a girl throws everything out of whack! what the hell?

[Daszuber]

So, recently, I accepted who I am, a girl in a boy's body - and am very happy about fixing the mistake...I told some people, bought some feminine clothes, shaved my legs, found transgender support groups, planning my big OUTing etc...
and then, tonight, a girl that I liked before shows up at a party and it's like WHOA - I wanna stay a guy and ask her out...and like WHAT?! This throws everything out of whack! Is it my male side fighting for one last hope to stay male? I feel so comfortable about feeling female around absolutly everyone else and want to be girlfriends with all the girls I know and everything and want to make the change but....she just throws a monkey wrench in my plans! and I am purely baffled as what is going on in my life!
Has this happened to anyone else before?
I asked her out like 8 months ago and she said no, and, with my male thinking mind back then, she was basically the perfect woman for me - smart, funny, beautiful, career driven, etc...but I was sure all those feelings about wanting to live a male life and be with a woman were gone. Cuz I don't even think about women anymore...except all of a sudden her! But it's only her that confuses me, and everyone else, I want to tell so bad about my want to change my gender...HELP!

[JosephKT]

Don't let it get to you too bad, these things happen.  There are people who grow up their entire lives being straight or gay then all of the sudden one day meet someone of the gender they are not normally attracted to and it throws everything off.  Let's face it, humans are wired interestingly and sometimes we react very unexpectedly.  Especially if you're young, you may find that your feelings change more frequently or they can continue to seem to run a little hay-wire.  Just don't let it question yourself too much.

[Alainaluvsu]

Well, if you havn't heard it yet, let me be the first to tell ya: transsexualism has nothing to do with sexuality. I'd go so far as to say it has very little to do with personality, and mostly has to do with the way you feel comfortable expressing yourself / how you project yourself to the world.

Just keep that in mind.. you can feel that girl is the one all day long, but it doesn't mean you are or are not transgendered.

[Nicky]

I'm not sure I understand 

Perhaps you have not had experience yet with being in a relationship as a woman so your fall back position is always going to be what you know i.e. from a guy dating a woman perspective?

On the other hand there is a suggestion in your post that you are a little uncomfortable with the thought of being a female that likes women. Perhaps you have some internalised homophobia? This is ok if that is what it is, it will be something you just have to work through. Lots of lesbian woman have to work through this exact same thing, but they got to do it way earlier.

Sometimes feelings of love can mask our desire to transition or cross dress too, but it always comes back. It happens a lot with us - trans girl meets girl, vows to self they will purge, is happy for a time, some time down the track it all comes back with a vengence, heartache all around. It is just not worth going there.

So if you want to ask her out, make sure you do it as the woman you are, not the pretend guy you were.

[Daszuber]

@Nicky - wow - that gives me a lot to think about - but you are right about it always coming back - with a vengance sometimes too...
and...hmm well @ Alainaluvsu, I do want to project myself as a woman to the world I do I do I do I do...but wow, as far over on the feminine side I feel, she threw me that far on the masculine side. and it was like a fistfight inside me al night, but yeah... I guess ...now that I think more about it, maybe it wass just the concept of being with her that I like...like women are awesome, and are beautiful, anyone can agree, if they are attracted to them or nt I believe....and I guess, that's where I fell in
wow, this actually calmed me down...3 posts and 3 things that i take out of it are very helpful: 1) humans are wired interestingly, 2) the way you feel comfortable expressing yourself / how you project yourself to the world, 3) it always comes back. It happens a lot with us
those words almost made me cry, truthfully...what an emotional day, but....you are all completly right with that...thank you so much
I guess it's safe to say that going from a guy's guy to wanting to complete womanhood will be a struggle
just when I thought it couldn't get any more difficult for my own understanding....haha
thanks again 

[JosephKT]

just when I thought it couldn't get any more difficult for my own understanding....haha

It's a process to be sure 

[Cindy]

Hi Daszuber,
As others have said sex and gender are totally different. Lots of girls fancy girls, Lots of boys fancy boys; and there are even boys and girls who fancy each other

Your feelings may also change when on HRT. They may not.

And remember there is absolutely nothing wrong with homosexuality, it's as totally normal as heterosexuality.

Hugs
Cindy

[Colleen Ireland]

Sometimes feelings of love can mask our desire to transition or cross dress too, but it always comes back. It happens a lot with us - trans girl meets girl, vows to self they will purge, is happy for a time, some time down the track it all comes back with a vengence, heartache all around. It is just not worth going there.

So if you want to ask her out, make sure you do it as the woman you are, not the pretend guy you were.

