Dealing with transphobic comments from friends (I'm stealth)

[Chris968]

Hi Everyone - Need to rant a bit and maybe get some advice on something that happened the other night.

I am a post-op ftm, been on T for 2 years.  I met this wonderful guy a few weeks ago through a friend who is also ftm, and he has just started T a month ago so a lot of our friends know he is trans.  We went out and really hit it off.  While we were out I got a text from another friend who just wrote "So I hear you're dating a ->-bleeped-<-?"  I got really angry at the fact my friend said that, but the problem is I am stealth.  Very few of my friends know of my status and I plan to keep it that way.  When I ran into this friend later she told me she made another comment about him being a "->-bleeped-<-" and then after asking if I really liked him and I said yes, she said "good for you", which also rubbed me the wrong way.  It made me feel like she was saying I was doing something good for liking him.

I felt really offended when I got that text message but I don't know if it is possible for me to approach this situation without outing myself.  I also happen to know she was drunk at the time (not that that is an excuse) but I don't think she has any problem with trans people.  This is not the first time she has made some comment about transfolks that has rubbed me the wrong way.  Does anybody have any advice on if I should (or how I should) approach her?

Thanks!
Chris

[juliekins]

Yes, I would definitely say something. I would, in the future, immediately correct someone for using the term "->-bleeped-<-". We all find it offensive. It's meant to separate us from other "more legit" groups like the Norms (unvariant gender people), gays and lesbians. I would say to this person, "he is tg & just a guy like anyone else".

Julie was watching the Real L word the other night, and one lesbian says to her friend, "what would a ->-bleeped-<- know about the Dinah event in Palm Springs?" Like we don't know, or I guess in her mind, are qualified to attend. I hate this ignorance and separatism from our own community.

As for outing yourself, if you stick up for people, you will be known as someone who is protective of their friends. If anyone thinks less of you, why would you even want to be their friend?

[Robyn]

I find it hard to know whether one's use of '->-bleeped-<-' is derogatory or not unless I can hear the tone of voice or tell from the context. Some of us own the word and can use it in the context of 'transgendered people'. Not many agree with me yet. Its use in the mainstream is probably too new.

Anyway, are you sure of the context in which your friend uses the word? If derogatory, you could just assure her that he is an awesome dude who is just correcting a medical condition.

Robyn

[Agent_J]

I find it hard to know whether one's use of '->-bleeped-<-' is derogatory or not unless I can hear the tone of voice or tell from the context. Some of us own the word and can use it in the context of 'transgendered people'. Not many agree with me yet. Its use in the mainstream is probably too new.

I strongly dislike the term and do not personally use it in any circumstance, however, I accept that some withing my community (particularly among trans women given the history of the term) are seeking to reclaim it so use it in this way.  Reclamation has a matter of within the group vs. outside of it.  If the person saying it is cis then I cannot see a non-derogatory use of it.

[Chris968]

I tend to agree with Agent_J.  This girl is cis and even though it is hard to tell a tone of somebody from a text message I felt it was more like "You're dating a ->-bleeped-<-?!?".  However I also see reclaiming the word.  When I'm with other friends within the trans community sometimes we'll call each other ->-bleeped-<-s but I don't like the word coming from someone who isn't trans.

[Steph]

I used the snail mail method to come out to my mom.  She lives in England so a face-to-face wasn't possible, and I didn't want to do it by phone as I thought that method wouldn't give her the time to digest things and her immediate reaction may not have been very good.

Doing it with a letter gives them time to re-read, digest, look into what they have been told.  My letter to my mom is posted here in Susan's Wiki, along with one that Hypatia wrote to her sisters.  Have a look, you can find them here:

https://www.susans.org/wiki/A_Letter_to_Mom

Steph

[sneakersjay]

I'd speak up.  At most she'll think you're sticking up for your new friend/boyfriend.  You don't need to out yourself to do that.  As a post-op guy myself, I won't be disclosing to anyone unless I'm about to bed them, and even then that depends.  Currently not stealth due to my location (still working where I came out) but fairly stealth in my personal life.

Jay

[Janet_Girl]

Irregardless of whether or not it outs you, if you find something objectionable then you need to say so.  It does not matter that you are Trans, if you find "->-bleeped-<-' a derogatory term , speak up.

It is the same as if you did not like the "N" word, or "Bitch" or anything else, say something.  It is the right thing to do and it could change a mind.