How to deal with ignorance

[Squirrel698]

I was curious how other's here deal with rude people.  My son is in therapy for speech.  The receptionist referred to me with a female pronoun.  She's a bit in your face so I was a bit hesitant about correcting her.  However I had all ready politely asked her not to call me ma'am so I figured I would try again.  I explained to her nicely about my transition hoping she would at least respect my position.

However she said and I quote, "Well it's confusing to me because you still look female".  The implication was that she wasn't going to change what she doing.  How do I approach this?  I see her every week and have to to do something about this.

I found it harsh because I was feeling pretty good up to that point.  Mostly men are calling me 'man' at the gym and bars.  Some don't say anything but I can almost sense when I pass or not.  However it's not just about passing, it's about respect and I'm not getting any from this woman.  I don't want to just ignore her because this is a situation that might come up again.

This is typed on my iPod so sorry if there are mistakes.

[Nimetön]

I have obviously not had this specific problem, but I have been in analogous situations.  While you have no right to regulate the speech of others, it is not the receptionist's job to insult or to alienate clients; I suggest that a polite clarification is in order.

"Well it's confusing to me because you still look female to me".

"It's quite alright; I understand your confusion, and so I am providing you with clarification so as to preclude any further misunderstandings.  So far as you and your office are concerned, I am male, and am to be referred to in the masculine pronoun during these interviews.  Now, as regards my child's appointment..."

There is no need for emotion.  Simply make direct and constant eye contact, and exhibit no emotion.  You are male, and this is a business transaction.

- N

[lilacwoman]

/quote]

she works for some health related office to be dealing with your son's speech problem and it is certain that such offices will have policies for dealing with gender so you need to put in a formal complaint or request to the manager about the receptionist's attitude.
In the past I've corrected such staff and they have apologised and made sure to use the correct terms the next time - although when I was in hospital for knee op the head nurse spoke to me through gritted teeth and made sure she did not use any gender terms which was her small minded way of letting me know she did not approve of sexchange.

[Cindy]

She is 'supposed' to be a professional therapist.

Quite easily and unashamedly tell her that you will not tolerate her lack of manners. Who is her superior and how do you lodge and official complaint for her non-professional attitude. I would lay the voice recorder on the desk before hand and tell her you are recording the conversation and read back what she said previously and ask if it was a true record.  I would then have her dismissed and threaten to sue the ass off the dept unless your son got the help he needs.

People like this are not needed in the professions.

IMOCindy

[Janet_Girl]

Just call her "Bob".   When she says something, reply with now you know how I feel, especially if it is something like I am not Bob I am so and so, or I am a woman not a man.

But you get the idea.

Good luck with the ignorant.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

When people are ignorant to me I'm either ignorant right back or I act professional and ask them to refer to me as he and Leo. Depends who they are and what they are to me. IE: If it's the receptionists at my shrink, I'm professional about it. I don't get rude, although I feel like it. If it's a so called friend or stranger or someone I don't ahve to be nice to....I'll be nice about it then if they continue being ignorant I'll be ignorant right back. And if they persist after that, whether its a professional encounter or not, I'll just leave that situation before I blow up. If I can't leave that situation I just grit my teeth and bear it. Not much else I can do after that.

I had this issue yesterday at the library. Was going to get a new library card and the librarian is sitting there, after seeing my ID and is showing me how to fill the form out (do I look dumb?). She's like "circle your sex...what sex are you?" Now I wouldn't have minded as much if there weren't two people standing behind me in clear earshot from us. I gritted my teeth, looked her in the eye and said male. that was that. She didn't use any pronouns or name with me thank god. if she did I may have gotten rude. But really what she did was pretty rude.

[Squirrel698]

Thank you everyone for your advice.  I was pretty upset last night about it but I'm feeling better today.

It's a shame that we have to deal with these people.  Even worse in a professional environment.  If she gets it wrong again especially after I explained it all to her then I will alert the manager.  I did talk to my child's actual therapist and she was wonderful about it.  Most people are even if they don't understand.  It's just the odd snag that thinks they can impose their views on me. 

Just call her "Bob".   When she says something, reply with now you know how I feel, especially if it is something like I am not Bob I am so and so, or I am a woman not a man.

lol, this is perfect thanks Janet. 

I had this issue yesterday at the library. Was going to get a new library card and the librarian is sitting there, after seeing my ID and is showing me how to fill the form out (do I look dumb?). She's like "circle your sex...what sex are you?" Now I wouldn't have minded as much if there weren't two people standing behind me in clear earshot from us. I gritted my teeth, looked her in the eye and said male. that was that. She didn't use any pronouns or name with me thank god. if she did I may have gotten rude. But really what she did was pretty rude.

Good for you Zombie!  I find it easier to stand up to some people than others.  Depends on their personality and attitude.  I'm glad you got male down on that form at least.  Even if it is just a library card, just a victory.   

she works for some health related office to be dealing with your son's speech problem and it is certain that such offices will have policies for dealing with gender so you need to put in a formal complaint or request to the manager about the receptionist's attitude.
In the past I've corrected such staff and they have apologised and made sure to use the correct terms the next time - although when I was in hospital for knee op the head nurse spoke to me through gritted teeth and made sure she did not use any gender terms which was her small minded way of letting me know she did not approve of sexchange.

