Wondering about something - a future issue...

[Colleen Ireland]

Just wondering what possible options there might be for this - I'm sure there are girls who've faced it before and come up with all kinds of creative and wonderful ways to handle it...

I'm talking about what do your kids call you after transition?  "Dad" is no longer appropriate, or desirable, and "Mom" is taken, and besides, you're not their mom.  First name?  Isn't there something less formal?  More intimate, a term of endearment (assuming there's still any of THAT)?  I can't think of a solution to this, other than asking to be called by my first name, but that doesn't seem entirely satisfactory.  Ideas?

[alexia elliot]

It certainly is a tough question, as tough for us as it is for kids. I would imagine the younger they are the easier it would be. I have a secret wish that when I am fully and truly transitioned I will resemble female so much that even calling me dad, wouldn't really matter, perhaps be even kind of funny in ways. But I also realize that such passability remains a dream at the moment. Personally, I don't care if my kids call me dad til the rest of my life here, after all all they know in the core of their psyche is just that. It is totally up to them, and shall remain their own choice.

[JessicaR]

That was a tough one...

   My kids were 5 and 3 when I started living full time...  I involved my ex-wife in the decision as her support would be necessary in the matter. We knew it was going to be an issue after a night at Golden Corral in a place I'll call Redneckville, FL.  My daughter came running up to me, so excited ... "Daddy!!! They have pizza!!!" It was like a scene from an old western when everyone stopped what they were doing and turned their heads in unison.  I talked to my daughter, the five year old, about it.....
  I told her that I would always be her Daddy, no matter what. I said that calling me Daddy in front of other people,though,  would get them confused because I was a girl now. As most kids do, she understood completely. We tried using "Daddy" in private and my first name, "Jess" in public. Over time, it evolved to calling me, "Jess," all the time. My son followed suit. They're 7 and 4 now... They never refer to me as, "Daddy," anymore. It's the only part of being male that I really miss. That was probably the hardest part of my transition... knowing that my role as a parent was changing forever and that there were certain facets of the relationship with my kids that were always going to be, "alternative." They sometimes say that they miss, "him." I think that, after carefully considering the context of the statement, they're really saying that they miss Mommy and Daddy being together and us all living in our old house.
  On the flip side, I feel that my ability and effectiveness as a parent has improved dramatically since transition... I'm not withdrawn and depressed anymore, the weight of being in the closet is gone.  "Jess," is just what they call me... They KNOW I'm their parent no matter what the label.

[Jillieann Rose]

I have hear of some having there children call them by there first name but not me.
My children had told me when I first came out to them that they could never call me mom and i don't want that.  I told them that they should always call me dad because that is what I will always be to them and I am also a grandpa.
And I don't care who hears them call me dad and grandpa.
Jillieann

[Colleen Ireland]

It is totally up to them, and shall remain their own choice.

True, but they may ask "So what should we call you?", and I hope to have a suggestion or two, of what I would like them to call me, and of course it all hinges on whether or not they totally reject me.  They are, at this point, 18, 24 and 26 (the oldest is a daughter, the other two are sons).  I have the best relationship with the youngest.  I'm pretty sure he won't reject me outright.  The other two, I'm not so sure.  Of course, a lot depends on what happens with my marriage, too - trying to work that out at the moment.  My wife is currently going through a grieving process, and hasn't yet learned much about what I'm going through.  I got a book this week, though, that may help - "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals" by Mildred L. Brown.  I've read about half of it, it is a VERY good book.  I'm hoping it will help her understand and cope...

[JessicaR]

I passed around that same book! It's pretty awesome    There's something about seeing things in print that validates information for people.

[Ms.Behavin]

When it's just me and my three children it's dad... which is sort of weird.  In public it's first name or aunt first name which sort of works.  Still weird for me and the kids.....

Beni

[Colleen Ireland]

I guess for some things there's just no getting over the wierdness (sigh).  And, of course, when the grandkids start coming, that'll be a whole other kettle of wierdness...

