If you were/are confused about your gender, how did/are you resolving it?

[imnotaboy]

I am asking this to help a friend.

I was never really confused about my gender, at least from an early age. I always thought I should have been a girl, and that feeling never left me. Sure, I was confused about why I had that feeling, and didn't know anything for a long time about what I could do about it, but I was never really confused about what my gender ought to have been.

But I have a friend who is really confused about their gender. They were brought up in a strict environment that wouldn't permit nonconformity. They honestly don't know if their feelings are real or not, if they're suppressed or emergent, or what to do about them. They are quite unsure how to work things out. I'm not much help, as I didn't have to work out what my gender was.

Have others experienced this? How did you go about resolving this question for yourself?

Thanks,
-- tamara

P.s. -- there's another thread discussing how early people knew. I'm actually not interested in that question or responses to such things. Please don't just tell me "you knew since age N". I'm asking specifically for people that were confused and what process they used to work it out.

[pebbles]

I wrote a series of letters to myself regarding how I felt later on when I was feeling alittle bit better I would read these letters and be reminded of memories that I could only remember in my darkest hours. They would describe events from my late childhood early teens of clear "gender variant behaviors" and these lost memories kept emerging and because I had written them down as the emerged I didn't loose them. Eventually I built a scrapbook book of emotions about how I felt. It became more and more obvious that I really wanted to be female and I'd felt this way for a very long time and what was making me so miserable was that my body was dragging me the other way.

3 years ago I like you were just a confused young person suffering but not knowing why. I came here after I begun suspecting. You can see it in my early posts.

Just because you didn't know from like age 3 doesn't invalidate your feelings today it was one of the things I was also hung up on it was only when I stopped so aggressively searching that those memories resurfaced. because early on I thought I only manifested transgenders behavior in my mid to late teens but now I remember it going back much further than that.

[spacial]

imnotaboy

Firstly, this isn't the sort of place where you get shoved around to irrelevant topics. Most of us here are trying to understand ourselves and each other. I'm pretty sure we all love looking at new questions.

I was in a similar position to your friend, though, probably more like you, I knew what I am.

To be honest, since your friend has this confusion, what he (assuming a he), probably needs to do is just take some time.

It isn't a race.

OK, it's better to start early, speaking as a 55 year old who still has a load of excuses for delay. But equally, it's silly to the point of insanity to start something you don't want to do.

Getting over the issues and hangups of his upbringing is his first hurdle.

As his friend, may I suggest you let him talk when he wants to, but otherwise, don't press the issue.

Hopefully, he can have a nose around here. There's a load of information. The Wiki is especially good.

And since you asked us not to mention when we first realised, I was 4. 

Best of luck and great to see you.

[imnotaboy]

3 years ago I like you were just a confused young person suffering but not knowing why. I came here after I begun suspecting. You can see it in my early posts.

I'm not clear how to view someone's earlier posts. If I click on your handle, it tells me I can't just view any profile on this site. Can you point me to specific posts that might shed some light on this for my friend?

[spacial]

You can't access profiles and such until you've made 15 posts yourself.

[pebbles]

You can't access profiles and such until you've made 15 posts yourself.

That's stupid.

Very well how I was on susans three years ago. ie very confused very depressed.

I suppose I'm a 20 year old... male... I guess.

Basically I've got... strange feelings that I can't discuss with anyone hence why I guess I came here.
Since I was 16 (might have been earlier but I honestly can't remeber) I've had strange dreams about begin a girl and living a happy life as a girl. No biggie, I suppose everyone has those at some point. However as I've gotten older these feelings have become stronger manifesting in strange ways as I make concessions to the feelings as coping mechanisms. I suppose it's relevant to mention some of the things I've done.

1: Growing my hair long, As I can pull it off. although I got some complaints from family members they have no suspicion of anything greater.

2: Epilating my facial hair and body hair... A strong hate has arisen for my masculine characteristics as I've gone through puberty, I intend to eventually get one of those home electrolysis kits and remove it permanently.

3: Crossdressing as convincingly as I can and introducing myself online as female and when queried about some personal detail offering those photographs as images of myself (As it is actually a picture of me I don't feel like i'm lying. Although I technically am... I think I don't know...)

4: One time when I gained abit of weight rather than thinking anything typical or conventional I thought.
"Hey thats not so bad I might even grow some cute boobs." I don't think Thats a good response.

5: I also feel happy and warm and complimented whenever someone mistakes me for a girl... Usually cuz of  the long hair. I suspect socially I'm supposed to feel bad and insulted about such mistakes other guys do. But I can't.

I thought they would fade somewhat after puberty (I presumed the feelings were associated insecurities about my changing body) They haven't.