Most people do apologize I have found when corrected.  That's fine and I can just move on.  When they don't it is the same as accusing you personally of having a problem.  It is their problem because they offended you even if it was unintentional.  It bothers me and at this point I still lack the complete confidence to make a stand.

"It's quite alright; I understand your confusion, and so I am providing you with clarification so as to preclude any further misunderstandings.  So far as you and your office are concerned, I am male, and am to be referred to in the masculine pronoun during these interviews.  Now, as regards my child's appointment..."

There is no need for emotion.  Simply make direct and constant eye contact, and exhibit no emotion.  You are male, and this is a business transaction.

No emotion, I have to remember that.  Unfortunately a big part of me still doubts my presentation and then I get nervous.  It's not a pretty scene unfortunately when that happens.  I am gaining in self belief but it's tough from time to time.  Thanks Nimetön

She is 'supposed' to be a professional therapist.

Quite easily and unashamedly tell her that you will not tolerate her lack of manners. Who is her superior and how do you lodge and official complaint for her non-professional attitude. I would lay the voice recorder on the desk before hand and tell her you are recording the conversation and read back what she said previously and ask if it was a true record.  I would then have her dismissed and threaten to sue the ass off the dept unless your son got the help he needs.

This is exactly what I will do if she ever disrespected me or my children again.  I don't see why I should tolerate bigotry when I am paying them.

[Nimetön]

This is exactly what I will do if she ever disrespected me or my children again.  I don't see why I should tolerate bigotry when I am paying them.

That is a very poor idea, and a very feminine reaction.  Additionally, depending on your jurisdiction, the use of a voice recorder can result in fines or imprisonment.  In Illinois, specifically, you risk civil liability.

Remember: Your doctor is not required to treat your child, and may refuse service based on your disruptive behavior.  By overreacting and by insisting on more than your money is worth, you become the problem to which your doctor must react.  The goal of this exercise for for her to be the problem, and to be reprimanded by your doctor for abusing a perfectly reasonable gentleman and for generally disrupting the flow of business.

- N

[Squirrel698]

That is a very poor idea, and a very feminine reaction.  Additionally, depending on your jurisdiction, the use of a voice recorder can result in fines or imprisonment.  In Illinois, specifically, you risk civil liability.

Remember: Your doctor is not required to treat your child, and may refuse service based on your disruptive behavior.  By overreacting and by insisting on more than your money is worth, you become the problem to which your doctor must react.  The goal of this exercise for for her to be the problem, and to be reprimanded by your doctor for abusing a perfectly reasonable gentleman and for generally disrupting the flow of business.

- N

Oh hmph, I'm passionate all right.  No I don't think I would actually use a voice recorder.  I agree that's going a bit far but it sounded good in my head where I want pay back for her humiliating me for no reason. 

I would however alert her supervisor if she insists on not respecting the perfectly reasonable method of addressing me that I asked politely for.

[Farm Boy]

That is a very poor idea, and a very feminine reaction.

I disagree.  I've seen many more men call people on something and demand to see a supervisor than women.  The women I've seen tend to get extra polite and then bad mouth the person later.  Not to say that this goes for everyone, just my experience.

As for it being a bad idea, if you've repeatedly asked her to address you correctly and she has refused, I think it's well within your rights to call her on it.  Possibly calling her Bob while you do.

[jmaxley]

I have an acquaintance who refused to use my male name, she said I'd always be *girl name* to her.  I started calling her Herman.  Took a few days for her to get the idea, but now she's the only one who doesn't slip up and call me by my girl's name.

[Calistine]

I went to an intensive group therapy program back in March and the staff was pretty ignorant. When I said I wanted to be called Kyle in group my clinician was like kay...since when? And she told my dad. If he were not accepting she could have put me in a really bad situation. She was really weirded out. I had to correct her about pronouns a lot as well as the rest of the staff. The fact that they treated and saw me as female even though they didnt know me hurt so bad. They refused to call me Kyle and he outside of group( they legally "have to" call me my birth name and she, they said" and called me a girl when doing drug screens.
I screamed at my clinician once like I had never screamed at anyone in my life before. I did not tolerate it at all. Uggh...how did I deal with it? Had no choice. I couldn't quit because it looks good on my insurance to say I successfully completed the program.
Post Merge: August 11, 2010, 01:03:35 AM

I have an acquaintance who refused to use my male name, she said I'd always be *girl name* to her.  I started calling her Herman.  Took a few days for her to get the idea, but now she's the only one who doesn't slip up and call me by my girl's name.

Someone wrote this to me on my formspring about me and my friend who is also trans. I didn't care because they couldn't tell me who they were. I can understand that its hard for people to adjust but if they flat out say Youll always be birth name to me, then you aren't worth their time to try and adjust to who you really are. And why would you be friends with someone who can't see you?

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Sometimes I feel threatened when dealing with any sort of confrontation..not even related to trans issues. The longer I'm on T, the more that goes away and I can throw aside my emotion and nervousness and just get the business done.