I was reading today through Julia Serano's book, Whipping Girl, and I came to page174, chapter Third-Gendering and Third-Sexism.
She writes there something like, that cissexual people are too often third-gendering trans people. Then she goes to suggest that ".. the tendency to third-gender people stems from both gender entitlement and oppositional sexism."
Then it dawned to me. My experience and identity are far from that of trans woman. I could not settle for changing myself into a woman. I don't experience it that way. From one box - male, I would go to other box - woman.. No. I wish something else.
I realized there and then, that I am precisely that: a third gender.
Although I am happy that nowadays there are so many books of trans-issues, I feel in myself a growing opposition against Americacentrism. San Francisco or Chicago is not the whole world. What I miss... is.. for example.. is Russian, or Indian point of view. I have a feeling, that I might identify more easily with the hijras, than with western transgender people.
We have a typical western mind - patriarchal, masculine-dominated world view.. we are grown in it... and I would like to change this. Mahatma Gandhi used to say, western people need not to come to India, they can find India from the west, by becoming Indians in their own countries.
I can not believe that ->-bleeped-<-, and SRS, or HRT are a final answer. I mean; becoming less masculine, and more feminine is good step forward, it requires courage, and I respect it as such.. A bigger change would be de-westernization; becoming Indian in Gandhian style.
I would like to understand more about the way of hijra, and be able to compare it with this modern western ->-bleeped-<-. The modern way seems to me sometimes to be more like endless talk of NGO policies, organizational issues and pragmatism.
How did people do transitioning before modern medical science? How to do transitioning in Old-School methods? What is a hijra, what have they been, and what they are now? What is the third sex? How is the experience of eunuchs, compared with modern transsexuals? Is there ethical or moral point of view? ...
May be, this desire to be in "girl mode" is similar than the desire to fall in love with a woman. It is such a sweet feeling. I would like to have it for ever. My heart would like to suck sweet honey, like a bee... I feel I should get over that craving. May be it is just an addiction. Not sexual... but erotic; autoerotic.. or subconscious/emotional.