the opposite shore and don't look back.... You'll be OK 

[Samantha_Marie]

wow this is beautiful! I know the feeling, I'm only up to my ankles as well and it's terrifying.

[tekla]

I put this up all the time, seemed right here:



A Message From the Hopi Elders

You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour.
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is The Hour.

        Here are the things that must be considered:

                Where are you living?
                What are you doing?
                What are your relationships?
                Are you in right relation?
                Where is your water?
                Know our garden.
                It is time to speak your Truth.
                Create your community.
                Be good to each other.
                And do not look outside yourself for the leader.

This could be a good time!

There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore.
They will feel like they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly.

Know the river has its destination.   The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off toward the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.

See who is there with you and celebrate.

At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally, least of all
ourselves!  For the moment we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.

The time of the lonely wolf is over. Gather yourselves!

Banish the word struggle from your attitude and vocabulary.

All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

We are the ones we have been waiting for.

The Elders,
Oraibi, Arizona
Hopi Nation //Sun, 24 Mar 2002

[ativan]

@Tekla    I never get tired of that. Good choice to put it up again.

[tekla]

I built a bridge, crossed it then burnt that mofo down

So, little wonder you're there on the other side by yourself?

And the real difference between real civilization (that's me) and the barbarians (that's you) is I can build bridges that you can't tear down.  That's how it keeps on going.

[justmeinoz]

Rylie, that was a lovely description of you journey. I look forward to seeing you on the opposite bank someday too.

Tekla, don't take things so literally.  You put people's noses out of joint, because you don't understand the way they have used a phrase,  creating animosity where there should be support.

[Shana A]

Reminder from admin, no personal attacks!

[rylielove]

please no fighting in my post... i would hate if what i wrote and shared with all of you got hijacked and replaced by people arguing with each other about from what i can see... nothing...

it makes me smile to see people read what i wrote and relate to my feelings.  i didn't think anyone would like it or even read it when i posted it... i just had the image in my head of standing ankle deep in this river and know that i am at the beginning of this transition, only a month with hormones and knowing i have a lot further to go and its scared me thinking about. i started writing it not really knowing where it was going or what i was going to do with it... but it came out nice (not a perfect copy of how i envisioned it, but that translation from thought to words is tough) and felt this forum could be a good outlet to express my thoughts/feelings

i really like thinking about the line between male/female, and as i approach it... its like zooming in and more and more detail about this line is shown and we realize its not just a line, but a river... i liked that idea.  the bridge, in my mind, was about the opportunity to transition before puberty which seems to be on my mind a lot... just wishing i was able to talk to my parents about this when i was 13 or so instead of just hiding it and hating myself for feelings this way.  its like without that bridge anymore, i have to swim... there's no other way around it, i was socialized male and its not an easy task crossing this river like it could have been 10 years ago and essentially never even have to be a boy, never let testosterone ruin some assembelence of femininity and never having to deal with this confusion.

thank you to everyone for letting me share my thoughts, and i really appreciate it and enjoy that some of you added to my metaphor... it really shows you understand what i wrote and that connection we've created makes me feel good

[Arch]

I did not start it.

It's okay, Dee. That warning was not aimed at you. It was aimed at the "keyboard commando" who, one or two posts earlier, was writing that we should be "good to each other."

Rylie, I was thinking about Channel swimmers. They coat themselves with grease to preserve body heat when they swim across. I've read numerous times that it doesn't really work, but if it makes you feel better emotionally, that can make a difference. Only trouble is, you're not too pretty when you finally finish the swim. "Okay, I'm exhausted, I'm covered with grease, I'm slippery as an eel...but I made it!!!"

[Colleen Ireland]

The bridges are those who help us in our efforts to cross.  I had at first thought there would be none, but the more I reach out to those around me, the more I see and appreciate them.  I have a very good post-op friend who has so far done so much for me I just cry thinking about it.  She has helped me in many ways - telling me about support groups in my area, helping me buy my first panties without embarassment, and she is even going to drive me to my first support group meeting!  She's even fighting a human-rights case that might make transition easier for me and others.  She is a very strong bridge.  I also have a best friend, who happens to be a gay male, he has known me for 36 years, and was the first person I came out to in real life, and he accepts me totally.  He is another bridge, or maybe a raft.  Don't overlook those who will help, they are truly the best gifts imaginable!

[lilacwoman]

/quote]

just how solidly locked are those Irish closets?
I'd be inclined to think that the vast majority of MtFs bought thier first knickers as teenagers if not before.
I'm not belittling your efforts just trying to undrstand the social conditioning Irish MtFs have to overcome.

[Colleen Ireland]

First, I'm not Irish, at least that's not where I live.  I'm in Canada, but born American, but of Irish descent. 

And as far as my cultural/socioeconomic/religeous background (as related to closets)...

Born in the Midwest, parents (and all relatives) solidly Conservative.  Religious.  Roman Catholic. 

Mom grew up on a farm.  Dad's family were not wealthy.  Which meant he was hell-bent to be wealthy.

Parents put NO store on anything (or anyone) "different".  Especially on sexual matters.  "Gay" = "Lifestyle Choice" (so how much more, TG?)

Got married at 23, at which time I had serious unresolved questions about myself, but no way to resolve them.  Couldn't ask to see a therapist without the parents having to know what for.  No access to dependable information - no Internet.  I should NOT have gotten married when I did, but I did.  And I then never felt I could leave her without screwing up HER life, which would NOT be fair.  So I submerged myself, and tried to get on with life.  Been in deep denial until recently.

So THAT'S why I'm just now, at age 54, buying my first knickers...

[FairyGirl]

some of our bridges burn merely by the fact of us crossing them- it's nothing we do, it just happens because of where we are going. This river, once crossed, is one over which you can never return, by bridge or any other means. The best thing I've figured out to do is just sit back and watch the pretty flames dancing from the other side.