Confusion(again)

[Calistine]

I posted this on the private part of the forum and noone replied so I thought it would be better to post this on a public thread. I just don't want to feel alone.
Usually I feel male and don't like being called a girl. I used to feel very comfortable with my physique asserting that I'm proud to be a shrimpy little man. But my gender has been flunctuating lately, possibly because I just stopped taking my estrogen filled birth control 2 weeks ago. I'm full time now and I feel pressure to man up. Im dysphoric about my arms because they look like twigs rather than meaty like a typical mans arm. I feel like I have to get into gear but don't have what it takes. It's like I don't qualify at being a man. Yes I know there are fem transmen, but this is more physically not feeling good enough. I feel like I should just be female and im somewhat weak, like I won't be comfortable as a man and have to go into my female/feminne comfort zone. I think because as a male I have to be stronger and more independent and I'm not used to that so it's like a culture shock for me. Also paranoia from lack of t and not being able to pass. Perhaps I need to slow down. Any other guys feel this way? It's hard to explain. I often try to fight these doubts by going to sleep to escape or dissociating because I have gone too far to be phased by this.
On a positive note, my facial hair has been growing back in more since I stopped the birth control and I do like it

[insideontheoutside]

It's like I don't qualify at being a man.

...only by society's screwed up standards would you "not qualify" and that's not even 100%. Think about the qualities that make a good man - they're really the qualities that make a good HUman: honest, integrity, respect, dedication, etc. etc. It's not about muscles or facial hair or height, or even having a penis that functions like everyone else's. It took me a long time to actually realize that and to literally go against the grain with society's perceptions of "maleness" and just be who I really AM.

You said it's more of just physically not feeling good enough, but why do you feel that way? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's because you have an ideal, just like the rest of society does about what a man should look like. Truth be told, men (those born into the body and those who just ARE) come in all shapes and sizes ... just like women do.

If you feel you would just be more confident and comfortable if you appeared more male, how about joining a gym or just working out more? That and good nutrition (for instance, you can take protein shakes to help "bulk up" some) can go really far to help with that.

Good luck!

[Squirrel698]

I know where you are coming from Kyle.  I do have height on my side which does help but 5'10" is still pretty small in comparison to some.  My arms are also small and even though I workout like crazy and take suppliments like crazy they still are small.  I just keep telling myself it just takes time to build muscle I still get impatient.  Plus my hips are still wider than I would like and my love handles are also being stubborn. 

Sometimes I wonder just why I am going through all of this.  All this confusion and alienation of my family.   The constant fighting against the world and having to come out to people over and over again.  Dealing with their innane questions and misunderstandings. i.e. This does not make me a lesbian of all things.   What does it really matter in the long run what gender I am.  Then I remember the horrible feeling I had when I was fully female.  I felt like I was sinking in a vortex of hell spining downward unable to stop.  Because it was all wrong people would try to force me into a mold I absolutely did not fit.  Even with all the problems now at least I have freedom to be myself and that is huge.  Should be a basic human right.

Your body and face will change over time Kyle as will mine.  Transition is tough but we are going towards a goal.  At least I am as we are different and I don't know where you are.  But I will get there by hook or by crook and even if the bad times are bad there are many good times to come.

[notyouraverageguy]

A lot of guys feel this way, we all go through this 'will I ever be "man" enough' phase. And its because of what society makes it. Just be you, everybody is different. Believe it or not, we all come in tons of shapes and sizes. I've seen bioguys with feminie figures, I knew bioguys with scrawny arms, there are bioguys that are really short even in adulthood.
So don't feel bad about your body, or lack of masculinity.
I hate that the world makes it this certain way guys have to be. Guys smile, guys laugh, guys have feminine sides, guys can be sensitive, guys can be weak, guys can seem gay and not be.
That's why I agree with my saying so much, that gender expression is not gender identity. Just because you know you're a guy, doesn't mean you have to be the stereotypical guy.
Stop looking at the negatives of what's 'wrong' with you, and look at the positives. I say the only real thing you have against you is voice, other than that just be YOU. And be happy with youself, that's all that matters. It sucks that we rely so much on what others think though.

[notyouraverageguy]

I just realized that what I said agrees with insideontheoutside.

[insideontheoutside]

I just realized that what I said agrees with insideontheoutside.

*hi5*!

[zombiesarepeaceful]

"Paranoia from lack of T...."

Been there done that. It wasn't until I got on T that I felt any better about my scrawnyness. Sorry I can't offer more advice.

I also tended to be hypermasculine pre-T. I felt like I had to compensate for what masculinity my body lacked. I'm only now starting to accept myself as a gay male. And I don't act all....overly manly anymore cause I know I pass, since T.