Coming Out - Need Suggestions, Please

[Kreuzfidel]

Hey, guys.

To make a long story short, none of my family (back in America) know about my 'secret' - they haven't seen me in months and assume that I'm here in Australia spending time with my 'friend' (my female partner) and looking for jobs. 

They're wonderful people - very loving, but also from the Deep South.  My Mom is not a religious person and I know that she would be very supportive, as would my Aunt.  The issue is that my grandparents are wonderful, but deeply Christian.  To complicate matters even more, my grandmother who practically raised me is battling Dementia and has problems holding onto to who I am as it is. 

My sister lives in St. Louis, and the only way that I can keep in touch with her is via email at the moment.

My question is this, essentially - what would your suggestions be on how to come out?  Who would be best to come out to first?

My partner and I are planning a trip back there next year and I know that they will question my appearance.   Is it better to come out now (even though I rarely get to make a phone call and mostly communicate with my family via snail mail - except for my sister) or to wait until my partner and I can explain things together in the flesh?

Additionally (sorry!)...if it is suggested that an in-person coming out needs to happen, is it better to just come out to one person at a time or have something akin to a 'family meeting'?  I'm sorry, guys - just a bit nervous and want to make sure I have my bases covered before I get too wound up about it. 

[K8]

Each of our situations is different, so you can get a lot of advice but the decision as to what might work for you is up to you.

If I were in your situation, I would go easy for a while until I was more comfortable as the new (the real) me.  I don't know what your relationship is with your sister, but she may be a good first try.

I think that in general it is best to come out face-to-face, but that won't be possible for you for a while.  I would definitely advise against a group meeting.

I don't know how being Christian will affect your mother's reaction – there are so many varieties.  Sometimes family trumps religion and sometimes stubborn pre-formed social beliefs supported by religion trump family.  It all depends.

Good luck.  I'm sure you can lots more advice here, but you know your situation better than anyone else so take some time to think about it and then, go man.   Good luck.

- Kate

[sneakersjay]

Some people advocate face to face; I ended up coming out over the phone (unintended).

Some advice from someone I trust and respect recommends snail mail letter.  His reasoning is that they can have their OMG! reactions without you having to witness it and make you feel bad; they can take their time to digest it, think about it, and hopefully calm down if they're the sorts to really fly off the handle.  Then, at a later date, you can meet face to face to discuss it.

This sounds like it might work best in your case due to the distance and communication issues you already have.

Nobody can predict how their family will react.  Good luck to you!  Are you on T already?


Jay

[spacial]

Just a thought.

You've been away for a while. Worse, (I presume), you've been outside the US, among the primitives of the rest of the world.

You go back now and announce this major change, they might think you've been infected by some anti-American thingie.

If I were you, I'd take it gradually.

You mom sounds good. you don't say how you think your sister will react, so might be best strting with your mom.

Introduce your partner. Then when that settles down, tell her about your plans.

As for your grandparents, that doesn't sound like it's going to happen really. Dementia is a strange disease. In Altzimers, the recent memories tend to go first, gradually moving back.

The other main type, things tend to deteroiate in bursts. This use to be called multi-infarcaction demetia. Not sure now. probably has a really cool name which doesn't mean much. (Progress eh?).

But one point. Don't be frightened about your life or your own future. This is your life, your future. Like the rest of us, you just have to make the best of it.

[lilacwoman]

To make a long story short, none of my family (back in America) know about my 'secret' - they haven't seen me in months and assume that I'm here in Australia spending time with my 'friend' (my female partner) and looking for jobs. 

What does the family think your relationship with friend is? Just friends or they maybe think you're a couple ie lesbian?

Seeing as you haven't seen them for a while and are transitioning I'm inclined to think that a letter to each of them giving basic details would get the matter fully into the open and prevent any greater problems down the line when you do meet up again.
Don't worry about the one with dementia as it wil be for the best if you next see her as a guy...shame but dementia is so awful that we have to be realistic about things.
Give the post time enough to get the letters delivered then if no-one has phoned you you call them and ask if they understand, need help to understand the whys and wherefores.