Whereas my 'Strangest Feelings' consisted of harmless activities since the start of this year my hatred is becoming fixed more strongly on my Testis.

I have a desire to... Urr... destroy them, This is certainly not normal either. As a person who used to self harm and the fact that I'm studying a biology degree starting end of this month, I would not doubt my ability to do it but closing up would be hard.

Although I can repress this want at the moment... it only takes one stressful moment to weaken me and unable to cope.

Ultimate problem is nobody in my life even suspects so I can't possibly tell them and I have no life-lines of help, I'm not even certain what I have counts as a real problem hense why I'm unwilling to refer to myself as female here.
Ostensibly to this doubt I'm unwilling to go get 'Professional Council' Other transsexual stories I've heard they knew from childhood, I didn't. and I've been brought up as a boy with no obvious signs of early rejection of my male identity I think my feelings are recent.
Although not a conventional male in personality I'm certainly not a conventional female either (Interests: Biology, Computers, Politics, Art, Psychology) and I'm worried about them saying "Oh yeah you don't have a problem it's just lacking confidence." And then I go off and do previously mentioned reckless activity in a deranged effort prove to myself.

-------------------

I asked myself some of the probing questions that you people asked;
"Would you want to live full time as female?"
Two Criteria must be met before I can be happy in doing that. 1st: I need to be more convincing, ALL Masculine features must be destroyed and I would need least ONE female physical trait . 2nd: Of my Friends and Family I need the emotional acceptance of ONE of those groups. Both would be ideal but one is the minimum.

"If you could get SRS today would you accept?"
Yes... I hate my testicals, And I am emotionally despondent towards my penis.
although a strong desire *for* a Vagina I wouldn't be upset by it I would probably accept it happily in time.


---------------------

Why I haven't transitioned or gotten help yet?

Everything in the official system designed to resist me and yet I despite this I don't know for certain what side I'm on Or what I even am... Although I'm never happy begin male, Sometimes it just doesn't hurt, other times My body is so painful and obviously wrong I feel sick, guilty and angry for even thinking I could carry on and live this way.

Even if doing nothing is undesirable in any light everyone I know expects me to hold on... And because I hate myself I will do that alone even if it means I will live for a short time and then die empty.

----------------------

It is as I thought... So I went to see my GP as it's a prerequisite here in the UK, I told him what I thought, Specifically about GID bear in mind I've only seen this man once before and that was so he could give me a meningitis vaccination.

Now remeber this guy has seen my arm. When he gave me said vaccination he also saw my arm which is webbed with keiloid scar formation as I've been self harming (nearly completely unknown) since I was 13. (I'm almost 21 now)

Anyways yeah he was unwilling to write a referral for GID he however "Advised" (in the same way he "Advised" my Vaccination) that I talk to a councilor about depression.

Obviously I'm abit more pragmatic and not so implacable these days... both towards myself and others...  I look at it and I think I was a different person then... really I wasn't I'm the same person who's in a slightly better and knows themselves more although not yet ideal place these days.

It's so verbose because I was confused and still trying to work this stuff out and I hadn't spoken to anybody about my feelings EVER.

[Farm Boy]

They honestly don't know if their feelings are real or not, if they're suppressed or emergent, or what to do about them. They are quite unsure how to work things out.

Have others experienced this? How did you go about resolving this question for yourself?

P.s. -- there's another thread discussing how early people knew. I'm actually not interested in that question or responses to such things. Please don't just tell me "you knew since age N". I'm asking specifically for people that were confused and what process they used to work it out.

I think there are probably many people here who went through or are going through this.  I know I'm one of them.  I'm seeing a gender therapist to sort things out and determine whether my feelings are genuine or made up/imagined.  From what she says though, people tend to be more transgendered than they think, and not less, and the fact that you're even questioning it makes it all the more likely.

My feelings have been persistent for most of my life, and I'm 20, so they're not likely to go away.  I've found it very helpful to come to Susan's, read about ->-bleeped-<- and transsexuals, and watch youtube videos documenting trans guys' (if your friend think they are MtF there are trans women vids too) transitions.  Basically, the more I learn, the more I discover about myself.  It would also be a great idea for your friend to see a gender therapist.  They can help bring up things from your past (or present) that you may not have connected to your GID.

I also like to write stuff in a Word document and ask myself questions like "How would I feel if I woke up in the opposite gender's body?" and "How do I feel about the world viewing me as my birth sex?" and "Would I be comfortable being in a relationship with someone while being seen as my birth sex?  Why or why not?" and any thoughts I have on the subject of gender. 

Hopefully some of this was helpful.

[imnotaboy]

Thanks, folks, this has been helpful. I've pointed my friend here to read your responses and they told me they've helped.

Muchas gracias!