Feeling majorly stuck

[jmaxley]

Lately I feel like my life is just crumbling around me.  First, a couple months ago there was being put on Provera for a few days, it took weeks to crawl out of the suicidal depression that caused.  There's been dealing with coming out to my family and being outed to many, many of my acquaintances because of a "friend".  I've been dealing with very unhelpful and at times very negative mental health workers.  Every time it looked as if T might be in reach, something has happened.  Unless I can convince my family doc to prescribe it, I'm looking at a looooong stretch of time while I save up the hundreds of dollars for ONE endo appointment; and the dysphoria is continually growing worse while I wait.

I've been trying to find another place to live, as the place I'm in is not very good for my mental well-being.  There's been a couple of places that I almost was able to get but something happened each time that it fell through.  Then there's all the work I put in getting everything ready for me to go back to school (getting the fafsa done, getting transcripts sent, filling out forms, getting letters needed, and so on--not easy when you're dealing with social anxiety)...only to find out on the day before registration that my financial aid was suspended due to me withdrawing from college last time.  I could still go to school but didn't have the money to pay out of my own pocket.

Then there's been the car repairs over the last couple of months.  And my finances are so tight as it is, there's not much left that I can cut out of the budget.  And I really need a new computer, as my laptop is very old and I'm starting to get dead lines of pixels on the screen and it's sooooo slow.  Hormones, school, computer, housing and moving expenses...hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars that I don't have.

The depression is so bad at times, I have to struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, despite meds and counseling.  I feel so STUCK and unable to move my life forward at all.  Everything I've worked so hard for has fallen through.  I'm trying to keep a somewhat positive attitude, but that's never been a strength of mine, and the bitterness and frustration is overwhelming.  Maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel but it looks like I'm going to be in the tunnel for awhile.

[Arch]

Man, I'm sorry. I know how hard things can be when you have serious depression.

When I was overwhelmed and actually got to the point of being able to do something about it, I made lists. Of things I could do, things I had to put on hold, alternatives, etc. Then I did triage.

Can you make do with a bus pass for a little while? Have you spoken to the financial aid people at school and verified that you absolutely cannot get the money? If you're at a four-year, is there any way you can take a course or two at a two-year while you get your ducks in a row? Perhaps, if you can't go to school right this minute, you can start researching scholarships. You might qualify for a few. For instance, my local LGBT center has a little-known scholarship for LGBT students. My buddy is going to apply for it the next time it comes around.

Mostly I just came in to offer support, not advice. I know what it's like to feel like you're moving--or not moving--through quicksand. I've even felt that way when I was making a small amount of progress, because that little step forward always took so much out of me.

If you're running in place, at least you're not moving backward...but even if you ARE losing ground, think how much worse it would have been if you hadn't planned and worked so hard.

Yeah, that's a big freaking help. But sometimes I think that way myself: "I didn't get much done today...but I did get SOMEthing done. That's better than nothing." And then I try to think about things I can immediately do or change or research.

Maybe your GP will be cool about the T. How are things looking in that department?

[JessicaR]

I know this was in FTM but the topic caught my eye...

  I was in a similar situation... I won't go into specifics but EVERYTHING was going wrong! I was almost a year into living full time and my financial situation was a mess... all that I was aiming for seemed so far away. I got very depressed and suicidal, something I hadn't felt since just before I came out. I was at the max doses of Lexapro and Abilify and they just took the edge off.
  I called a suicide help line one night and they convinced  me to go to the emergency room. I was reluctant but desperate. I was evaluated and signed myself into 3 days of inpatient care at a mental health facility..... I started outpatient treatment with "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy" as the focus. it had nothing to do with transition and that got me frustrated at first but I found that the short break from everything was just what I needed. It was a 4 week program... 2 weeks of spending 6 hours a day in treatment then 2 weeks of every other day. Insurance paid 100% and I received disability from work.