[Steph]

My daughter is 30 now, married and I have a grandson.  When I transitioned I vowed not to impact her life anymore that it already had.  She and her husband call me by my first name which is okay with me. We all know that I'm her dad and that's the important thing, the label is irrelevant.  Obviously it is a little harder with young children so I'm lucky that way.  I don't get to see my grandson very often and when I'm there I'm comfortable with aunt Steph after all I look like an aunt

Steph

[Nicky]

I wanted to be mum, or mummy. I don't see why we can't. We are women, they are our kids....

But my wife was dead against it. so I suggested Mumushka as an alternative. That was knocked back too. I was ok with dad, but lately it just seems weird, and it was kind of dangerous in public bathrooms with my kids. I could be Tatushka which is equivalent to saying a female daddy in Polish. But I wanted to get away from daddy altogether.

So my kids call me Nicky.  They are 1 and 3.

I don't really like it that much, I liked the recognition that I am their parent, but it is better than daddy to me.

Oh I heard one trans girl have her kids call her Maddy (mum-daddy).

[Cruelladeville]

If they be of late teen age or adult generation then I guess its first names....the only person I knew that handled this well chose this particular routine...her girls where 12 & 16 at the time...

But Mummy for them realistically you can never be.... and why should you be?

(Though it would be a living reality that Dad as such has gone I'm afraid in a physical sense).....if very post SRS yous be...

However if they're much younger.... (this is unlikely to be the case I their minds eye)....and wouldn't come easily for them either....

It's a tough call.... with no simple answers....

And if your spouse/partner is highly faith bound religiously driven it adds even more complication....

Ouch....indeed....

[Melody Maia]

This thread brought tears to my eyes. My son is 8 and we are very close. My therapist brought it up in our last session, but grieving being his father (and his grief process) is going to be tough. I guess this question really brings it home for me.

Funny thing is that half the time my son calls me mommy now and has done so for quite some time. That can sometimes become "Mommy-Daddy" as if it were one word. That might be a thought to formalize that out in public. Otherwise, I would like him to call me Dad when we are alone or around friends/family. In public, "D" would be ok. It is the first initial to my current name and what many people call me now. It is also a convenient nick-name for Melody and also the first letter in Dad. I guess that could work, but I really resent that we have to hide even our parentage. I am doing this so that I don't have to hide and keep secrets anymore!

[Colleen Ireland]

... but I really resent that we have to hide even our parentage. I am doing this so that I don't have to hide and keep secrets anymore!

Amen to that, Sister!  My "kids" are 18, 24 and 26, and I really dread the moment when they find out about me.  At this point (look at my ticker below), I've only recently come out to myself.  I'm out to my wife also, and she's having a really hard time with it.  Not sure what's eventually going to happen with the marriage.  But it would really break my heart if my kids were to disown me...

[LordKAT]

My kids are from 21 to 27 and call me mom. My grandkids call me grandpa. The kids are difficult to to deal with and sometimes weird things happen like when my daughter and I were pulled over by police. (He looked at me funny at first,  but used he and such with my daughter.) If they were to ask, I think I would be hoping to say call me something in-between or unique as a stepkid does with her step dad, a nickname. They say they have too many dads and I was the only constant in their lives so they won't do that. So far I let them use what they will. My one son doesn't call me anything.

Maybe just let them know that you aren't deserting them and they may call you what they feel comfortable with. Maybe ask them for ideas onwhat to call you as they are certainly old enough to come up with ideas of what is comfortable for both of you.

[Cruelladeville]

*just let them know that you aren't deserting them*

Seems like excellent advice from LordK.....me thinks!

And no matter what...you'll always be a parent figure for them (and over time if you're always there for them, then can keep trusting in that)....... but with kids peer group pressure is also key..... so if they were of an age to be still at school how you'd handle attending parent/teacher evenings or school sports days/event is anyone's guess?

In the main kids today seem very accepting of genuine difference if they're being brought up in non-faith schools...

As an aside I loved this from a kid's movie not so long ago...



And gender-blending has been out as a more palatable subject for some years now...

But your kids Colleen are surely grown-ups by now at the ages you state?

So hopefully will give you some slack re your predicament, giving them all individual copies of 'True Selves' soon might be a good starting point...for you?

Before you present them fait au compli with the new you, fully en-femme?

As to you yer marriage, if your wife is a typical hetero woman, then I'd doubt she'll handle it long-term or accept it well....my partner certainly didn't...