@daszuber - take this seriously.  I'm starting to think I'm getting boring on this subject - search my posts to see my story.  I've been married 31 years, and have 3 adult kids.  I did NOT deal with this well in my youth, and met and fell in love with my wife before getting it worked out.  Anyway, I'm trying not to repeat myself, but DON'T let what happened to me, happen to you.

[cynthialee]

I am married to a woman. Being in love fiercly with hir was a major impediment to starting transition. Luckily I got over it and ze accepts me as is. Anyways....<my wife is androgyne so I use gender nuetral pronouns for hir>
All my adult life I have been in romantic relationships with women. For years I figured because I like women so much that I couldn't possibly be trans. Wrong! For years I ussed my relationships as an excuse. But each year the dysphoria returned stronger than the last time. That all pervading need to transition would raise its head and I would try and hide my psyche inside of my relationship. Ussually this is a good safe haven against issues but GID will not be denied. You are fighting yourself, you can not win without seriously damaging your soul. Only when the transsexual surenders to self is she/he truely free. Only when you embrace your self as is can you know peace.
Like others have said, gender and sexual orientation have little to do with eachother.
(oh...BTW. When you start HRT you might find that you are sudenly interested in men. Sexual orientation sometimes changes when a transsexual transitions. )

[Daszuber]

In a bit of irony, my friend that I came out to was talking to her gay friends, and they have a friend that did change gender and became a lesbian! I never thought of it before and now that's 2 different places I heard about it hahaha small world
I don't think I'll be thinking of girls much, but it's good to know there are are many possibilities which leaves me to ask- how many issues do I have?! Hahaha ...one thing at a time though
thanks again for the help!

[Vanessa_yhvh]

One thing to add re: biochemistry.

If you're full of testosterone, which is normal for a healthy, young male, and you encounter somebody you find super attractive, your body chemistry is going to tend to make you feel certain ways, and it is literally just chemistry.

Since I started on androgen blockers and estrogen, I still encounter women I find mighty fine. But my body chemistry doesn't turn me into a cave troll when it happens. 

It's way less confusing now.

[cynthialee]

Since I started on androgen blockers and estrogen, I still encounter women I find mighty fine. But my body chemistry doesn't turn me into a cave troll when it happens.  It's way less confusing now.

This. Also my standards have gone up.

[Nicky]

I don't think my standards have gone up! but I can get away with perving a lot more now that I pass 

[Kairi]

In all, this thread has somewhat woke my brains up got me thinking a few things...

I can relate to the OP Daszuber. For a very long time I felt that I was a girl in a boy's body and the only times I felt different was when I had girls that I liked. This has happened twice in my life so far. Naturally I am not the typical alpha male who picks up 10 girls in a year, I was never good with relationships and never really had one as a matter of fact.

The first time this happened was when I was in secondary school. I liked a girl in my class and all of a sudden my life-long ambition of being a girl myself has somehow disappeared into the blues and I felt like a ordinary boy trying to chase a girl. I was however, really unsure of what to do and I never told her my feelings or pursued anything. We left after exams and I never had contact with her again. Slowly my male feelings began to diminish and my feminine soul showed up again... it took about 9 months for the switchover to happen. Although I had my girly feelings back, it did not last for longs, as I soon liked someone else.

When I was in college, I had feelings for another girl. Although I somehow told her that I had feelings for her, I never pursued anything. Although I was still deeply attracted to her, we remained friends for about 3 years until my father's death. Before my father's death, she was playing games, cancelling dates and what not. She continued to do play games immediately after my father's death and showed no respect. To cut a long story short, I was angry and thought, the hell with her and just gave up on this person completely. Within weeks, the feeling of wanting to be a girl has returned and has remained since.

So to summarise... For all this time whilst I had a crush on a girl, I've pretty much lost all my "girly feelings". Maybe to max my chance with her or due to the way that traditional relationships work... or perhaps it's just chemistry messing my body up... I really don't know. Speaking on a high level, it's simply the ego defense mechanism suppression kicking in. However as soon as the love feeling fade. I felt like a girl and "normal" again. I agree, the feeling just comes back no matter what.

After reading how often relationship falls apart when one partner exposes their desire to transition and those who decides to marry and settle down as is often unhappy later on in life... the fact that I never had a relationship yet is probably a blessing in disguise!

[Rock_chick]

To the OP, you never know, you may just meet a girl who you're attracted to as a woman and who will actually make you feel more feminine (her knowing about you is pretty much a pre-requsite of this though)...I did.