  Ask for help.....   Forget that you're Trans for a bit and take a break... Google the mental hospitals in your area and call one that has a program that might fit you and go. Worry about paying for it later! Transition is hard enough and you need all your strength and energy for it... The depression isn't going to get better without extra help.
I know that my story may be atypical but right now I'm antidepressant free and fairly happy. ..... the issues didn't go away but I found new ways of dealing with them through intensive treatment. Give it a try :-)

[jmaxley]

I appreciate the support...and advice.  The car is up and running again, and will hopefully stay that way for awhile.  For school...I'm in the process right now of getting things together to make an appeal--it's too late for this semester but maybe it'll go through for next semester.  If not, I thought about taking out a small private loan (if possible, my credit might not be good enough) and taking one class next semester.  I'm going to look for some other ways to finance school in the meantime. 

But sometimes I think that way myself: "I didn't get much done today...but I did get SOMEthing done. That's better than nothing." And then I try to think about things I can immediately do or change or research.

That's a good way to look at it. 

Maybe your GP will be cool about the T. How are things looking in that department?

She's known about my gender issues for several months and I've mentioned that I want to go on T to her.  She's been somewhat sympathetic but I don't know how much of it she really understands.  I asked her back in late spring if she would prescribe T and she didn't feel comfortable doing it then.  In the next month or two I've got to go back and get bloodwork done (for unrelated issues) and I've been trying to figure out the best way to approach asking.  I thought maybe if I just asked for a lower dose right now, she might be more willing to go along.  Even a low dose would be better than none.   In the meantime, I'm continuing to take supplements--DHEA and grape seed extract. 

[jmaxley]

  Ask for help.....   Forget that you're Trans for a bit and take a break... Google the mental hospitals in your area and call one that has a program that might fit you and go. Worry about paying for it later! Transition is hard enough and you need all your strength and energy for it... The depression isn't going to get better without extra help.

I'm currently in an outpatient type program, though it hasn't been much help at all and has made some problems worse.  I don't think I'm at the point right now to go in the hospital, though if things got really bad I would check myself in, I've done that a couple times before.  I'm hoping things will start looking up soon.

[Kreuzfidel]

I hope that things look up for you soon *HUGS*  Sometimes what gets me through is just focusing on a small reward, even if it's just looking forward to eating your favorite food.  When the long-term is looking gloomy, sometimes the short-term is what you have to shoot for.  Good luck.

[Arch]

Jmaxley, I'm glad to hear that your car is running at the moment and that you are shooting for next semester. You have all of this good momentum for school--keep it going!

And your idea of suggesting a low dose to your GP seems sound. I have another idea, though. Start a thread specifically for the GP issue, and ask for advice from people who went through a GP instead of an endo, psychiatrist, or other traditional route. I know that some people found it helpful to write out their request so they wouldn't get tongue-tied, and some people found online resources that were appropriate for educating reluctant MDs.

You are one resilient guy. I know you wish you didn't have to be so strong, but your whole life has been a training ground for what you're going through now. And what you're going through now will get you to transition and beyond. Transition might seem a long way off now, but it could be closer than you think.* Life might surprise you. If it doesn't, you weren't expecting it anyway. But if it does, happy day! Once you get into transition, your perspective will likely change, and you'll be thinking, "Hey, I got here! Things were pretty bad for a while, but here I am now!" Then you'll be recording your voice every week, squinting at your face in the mirror, and counting chest hairs.

*Just remember: CAUTION. OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

[Al James]

Just chiming in to offer my support. You seem to be making headway again and i really hope it all works out for you.

[jmaxley]

Thanks guys. 

*Just remember: CAUTION. OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

I had to lol at that.  I really really hope so!!

[insideontheoutside]

I think almost everyone can relate in some way because I don't know anyone who hasn't been through what I lump into, "tough times" at one time or another. The relative part is how tough and how well the person can handle it - and there's a ton of factors that go into that.