And now looking back I can fully understand why (I was 29 she was 26)....I was desperate to remain friends with her though..... but from her point of view....I'd badly let her down... she'd not made a life choice with me that involved another woman...(me)!! She's always wanted kids you see....

With time I fully accepted what had transpired....but I know it triggered some serious solo counselling for her too....so what we do can undermine their identity's too...

Ponder that....

In a sense I think we do die (if you fully and successfully transition).....as such... and in my case I do feel that I've had two lives.... and how incredible is that...?

Though I do know some couples can and do stick it out together...but I would sense this works better if you both be in yer later years....or have more fluid identities as to what couples mean deep down for you.

Or maybe you financially have to as you can't afford to sell and split a home?

Then there's the other (greater) family member influences.....it's a minefield of complexity always...

So I don't envy anyone grappling with all the many difficult issues...

But where there's a will there's a way...

And I'm a firm believer in the 'luck of the Irish'

[Colleen Ireland]

And I'm a firm believer in the 'luck of the Irish'

Thanks, Cruella.  That made me smile, and these days, I really appreciate that.  Still and all, my wife and I are not dwelling on the tragedy of it all, and from day to day we manage to "stay normal" most of the time, but I know she has not yet picked up on times when I'm dealing with the dysphoria.  Maybe when I can explain that to her, and show her little subtle signs she can pick up on, like when I sigh deeply for no apparent reason, or my eyes are unexpectedly moist, then she might have some sympathy for me.  I do know she loves me, and because of that, I'm sure she wouldn't want me to suffer.  If she can see a bit of how this is suffering, and hurting me, maybe she can accept it more easily.  I dunno.  Time will tell, I guess.

[JessicaR]

My Ex and I were together for about 8 years before we moved in together and subsequently married.. We were incredibly close friends by then. A few months after the move, she began to catch on that something was going on with me. When she finally confronted me, I withdrew and started crying hysterically and told her that I was sorry and would never do it again.
From that point on, our relationship became a cycle of her finding "evidence," her becoming infuriated and attacking me emotionally. I would go into crisis and apologize, promising that I would stop. .....Repeat... for 10 years. The sense of difficulty climaxed when she started finding pills; She assumed they were drugs but they were hormones. The marriage ended when I came out to her but we've never, ever  stopped being friends. Now, after I've been full time for over a year, we both realize that we should have split up a very long time ago but also how strong the friendship was.
  Right now she's probably dealing with an enormous sense of betrayal. You're not the person you portrayed yourself to be and there's lots of potential anger there. At the risk of playing the Devil's Advocate; allowing her to see your pain more readily, regardless of your intent, might come across to her as being manipulative. If you truly value your friendship, do what you have to do but let her deal with it in her own way (hopefully with a good therapist.)  I think the more energy you spend on trying to repair and maintain your marriage, the less you'll have to spend on your own transition. If she's supportive, great... but don't expect it or ask for it.  Offer information about what you're doing but don't expect her to be receptive or hound her to talk about it. By coming out, you've just laid your cards on the table and your hand has been played; now it's her turn.
 

[Colleen Ireland]

I think the more energy you spend on trying to repair and maintain your marriage, the less you'll have to spend on your own transition. If she's supportive, great... but don't expect it or ask for it.  Offer information about what you're doing but don't expect her to be receptive or hound her to talk about it. By coming out, you've just laid your cards on the table and your hand has been played; now it's her turn.

Thanks, Jessica.  I really have to keep reminding myself of this - my objective is to be who I am, not to save my marriage.  This is a HUGE thing for me to get.  And I have to deal with feelings of guilt for being the one who laid the bomb.  Yes, we are both going to need good therapists, I have no further doubt about that.  And yes, I am working on myself, and moving forward as I can - today I told her that I will soon be buying some feminine clothing.  That was a huge hurdle for me - I've been working up to it all week.  Now the thing has been said, and tomorrow I will go and buy myself something nice to wear.  So when I go to the next support group meeting (next week), I can at least look somewhat feminine (okay, at least like I'm TRYING, even though at first I'll look like a circus freak).  Anyway, thank you.  I needed that.