For me, in my early 20's I went to a psychologist who put my on Xanax. Looking back, I remember feeling really "wrong" on it but there were so many other things wrong with my life at the time I held on to what the psychologist and doctor were saying - that the pills could help me "live a normal life without depression and anxiety". Well, they were WRONG. So wrong in fact (I'll skip all the sordid details) that the end result of me being on Xanax was me putting a gun to my head and almost pulling the trigger had it not been for one close friend who came to check on me by asking the neighbor for the key to my apartment.

I realize that anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds are prescribed A LOT. I realize that a small amount of people might actually benefit from them. But at the end of the day, EVERYONE, I don't care who you are, gets depressed at points in their lives. It's been more than 10 years since the Xanax incident (oh and also I had a prescription for Ativan - which actually gave me a panic attack so I never took it) and it took me about 3 years to detox and reboot my life naturally. I am so, so much better for it. What I found out just through my own research, talking to doctors that where more into alternative therapies and solutions and natural doctors was that the medical world really doesn't have any tests for brain chemistry - yet all of these anti-whatever drugs are supposedly supposed to work on the brain chemistry to get it to "normal" levels. Knowing that everyone DOES get depressed and that is a normal and natural state of being, unless you have something really crazy going on like psychotic episodes, documented schizophrenia ... some serious stuff, then ingesting pills that will mess with your brain chemistry might not have the desired effects. It's just like illegal drugs - I've taken ecstasy and that tossed me hard - I'd never been so depressed after being so high in my life - because that drug will zap your brain into over-producing serotonin and then you're left with very little of it after the high. Most people get addicted to drugs because when they're not high, they feel awful. Same thing with a lot of these prescription drugs. And not to be all "conspiracy theory" here but the drug companies want it that way. They are the legal pushers of our times. There's a pill for damn near any "aliment" out there. The last thing I'll say about the anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drugs is that once your brain chemistry is altered, they will stop working, or seem to. Then you will be prescribed another one ... until that stops working ... and so on. I have friends that have been on half a dozen prescription in the same amount of years and are now so much more screwed up than they ever were.

I'm not saying, don't take ANY prescription drugs, I'm saying just think about the fact that depression is a natural state just like happiness and if I could be at a point where I was ready to end it all and now be a normal functioning human being, then anyone can. I found that alternative medicine and just living as healthy as I could fixed so many things for me. I learned things about nutrition such as tons of sugar and processed foods ADD to anxiety and depression.

I'm kinda at the "gee if I knew then what I know now!" point, but at the same time I'm glad I went through everything I did because it helped me to get on the path I am now. If I had always known these things I don't think I would have grown as much as a person. I don't think I would be the "me" that I am today. So even through the darkest times, be thankful that you're still breathing because you've got your whole life ahead of you and these experiences you will take with you on the rest of your journey and hopefully learn from them. It may seem like you're stuck, but nothing in the universe lasts - bad or good. Take small steps. Make decisions that effect change in your life. It took me the tiniest baby steps to get out of my hole, not leaps and bounds, but I got out of it.

As for the dysphoria, I've dealt with that too, and it's taken me a long time to get cozy with who I really AM vs. what body I am. I realized that for me, the most important thing to me was a healthy body, because once I'd decided to live and all, well, I wanted to live as long as I could! I've found all kinds of things to help me through any dysphoria and I don't take any hormones and I haven't done any surgeries, but I'm pretty ok with myself. One thing you can do without any money or anything is use your imagination. I know it sounds kinda hokey, but really it changes the way you see yourself. If you envision the real you in your mind no one can change that. And it gives you a little confidence. It doesn't matter what you look like, if you "pass" to society in general. You're you inside. If you can't be the gender you want to be full time, then do it part time - when you're alone or not having to deal with people much. It takes some exploring to find what works for you to avoid the dysphoria. You eventually come to a realization that you might always still have some female parts (unless you got a LOT of money - and even still, you won't end up with functioning equipment like every other guy) so it's key to learn some of the things that make you feel comfortable in your own skin.

Anyway, I know that's a crazy long response, and it's my viewpoint, but maybe something helps for you. Hang in there.

[Arch]

I have mixed feelings about the antidepressants I took. They changed my life and made certain accomplishments possible. But when I went off my meds, I spent nine months just trying to get out of the depressive tailspin I was in. Then a couple more years of struggling and relearning coping strategies that I had forgotten. Some of them didn't even work anymore. Then some bad things happened that led to another tailspin and coming out. I couldn't recloset myself yet again, so I transitioned.

I'm still med-free, but it's so much harder to live without them. On the other hand, would I have transitioned if I had gone back on the meds? Maybe not. At least, I wouldn't have broken down so soon.

So soon, sheesh. I knew what I was, and fought it, for twenty years before the final coming out. More meds could have lengthened that period.

I'm out now, I'm legally and socially male, but the moods are still unreliable. I wonder if I'll ever be "normal," as in not fighting some degree of depression.

I haven't yet ruled out going on meds again.

[insideontheoutside]

I have mixed feelings about the antidepressants I took. They changed my life and made certain accomplishments possible. But when I went off my meds, I spent nine months just trying to get out of the depressive tailspin I was in. Then a couple more years of struggling and relearning coping strategies that I had forgotten. Some of them didn't even work anymore. Then some bad things happened that led to another tailspin and coming out. I couldn't recloset myself yet again, so I transitioned.

I'm still med-free, but it's so much harder to live without them. On the other hand, would I have transitioned if I had gone back on the meds? Maybe not. At least, I wouldn't have broken down so soon.

So soon, sheesh. I knew what I was, and fought it, for twenty years before the final coming out. More meds could have lengthened that period.

I'm out now, I'm legally and socially male, but the moods are still unreliable. I wonder if I'll ever be "normal," as in not fighting some degree of depression.

I haven't yet ruled out going on meds again.

Seriously, if you can do it, look into the nutrition thing. That helped me immensely with the "mood" stuff. I'm so much more even now then I ever was (exercising also helped with the mood thing but that's another topic). Food is the body's fuel, and if it's not getting appropriate fuel, the engine is going to start acting a little funny. Honestly I was kind of overwhelmed when I first saw a nutritionist, so she started me out on baby steps to just eliminate one thing (processed sugar was number one) every couple weeks. And she was pretty cool with actually giving me a lot of information and that spurred me on to want to do my own research (I'm a total researcher!) and now, after 10 years of it I feel pretty confidently that nutrition places a very key role in not only overall health but also mental health

(edit) I should also add that I had to do a lot of detox to get off all the chemicals.

[jmaxley]

I started taking my supplements to up my T levels in January...I also stopped taking the anti-depressants then.  I was doing fine until the Provera incident in May, then I went back on the antidepressants.  Honestly, I can't really tell that they help, not even in taking the edge off of things.  I'm going to keep taking them right now, though, just in case, I can use all the help I can get.

I wonder, too, if I'll ever be "normal" or even close to it.  Since coming out to my mom, I've also found myself fighting being trans.  It was only after telling her that I started having doubts about transitioning.  Right now I'm stuck in that awkward in-between stage and I'm getting tired of people looking at me like I have two heads.  I have really bad social anxiety anyway, and I get tired of the staring.  I know my mom would love it if I'd just go back to living as a girl and for her sake, I wish I could.  I just can't be happy being female.  I was watching an mtf's video on Youtube the other night and just broke down; she was soooo happy being a woman, and I just never realized it was possible for anyone to be happy about it and to be as happy as she was...I'm still not sure what the emotion was that I felt at that moment, and I'm not a crier at all.  I can't even imagine what it must feel like to enjoy being a woman; I will never feel that or be able to be happy about being one. 

I get tired of fighting against the depression and anxiety all the time.  It takes so much effort just to get the minimal day to day stuff done.  And then people think that I'm just lazy (or crazy).  It's getting easier to not care what people think, but it still bothers me a lot.  I wish I could just turn a switch off and not care at all what anyone thought.  Wish I could turn off the depression too.  I HATE when people tell me I'm just not trying hard enough or that if I want a better life, then I need to go out and do something about it.  I've been giving it my best, and it keeps falling through.  It's not just recent events, it's been my whole life.  I mean, if I do manage to make it back to school, this'll be my third time at college.  I really can't blame them for not wanting to give me financial aid, I wouldn't want to keep throwing money at someone who keeps dropping out.

It's been this way in every major area of my life...work, school, romance, finances, health...and the minor areas as well.  I keep thinking, as long as I keep trying, something has to work out sometime, right?  Right?  I do my best and watch as parts of my life get smashed to pieces over and over again...I keep trying to put the pieces back together and move on, only for it to happen again and again.  I'm in my thirties now and have absolutely nothing to show for all the work I've done.  I wonder, if I make it to my forties or fifties, if it'll be the same.  Will I ever rise above?  I won't give up, though.  If I give up, I know I'll never make it.  I'm determined, I will take at least one class next semester.  And then I'll take another. 

Well, this ended up a whole lot longer than I meant. 

[LordKAT]

This may not be really helpful but if you can get on T, I think you will find that college and other pursuits will become much easier. Your feelings of giving up ease or at least mine did. I know you are having difficulties in that  area and if I could aid your progress I would. Keep up the hope and know you will get there, it is only the timing that sucks.

[kyril]

Well, if you can't tell if the antidepressants are working for you after a period of a few months, odds are they're not. They don't work for everyone (many of them have only marginally better success rates than placebo). The ones I tried did absolutely nothing for me besides producing some really icky side effects. Not everyone's depression is caused by low serotonin levels.

Anti-anxiety meds, especially benzos, have better success rates...but the more effective psychoactive drugs also seem to have higher risks of dependency and worse side effects.

I've found that the best thing for me is forcing myself to do stuff - specifically productive things. I have to give myself something to be happy about. Quitting, dropping out, retreating...all those just seem to make things worse.

[Cindy]

Hope you don't mind me posting on a guys thread.

I'm now coming off anti-depressants and feeling good. I think they certainly saved my life. I'm now heading forward and enjoying life. But you do have to come off these drugs slowly. I'm halving medication every six-eight weeks.

I hope this doesn't sound flippant but the more people you talk to, the more that not feeling normal is, well, normal.

Hang in jmaxley, you have lots of friends here. Me included.

Cindy

[Arch]

Seriously, if you can do it, look into the nutrition thing. That helped me immensely with the "mood" stuff. I'm so much more even now then I ever was (exercising also helped with the mood thing but that's another topic). Food is the body's fuel, and if it's not getting appropriate fuel, the engine is going to start acting a little funny. Honestly I was kind of overwhelmed when I first saw a nutritionist, so she started me out on baby steps to just eliminate one thing (processed sugar was number one) every couple weeks. And she was pretty cool with actually giving me a lot of information and that spurred me on to want to do my own research (I'm a total researcher!) and now, after 10 years of it I feel pretty confidently that nutrition places a very key role in not only overall health but also mental health

Diet is a bit of a touchy subject for me. A lot of people seem to think that what works for them automatically works for everyone, no exceptions.

I saw a nutritionist once. She damn near killed me. Refused to listen to my complaints that...well, that I was having major digestive problems on her regimen. Just kept telling me to keep at it.

I had the usual round of vegetarian acquaintances who kept telling me that meat makes people sick and I should get off this toxic diet, etc. I don't know about them, but meat is good for me. Protein keeps me stable. Too many carbs and my brain chemistry goes haywire.

I tried processed versus non-processed foods and found no difference. I know it works wonders for some people.

I have experimented with food, and I have found out what my body and brain like. I am less depressed less often when I eat this way, but it only goes so far. I'm sure some of my depression is situational and will improve. How much, I'm not sure.

I also get regular exercise--not as much while I'm teaching this early in the morning, but I am still consistent. Five days a week is as much as I can handle at the moment. I do walk a bit, but probably not enough to make a difference. Once I get off this horrible work schedule (two and a half weeks and counting), perhaps I can go back to exercising more. But, as with the food, it only does so much for me.

Sorry to hijack. Back to the thread...Jmaxley, you're doing everything you can to improve your life. Sometimes you have to just acknowledge that--and realize that sometimes your best efforts don't do much more than keep you standing still. But if you keep at it, you can find that suddenly a few things drop into place, and all of your effort pays off. You just have to have faith that it will happen.

[jmaxley]

Arch, five days a week is great!  Usually the recommendation is at least three days a week.  Wish I could be that consistent. 

I've done quite a bit of reading on nutrition.  I was a vegetarian for a couple of weeks, a fruitarian for a few days, low carb for a couple weeks.  I have tried to cut out some of the worst things like soda, flour, and sugar (although occasionally I'll give in and buy a thing of cookies or a can of Mountain Dew, but that's not an all-the-time thing).  My biggest problem with food is that food is my drug.  And I don't exercise nearly as much as I should.  Kind of a vicious circle--too depressed to exercise, lack of exercise contributes to the depression, when I get depressed, I eat.  I miss going to the gym, but don't have the money anymore for a membership.  One of the great things about going back to school was that I'd have access to the pool and gym on campus.

Hang in jmaxley, you have lots of friends here. Me included.

.

Thanks.  *hugs* 

Anti-anxiety meds, especially benzos, have better success rates...but the more effective psychoactive drugs also seem to have higher risks of dependency and worse side effects.

I've taken Xanax before in the past and it did help both the anxiety and the depression.  The doc that currently prescribes my anti-depressant refuses to write scripts for it though.  I can understand her reasoning but there's been times when it would have really helped...like when I had to go see an obgyn.

This may not be really helpful but if you can get on T, I think you will find that college and other pursuits will become much easier. Your feelings of giving up ease or at least mine did. I know you are having difficulties in that  area and if I could aid your progress I would. Keep up the hope and know you will get there, it is only the timing that sucks.

Thanks man.  I'm hoping I will be able to get hormones soon.  Even if I have to go to the endo, they said if I can just pay half up front (still hundreds though) and then make payments after that.  If the financial aid appeal goes through and I can go back full time, I won't have to make monthly student loan payments (from last time) while I'm in school, and that will help a LOT. 

[insideontheoutside]

@jmaxley and @Arch Like I said, I understand people are different and not everything works for everyone, but the key with actually seeing a nutritionist is to find a good one. One that just force-feeds you a supposed "healthy" diet is not a good one at all, that's as much of a crack pot thing to do as a doctor who sees you for 5 minutes and is then writing you out a prescription with potentially harmful side effects without knowing anything of your health or history but is simply giving them to you because the PDR says only "2%" of people have side effects. Vegetarianism does not work for everyone either. A serious nutritionist will spend some serious time getting to know you and your past health history. They will also order tests, through a doctor, to help determine overall health and any areas that might need a boost. My nutritionist even went so far as to consider genetics for types of foods. Since I've been seeing this one off and on she's never put me on a specific diet. She also says if I have a piece of cake or a fast food item every once in awhile it's not going to kill me. She's realistic, knowledgeable, and customizes what she does just for me. We've tried different supplements over the years to see what works best for me. When I'm having some sort of health crisis/illness she recommends what's best for the acute condition. She ordered more tests when I got past a certain point to see how my body was doing. Unfortunately there are a lot of crappy nutritionists out there. But the right one and the right nutrition for YOU can really make a difference.

My doctor nearly killed me with Xanax, so it's a two-way street. But there's still no question in my mind that healthy food and nutrition is never a bad thing.

[Arch]

Unfortunately there are a lot of crappy nutritionists out there. But the right one and the right nutrition for YOU can really make a difference.

My doctor nearly killed me with Xanax, so it's a two-way street. But there's still no question in my mind that healthy food and nutrition is never a bad thing.

Didn't mean to rag on you. My main point was that one man's healthy diet is another man's misery. I have spent many years figuring out what works for me, and I finally saw a dramatic decrease in mood problems. But the fundamental problem still remains and might never go away.